Sunday, July 31, 2005

The Walk of Fame: Vol. C, Part 3

Stan Chambers TV

Stan is a longtime reporter on channel five in Los Angeles. Stan began his career on TV in 1947 when only about 300 TV's EXISTED in Los Angeles. Now there are over 300 restaurants that just serve oxygen in LA.

Gower Champion TV

Dancer, actor and choreographer in many TV shows as well as films such as Show Boat. Worked as a team with wife Marge Champion.

Marge Champion TV

Part of dance team with husband Gower Champion.

Jackie Chan MP

Action star of such films as Rumble in the Bronx and Rush Hour.

Jeff Chandler MP

Film actor who recieved an Academy Award nommination for his 1950 film Broken Arrow.

Lon Chaney MP

Legendary actor in many silent horror films including The Phantom of the Opera.

Carol Channing TV

Popular stage actress, Carol has made countless appearances on TV including an appearance on "The Muppet Show".

Charles Chaplin MP

One of the most popular film stars of all time. He is the only person other than Hitler who wore the 'funny little mustache.'

Marguerite Chapman TV

Actress of film and televison who appeared on such shows as "Police Story" and "Rawhide".

Cid Charisse MP

Actress and dancer in such features as Singing in the Rain.

Ray Charles Rec

Legendary musician whom, accoridng to the Jamie Fox movie, had Daredevil like superpowers including the abiltiy to hear humming birds from a mile away and tell fat women from thin women just by feeling their wrists.

Charley Chase MP

Comic actor in over 200 films from the silent era to the 1940s. His famous co-stars included Charlie Chaplin, Fatty Arbuckle, and Laurel & Hardy.

Chevy Chase MP

One time Saturday Night Live performer who liked to utter the phrase "I'm Chevy Chase and you're not." We should be thankful for that.

Friday, July 29, 2005

Mocking the List: Play It Safe

Take a look at that brochure!
Take a look at that drawing of a bear on a raft!
Take a look at my thumb!

This is the rules section of a brochure for a water park called "Splash Down." They say to "play it safe" and so I figured we could "play a game."

Ugh. That was one of those sentences that sounded better in my head. Plus, this was supposed to be a list, not a game.

Anyway, I have taken the brochure and blocked out key words. Now you get to fill in the blanks. It’s actually more of a quiz than a game. Now that sentence is even dumber.

Here we go:

1. Splash Down is supervised by certified pool operators and all staff is trained in _________.
A) park safety, B) liquid safety awareness or C) The dark ways of Satan

2. Water treatment is the highest standard for _______.
A) water parks, B) municipal standards or C) John Goodman's bathtub

3. Parent/Guardian MUST read posted signs and instruct their children to follow all ________.
A) rules, B) instructions or C) strange men to their cars when offered candy

4. Children who cannot swim MUST be accompanied by an adult while using the _______.
A) activities, B) water slide or C) the 'throw hair dryers in the pool' attraction

5. Children using diapers MUST have _________.
A) proper bathing attire, B) waterproof shorts or C) a permission slip from their toilet

6. Use good personal hygiene in or around ________.
A) water, B) Splash Down or C) EVERYTHING YOU FILTHY SLOB

7. Refrain from going in the water when __________.
A) ill, B) full or C) carrying a bucket of herpes infected eels

8. No running or _______.
A) diving, B) carrying scissors or C) laughing at lame jokes about this list on a website

The answer for everything is “A” (I think. I blocked out the words without writing them down first.)

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Star Trek

Here is a very popular square in the forecourt. It belongs to the cast of the original Star Trek series and it was put in the cement back in 1991 to commemorate the 25th anniversary of the franchise as well as the opening of Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country. I think that might be the one where they talked to whales telepathically. Whales spend most of their time thinking stuff like "do I look fat in this ocean?" and "good lord! Does Ben Stiller have to be in EVERY movie?"

The slab of cement features a small plaque depicting the ship from the series and commemorating creator Gene Roddenberry.
No footprints here, just signatures and handprints. The signatures are of William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy, DeForest Kelley, James Doohan, Walter Koenig, Nichelle Nichols, and George Takei.
The cast claims that they were instructed to sign the cement and NOT put hand prints, but they put them in anyway. Most cast members stuck in both hands, but some only stuck in one. One of the one handed cast members was James Doohan who stuck in his right hand which was missing a finger due to his duty in the armed forces.

Ecuador's Equator

The equator is something I have not thought about since childhood. As a child, it was pretty important. It was this magical line that got the prime location on the globe. Sometimes it was dotted or a different color than the rest of the globe.

The equator was cool.

In the schoolyard it would occasionally be the subject of urban legend. We believed that it was so hot there that people would "spontaneously combust."

Spontaneous combustion was our second favorite topic.

Somehow as an adult the equator seems less important.

Not to Ecuadorians.

I don't know that they are called Ecuadorians. In fact I doubt it. Still, I don't feel like doing the research.

Ecuador means equator. So, it's no surprise that it runs right through their country. They like the equator so much they made a monument to it.

The equator is located at latitude of 0. I bet lots of Ecuadorians drive there and think their GPS is broken.

