Thursday, July 29, 2004

Sequel 2: the sequel

Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid is a sequel. A sequel to Anaconda.

You may not remember Anaconda. It was a mildly successful 1997 film starring a young J-Lo and Owen Wilson.
Owen Wilson was so new to movie audiences in 1997 he was billed AFTER Eric Stoltz.

You may not remember Eric Stoltz. If so, consider yourself blessed.

Since it has been so long since the original, most of the film's core demographic has grown OUT of the demographic.

So they call the film Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid, that way fans of the original will go and see it, and people that have never heard of that film may still go to this one.

It is a pretty common practice today.

The Whole Ten Yards, is a sequel to The Whole Nine Yards a film with an ALL STAR cast (or at least a 1980's American league All Star cast).

Nonetheless, it was not a HUGE hit. Still, they made a sequel. They rarely mentioned that it was a sequel in the advertisements. Heck, they didn't even put the first names of the two stars on the poster, hoping that fans of Refrigerator Perry and Gary Coleman might mistakenly buy a ticket. Still, the fans never showed and the film ended up making just $16 million dollars. That may sound like a lot, but remember Refrigerator Perry and Gary Coleman WERE NOT IN THIS FILM. Instead, this was a film that starred REAL movie stars.

Perhaps it was the lack of a number '2' in the title that kept the crowd away. Legally Blonde 2 proudly wore it's '2' and I am pretty sure Refrigerator Perry and Gary Coleman were not in that film either.

The Bourne Supremecy chose to keep the '2' out of it's title, too. Instead they just replaced the word 'identity' with a word that rhymes with it. This does, however, limit the sequel names.

After they make:
The Bourne Clemency
The Bourne Chemistry
The Bourne Theocracy
The Bourne Lemon Tree

they will HAVE to retire the franchise.

Had they stuck with the NUMBER system there is no END to the number of sequels they could make.

This whole wacky sequel thing has been going on forever, but the latest wave of silly sequel titles can be traced back to Teen Wolf.

See, when it came time to make a sequel, rather than go with the number 2, they spelled it out. But, they spelled it 'too.'

See! He was ALSO a Teen Wolf.

Why didn't anyone else think of this?

Godfather Too he is ALSO a Godfather! And it lightens the mood, the number is much more somber! Why are there no more part 'too' films?

Who knows. Still, there are plenty of wacky titles that came around after Justin Bateman sprouted fur in the moonlight.

Since then we have been deluged with them:

Men In Black 2 became MIIB
Analyze This 2 became Analyze That
Independence Day (which wasn't EVEN a sequel) became ID4

Yes, it looks like wacky sequel titles are here to stay.
Movie Marathons
Baby Genius 2

Do you have a favorite sequel?

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

The Oldest Theme Park In The World

Mr. Six.

The new spokesman for the Six Flags amusement park chain. He dances like a fool to some techno tune and then people are inspired to go on roller coasters. As commercials go, it is pretty good. Here is a typical 30 second spot.

INT. Operating room- Day
A man is laying on an operating table, unconscious. He is bleeding badly. A DOCTOR is working furiously on reviving him. A NURSE stands by.

Doctor! This man has stopped breathing!
Damn! I can't loose another patient! They may fire me!

Suddenly MR. SIX crashes into the hospital room driving a hearse painted with the Six Flags colors.


Suddenly the Nurse and the Doctor drop their medical equipment and hop into the hearse. Mr. Six keeps dancing and then the DEAD MAN jumps off the operating table and starts to dance.
Cut to: A roller coaster is racing on it's track. Mr. Six is in the front with the Doctor and the Nurse. In the back is the Dead Man. They are all happy!

Six Flags. It's playtime.


Yes, Mr. Six is a star! As a matter of fact, he now ranks as #4 on the Bunch O Junk list of greatest Misters of all time!

The greatest MISTERS of all time
1. Mr. T
2. Mister Rogers
3. Mister Ed
4. Mr. Six
5. Mister Mister

Who is Mr. Six? I don't know. First time I saw a Mr. Six commercial I thought he was Grandpa from Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Most likely Mr. Six is a young man dressed as an old man, but even if he is an OLD man he is not as OLD as:

The oldest theme park in the world
Lake Compounce in Bristol Connecticut is the oldest theme park, it has been functioning as a theme park for over 100 years.
Lake Compounce has roller coasters, water rides and much of the standard amusement park fare. They also have Garfield and Odie.

The famous cat and dog are the mascots of the park and perform a "show" daily. I put "show" in quotation marks because it's not REALLY a show. I put "really" in all capital letters to put emphasis on it. In that sentence I put "really" in quotation marks so you would not which word I was talking about. In that sentence I put "really" in quotation marks so you would know which word I was talking about.In that sentence I put "really" in quotation marks so you would know which word I was talking about. In that sentence I put "really" in quotation marks so you would know which word I was talking about. In that sentence I put "really" in quotation marks so you would- OH MY GOD! I am stuck in a paradoxical paragraph! I am going to stop before my fingers fall off.

The show starts with Garfield and Odie entering to the song "You've got a friend in me". Yes, the song from Toy Story.

They oldest theme park in the world is kicking dirt on Disney's shoes and shouting:

Then the human host tells us that Garfield and Odie have lost their luggage and need to have the following items from the audience.

A Towel
A flip flop
lip balm

So people start volunteering their items. Kids bring up sunblock and towels and toss them into Garfield or Odie's basket (depending on what side they sit on).

What will they do with all these items? What wacky jokes will they make using these items?

They count them! Wow!



Odie had more items. Oddly NO ONE BROUGHT LASAGNA! That would have really made the contest interesting. Now they play "You've got a friend in me" AGAIN.

THAT WAS IT. That was the whole show. Now people came up and grabbed their flip flops and towels and chap sticks.

As a side note ALL TUBES OF CHAP STICK LOOK THE SAME. There must have been 20 plain black tubes of chap stick! People just grabbed any chap stick and took it back. Now that should have been the real show, this chap stick Russian roulette. Let's see who gets bacterial meningitis first!

Aside for the Garfield show, there was an amazing Sky Ride. A half hour trip up the side of a mountain on a modified ski lift. The view was AMAZING, but the better view was to look DOWN.
See, unlike many sky rides that elevate you HIGH above the ground, Lake Compounce simply takes you up a HIGH mountain. You are never more that 20 feet off the ground, however.

This makes spotting debris FUN. On the way up the mountain I saw the following:

4 towels
3 different shoes (one high heeled shoe)
1 Time magazine
11 Soda cans (oddly more than half were Mountain Dew)
1 Stuffed rabbit
1 pair of underpants

Yes, the stuff on the hill was EXACTLY what I packed in my suitcase for the trip!

Lake Compounce was, like Mr. Six, OLD yet lots of fun. Next time I am bringing lasagna. We will see who wins that CONTEST!

Sesame Place and more
Disneyland Arkansas

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

The Ballad of Bill and Joe: Volume One

Hanna-Barberians at the gate

I love Bill Hanna and Joe Barbera. Their studio singlehandedly invented the TV cartoon show format.
They created over 1000 cartoon characters. This makes them two of the GREATEST PEOPLE THAT EVER LIVED.

Let us compare them with the BBC's list of 10 Greatest Britons ever.

Isambard Kingdom Brunel: Great Victorian English engineer. Created great buildings, but no cartoons.

Winston Churchill: Was a great war time leader. Hanna-Barbera created a show entitled Fish Police. Winston Churchill NEVER found away to use fish in the name of justice.

Oliver Cromwell: I think this was the fat guy from Night Court. Hanna-Barbera created Scooby-Doo who has solved more crimes than Charle Chan (Chan also had a Hanna-Barbera cartoon to his name.)

Charles Darwin: Belived that man descended from apes. Hanna-Barbera, on the other hand, knew the truth about evolution. Cavemen lived among the dinosaurs and pedaled their cars with their feet.

Diana, Princess of Wales: Her wedding was watched by millions. So was Pebbles and Bamm Bamm's!

Queen Elizabeth I: I think that is a boat, not a person. It was the boat from the Titanic.

John Lennon: Wrote the words, "I Am the Walrus". Hanna-Barbera created the Shmoo.

Horatio Nelson: A famous admiral, sailed proudly. Hanna-Barbera created Speed Buggy.

