Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Burger King's Xbox Games

Here is an odd bit of marketing. For $3.99 at Burger King you can get one of three different Xbox games. I bought all three... and I don't even have an Xbox.

Yeah, as I sit here holding these three plastic discs in my hand I think " I wish I hadn't chosen the PS2!" I also think "geez, if I set these three plastic discs down it will be much easier to type."

I'm quite a thinker.

Anyway, here is all the info I have on the three games:

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PocketBike Racer: This is a game based on those stupid little motorcycles called pocketbikes that seem to be a big fad lately. I don't get this fad. What's next? Clown cars? It's just stupid.

Anyway, apparently this game has customizable bikes, and you can choose one of five tracks to race on. A Burger King restaurant parking lot, a construction site, a backyard, the King's garden or the Fantasy Ranch set.

I would probably just play in the parking lot and after about 30 seconds of making my character look silly riding a clown bike I would have him go into the restaurant and order a Big Mac. Then he'd look even stupider when they told him that they don't see Big Macs at Burger King. Embarrassed, my character would slink away with a Whopper. Then as he took a bite a pickle would slide out of the burger and onto his white shirt. Then a group of teenage girls would laugh at him.

Minutes later he would arrive home and hang himself in the closet.

Oh damn you PS2!!! Damn you for making me miss the fun of PocketBike Racer!

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Big Bumpin': Oh man, I was excited when I heard that Brooke Burke was in this game! Brooke Burke in a game called Big Bumpin'!

Then I found out it was a bumper cars game.

Oh well, at least you get the chance to steer Brooke, the King or the Subservient Chicken.

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Sneak King: This might be the coolest of the bunch. Oh how I rue the day I chose a Play Station 2!

In this one you play as the King, sneaking around delivering fast food to hungry people. I am not totally sure why you would be sneaking around, but man does that fun!

Maybe you have to sneak around so you can get away from the hungry person AFTER they eat the junk food BEFORE they get severe stomach cramps.

A three really sound like a hoot. They sound like a HOOT, I say!

By that I mean they sound fun, not that they sound like that movie Hoot where a group of kids try and stop a pancake house from being built on an owl preserve.

THAT was no fun. Plus, who likes OWLS more than PANCAKES? No one, that's who.

So in summary, I want an Xbox for Christmas... and pancakes.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Wag The Dog

Way back in 1997 Wag the Dog showed up in theaters across the country. The film was a modest hit making forty some million bucks at the box office.

I went to see it. I couldn't turn down the chance to see a Dustin Hoffman and Robert De Niro flick. As a bonus, (one of my all time favorite actors) Woody Harrelson appears in a killer cameo.

Still, the experience was marred by some doofus in the front row. He had the stupid laugh- kinda like when Goofy laughs in a Disney cartoon.

Hoo hoo hoo.

If that wasn't enough, he punctuated each loud laugh with the words "oh no!"

And he laughed at everything.

And then said "oh no!"

I wanted to punch him.

He even laughed when Willie Nelson's name appeared in the credits.

Then he said "oh no!"

Jeez. How do you tell a guy to stop laughing during a comedy? Could I just tap him on the shoulder and say "could you stop saying 'oh no'?"

The movie itself became the subject of a whole lot of news about a month after it's release.

Hoo hoo hoo, oh no!

In the film the President creates a fake war with Albania after a sex scandal breaks out involving.

In real life, Bill Clinton's sex scandal was followed up by three military campaigns:

Operation Desert Fox: A three day bombing campaign against Iraq.

Operation Infinite Reach: Missile strikes in Sudan and Afghanistan.

Operation Allied Force: A month long bombing spree in Serbia.

Is it just me, or do all of our military campaigns sound like Chuck Norris films?

Anyway, even though Bill Clinton was actually using real bombs to kill real bad guys, some found similarities to the FAKE war in the film.

Not only that, but take a look at the photo of the accuser in the film with the movie "president."

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It looks very similar to the famous photo of Clinton with "that woman."

Also, the movie was directed by Barry Levinson. There are 8 letters in "Levinson" and 7 letters in "Clinton." A difference of 1...


Whoooo, scary.

Al Jazeera liked the similarities and ran a bootleg copy of the film on TV to mock Clinton.

If I was Clinton I would have mocked Al Jazeera for having a network with a name that sounded like R & B singer Al Jarreau.

So stupid, what's next? Do they have a sister station named Clarence "Frogman" Henry?

Hoo hoo hoo, oh no!

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Buying shoes on eBay

eBay is fantastic. You can buy any thing you want and have some stranger ship it to you. Then it arrives, usually reeking of cigarettes and old people.

Of course after hanging on the clothesline outside for a week you take it inside and it is good as new.

But should you buy your shoes on ebay?

I decided to investigate.

Here is what I found:

2226 NACHO LIBRE Movie Props -Pair of Women Black Shoes
Wow! For under a dollar you can get your hands on a pair of sexy shoes that shared oxygen with Jack Black for a brief time!

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How cool is that!?!?! Shoes with the same amount of film credits as Colleen Haskell (co-star of the hit Rob Schneider film The Animal.)

MG Midget Brake Shoes 1963-1979
I know, I know, these aren't regular shoes. These are for a car. Still, MIDGET SHOES makes me laugh. Laugh and laugh.

Golden ELF, DWARF SHOES Accessory for Adults A52083
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Now we are talkin'! You and you car's brakes can have matching shoes!
That is fun.

FAR SIDE Morning Help MUG First Pants Then Your Shoes
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I'm not sure I "get" this one.
Let's take a look at the description:
You are bidding on a 1983 FAR SIDE mug. For some morning help to get moving. The wall poster tells this man, to first put on this pants, then his shoes.

Now I get it. They are making fun of retarded people.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

I Want a New Duck

I love Halloween. It may just be my favorite holiday of the year (that is assuming 'the day my neighbor's wife finds his Girls Gone Wild tapes and makes him throw them out and I take them out of his trash can' is not a real holiday.)

In the past I have had some pretty good costumes.

Last year I was a piece of beef jerky.
Click here to see it.
I know you want to.

So, the pressure was on to try and top it. I tried to think of something original that I could create for a reasonable price.

I looked into the cost of different fabrics, took a look at some existing patterns...

...and then I just gave up and bought something at the Halloween store.

Take a look:

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That's me in my Donald Duck costume. You know you love it.

It was a huge and rather well made costume. The butt of the costume was most impressive. It was soooo big that I could not fit in the front seat of the car without reclining the seat ALL THE WAY.

My duck butt also knocked over knick knacks and portraits everywhere I went.

Plus, I was wearing tights:
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That's me and my cat. I can't really determine what she thought of it.

If only a cat could communicate shame and embarrassment.