As you would have guessed people go there all day and put one foot on each side of the equator and then say: "Look Ma! I'm on both sides of the equator!" Then Ma probably screams back: "I done have bigger fish to fry, Sonny! Our GPS is broken!"

If a yellow line is not enough to make you want to visit, they have something even better. A big ol' building that looks like a monument. It's sorta like their Statue of Liberty only they didn't get it from the stinkin' French.

Inside they memorialize many of the great Ecuadorians in history. They also have a gift shop.

I hope terrorist never try to destroy this site. Wouldn't be too hard. They could just take a few buckets of yellow paint and paint dozens of other lines all around the equator. We would all be so confused and unable to find the real one anymore.

Of course we could use our GPS. Too bad it's broken.

Coloring book: Lifeguard

Ahh, the swimming pool. I wish I was there.

The kids in the pool are engaging in horseplay or rough housing. I can't tell which just from a still shot. Either way the lifeguard doesn't like it. She is primed to blow the whistle. She is SO ready that her cheeks have swollen to Dizzy Gillespie proportions.

She is also holding Milk's sunglasses, so either he's swimming elsewhere or the lifeguard is a thief.
I am voting on him being IN the pool since she appears to dumb to be a thief.

Don't believe me? Look at where her chair is located. She has her BACK to half the pool. (Oddly enough, this was from different coloring book than "milk".)

In the background there is a snack bar and a sign that says "L______R RENTAL." Probably "locker" but I am going to pretend it says "liquor." After all you never buy it, you only rent it.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

1964 World's Fair: The Hollywood Pavilion

The World's Fair is not something we hear about much anymore. It’s not really surprising since the United States has not hosted one in over 20 years and, let’s face it, we could care less about other countries. Still, they still hold World's Fairs.

In fact, there is one going on RIGHT NOW and it looks pretty awesome. But, it’s in Nagakute & Seto, Japan.

World's Fairs are interesting. For starters they are usually GIGANTIC. Dozens of buildings on hundreds of acres of land. They showcase technology and science, have pavilions to demonstrate the cultures of many different cultures and they have a few rides.

If it sounds like Epcot, it should. Walt Disney World's Epcot was designed to be like World's Fair only more expensive.

The 1964 fair was one of the most famous, for several reasons. First, it was not actually sanctioned by the body that governs the Fairs. They only allow one fair per country every decade. In 1962 Seattle had hosted a World's Fair; this one was in Flushing, New York.

Because it was not sanctioned, many countries didn't show up. This led to many more commercial pavilions which, ultimately, were more popular.

The second reason for the success of the 1964 World's Fair was Walt Disney. Several Disneyland attractions made their debuts at the fair. "It's a Small World" was part of the Pepsi Pavilion. Ford presented "The Magic Skyway", a ride that ended up being part of Disneyland's "Peoplemover" and "Disneyland Railroad" attractions. Also, there was "Great Moments with Mr. Lincoln" and "The Carousel of Progress."

The most important reason for the fair's success was that it was in Flushing. The word "Flushing" makes people laugh. That should never be underestimated.

The fair occupied over 650 acres of land and had 24 countries represented. Also, many US states set up pavilions to promote tourism. In addition to states, Hollywood decided to set up a pavilion.

In a short documentary about The World's Fair actor Lorne Green stood in front of the Hollywood pavilion and showed us the set from Gunsmoke.

The pavilion’s entrance was a facade of Grauman's Chinese Theater. The replica was not to scale or complete, but it did have hand and footprints of celebrities in its pavement.

Inside movie props and other displayed thrilled fair-goers. Sets from West Side Story stood along recreations of the glittering throne rooms from Cleopatra and the King and I.

Admission was $1.25.

I don't know what became of the pavilion after the fair ended. It was likely, demolished along with 90% of the fair. It's a shame really, because I happen to have a dollar right here. Anyone care to loan me a quarter?

Monday, July 25, 2005

Merengue Night

A story of Mr. T, baseball and the Carousel of Progress
Mr. T threw out the first pitch of Friday's Chicago White Sox/Boston Red Sox game. Baseball great Carlton Fisk caught the pitch. See, this was a promotion for Hanes' new "Double Tough" Socks. See both teams are called "sox" (like "socks" but spelled in a manner that sports fans can read quicker), Mr. T is "tough" and Fisk probably hit a double at some point in his career.

Anyway, I wasn't able to book a flight and ended up stuck in New York during the ceremony. So I called up my good friend, Mr. Freeze, and we headed to Shea Stadium. See, I figured if I couldn't attend the first pitch in Chicago I would attend the first pitch in NY. It was purely idiotic so, naturally, Freeze agreed to come along.

We got onto the subway and started the short journey into Flushing. It was on the subway that I realized two things:
The subway is like the train's creepy, retarded brother who they keep locked in the basement.
I am not a nice person.

I jumped aboard the subway and looked for a seat. For those who have never been on a NYC subway, they have two kinds of seats: light orange with dark orange trim and dark orange with light orange trim. I chose light orange with dark orange trim (or it could have been the other one. I'm not really sure; I'm just trying to fill paragraphs.)