Isaac Newton: Discovered America by letting an apple fall on his sons head as he shot it with an arrow. Hanna-Barbera has animated AT LEAST TWO VERSIONS OF RICK MORANIS.

William Shakespeare: Was a gunfighter, better known as Billy The Kid. Never made a single cartoon.


Continue on to volume two
Or, skip to volume three

Monday, July 26, 2004

Fame broiled

I have met a whole bunch of famous people in my life. I am not sure how many famous people most people meet in their lifetimes, so maybe I am below the curve.

Still, it feels like a whole lot. Here are some of my favorites.

Mr. T:
I have met Mr. T several different times, and I am glad to say it has been more exciting each time. Most recently I met Mr. T at an autograph signing with Hulk Hogan. I was so excited about meeting Mr. T that I absentmindedly walked right by Hulk Hogan who was standing there (I'm told) with an outstretched hand waiting to shake.

Alec Baldwin:
Not much of a story here, but he was one of the first celebrities I have ever passed in the street. I passed him on West 34th in NYC. He was wearing a suit and sunglasses and talking very loudly to a woman who was with him. I resisted the urge to tap him on the shoulder and ask him if he and Thomas the Tank Engine were still friends.

Meg Ryan & Dennis Quaid:
Meg was shopping in a bookstore wearing army pants and a tanktop. STUNNING! I asked her for her autograph. She complied and said "would you like me to get Dennis'?"
I said "no" and went to get it myself. Quaid was as ornery as a goat with the gout.
I am so happy that I met Dennis Quaid as it gives me a chance to say "goat with the gout" every now and then.

Arnold Schwarzenegger:
I shook hands with him during a pre-election rally in fabulous Santa Monica California. His head is HUGE.

Howie Long:
I was at the Magic Kingdom in Florida in late February 2002 when a big lug bypassed the line and cut right in front of me. I kept waiting for Disney Security to say "Excuse me, but if you want to ride Splash Mountain, you have to wait like everybody else."
Then I realized it was Howie Long, and waited for them to say "Excuse me, Howie Long, but if you want to ride Splash Mountain, you have to wait like everybody else."
Alas, security never came and I got to ride Splash Mountain WITH Howie Long.

Phil Donahue:
I went to a taping of his old show at NBC in New York. Phil shook hands with everyone as the left after the taping. I resisted the urge to ask him if Alec and Thomas the Tank Engine were still friends.

The Rock, Chris Jericho, Al Snow, Blue Meanie, Dan Severn, Mick Foley, Droz, Mark Henry, D'Lo Brown, Sergeant Slaughter, King Kong Bundy, Sable, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Rocco Rock, The Headbangers and a few others:
I have been to WAY to many wrestling autograph sessions, but my favorite was Virgil.
Me and a friend met him at a Wizard Comic Book convention a couple of years back. I went over and he KEPT trying to sell me his really badly scanned 8x10's. I had found a way to weasel away from him by pretending to want to go to an ATM machine when my friend said "Hey, you don't need to go to the ATM. I will loan you the $20."
Uh... thanks.
One really odd detail was that Virgil NEVER looked me in the eye. He always looked over the top of my head, or around me. Very odd.

Roscoe Orman:
Roscoe (Gordon from Sesame Street) did a signing at a mall. I out ran all the little kids as they went to get his autograph. He didn't seem to be too pleased with that.

Kevin Smith:
I ran into him more than once, but my favorite was at a film festival in 2002. He stood next to me as I watched Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back for the 4th time. It was rather awkward, I felt obligated to laugh at all of the jokes. Oddly, he laughed at them even more than I did.

George Clooney:
This may be my favorite story. I was at a diner in NJ when a friend of mine saw a guy who looked like a 'short George Clooney'. After that we proceeded to make fun of Batman & Robin really LOUD. The next day we read in the paper that George Clooney had eaten at a diner in NJ. I went back to that diner every day for two weeks to apologize to Clooney, but all that happened was a mild case of botulism.

Donald Nixon:
When visiting the Richard Nixon Library in fabulous Yorba Linda California I happened to run into the President's younger brother Donald. It was surreal. I wish I had a long list of celebrity's brothers that I had met.

In addition to these fine members of movieland, I shook hands with Billy Bob Thornton and Robert Duvall at Walk Of Fame unveiling. I talked to Kevin Murphy from Mystery Science Theater 3000 and I met Arlo Guthrie. I high-fived Adam Sandler, traded emails with Claudia Wells (Back to the Future) and ran into Bebe Newirth (Lilith on Cheers & Frasier) at a video store. I once waited for plane tickets behind Danny Glover, I talked on the phone with Burt Ward and Andy Richter and shook hands with three different Governors of New Jersey and Dee Snider. I also met John McCain, Al Roker and high fived Jay Mohr. I shook hands with Conan O'Brien and had Jimmy Kimmel point at me and laugh. I talked on the phone to Janet Leigh about Psycho and I talked to Andrew Bryniarski (Texas Chainsaw Massacre) about playing a Psycho. I watched Tom Savini steal $10 from a friend of mine, and talked to Penn and Teller. I saw Matt Lauer hail a cab, and saw Razor Ramon drive a rented honda.

Yet, after all of these folks I still get excited every time I see the guy in the Mickey Mouse costume.

Related junk: Gonzales-Gonzales rises to fame, Stallone's awesome names, and Mr. T is EVERYWHERE!

What celebrities have you met?

Friday, July 23, 2004

All good things must end

Image hosted by
Richard Nixon's winter home is gone. The Key Biscayne retreat where the President would go to get 'tanned, rested and ready' is a thing of the past.
Bulldozers ripped down the house to make way for a more modern home, and they ripped out of piece of our hearts, to make way for a more modern piece of heart.

Ahhh, but things eventually must go.

In fabulous Disneyland California there once stood Monsanto's House of the Future. In the past there was a house of the future. There is no house of the future in the present, but most certainly there will be one in the future. Uh, I'm getting light-headed, I may need to lie down.

The House of the Future was made entirely out of plastic, it was rust-proof, earthquake-proof and proof that the future was in plastics.

Wow, that's some good writing! Let's see that again.

The House of the Future was made entirely out of plastic, it was rust-proof, earthquake-proof and proof that the future was in plastics.


The House of the Future was built in 1957 and was a vision of what the house of 1986 would be. It had a video phone, a microwave and a dishwasher that cleaned dishes using ultrasonic waves.

Still, the House of the Future became dated, and in 1967 it was set to be demolished. According to Monsanto when the wrecking ball hit the house IT DIDN'T FALL. So they brought in other equiptment and the House Of The Future is no more.

Change happens everywhere!

Taco Bell, long a stanch opponent of french fries has caved. They have given in and let the french fry run loose.

Cheesy Fiesta Potatoes. A bunch of bite sized fried potatoes topped with cheese and sour cream. Don't let the description fool you. TACO BELL IS SELLING FRENCH FRIES.

Perhaps this wont last, perhaps the country will angrily take to the streets and DEMAND that Taco Bell sell NO FRENCH FRIES.
They did it with New Coke.

It is hard to imagine in today's climate where a new soda is created every 38 seconds, but there was a time when people protested a new flavor of coke. For those that don't remember, Pepsi had been running a promotion called the "Pepsi Challenge".

The original Pepsi Challenge was very difficult. Participants were called 'contendants' (a combination of the words contestant, contender and lobster) were blindfolded and FORCED to lie on a bed of used Kleenex and drink Pepsi out of broken glasses, while a fat tap dancer danced on their toes. This didn't go over well with the public, so they came up with a new Pepsi challenge.

The new Pepsi Challenge was simple, put an unmarked glass of Pepsi and an unmarked glass of Coke in front of some one and most of the time they choose Pepsi.
So, Coke decides to change the formula of their soda to make it taste more like Pepsi. What they didn't count on was brand loyalty.

I have never been one for soda brand loyalty. To me is all fizzy sugar water.
I am not sure if there is a difference between Coke, Pepsi, Coca Cola C2, Pepsi One, Pepsi Edge, Coke Max, Pep-Exxtreme-Si, Coke-attude, Mr. Pepsi, Coke Tan, Pepsi Rerun, Coke Twirl, Pepsi Hard, and Coca-Coladida.

Today there are enough soda brands to give Soleil Moon Frye's parents 'baby names' for about 45 years.