Across the subway car I noticed that three of the seats were wet. A small puddle of liquid sat in the well of the orange plastic seat.

I don't know what kind of liquid and I don't wish to think about it.

I guess I could say I was minding my business, but I am ashamed to say I sat there as one by one each of the seats filled. The first guy mumbled something in Spanish after sitting down, and he sat on the edge of the seat for the remainder of the trip. The second guy jumped up in shock after he realized the seat was wet. Then, inexplicitly he rubbed his backside furiously. The last seat was filled by a large woman with a hairy mustache (in fairness it could have been an average sized MAN with an AVERAGE mustache.) She didn't move at all. I almost asked her if she noticed her seat was wet, but then I lost my nerve. I shall regret that for the rest of my life.

In short order we arrived at Shea. The crowd outside was AMAZING. Tons of people were sitting around outside the stadium. TONS! (I know "tons" is a measurement of 'weight' and not 'quantity' but it sounds better than MANY.)So we looked for a ticket booth, but none were open. So we asked the guy at the souvenir stand. He said "Sold out, dude! It's Merengue Night!"

Then he scoffed at me and mumbled something under his breath. I think it was "Guy is such a loser, trying to get tickets now! On Merengue Night, no less."

I had underestimated the popularity of the Merengue. This is something I shall never do again, so help me God.

I bought a couple of souvenirs to remember the moment I learned to respect the Merengue. A "Mr. Met" keychain, a mini bat and an inflatable stadium replica.

The inflatable stadium in a 12" perfect circle and comes with no advice for what you should use it for. It does say "not to be used as a floatation device." It doesn't say whether it should be used as an "erotic device" so I will assume that is a possibility. I could also fill it up with ice and throw some beers in it. Or I could fill it with Epson salt and water and soak my feet in it. I just better make sure not to do all three on the same day.

The good thing about attending a sold out game at Shea Stadium is that you can see the entire game from the subway platform. Its just beyond the outfield and its a pretty good view.

But first I wanted to see the 1964 World's Fairgrounds. I am most interested in this because the Carousel of Progress debuted there. Plus, it was the place where Tommy Lee Jones begged that giant cockroach to eat him in Men In Black.

The Unisphere:
This was the symbol for the World's Fair, and one of the few remaining structures. It was seen in Men In Black, and also in the opening sequence of "King of Queens." It's a pretty cool looking globe and since the Carousel of Progress has since moved to California (and then to Florida, where it remains at Walt Disney's Magic Kingdom) this would have to do.

The Towers of the New York State Pavilion:
This is the other major remnant of the World's Fair, and they also appear in MIB and "King of Queens." Unlike the Unisphere which has been maintained as a national landmark, the Towers and Pavilion are in a terrible state of disrepair. The closer you get, the more real the possibility that they could collapse and kill you becomes.
The pavilion is in even worse shape.

So, we snapped some photos and, with inflatable stadium in hand, headed back to the Subway platform to catch the game.

In case you're wondering, the L.A. Dodgers beat the Mets 6-5 and then we merengued the night away.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Hooray for Hollywood

I am sure you have heard this song before. It's the clich├ęd song to play if Hollywood is mentioned. I know if you go to Disney's California Adventure or Universal Studios you are bound to hear it at least 35 times an hour over the outdoor PA system.

But do you know the full lyrics? I didn't. I came across them the other day and some of them were a little surprising.

Take a look:

Hooray for Hollywood
That screwy, ballyhooey Hollywood!

Right off the bat we have some wacky 1930s lingo! How can you not love this song!
Ballyhoo is defined as: 1. outcry; confusion; noise. 2. misleading or sensational publicity.
I assume they are referring to the second definition. Still, it can get noisy in Hollywood. Plus I have met some confused people there. And there is often some kind of outcry, they protest at the drop of a hat. Seriously, I dropped my hat once and I was surrounded by demonstrators. Of course by "hat" I mean "a bagel" and by "demonstrators" I mean "birds" and by "surrounded" I mean "approached cautiously." I don't think this is going to get funnier so I move on.
Where any office boy
Or young mechanic
can be a panic
With just a good-looking pan
And any barmaid
Can be a star maid

I like the rhyme scheme! They go for the simple rhymes that a third grader would think of. By "pan" they mean "face." I think is more of that crazy slang.
If she dances with or without a fan
Hooray for Hollywood!
Where you're terrific
if you're even good!
Where anyone at all from Shirley Temple
to Aimee Semple

We all know Shirley Temple was a popular child actress, but who was Aimee Semple?
Sister Aimee Semple McPherson was the founder of the International Church of the Four Square Gospel and Angelus Temple. She was also radio’s first female evangelist.
is equally understood
Come on and try your luck
You could be Donald Duck
Hooray for Hollywood!

The Donald Duck reference is also a sign of the times. It may come as a surprise to people today, but after his debut Donald Duck was more popular than Mickey Mouse. Mickey was calm and reserved, but Donald was able to be angry and devilish and audiences loved this. Also, Donald appeared in many anti-Nazi cartoons before and during World War II. Donald would often play the put upon Nazi soldier who rebelled often directly against Hitler.
It was the 1955 debut of Disneyland that ultimately restored Mickey's claim as Disney's top draw.
Hooray for Hollywood!
That phony, super coney, Hollywood
They come from Chillicothes and Paducah
with their bazookas

I am kind of lost here. Let’s try to decipher these words.
coney= I have no idea. I think it just rhymed with "phony."
Chillicothes= A small town it Ohio.
Paducah= A town in Kentucky.
bazookas= A large gun that terrorists from Ohio and Kentucky would take to California in their misguided attempts to take out "those dang conies."
Wow. The song got pretty dark all the sudden.
To see their names up in lights
All armed with photos
From local rotos
With their hair in curlers
and legs in tights

Roto was an old form of printing that chemically etched the image upon a copper cylinder. This was the way many magazines used to be printed.
Hooray for Hollywood!
You may be homely in your neighborhood.
Still, if you think that you can be an actor
See Mister Factor
He'd make a monkey look good!

Mister Factor was the great makeup man Max Factor. The monkey was named Chumbles. He sure looked good.
Within a half an hour
You'll look like Tyrone Power
Hooray for Hollywood!

And Tyrone Power was a good looking actor with a name like a pro wrestler. No wonder they mentioned him.

Anyway, that’s the whole coney ballyhoo for today. Get your bazooka and push your pan against the roto until next time.

Monday, July 18, 2005

Power Tools

This is an odd one. I would think it was a maze, but why? What is the point of this maze? Get the confused little girl to the power tools? Or get the power tools to the little girl? Or do nothing and keep them apart? What is the point?
Hmmmmm. Maybe it's not a maze. Maybe she is a superhero. She has the Riddler's "?" symbol floating above her head and dozens of elastic tentacles. At the end of her tentacles are weapons that look like power tools.
And she wears Peter Pan's hat.
Sony should be making a film based on her next summer. It will be called The League of Poorly Drawn Heroes.

The Coloring Book Main Page

Bus Stop

Check out this terrifying vision of the future! A world where man has been replaced by hippos.
This must take place in England because the hippo driver is on the wrong side of the road.
The hippo driver sits in a car that is SMALLER than a car a human would drive. Hippos must be really cheap.
I have to restate that I am terrified by this vision. Still, perhaps there is hope that the humans will rise up against their hippo oppressors. The hippo driver is on his cell phone which current buzz claims is more dangerous than shooting yourself in the face while driving off a cliff. Also the hippo at the bus stop appears to be motioning to his head as if to say "Hey! Low bridge ahead! You are going to get decapitated in your tiny convertible!"
The hippo driver isn't paying attention.
One down, millions to go.

The Coloring Book Main Page

Disney on Hollywood Blvd.

The most recent Walk of Fame ceremony awarded a star to Disneyland.
In the past the Walk of Fame only awarded stars to people, animals or cartoon characters.

But technically, this isn't part of the Walk of Fame. This star LOOKS like one on the Walk, it was presented by the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce just like the ones on the Walk and it smells like the ones on the walk (think of the bottom of a shoe with a hint of lemon.)

This particular star is located on Hollywood Blvd, but it is on Disney owned property adjacent to the Walk of Fame. It's kind of an honorary star.

Still, as different as it is the Disneyland star is hardly an outcast. It should seem right at home on Hollywood Blvd. Lets take a look at all things Disney on the historic Hollywood Street:

The Walk of Fame:
In addition to the new Disneyland pseudo-star Disney is well represented on the Boulevard. Walt Disney himself was honored twice (TV and Movies), and his brother (and business partner) Roy was honored as well (movies.
In addition Disney animated stars Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck and Snow White all occupy Walk of Fame real estate. Also many of the stars of Disney's films and TV shows have been honored. Most notably, Mouseketeer Annette Funicello whose star is just steps from the Disneyland star.

The Chinese Theater:
The most famous theater in the world is, of course, known for its forecourt where movie stars have left their hand and foot prints. Walt Disney attended several premieres at this theater, including Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. Still, he never left his hands in the cement there. One Disney star did, however. Donald Duck has one of the most prominent slabs in the forecourt. It's right out front and close to the street. C. Ducky Nash who voiced the Duck for many years signed the slab under Donald's giant webbed feet.
Two other Disney stars were put into cement, Herbie the Love Bug and Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. These were only honorary ceremonies and the handprints have since been removed.
Yes, I wrote "hand prints" when, in Herbie's case, they were tire prints. I refuse to apologize.

Snow White Cafe:
A short walk from the Chinese Theater is this often overlooked attraction. Opened by Walt Disney in 1946, this small restaurant is best known for fine coffee and beautiful Snow White murals. The murals cover most of the walls and are breathtakingly beautiful. I also like that "black coffee" sounds like it would be Snow White's archenemy... if Snow White was a superhero. I really wish she was a superhero.

The El Capitain Theater:
This classic (and classy) Hollywood theater is located directly across from the Chinese Theater. It ONLY shows Disney films, usually preceded by a 20 minute stage show featuring Mickey Mouse and company.