At the grocery store I usually buy the generic rip-off soda unless one of the name brands is on sale cheaper. Sometimes I just take an empty soda bottle and play it like a jug in a rockabilly band. Yeeeehaaaaawww!

But, even the thought of a hoe down can't shake the blues I feel from Taco Bell's decision.

Well, I am going to cry in my fries.

Thursday, July 22, 2004

Doe a deer, a Dear bunchojunk column

bunchojunk answers advice seeking letters.


Dear bunchojunk:
I need your advice on how to deal with my aging parents. They are in their 70s and have fought like cats and dogs for as long as I can remember. I don't want to be ungenerous, but I am sick and tired of their attempts to get me involved in their fights, and I don't want them to destroy my peaceful, loving home.
-Fighting Mom and Dad

Dear Fighting,
I appreciate your letter, but it is incomplete. You say the fight like 'cats and dogs', but since cats and dogs have very different fighting styles, I will need to know which style they use most. Do they use them interchangeably? Do they rapidly switch from dog fighting stance to cat style and back? Are there certain techniques that each of them favor, be it canine or feline? Please let me know so I can correctly guide you through this battle.


Dear bunchojunk:
My wife and I have a problem with the local Pizza place. It is my favorite place to eat, but she doesn't like to go there because she says the cashier was rude to her once. Should I stop going to please my wife, or enjoy the pizza?
-Mad about Mozzarella

Dear Mad:
When you say "pizza" is that some kind of code word for crack? I'm willing to be it is. Son, stop worrying about your wife. You need to get help, get the monkey off your back. Drugs kill. Don't get caught in their web. Quit doing "pizza", you deserve better.


Dear bunchojunk:
My husband spends hundreds of dollars on baseball tickets, so much that we are forced to live on nothing but dog food. What should I do?
-Living a Dog's Life

Dear Living:
I have a solution for you:

Potluck Alpo Casserole

This tasty Alpo and dressing casserole is a nice size for a couple or potluck dinner.
8 scoops of baked Alpo Come'n Get It
1/2 cup water
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1/4 cup minced onion
1 can (10 3/4 ounce) IAMS Senior dog chow
1 can (10 3/4 ounce) Natures Best Real Beef Dog food
1 1/3 cups milk
1 cup dirt
1/2 cup melted butter

Rinse Alpo and pat dry. Place in a lightly buttered baking dish. Add the 1/2 cup water; sprinkle with salt, pepper, and minced onion. Cover and bake at 350° for 30 minutes, or until tender. Remove Alpo from the baking dish, reserving 1 cup of the juices. Clean pan if using same pan for casserole.
When Alpo is cool enough to handle place in lightly buttered 13x9x2-inch baking dish. Combine the canned dog food and the milk in a medium saucepan. Cook until heated through; pour over Alpo.

Sprinkle the cup of dirt over the mixture. Combine melted butter and reserved Alpo broth; pour evenly over stuffing crumbs.

Bake Alpo casserole, uncovered, at 350° for 30 minutes, or until thoroughly heated. Alpo casserole serves 2-4.

For advance preparation, cook Alpo the night before, then cover and refrigerate until preparation time. Refrigerate Alpo cooking juices in a separate container. Cooking time will be slightly longer.


Dear bunchojunk:
I have a problem, I am afraid my husband is having an affair with my sister "Betsey". He says he is not, but I have seen lots of clues. He spends a lot of time at her house, he is always wearing a t-shirt that says "Betsey's Boy Toy", and his driver's license says on the back "in case of emergency, please notify MY WIFE'S SISTER BETSEY." Do you think he is cheating?
-Betsey's Sister

Dear Sister,
Yes! So, next time you see him, run him over. Then notify Betsey that there was an emergency. When she shows up tell her "it looks like my husband is feeling a little run-down."
I'm sure she will laugh and laugh. Then you gals can go shopping and drink smoothies.

Do you need advice from bunchojunk? Post a comment.

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

Obey the eBay

eBay. Lowercase 'e' capital 'b' lowercase 'a' and 'y'. The name is SO familiar to us that it looks WRONG when it is applied to standard capitalization rules. LOOK:


Looks wrong doesn't it?

How about:


Still looks wrong! Even though 3 kinda looks like a backwards 'e'. Let's try this:


Hmmmm. Well, I think I have lost my perspective on this. They all look wrong now.

Anyway, eBay is very famous. It is part of our culture and it is really cool. Where else could you find such AWESOME stuff.


Soul Jammers 45:
The 45 for Soul Jammers "Stone Soul"/"Tripping to Egypt" on SMAK records. Wow! A record label that is, in fact, a typo! Plus, what a cool name for a group. The Soul Jammers. I have never heard of them before, but I love them!
I bet "Stone Soul" is a tough guy number full of bravado. Here are lyrics that I just made up:

It's time for soul, soul like a stone
you can't play my soul go get your own
I like Spagettios with franks a whole bunch
I might have a can today for lunch
oh why don't they make Spaghettios with sausage?

Well, if the Soul Jammers love Spaghettios (and who doesn't?) that might be how the song goes.
"Tripping to Egypt" is probably a wacky trip to Egypt. I can see it now, they loose their luggage, and then they have to dress like woman for some reason. Then they can't find in their 'Egypt to English' dictionary how to draw a hieroglyphic for Spaghettios, and then finding out that Egyptian Spaghettios have camel meatballs. Wow, that song must be great!

The Frozen Margarita Candle:
A candle in the shape of a frozen margarita. Imagine the fun you could have with this! No more soggy matches from trying to light a regular margarita on fire, now you have a margarita candle. Just think of the practical joke possibilities:

Me: Hey, sexy woman, can I buy you a drink.
Sexy Woman: Sure, I am really thirsty.
Me: Would you like a frozen margarita? (hands drink)
Sexy Woman: (goes to sip) Arrrrrgggghhh! I am on fire! It burns! Help me! Help!
Me: Can I have your phone number?

And what better way to lighten the mood then with the Frozen Margarita Candle. Imagine that you are at a candlelight vigil. Everyone is sad and somber. Then, SUDDENLY, you whip out your frozen margarita candle and it's HAPPY HOUR.
Wow! The eBay ad says it "smells like the real thing", isn't that a plus? Now your whole house will smell like an alcoholic with a penchant for fruity drinks.

The Commemorative Sinbad Movie Ticket:
This is a beautiful full color ticket to commemorate the showing of this film somewhere on July 2, 2003. The item seller did not specify the name of the theater, but one could guess that it was in his home country of Canada.
Perhaps you never saw Sinbad. That makes this a great item. It will allow you to commemorate the fact that somewhere in the world someone was watching Sinbad.

Now you may be confusing this film with the ACTOR Sinbad. Star of House Guest and Good Burger. Oddly enough, Sinbad is not in this kiddie flick. Also of note, there is a comedy about a talking bird named Paulie that does not feature Pauly Shore. Perhaps you could get a ticket to commemorate the showing of that film as well.

What about if you had a set of items commemorating many big events in history:

You: This is my tragic events commemorative items. I have a replica life vest to commemorate the Titanic.
Other person: Oh, that's nice.
You: A bottle of New Coke.
Other Person: Wow.
You: And a ticket to Sinbad.
Other Person: Oh. Was that for House Guest or Good Burger?

CONCLUSION: The best things in the world are on eBay! Shop now, shop often! To bid on these fine items click below:

Soul Jammers

Margarita candle

Sinbad Ticket

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

Three Men and a Baby Genius (minus the three men and with a few more babies)

I saw a preview for Baby Geniuses 2: Return of the Super Babies.

let me repeat that:

Baby Geniuses 2: Return of the Super Babies

What a wonderful time we live in! It makes me cry, thinking about previous generations and the hardships they faced, with NO Baby Geniuses 2: Return of the Super Babies!

For those of you who don't remember Baby Geniuses, let me assure you it was a real movie.

In years past, a comedy producer may have invented a title like this as a satire. Leonard Part 6 for example.

Bill Cosby made this film back in the late 1980s when nobody ever told him "no" about ANYTHING.

For an example: see his Cosby Show sweaters.

In Leonard Part 6 we are told that Leonard's previous adventures (1-5) were confiscated by the government. The film follows the basic 'spy film' plot. Secret agent is after dad guys, bad guys are after a secret agent, secret agent rides on an ostrich.

It will be interesting to see the Ostrich scene in Baby Geniuses 2: Return of the Super Babies.

Baby Geniuses was made by Bob Clark, a director with the GREATEST FILMOGRAPHY EVER. Let us take a look:

Karate Dog, The (2004)
KARATE DOG! Those two words could not seem MORE awesome when placed SIDE-BY-SIDE! Like a live action Hong Kong Phooey! A dog that does Karate! I am not going to miss that!

Maniac Magee (2003)
In a world full of Maniacs, Magee stands out. Magee formerly a name used only when referring to dumb puppets, now can add MANIAC to it's resume!

Baby Geniuses (1999)
The original. Hard to believe it has been 5 YEARS! I guess they were waiting until the statute of limitations ran out on those 'child labor violations.'

Fudge-A-Mania (1995)
Better not let Maniac Magee near the fudge! This could be a disaster!

From the Hip (1987)
Judd Nelson plays an attorney named Stormy Weathers. He later played a weatherman named Legal Jurisprudence.

Rhinestone (1984)
Dolly Parton and Sylvester Stallone! I once watched this BACK-TO-BACK with the Jane Mansfield Story featuring Loni Anderson and Arnold Schwarzenegger. I am still blind in my left eye because of that night.

Christmas Story, A (1983)
Yup, he did this too.

Porky's II: The Next Day (1983)
Glad to see he is staying true to his bad sequel roots.

Porky's (1982)
Wow, Porky's had a DIRECTOR!

Black Christmas (1974)
The best Christmas murder film EVER.

Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things (1972)
See, he was all about the kids, even then.

She-Man (1967)
Never saw this film, Clark's debut. I think it's about He-Man's OTHER sister. The one even She-Ra wants nothing to do with.

Yes, Bob Clark is a renaissance man. Long live Baby Geniuses 2: Return of the Super Babies!

Related junk: Back to the Future, Movie Remakes & Cakes, and He-Man RULES!

Monday, July 19, 2004

The case of the missing photo CD

Yesterday I took a handful of old negatives to Wal-Mart to have them converted to CD. They told me they would be ready in an hour.  So, I went off to the video section and stood there telling children that "there will never be another cartoon to match the magic that was Balto. I have seen Shrek, and Shrek is no Balto."

47 minutes to go.

Then, I was off to the customer service counter: 
Cashier: Can I help you?
Me: I am furious! I am outraged! This is outrageous! This is furiaged!
Cashier: Calm down, dude. What seems to be the problem?
Me: I don't know, you tell me. Tell me what the problem is. The problem with YOUR company.
Cashier: Uh... what?
Me: Martha Stewart! I refuse to shop in a store that does business with Martha Stewart.
Cashier: Dude, that's K-Mart.
Me: Oh. Really?
Cashier: Yup.
Me: But, didn't you guys have some illegal alien problem?
Cashier: Uh, I think so.
Me: Well then, I am outraged about that.
Cashier: Uh huh. Look dude, I'm scheduled to go on a break.
Me: An illegal break?
Cashier: Yeah.
Me: Well played, dude, well played.

36 minutes to go.

Then it was off to the Wal-Mart McDonalds where I read a free coloring book about Ronald McDonald and nature. Ronald, Birdee and Grimace interact in a series of games and puzzles with the animals of the forrest. Most of the puzzles consisted of a group of zebras, one without stripes. The caption would say "which one is different?" I wrote in the space provided that it was one of the ones WITH stripes. "After all" I explained "he shares a bungalow in Santa Clara with a couple of dentists. None of whom recommend Trident for patients that chew gum." Then I laughed and laughed. After that I sat on the bench next to the plastic statue of Ronald McDonald. Every now and then I would pretend he was whispering in my ear and then I would shout "That is a wonderful idea! We shall overthrow the Burger King!"
31 minutes to go. 
Over at the front door stood the greeter. I stood in front of him and started greeting. I would wait until he started to open his mouth and then I would jump in.
"Hi, welcome to Wal-Mart"

"It's a beautiful day at Wal-Mart" 
"Slacks are on sale here at Wal-Mart"

"I'm sorry, sir, your attire does not meet the Wal-Mart dress code. Allow me to alert the other customers so then can look away from you as you pass by, in shame." 
Then the greeter punched me in the face. It really stung. She was a tough old bat. 
23 minutes left.
Time for 'knock off food' shopping.
I started with the old favorite. DR. THUNDER. Wow, makes Dr. Pepper seem like a wuss.
Pepperfan: This is one great soda. It has the spicy taste of Pepper.
Thunderfan: Well, whop-dee-doo. My beverage has the noise that is created when air is heated by lighting.
Pepperfan: When did you get them fancy book learnins?
Thunderfan: A few years back, I lived in bungalow with a zebra and another dentist.
Pepperfan: Isn't soda bad for your teeth?
Thunderfan: Only if you take it out of the can before swallowing it.
Some of the other great ones were 'Kaptin Krispie' and 'Rice Crunchies' cereal. I am not sure which was supposed to be 'Rice Crispies' and which was 'Cap'n Crunch' but they both had an angry crab for a mascot.
16 minutes left.
Off to the book section where I read 2 pages of Bill Clinton's memoir before putting it down and reading Nickelodeon magazine. Here are my reviews:
Bill Clinton was really concerned about how altruistic the Cuban trade embargo would look if it was lifted. After all, he reasoned, the people of Cuba had more to gain, than the Castro administration. Still, would it be as if we were rewarding Castro for his brutality? Justin Timberlake is still the king of Hotville, but he better watch is back, because there is a new hotty named Drake Bell, ready to take his throne. Plus, Wild Thornberries is just a bad Dr. Doolitle rip-off.
4 minutes left.
I walk back up to the counter to get my CD. It was ready! With 4 minutes to spare. I got it home and stuck it into the computer, only to find photo after photo of some guy, his wife and kid. DOING NOTHING.
They sit, they stand, they alternate who holds the kid. YAWWWN. I was certainly disappointed that I got the wrong photo CD, and I must go back ASAP to get my negatives redone. But, the flip side is this: Forty years from now, some people will take the CD to Future Foto (the number one photo place in the future universe) to recreate the photo memories that were destroyed in the great fire of 2044.
Person One: This is really exciting! So this CD holds photos of Dad as a little boy?
Person Two: Yup! Grandmom and Grandpop were sitting with him, and then they stood with him. It should be SO EXCITING!
Person One: God that cashier had an attitude.
Person Two: I know! You were right, Balto is way better than Future Shrek.
Person One: Uh, huh. Well, show me the photos. This is great! My first look at Grandmom and Grandpop!
(flipping through photos)
Person Two: Wait a minute! These aren't Grandmom, Grandpop and Dad! These are photos of Guy Hutchinson shaking hands with Mr. T!
Person One: Wow, that is so much BETTER!
Well, I guess I have done my part at making the world a better place.

Friday, July 16, 2004

Terror of the Cannibal Taco

A Bunch O Junk Children's story

Telly Taco was a taco. Hard shell, lots of beef and a generous helping of fresh cut lettuce. He was a dandy delight.

He slid across the shelf. He wanted to visit a friend at the soft taco work station.

It was dark inside his home, his big home. Every taco he knew lived there. The light from the large "DISCO TACO" sign shown through his window.

Telly wished there was more light, the darkness scared him so much his lettuce was quivering.

Telly could wait to see his friend. Her name was Sally Soft Taco. He met her and a gentleman name Free Refills (Dining Room Only)Cup today after they were ordered by a customer who sent them back saying "I hate lettuce!"

Free Refills (Dining Room Only)Cup left with the customer, he didn't have any lettuce in him.

Telly started to think of how much he missed Free Refills (Dining Room Only) Cup, but suddenly his attention was diverted. An older taco was on the counter traveling away from Sally's place. This taco looked bad, absolutely rotten.

Telly raced to her place, but it was too late. She was gone! All that was left was a few pieces of lettuce. The rotten taco must have ate her.

He wept openly. Telly wanted to avenge her death, but he was too scared. "What should I do?" he thought.

Just then the lights came on and a fat clerk bit his head off.