Disney's Soda Fountain and Studio Store:
This quant throwback to the early days of Hollywood just opened in July 2005. It's an old fashioned soda fountain that serves ice cream as well as Mickey Mouse shaped peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

Disney Studios locations:
This might be a stretch, but I need to fill a couple more paragraphs. In the Disney Studios theme park in Orlando, Florida there are several buildings that are replicas of many of the famous buildings here in Hollywood. Of course the most famous is the full scale replica of Grauman's Chinese Theater. In their forecourt a slew of celebrities have left hand prints as well. Including Kermit the Frog (with Jim Henson), Billy Joel and Hulk Hogan. Many of the stars here could not be honored at the Chinese (prove me wrong, Bobcat Goldwaith) but there are some (such as Sylvester Stallone) that have been honored at both.
Also, the famous Max Factor building is replicated in Florida (at least the ground floor) among others.

In short, Disneyland is now part of Hollywood Blvd., a place that has always been its home.

Check out that last sentence!!! I hope Michael Eisner calls me to get permission to use that line. I'll give him permission, but first I will put him on hold for a while.

Billy and Maria

Who are Billy and Maria? I haven't a clue. All I know is that they think they are prepared for winter weather with this sorry selection of thrift store junk.
Perhaps Billy and Maria are star crossed lovers who are going to battle the freezing temperatures in the snow capped hills of northern Italy.
Maybe Billy was an American G.I. stationed in the Italian city of Forli. Billy met Maria as she walked with her goat to the well.
Billy fell in love with Maria as soon as he saw her olive skin and her pouting lips as she gracefully walked with a bucket of water in each hand and one balanced on her head.
Maybe their love was forbidden. Maybe she was too young for him. Maybe her parents wanted her to marry an Italian man. Maybe the goat disapproved. Maybe she was married and they had to run from her husband. Maybe it doesn't get very cold in northern Italy and so my whole story is flawed.
Nobody knows.
Their supplies are: cowboy boots, one glove, a weather radio, water, bandages, a hat with a cowboy spur on top of it (perhaps it fell off one of the boots) and a box marked supplies.
I'll bet you any amount of money that "supplies" means "coconut rum."

The Coloring Book Main Page

Friday, July 15, 2005

Coloring book: Milk is Cool

I believe the implication in the text is that this particular container of milk is named "Real Cool."
Real Cool is standing there leaning on a glass of milk talking about milk, as a cow watches in the distance. Of course, it could be that the glass of milk is our narrator.

I know the container is the more obvious choice since he has facial features, but since we are asked to believe that a container of milk can have the power of speech why not a glass?
It's way deep man.

The cow in the distance is just waiting for NINETY freaking glasses of lactose to be pumped from her.
I have a job for everyone:
Walk up to a friend, relative or co-worker today and say the following:
"Did you know one cow produces 90 glasses of milk a day? No wonder they say moo!"

Once you say the word "moo" laugh hysterically. Pretend that you told a joke. I bet they will laugh. It sure sounds like a joke.
To quote my new friend Real Cool: "that's cool too."

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Baseball Rule Changes

Baseball is a game of skill, luck, throwing things at people and the Phanatic. What's not to love?

Like all sports, baseball CAN get dull. Especially towards the end of the season, if your team has no chance at a playoff berth. It's at this point that you begin to watch a bunch of guys playing a game. It just doesn't feel as interesting.

Until now.

I have come up with a plethora of rule changes that, if implemented, would make 'lame duck' games the best games of the year.

RULE 1: Involve the fans
We have all seen the following scenario: a hitter fouls pitch after pitch into the stands. To TRY and make this seem like fun the stadium plays cartoon sound effects as the ball lands. The TV broadcasters zoom in on a kid who caught a foul ball and said "That youngster has a souvenir from the game."


What we should do is remember that if a foul ball is caught the hitter is OUT. Sure it usually only counts ON the field, but lets extend it to OFF the field too.

But all fans who wish to be eligible must wear the cap of the team they are supporting. And a cup. It's only right.

RULE 2: Emphasize the number 2 hitter

Poor number 2 hitter. Not accurate enough to bat first, not powerful enough for fourth. Still, I have an idea to make him the most popular hitter in the lineup.

He can do everything backwards.

Yup, he can wear his uniform backwards and run the bases backwards. Not just backwards, but in backwards ORDER!

He can run from third to second to first. The best thing about this is if you sit near someone who doesn't follow sports you can tell them "Don't laugh at that guy, he's retarded. They just let him run the bases because they feel sorry for him."

RULE 3: No more drunk fans
There is nothing worse than going to a baseball game and having to sit next to a drunken moron. Oh wait, I guess there are some things worse like getting killed by a line drive to the back of the head. Well, never mind then.

RULE 4: Mascots
People love the crazy antics of the team mascot so why not let the mascot be the "designated hitter" in all American League games. In the National League games the mascot must pitch as well.

As for teams that don't have a mascot, they can use one of their drunken fans... or the guy that was killed by a line drive. He can be the "Dead Dude of the Diamond."