Thursday, July 15, 2004

The plane truth about Delta flight DL 82 (get it? The PLANE truth)

Delta flight DL 82, non stop from Philadelphia to Los Angeles California.
The flight started boarding on time at 7:40. First Class boarded first followed by 'zone one'.
I had never noticed the zone on my ticket before. In the past I remembered them boarding us by rows. Not anymore. We are in the zone! I hope this process takes a hold everywhere. I WANT THE WORD ZONE TO REPLACE THE WORD ROW.

OTHER GUY: Hey! Did you get tickets to the Aaron Carter concert yet?
ME: Yeah buddy! I got front zone tickets!
OTHER GUY: Get out! I am so jealous! You will be so close!
ME: Yeah, isn’t he dreamy?

It will be a better world once zone replaces row.

PASTOR: Please pass the collection plate to the end of the row.

PASTOR: Yo! Pass the dishie down the ZONE! For shizel my nizel!

People that have 'corn rows' in their hair will have corn zones. Even corn itself will change. Rather than eat one row of corn off the cob, you can eat a ZONE!

Zone, zone, zone your boat gently down the stream. Merrily, Merrily, Merrily life is but a dream.

Scooby Doo will be redubbed.
SCOOBY: Rut row Raggy, a ronster!
SCOOBY: Rut zone Raggy, a ROOSTER... what? A ronster? Oh, like monster! I hate this job.

So, the zones were called one by one until ZONE 7 and ZONE 8 were called AT THE SAME TIME.
I didn't know weather to applaud or to tremble in fear. This stewardess was either crazy or crazy good at seating people. Well, she seated everyone. My hat is off to you!

Shortly after we were seated we prepared for take off. A video screen pops down and tells you how to put on a seat belt.

Years ago the stewardesses used to talk through this speech, calmly pointing to the emergency exits, but now we have the video. I prefer the live version except for one part.

The oxygen mask sequence.

The oxygen mask sequence is one of the greatest moments in the history of acting. Let’s take a look at what the script must have looked like:

Scene 3- Oxygen Mask

TONYA, a well to do professional woman is sitting in an airline seat. She is reading a non-descript book. Suddenly the plane starts to rock back and forth. Flames can be seen shooting in through the window. The Narrator speaks.
In the event that the cabin becomes depressurized oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling.

Tonya calmly puts her book in the seat back pocket in front of her. She then takes the orange mask that has dropped from the ceiling. She slowly puts it over her face taking time adjusting the straps to fit.
If you are traveling with children, please secure your mask first before helping them with theirs.

The camera pulls back to reveal TONYA'S SON sitting next to her staring forward Tonya carefully puts the other mask on her son.

I recently found a tape marked "OXYGEN MASK DELETED SCENE" here is what it shows:

Tonya gets off the plane at her destination, and is greeted at the tarmac by a DYFUS employee who takes her child from her. She is arrested on charges of child neglect and serves two years in prison. Later, she takes her own life by bludgeoning herself with a toy airplane.

After the video ends the Captain begins his talk.

"Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Karl I will be your captain on our journey to California."

Captain Karl! How cool is that! I hope he spells captain with a 'k'. Kaptain Karl! We are in for some wacky HIGH-JINKS! High, because we will be in the AIR!

After Double K (my new nickname for Kaptain Karl) finishes his talk, we take off. The screen now begins to run trivia. Some of the trivia is related to air travel, the rest is just there to make you feel stupid.

Did you know that New Zeland offered women the right to vote before the united states? No? That is because you are stupid. (Trivia can be so MEAN.)

Then, you are invited to purchase a meal. That is not a typo. They charge you for airline food!

The food was provided by Hard Rock Cafe. The choices were: a Denver omelet, some kind of fruit thing, and a ham, egg and cheese croissant.

I wish the Hard Rock had been a little more creative with their menu. I would have made David Bow-tie pasta with a side of Bruce String Beans and Elvis Parsley. But, I digress.

I ordered the ham, egg and cheese croissant. I was hoping for something similar to what McDonalds would serve. It cost $8, I hoped it would resemble a $3 fast food breakfast, and I was still disappointed.
What I got was a cold slice of American cheese, ONE THIN slice of lunch meat ham, and two slices of a hardboiled egg on a croissant. It was a meal fit for a king... King Harley Race (I know, it’s not very funny, I just wanted to make a Harley Race reference.)
To justify the use of the word 'meal', they also give you a cup of apple sauce and a granola bar. They still give you free beverages on the plane, and a bag of pretzels.

Time for the IN FLIGHT ENTERTAINMENT! No, not the movie presentation, I am talking about watching a fat woman try to get around the beverage cart after using the bathroom. HA! That was funny!

Next they run a preview for the feature Rules Of Attraction. Then they start selling headphones. They say you can use your own, but that never works right. They have a bizarre 2 pronged headphone that is standard only in Mongolia. So I buy the headphones, promising that I will remember to bring them on the next flight. I have made this promise to myself every single trip. For good measure, I promise not to make any Harley Race jokes for the next decade.

Rules Of Attraction stars Julianne Moore and Pierce Brosnan. You may remember a few years ago when Pierce made the film The Thomas Crown Affair he said he was trying to make all of his non-James Bond film roles movies the Bond fans would enjoy.

Apparently Bond fans want to see romantic comedies about dueling attorneys finding love in Ireland.

Kaptain Karl interrupts the movie 4 times to tell us what we are flying over. Too bad we can't see any of it because of the clouds, but Karl assures us there are still things below us.

After the movie, an episode of Frasier runs. This is one of the MANY episodes where Lilith returns to Seattle. The show opens in AN AIRPLANE. Lilith is sitting next to a frightened man aboard a plane.

Man: I'm a nervous flyer.
Lilith: Yes, I see. Oh, you're white as a sheet.
Man: No, actually, I'm always this pale. My ex-wife used to say she could tell when I was embarrassed because I'd turn off-white.

Oh, that old gag about people being scared to fly. I would find this funny except I am on a PLANE. Hey, show us one about people with ecoli when you serve the Hard Rock meal! That would be great!

So, after Frasier, it is time to land. All in all, I HIGHLY recommend DL 82. Make sure to fly it when you have a chance.

Click here to read a junk about Soul Plane.

Have you had any memorable flights?

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

Magazine, you look great in that sweater

I loved Mad Magazine as a kid. I loved it so much that, to this day, you name a movie from the 70's or 80's and I can tell you the title of the Mad satire.

The Godfather = The Oddfather
Rocky 3 = Rockhead 3
Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back = Star Bores: The Empire Strikes Out
Earthquake = Mirthquake
Little Darlings = Little Star'Lings

And I never even SAW Little Darlings. In fact the only way I know of it is FROM Mad. Mad could have made the movie up!

Mad also had Snappy Answers To Stupid Questions, a comedy concept that was never actually very funny, but I always looked forward to it. The Fold In on the back cover was my least favorite part of Mad. I would have to look through three or four isseus at the drug store to find one that had not been folded in.
I never folded mine, because I had an odd desire to keep it un-folded. I was actually only about 2 years away from an obsessive compulsive fold in disorder when I stopped buying Mad.

If they had kept the good jokes coming I would still buy it. I would also have worn the skin off my hands compulsivly cleaning them to prevent soiling the fold in.

Cracked Magazine. Considered by some to be a cheap knock off of Mad, Cracked has certainly stood the test of time. My favorite Cracked feature was The Cracked Lens. They would show stills from old movies and throw in bizzare quotes. It rarely made any sense.

At my grade school there were 2 gangs. The gang that liked Mad and the gang that liked Cracked. It was like the bloods and the crips.

I wasn't in the gangs because I liked Crazy.

Crazy was a short lived Marvel attempt at getting into the comedy magazine business. It featured a scuzzy evil clown as their mascot. HOW COULD I NOT LOVE IT.

Other humor magazines that didn't make it included:

Despite the impressive interview list, and the name recognition, Muppet Magazine did not last. I have an issue from 1984. On the cover Mr. T poses with Kermit the Frog and Animal (who is dressed as Mr. T.) Inside Fozzie conducts an interview with Weird Al Yankovic and Gonzo teaches you how to breakdance. HOW DID THIS MAGAZINE NOT MAKE IT. That has to be the coolest line-up any publication has ever had.

I never got a copy of ALF magazine. I always liked the show, because who doesn't like a wisecracking puppet, but I never bought this. I figured I would stick with the proven commodity of MAD or CRACKED.