All the kids would love him, except for his own kids. They would just be sad.

RULE 5: Cheerleaders

With any luck these suggestions will be implemented before the end of the season.

Monday, July 11, 2005

Exact Change

First off, I find it odd that the bus company would use actor John Voight as the model for their coloring book.

Lil Voight has 6 quarters. He is thinking "6 quarters." Oddly the quarters in his head are lined up in a different order than those in his hand.

Speaking of his hands take a good look at them. Notice anything interesting? Aside from the obvious razor sharp pinky finger there is another interesting thing to observe: their placement on his arms.

His right hand dangles just below his waist. His left is a different story. If he dropped the quarters it could easily reach his knee. Take a look at his left ELBOW! It lines up perfectly with his right wrist.

Poor, deformed, Lil John Voight. No wonder Angelina Jolie wants nothing to do with him.


Ladies and gentlemen, it's Telly Monster. Telly is basically Sesame Street's version of a film extra. He is not one of the main stars like Big Bird, Elmo or even Grover. He's just fits into the background. Poor Telly.
This page says "X-ray" at the top. The illustration seems to say a lot more.
The obvious possibility is that this shows an x-ray of Telly's chest revealing that he has a heart, but no ribcage to protect it.
Still, the look on his face tells a different story.
Perhaps it isn't an x-ray at all; rather it's a giant "X" painted across Telly's heart to show either:

A: Telly has no heart
B: Nobody loves Telly, or
C: Telly is not the answer provided by the hundred people surveyed for the "Family Feud"

A, B, and C are ALL better than the possibility that it is a REAL chest x-ray, because without a ribcage you could toss a beach ball at Telly and his chest would explode.

Friday, July 08, 2005

Today's Special

Canada has given so much to us and we rarely say thank you. I would like to make the following statement of gratitude:

Thank you, Canada.

Thank you for your Canadian bacon which, let's face it, is superior to our bacon.

Thank you for the Blue Jays, a team we can always point at and say "see THAT'S why it's called the WORLD Series." Then of course we snicker at the fact that they are in the AMERICAN League (stick that in your pipe and smoke it. Come on, Canada. Take out your pipe and start smoking.)

Anyway, there was another great Canadian import in 1981.

"Today's Special".

You may have never heard of it. If you had, you may have forgotten about it. I know I sure have, but recently I unearthed about 2 minutes of an episode that remained on an old VHS tape that I had taped "Gilligan's Island" on.

The show was produced for a Canadian channel but ended up in the U.S. as part of Nickelodeon’s early line up.

The show told the story of a department store after closing. The show featured a cast of bizarre characters that seemed like the result of some children's TV writer having to put together a show at gunpoint... in the middle of the night... after downing a bottle of Nyquil... lying naked in a snow bank... wearing a watch commemorating the VHS release of the Burt Reynolds' flick Cop and a Half... this is fun... I just write any silly I can think of... wearing shoes but no socks... and having his nails polished by Imelda Marcos... see, it doesn't need to make sense... or be funny.

Here are the show's characters:

Jodie: I know I promised you bizarre characters, but she isn't one. She's the "straight man". By "straight man" I mean the person who the audience is supposed to identify with as comic things happen. I didn't mean that the guy on the show was gay (although I have my suspicions.)

Jeff: He was the guy on the show (yeah, THAT guy.) Anyway, he was a mannequin during the day, but at night they would put a magic hat on him (and said Hocus Pocus Alimagocus) he would come to life and dance. When he took the hat off he would turn back into a mannequin. Jeff was stupid and so he would often tip his hat to people and freeze. You know, thinking about it, I have never tipped a hat! I shall find one and tip it 15%... unless it doesn't refill my soda. I HATE when they ignore my soda!

Parts of the show were filmed in a real department store called The Robert Simpson Company. The store is still standing under the name The Bay. I don't know much about Canadian department stores, but I find it odd that they would keep a mannequin that was always dressed in the same awful plaid outfit. ALWAYS.

Sam: I love this guy! He was an elderly puppet who worked in the store as a security guard. You can NEVER have too many puppets on a show.

Muffy: This was a puppet mouse that spoke in rhyme... ALWAYS. I take back my comment about never having enough puppets. (I would also like to take back my comment about Canadian Bacon. I think I prefer the regular stuff. I just don't EAT the Canadian stuff that often so it seems like a treat.)

TXL: This was a computer that ran the store and talked.

There was also a Mime, a magician and an old lady puppet that worked in the store. I don't want to discuss them, however. Sue me.

The show ran from 1981 to 1987. Originally shown without commercials, segments were edited out for broadcasts on Nickelodeon. The show is not currently available on DVD. Cop and a Half was released in 1993 and directed by Henry "The Fonz" Winkler.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Dear Sweetie: The Chain Letter

Below you will find a silly email. The kind where you answer a bunch of random questions and then scroll down for some answers. I thought it would be one of those where there was some trick like it would say "You are thinking of a green hammer" or something. Instead it was just stupid.