ALF magazine was another short-lived puppet run publication. Sadly furry monsters did receive a modicum of success when a furry monster named Rosie O'Donnell started her own magazine. For those keeping track, Rosie is gone, too.

Anybody remember these? Or any others I forgot?

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

Junior Jr.

Recently I found out that Marlon Brando's full name was Marlon Brando Jr. Interesting, don't you think? Not an earth shattering revelation or anything, but interesting.

After about 10 minutes of research, I was AWASH in the Jr.'s of Movieland. Clint Eastwood, Will Smith, Robert De Niro, George Lucas, Bill Cosby and George Peppard ARE ALL JR.S!
Add to that list the "out of the closet" Jr.s like Sammy Davis Jr. and Robert Downey Jr. and I have come to one conclusion.


Oh wait, two conclusions.

The other conclusion is: The industry is over run with Jr.s!

(By the way, it is at this point that I must admit my ignorance. I have no idea how to properly pluralize Jr. and 'spell check' wont help me. Jr.s is what you will see in this article. If it is wrong, deal with it.)

With this OVERLOAD of Jr.s. I present:


The award for BEST TOKEN UGLY BOY BAND MEMBER goes to:

Joseph Fatone Jr. (Joey Fatone)
Yes, Joey Fatone. Ironically he was slightly overweight and his last name was FAT ONE. Even more ironic, Justin Timberlake, chose the STAGE NAME Justin Timberlake over his given name JUSTIN OVERRATEDONE.

The award for BEST STRAIGHT MAN TO SCREECH goes to:
Mario López Jr. (Mario Lopez)
Yes, Screech rode Mario's coat tails to fame and fortune. If it wasn't Urkel's violent attack (and murder) of Screech in the late 90's, who knows how far Mario and Screech would have gone.

The award for BEST MUSIC TO A SCI FI CLASSIC goes to:
John Williams Jr. (John Williams)
You may recognize the name John Williams. He has scored virtually every film George Lucas and Steven Spielberg have directed. He has scored films so diverse as E. T. The Extra Terrestrial, Raiders of the Lost Ark, and Home Alone. His filmography includes over 200 projects. We, are honoring him for his unforgettable music in one of them. Heartbeeps. No other conductor could have tugged at our emotions as we watched Andy Kaufman's journey as a robot. Sci fi fans everywhere thank you, Mr. Williams.

Judge Reinhold (Edward Ernest Reinhold Jr.)
See, we were doing that whole 'parenthesis around the real name after the well known name' thing for a reason. Who knew his real name was Edward? Who cared?

The award for BEST JR. WHO WE COULDN'T MAKE FUN OF goes to:
Martin Luther King Jr. (Martin Luther King Jr.)

The award for BEST KOOKY ANCHORMAN STORY goes to:
Dan Rather (Dan Irvin Rather Jr.)
If you do not remember the 'What's the frequency, Kenneth?' incident, click here.Otherwise, here is a quick re-cap. Dan claimed that a man beat him up while screaming "What's the frequency, Kenneth?" Then REM made a song out of it. If only someone would beat down Michael Stipe screaming "What's the deal with your lame esoteric music these days?" Well, now I know what to wish for when I blow out the candles next birthday.

The award for BEST JUNIOR goes to:
Louis Gossett Jr. (Louis Gossett Jr.)
Caesar Romero (Caesar Romero Jr.)
Louis Gossett Jr. is honored for being brave enough to keep the Jr. intact at the end of his name. He is also commended for resisting public pressure to change his name to LoGoJo during his brief courtship of Jennifer Lopez.
Caesar Romero is honored because he is CAESAR FRICKIN' ROMERO!

The award for WORST JUNIOR goes to:
JUNIOR (Lousy movie Jr.)
Yup, Schwarzenegger tried to be pregnant and Emma Thompson tried to be funny. I don't know which was more impossible.

Well, that wraps it all up.

Now, complain about my choices, please.

Monday, July 12, 2004

Working in a flaming pit of garbage as glass chard toting monkeys threaten you, and villagers laugh at you

Wow. That has to be the longest title for ANYTHING since Lara Croft: Tomb Raider: Cradle of Life. Really. Plus, it is not really a catchy title. I would probably have skipped it myself, except for the monkeys.

I love monkeys. I am not sure why. My dream is to one day have a monkey that FOLLOWS me around wearing identical clothes. He would also play the fiddle and we would have a hoe down nightly (I would play the jug, of course.)

Monkeys are funny, and so is garbage.

Think about it. Movies like Garbage Pail Kids and The Garbage Picking Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon are considered by virtually every film historian as 'the FUNNIEST movies ever made.'

Plus, what would be funnier than dumping garbage on someone. Nickelodeon has founded an ENTIRE network out of this philosophy. Garbage, like monkeys, is FUNNY.

This brings me to the title. I once saw a man who was working in a flaming pit of garbage as glass chard toting monkeys threatened, and villagers laughed at him.

I was watching TV and I flipped past PBS. They were showing monkeys playing in a pit of garbage. I had to watch. Then one of the monkeys grabbed a piece of broken glass. The narrator explained that monkeys would search for things in the trash to play with or to use as a tool.


At first the monkey was AMAZED by the glass. He held the chard up to his face and admired his reflection. He HOWLED with glee. Soon other monkeys gathered around. After finding the magic of the chard of glass they dug through the trash and found their own chard. There, in the pit of garbage, several monkeys admired themselves in a chard of glass. Suddenly, the number of monkeys OUTNUMBERED the pieces of glass.


Soon, monkeys were fighting, swinging their shards of glass at each other like the Jets and the... uh whatever gang Travolta was in in Grease (or West Side Story, I have trouble separating one 'singing thug' movie from the next.)
The narrator then explained that the local villagers enjoyed watching the monkeys (no, not Davey Jones), and who could blame them. How many can say that they have witnessed a full on monkey war that did not involve Roddy McDowell or Marky Mark?

Suddenly, due to the heat the garbage BURSTS into flames. Yes, not a big inferno, but smaller fires caused (said the narrator) by the reflection of the sun rays off the glass shards. The light would hit some flammable liquid an bam! We have FIRE.

This didn't stop the monkeys, they kept battling. Nor, were the villagers phased by the fire. They sat there at the fence pointing and laughing.


A young man, probably in his 20's stood in the pit of flaming garage with a shovel. He was shoveling garbage on top of the flames, presumably to put the fire out.


How much could they possibly pay him? How could this be worthwhile?

I thought I had bad jobs, but NONE topped this. What was your worst job?

Wednesday, July 07, 2004

Back on the Street

This year Sesame Street celebrates its 35th Anniversary. Let's take a good look at the VERY first show.

The first episode of Sesame Street was rather different than the way the show is today. Big Bird looked rather odd, Oscar was orange and Gordon was... uh... Sam Jackson from Pulp Fiction.
Really! He had the afro and everything. They have changed Gordon's a few times during the early days of the show. There were a total of 3 Gordons and NONE of them looked alike.

The current Gordon is Roscoe Orman. Roscoe had quite a career before Sesame Street. Most notably, he played the title role in Willie Dynamite a blacksplotation film. Willie Dynamite is a mean drug pusher and pimp. Big Bird would be so ashamed.

The first episode starts with Pulp Fiction Gordon (Matt Robinson) leading a young girl named Sally down the street. Early on she meets Mr. Hooper.

GORDON: Mr. Hooper, I would like you to meet Sally.
HOOPER: Hello Sally.
GORDON: Sally is new here on Sesame Street.
HOOPER: Hello, new Sally.

If you listen carefully after that exchange you can hear Jim Henson writing "Don't let Mr. Hooper ad lib anymore!" in his notebook.

Next Sally meets Big Bird. Bird has a much smaller head in this episode. He looks a little creepy. He speaks in a sing song-y yokel voice (like Barney) during this show. Bird is scared by Sally and says that he "Almost laid an egg right here on Sesame Street."


Big Bird is a male bird, so clearly he doesn't lay eggs. There is just something about him being pregnant that I find disturbing. Correction: EVERYTHING about him being pregnant I find disturbing.

After this we are treated to a series of vignettes where Cookie Monster eats letters and numbers. I always found it interesting that he is the COOKIE monster, despite the fact that he doesn't seem discerning about his food intake. Cookies are his favorite, maybe, but he will eat the plate you serve them on.

There was a 'Got Milk?' poster featuring Cookie Monster a few years ago.

It bothered me that he seems unable to digest cookies without milk. I HAVE SEEN HIM EAT A HUBCAP. If he did have milk, he would eat it, glass and all. Maybe he would just rip the udders off a cow and eat them. Now that I think about it, the people of Sesame Street must be living in constant fear of a Cookie Monster rampage. I bet Ernie sleeps with a gun under his pillow.

Later, the show takes us to Gordon's house where Bob is helping Gordon hang a picture. Gordon speaks to him in a patronizing tone, much like you speak to a child. This seems to be common on kid’s shows so the children can follow along with the dialogue. Bob, however, is not having it.

GORDON: Hold the nail there, and after you do that pull the hammer back and-
BOB: I know, I teach shop.

WOAH! Bob is a little testy today! Don't anger Bob, he has a hammer.

I have a brief Bob story. A few years ago I met Gordon (Orman) at the local mall. He was doing a show for kids. He was a really nice guy, and I got an autograph from him. Afterwards I decided to write him a thank you note, and while I had the pen out, I wrote an autograph request to Bob as well.

Bob sent back a letter from his secretary saying:

Mr. McGrath would like to grant your request; however, he is too busy to sign autographs due to the volume of mail he receives.

HOW COULD THAT BE? How many people are writing to Bob McGrath? I wonder if he does the same thing to the credit card company.

Mr. McGrath would like to grant your request; however, he is too busy to sign checks due to the volume of mail he receives.

Anyway, Bob knows how to use a hammer. So Gordon leaves to introduce Sally to Oscar the Grouch. Oscar looked EXACTLY the same, except he was ORANGE. He actually looked pretty good that way. I don't know why they changed him to the 'mold green' color he is today. I suppose that more of our garbage is GREEN. Realistically, living in a trash can, Oscar should have contracted dysentery and turned a bloated yellow color by now. But, that is nit picking.

The show wraps up with Sally talking with Gordon (MAN HE WAS A CAMERA HOG) and Bert and Ernie. Gordon wraps up the show by asking Sally if she remembered everyone. Then he asks her if she remembers Oscar. He holds up his fingers to his mouth and mimes smoking a cigarette. I still don't know why. Perhaps Oscar was a chain smoker back then.

As for Sally, I never saw her again on the show. Perhaps her parents got a little suspicious of all the attention Gordon was lavishing on her and decided to move to the suburbs. Not a bad call, who knows how long before Cookie Monster and Bob go on an eating/hammering rampage.

Tuesday, July 06, 2004

Taco Bell Kids meals: Robops

Taco bell has outdone themselves! They have introduced a kids meal that features Mr. T!

They are called Robops. They are a hip rappers and robots. Their name is a cross between the word 'robot' and the letter 'p'.


Now, as for Mr. T, take a look at DJ Spinner in the back on the turntable. He wears a gold chains and has a mohawk. Just like Mr. T.

Now making a robot Mr. T brings up many questions: Why would a robot wear gold chains? How would a robot get a haircut, let alone a mohawk? And why isn't Mr. T co-starring in I-Robot?

Whille DJ Spinner tries to get the beat, G-Lix is on the microphone. G-Lix is extending his 2 fingers leading some to think he is holding the peace sign. This is not the case. G-Lix is playing a game of "paper, rock, scissors" (known to some as "rock, paper, scissors" and known to the people of West Virginia as "The way we pick the mayor"). G-Lix is playing the game with a fan in the front row. If the fan wins, he gets to dance on stage with the band. If G-Lix wins, the machines will rise up and annihilate everyone in the stadium. My money's on G-Lix.
By the way, it seems G-Lix was modeled after Spongebob's catankerous co-star Squidward.

Standing on stage in the middle is B-Beats. You may have seen B-Beats starring in the film Iron Giant.

B-Beats is the peacenick of the group as he proudly wears a peace symbol around his neck. He also wears a pair of bright red clown shoes preventing people from taking his message of peace seriously.

The final member of the band is M.C. Mike. He is nothing more than a tube of toothpaste with a hat.

As far as Taco Bell kids meal toys go, Robops are a bit of a let down. They aren't nearly as cool as the recent JAM-phibians, nor are they as cool as this photo of Gene Hackman.

However, being Robots, they are cool.

and now:

The Five Coolest Robots Of All Time

5. Voltron:
Made from several smaller (and still cool) robots he maintains all of their coolness to become SUPERCOOL.

4. Tom Servo:
Mystery Science Theater 3000 owes much of it's sucess to this wisecracking robot. He is the essence of cool.

3. Robocop:
Man he was cool, and ARMED. I'd buy that for a dollar!

2. R2D2:
The robot that put the STAR in Star Wars.


1. Robot (from Rocky IV)
Would Rocky IV have been cool without Robot? I don't even want to think about it. From the moment Pauly recieved Robot on his birthday, the film was awash in coolness.

Monday, July 05, 2004

Really amazing facts

1. Only one word in the English language is spelled the same forwards and upside down. The word is pounod.

2. "Play it again, Sam" was never uttered during the film Casablanca, rather it was said in Gone With The Wind.

3. In the movie Cast Away Chuck Noland (Tom Hanks) has a Fed Ex package that he never opens. Inside the package was Marsellus Wallace's soul.

4. Mikey (from the Life Cereal commercials) died from drinking BEER and Pop Rocks... and then driving.

5. With seahorses, it is the male that gives birth... to Marsellus Wallace's soul.

6. The phrase 'liar, liar, pants on fire' was coined by U.S. Senator Benjamin Borow in 1889 to describe fellow Senator Nathaniel Pants who had lied to the Senate. Borow then set him on fire.

7. During his 100 year life (including his work for the troops) Bob Hope never once wore shoes.

8. In Hawaii the word 'aloha' can mean either 'hello' or 'Dude, that sweater looks most comfortable.'

9. Most of the works attributed to William Shakespeare were actually written by Francis Bacon, who incidentally wrote them on the back of strips of bacon.

10. The Chevy Nova was recalled in Mexico when it was discovered that, literally translated, 'Nova' is Spanish for 'boring show on PBS.'

11. Grimace is the only one of the McDonaldland characters that does not have a beard and does not talk.

12. The fortune cookie was not invented in China, rather, it was invented in Portugal. The only difference was instead of fortunes paper money was used. Also instead of putting the money in a cookie, it was put in a leather billfold. Many credit this 'fortune cookie' as being the predecessor to the wallet.

13. To a German crowd President John F. Kennedy proclaimed "Eich bein ein Berliner." The intended to mean "I am a Berliner." Instead, due to a mispronunciation, he said "I am Marsellus Wallace's soul."

Saturday, July 03, 2004

Happy 4th of July Cecilla

In honor of the 4th of July I have translated Paul Simon's absurd Cecilia verse(for more info read thisJunk, to listen to this verse click here)

Making love in the afternoon with Cecilia,
Up in my bedroom, making love
I got up to wash my face
When I come back to bed
Someone's taken my place

Facendo l'amore nel pomeriggio con Cecilia, nella mia camera da letto,
rendente ad amore mi sono alzato per lavare la mia faccia quando ritorno alla base Someone's presa il mio posto

Making infatuate in the afternoon with Cecilia, in my bedroom,
rendering to love they are raised me in order to wash my face when return to taken the Someone's base my place

Odd, aint it?

Let us try my wacky rendition from English to Japanese and back:

Eating Lunch in the afternoon, by myself,
Up in my bedroom, eating lunch
I got up to wash my face
When I came back to bed
I sat on my plate


When returning to the bed which in order to wash my surface in the afternoon me with me is put in place lunch in my edition, eating with by my with respect to my bedroom eating lunch, I rose

Uh huh. Lets try my misinterpretation of the lyrics to "You May Be Right" from the same Junk. We will use Dutch this time.

I've been stranded in the combat zone
I went to bed with Sly Stallone

I've vastgelopen in het gevechtsterrein ging ik met Sly Stallone naar bed

I've got bogged down in the fighting area I went with Sly Stallone to bed

Not good enough?

Pena bogged começada I've na área de combate eu fui com Stallone sly alojar

Penalty bogged started I've in the combat area I was with Stallone sly to lodge

Okey dokey. One last one, lets do "She's got a dirty mouth. And I mean a dirty mouth with dirt in it." This was in the 'Stupid Kids'Junk.