1) Write the name of a person of the opposite sex.
2) Which is your favorite color out of red, black, blue, green, yellow?
3) Your first initial?
4) Your month of birth?
5) Which color do you like more, black or white
6) Name of a person of the same sex as yours.
7) Your favorite number?
8) Do you like California or Florida more?
9) Do you like the lake or the ocean more?
10) Write down a wish. (A realistic one).


1. You are completely in love with this person.
2. If you choose:
Red - You are alert and your life is full of love.
Black - You are conservative and aggressive.
Green- Your soul is relaxed and you are laid back.
Blue - You are spontaneous and love kisses and affection from the ones you love.
Yellow- you are a very happy person and give good advice to those who are down.
3. If your initial is:A-K You have a lot of love and friendships in your life.
L-R You try to enjoy your life to the maximum and your love life is soon to blossom.
S-Z You like to help others and your future love life looks very good.
4. If you were born in:Jan-Mar: The year will go very well for you and you will discover that you fall in love with someone totally unexpected.
April-June: You will have a strong love relationship that will not last long but the memories will last forever.
July-Sept: You will have a great year and will experience a major life changing experience for the good.
Oct-Dec: Your love life will not be too great,but eventually you will find your soul mate.
5. If you chose...Black: Your life will take on a different direction, it will seem hard at the time but will be the best thing for you, and you will be glad for the change.
White: You will have a friend who completely confides in you and would do anything for you,but you may not realize it.
6. This person is your best friend.
7. This is how many close friends you have in your lifetime.
8. If you chose:California: You like adventure.
Florida: You are a laid back person.
9. If you chose:
Lake: You are loyal to your friends and to your love. And you are very reserved.
Ocean: You are spontaneous and like to please people.
10. This wish will come true only if you EMAIL THIS in one hour and it will come true before your next birthday!!

Here is what I learned:

1. I am "completely in love" with the cleaning lady who was emptying the trash as I read the email.
2. I am "spontaneous and love kisses and affection."
I hope she puts down the trash before hugging me, however.
3. "I will have a lot of love and friendships in my life." I hope me and the cleaning lady can have an 'open' relationship.
4. My love life "will not be too great, but eventually I will find my soul mate." I hope so!
I will start hanging around the dumpster.
5. My "life will take on a different direction, it will seem hard at the time" I assume so. Especially communicating with my true love. Unless I learn Spanish. But I am really lazy.
6. My best friend is George Bush. We hang out whenever he is not busy presidenting. Maybe He, Laura, the cleaning lady and I can go to Camp David together.
7. I will have 3 friends including George Bush. Yay!
8. I "like adventure." I assumed I just hated hurricanes and humidity, but whatever.
9. I am "loyal to my friends and to my love." Mr. President, you have my complete support. So does the cleaning lady.
10. Before my birthday I shall take flying lessons and buy my own plane. I want George Bush and the cleaning lady to wave to me from the runway.

Of course this wont happen if you don't hurry and email this in one hour! Hurry! You can email it to, he's my best friend so I know he won't mind.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

The Harlem Globetrotters on Gilligan's Island

The year was 1981. Gilligan's Island had been off the air for almost 20 years. In the time since the series two movies had been made. Now it was time for the greatest event in the history of television. The Harlem Globetrotters were going to arrive on Gilligan's Island to battle a team of basketball playing robots.

But, I'm getting ahead of myself.

After JUST three years and 98 episodes, Gilligan's Island was cancelled. Several years later the show still remained popular in reruns so it was decided to finally rescue them.

A TV movie called Rescue from Gilligan's Island was aired in 1978. In THAT film a typhoon engulfed the island sweeping the castaway's huts out to sea. There they were rescued by the Coast Guard. That film ended with the castaways taking ANOTHER three hour tour and getting RE-stranded.

A year later the cast was reassembled for a film called Castaways on Gilligan's Island. In that film the castaways find a plane on the island and use it to get rescued. This time the Howells build a resort on the island. Tom Bosley shows up and they help him overcome workaholism. I am not sure that makes any sense but I will move on anyway.

Then in 1981 THIS film was made.

Tina Louise played Ginger in the TV series, but she was the only castaway not to return for the movies. In the first two movies Judith Baldwin did the honors. She was 12 years younger than Tina. For this film Constance Forslund played Ginger Grant Constance was 4 years younger than Judith, and if Sesame Street taught me correctly, that made her 16 YEARS younger than Tina.

I hope them make a new one soon. Bob Denver can still play Gilligan and Dakota Fanning can play Ginger.

The Harlem Globetrotters on Gilligan's Island opens with a new version of the theme song setting up the whole "resort destination" angle. This (and the previous film) had hoped to set up some kind of new series. Sorta like "Fantasy Island" with a dose of Gilligan.

The Globetrotters plane crashes and they end up ashore on Gilligan's Island. Meanwhile Martin Landau is hatching an evil scheme that involves buying the island, mining it for some rare energy source and ruling the world.

So Landau comes ashore and starts to trick each castaway to sign away their shares of the island. Soon the only way the world can be saved is by having the Harlem Globetrotters play a game of basketball against Landau's robots.