"She's got a dirty mouth. And I mean a dirty mouth with dirt in it."


She's obtained a dirty mouth. And I mean a dirty mouth by the earth in it.

What does this have to do with the 4th of July? I haven't figured that out yet. Perhaps it means that we are all different and the world needs to understand each other. Or maybe it means the USA RULES! Yeah, that's what it means!


American champion law!

(This post was originally posted for Memorial Day 2004. It wasn't funny then either)

Friday, July 02, 2004

Off-beat vacation spots

Roadside America: It would be wrong of me not to direct you to this fine site it is the BEST place to find off beat travel spots.

Today, just in time for the forth of July, I present some of my favorites, many of which, you will not find on Roadside America.

Sesame Place:
Do you have a trip planned to Langhorne Pennsylvania planned? No? Too bad, because it is home to the ONLY Sesame Street theme park in the world.
Many people mistakenly believe that "World Of Sesame" in Brazil is also a Sesame Street theme park. It is not, rather it is a sort-of spa where people soak in large vats of sesame seed oil to try to ward off evil spirits. If you ever go there tell Hector that Guy Hutchinson says "Hey, hey!" and that I still want my sneaker back.
Sesame Place is mostly a children's theme park, but can still entertain those who don't have any children.
For instance, who wouldn't want to have 'Dinner With Big Bird'? You can hug Big Bird and then chow down on a buffet that includes chicken fingers and chicken marsala. Yup, Big Bird serves you members of his own species, he is obviously very comfortable with his spot on the food chain.
Also at Sesame Place there are several live shows, water slides, a roller coaster and a rubber duckie the size of an SUV.

Wax Museums:
I love wax museums. There is nothing like seeing a wax sculpture of a celebrity in person. It's like being there with the celebrity, only much more fun. I spent 10 minutes once telling a wax statue of Eddie Murphy that I hated Metro. It was great.
Me: I hated Metro
Wax Eddie:
Me: Name one good thing about that movie! Name one!
Wax Eddie:
Me: I didn't think you could.

My favorite wax museum is Movieland Wax in fabulous Buena Park California. They have some of the most AMAZING sets I have ever seen. The sets include a replica of the Oval office, Texas Chainsaw Massacre and a HUGE set of the Poseidon Adventure. They also have an amazing likeness of Mr. T.
Another wax Mr. T statue Movieland Wax in Niagara Falls Canada. The statue in Niagara Falls is not as good a likeness, and the two museums are not affiliated (despite the similar name.)
One thing about wax museums is, a bad wax museum can be better than a good one. In a wax museum in Myrtle Beach South Carolina there were statues of Abe Lincoln, George Washington, Richard Nixon, Jimmy Carter and Ronald Reagan. They were all standing in a White House setting holding Bic pens and signing the Declaration of Independence. I am not sure if that statue or museum still exist, but I hope so. Then if aliens ever visit our planet they will believe that Lincoln, Washington, Carter, Nixon and Reagan were the fathers of our country.

Marvel's Adventure City:
A very unique theme park awaits your visit to Niagara Falls. Actually, it's more of an arcade, but It does have a few theme park rides and a theme park feel. Most interesting is the Spider-Man ride, a dark ride with guns and targets (not unlike Universal's Men In Black or Disney's Buzz Lightyear's Space Ranger Spin.)
Adventure City also features X-Men bumper cars. You may not see the tie in between X-Men and bumper cars at first, but think about it. If you were a mutant with metal rods extending from your knuckles, you would probably have a sub-par driving record; hence the bumper cars.

Gatorland! This is really cool. Part zoo, part... uh gator habitat. The best way to put it is this: at Gatorland alligators JUMP 6 feet out of the water to catch hunks of chicken meat. If only Big Bird was holding the chicken meat it would be the GREATEST place on earth.

Gravity Hill:
A bizarre spot in Pennsylvania where gravity does not EXIST. You can park your car and drop a tennis ball on the ground and it will roll UPHILL. Or pour out a water bottle, it will flow up hill. Bring Flo from the TV show ALICE, hit her with the tennis ball and she will say "Kiss my grits" UPHILL!
There are 'Gravity Hills' in 7 different states, but the Pennsylvania one was the only one I found with a gift shop.
Many of the gravity hills are considered to be HAUNTED! Most have legends about kids being killed and deciding to pull cars up a hill in the afterlife, or a chicken's ghost that is getting his revenge against Big Bird by pulling cars up a hill.
Do you want to know how they work?
The road's slight "rise" is, in fact, a "fall." Yes, contrary to what the eye perceived, gravity hills are actually a decline.
See, they are not actually a place where natures laws do not apply, but an optical illusion created by the land, the trees, etc.

Cheers Bars:
It doesn't matter if you live on the East Coast or the West Coast, you have a Cheers Bar. Now, if you live somewhere in the middle, you don't have one. But, you have Piggly Wigglys so quit complaining.
Cheers Boston: This bar is the outside street location. Doesn't really look like it on the inside, but it is great to look at on the outside. This IS the place where Jay Leno did the live show after the airing of the final episode. If you do not remember, everyone was drunk and Carla cursed on live TV. So, maybe you can reenact that when you go.
Plus, at Cheers Boston, you can buy Norm's Nuts in a can.

I refuse to make any jokes about this! I will say, however, that according to the can Norm's Nuts are extra large and salted. Uh, lets move on.

The Hollywood Entertainment Museum: in fabulous Hollywood California features the FULL set from Cheers as well as several other shows. So you can SIT in Cliff's seat, you can stand where Sam stood behind the bar, you can walk into Rebecca's office! It is really amazing! During football season they open the bar up free for Monday Night Football. You can drink and eat in the Cheers Bar. Life doesn't get better than that!

Colonel Sanders Museum:
Located in Kentucky, this is the original Colonel Sanders' restaurant. It also features a museum full of KFC artifacts. Plus you can eat chicken there. If only the Colonel was dressed in a Big Bird costume.

Ride The Ducks:
In Philadelphia they have the most unique tour you are likely ever to take. You step aboard a WWII Duk vehicle and they drive you through historic Philadelphia. You see Betsy Ross' house, Ben Franklin's grave, Larry Fine's (Three Stooges) birthplace and more. Then you drive directly into the water and the bus becomes a boat. Everyone aboard gets a chance to steer the 'duck' and then the tour concludes. The tour is funny and educational, plus, you get a special duck whistle so you can quack at pedestrians.
let me repeat that:

If that isn't fulfillment of a life long dream, what is?
One note about the Ducks, in addition to 'Ride the Ducks' there was a competitor named 'Super Ducks'. 'Ride' offers you a duck whistle called a WACKY QUACKER, 'Super' will give you a QUACKY QUACKER. What is the difference? I don't know. But I am sure they are both QUACKTASTIC!

What is your favorite off-beat vacation spot?

Thursday, July 01, 2004


A Bunch O Junk children's story

"... and I have seventy-three Barbies, only, one of them doesn't have a shoe because my little brother was playing with it and he stuck it up his nose." Sheila beamed with pride for a moment, then sat down at her desk.

"O.K. Gamaliel." said Mrs. Beaglebottom "It's your turn. Tell the class something about yourself."

Gamaliel stood and looked sheepishly at his classmates.

"My name is Gamaliel" He said aloud. The class didn't seem impressed. Most of the students had their fingers in each others nostrils trying to find shoes.

"Go on, tell us more." Pleaded Mrs. Beaglebottom.

Without thinking Gamaliel just opened his mouth and started talking.

"I have the same name as former president Warren Gamaliel Harding!" The classmates were still too busy to notice. Gamaliel continued. "Actually almost all of the presidents had the middle name Gamaliel... Abraham Gamaliel Lincoln, George Gamaliel Washington, John Gamaliel Adams, John Quincy Gamaliel Adams, Gamaliel Quincy M.D., Benjamin Gamaliel Franklin, Bob Gamaliel Hope..." The class sat in a completely attentive state, "Even Sy Gamaliel Sperling, President of the Hair Club for people named Gamaliel.

"Wow" said a stunned student clad in an orange shirt.

"Yeah, you always have to vote for the candidate with the middle name Gamaliel, it's the law, it's in the Constitution." Said Gamaliel. He beamed for a moment, the sat down and pulled a shoe out of his nose.