I know it sounds like I skipped something, but that is really how the story goes!

The first half of the game is ruled by the robots. At halftime they are up by 90+ points. Then Professor comes up with a plan. If the Globetrotters use their trick shots it will confuse the robots.

And it does.

The film concludes with Gilligan being pulled into the game and scoring the winning basket by being thrown through the hoop. Landau doesn't care because his men stole the energy source and he will soon rule the world.

But his ship blows up. Not one tear is shed for the sailors aboard.

Jim Backus (Thurston Howell III) was ill for much of the filming so a new actor joined the cast to play his son. Backus does make a cameo appearance at the end of the film.

Originally the film was supposed to star the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders, but after they dropped out the script was rewritten for the Globetrotters.

I wish that instead of The Harlem Globetrotters on Gilligan's Island they had done Gilligan in Harlem. That would have been funnier.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

John Travolta-June 2, 1980

Travolta got his star around the time of the release of the film Urban Cowboy. John's square is located near John Wayne's and, in case you are wondering, he has MUCH bigger feet than John Wayne. John laughed at this when he was setting his feet in the cement. Wayne, in turn, laughed for the next ten years as John struggled before making a bunch of talking baby films.
Travolta signed his square and wrote "Ted, it's great to be here, Thanks!"
The Ted he is referring to was owner of the theater Ted Mann.


Yeah, Spiny is one of Spiny's friends, and he likes succulents (cacti). Spiny informs us that succulents "hold water like camels."
They also swear like longshoremen.
I like how Spiny wears shades to look cool and make up for the fact that his turned in feet and knobby knees are not cool at all.
In a page about plant care, one must question Spiny's methods. He holds the plant and turns the hose on himself.
The page advises us to "Collect Them All" I hope the next one features Spiny fertilizing a plant by holding it and throwing manure on his head.

Mo's Convenience

bunchojunk Dining Guide Presents:
Mo's Convenience
Traveling to the Catskills, I searched for fine dining. After passing the usual variety of McDonalds and Taco Bells I came across a dining oasis: Mo's Convenience.
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The exterior of Mo's was a delight; a blend of old world charm and modern luxury. A sign out front proudly proclaimed "Aceptamos Cupones Dealimentos".
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Sadly I did not bring any cupones for them to aceptamos on my dealimentos.

After parking in Mo's ample parking lot I stopped to drink in the local flavor.


Two or three people stopped to ask me what I was looking at one man offered to sell me either an air conditioner or some barbecued goat.

I entered the door to Mo's and was instantly transported to another time and another place. A place where kings could rub elbows with the common man (and then thoroughly wash said elbows.) Could the cuisine live up to this ambience?

I began my 'journey for the taste buds' by checking out the beverage selection. There was no shortage of exotic potions to indulge the senses. A quick glance revealed old standby's like Coca-Cola standing alongside more adventurous concoctions such as Iberia Mango, Golden Kola and "some kind of orange colored liquid with a label too faded to read."
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I went with the Golden Kola. The taste was light and nectarous.

Onward I decided on an appetizer. Ultimate Apricots.
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Prepared by Chef Mariani, this taste sensation has won rave reviews and (according to the packaging) won the 2001 Gold Award for Taste from the American Tasting Institute. (it should be noted that these may have won subsequent awards, but this package carried a "sell by" date of March 2002.)

Finally, it was time for the piece de resistance.
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A wide selection revealed everything from jelly in a jar (featuring the stars of PBS's Dragon's Tales) to 'some kind of onion product from Lipton.'

I settled on the jelly which was just divine.

To put a cap on this whirlwind dining excursion I looked for dessert. The confectionery I embraced was Mo's celebrated Jumbo Honey Bun.
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When they say "Jumbo" they MEAN it. This was a prodigious full of honey goodness. I could almost taste the care that bees put into collecting the nectar from their foragers (during tropholaxis, of course.)

Before I left, I checked out Mo's ample selection of curios, and I couldn't resist bringing one home.
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I know that my 'Kuku Chicken Dang Ding' will entertain my guests for years to come. What a fine way to show hospitality by showing them this memento and telling them of a fine place to gormandize, Mo's Convenience.
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I give Mo's Convenience 4 1/2 out of 5 stars.

Hot foods hot

Remember the McDLT? It was a hamburger that came in a special container to "keep the hot side hot and the cold side cold." It was a nationwide phenomenon. As you ate it coldness and hotness would invade your mouth like a bad case of gingivitis. Sadly, the simultaneous hotness and coldness of the burger led to the death of a few people and the burger was discontinued.

Still, this wonderful coloring book page brings the magic back for us all.

Moe from the Three Stooges has just arrived in the cafeteria and is carrying a lunchbox that looks more like a bucket or a TV set (two items that oddly look nothing alike.) Already at the table is a child who has the standard school lunch:
#1 A box of apples
#2 A large wooden spoon
#3 A bowl of something
#4 A sandwich
#5 A giant moonshine jug
#6 A CD of the Ice Cube/Ice T duet "ICE"

I hope he's keep it hot... and cold.

The Coloring Book Main Page