Friday, October 29, 2004

The Monster M*A*S*H

I wanted to do a special article about the song Monster Mash.
There really wasn't much to do, the song is actually incredibly redundant, and except fot the part where Dracula whines about his "Translvania Twist," there isnt much to it.

So, insted I wrote a parody of Monster Mash about the TV show M*A*S*H and two of it's spin offs.

The spin off's included AfterMASH (where Klinger, Potter and Father Mulcahy work at a VA hospital) and W*A*L*T*E*R (where Walter 'Radar' O'Rielly becomes a police officer after the war.)

Let me apoligise in advance to Bobby "BORIS" Pickett (creator of the Monster Mash), Alan Alda, 'Weird Al' Yankovic, Jason (the kid I used to beat up in third grade) and ANYONE who decides to read the entire song parody.

The Monster M*A*S*H
I was watching M*A*S*H* late one night
When my eyes beheld an funny sight
from my funny bone, laughs began to rise
And suddenly to my surprise

It wasn't M*A*S*H*
It was AfterMASH
this AfterMASH
about a hospital staff
some guys from M*A*S*H*
were in this new cast
but it's not M*A*S*H*
It is After MASH

Colonel Potter had tried to start a new life
Retired from the Army spending time with his wife
But it got boring sitting around day after day
So he applied for a job- at the V.A.

Sorta like M*A*S*H*
but this was AfterMASH
The AfterMASH
Before the ratings crashed
It was like M*A*S*H
They called it AfterMASH
I prefer M*A*S*H
But, I'll watch AfterMASH

Klinger was stuck, spent time in jail
Potter came along and posted bail
offered him a job and Father Mulcahy, too
and soon enough their careers were through

Not from M*A*S*H
but from AfterMASH
because after M*A*S*H
was nothing but trash
They played the mash
It caught on in a flash
They played the mash
They played the monster mash

Around the country people started to shout
They didn't understand what AfterMASH was about
They looked at the screen and shook thier fists
And said, "Whatever happened to Alan Alda?"

He was on M*A*S*H*
but not on AfterMASH
Why not AfterMASH
He didn't need the cash
From AfterMASH
It went off the air in a flash
Not much else rhymes with M*A*S*H
So, I'll repeat AfterMASH

Soon it was over, AfterMASH was canned
but another spin off was about to land
this one too had ratings that would falter
it starred Gary Burghoff and was called W*A*L*T*E*R

Radar from M*A*S*H
This parody is redundant-mash
kind of stupid-mash
hasn't been funny for three stanzas-mash
should have stopped earlier-mash
oh God, make it stop-mash
what does this even have to do with Halloween-mash?
Hey, I warned you-mash

Thursday, October 28, 2004

The Halloween Quiz

1. The word witch comes from the Saxon word ‘wicca,’ which means _________.
a) wise one
b) night warrior
c) Theresa Heinz Kerry

2. The largest pumpkin on record weighed:
a) 150 pounds
b) 1,446 pounds
c) What the hell are you babbling about? What is this, Oprah? Who cares about this nonsense? Go back to writing articles about 80's fads, Dynamite Magazine, and NJ's gay Governor!

3. Black is associated with Halloween, because it is the color of death. Why is orange?
a) It is the color of harvest
b) It is the color of fun
c) It is the color of the Cleveland Browns! Go Dawgs!

4. It is generally believed that Halloween dates back to:
a) 700 B.C
b) 1921
c) Hey! Why is their color orange? Should it be brown? Plus, what kind of nickname is Dawgs? What moron came up with that?

5. Which of these sentences are true:
a) Vampire bats drink blood and are from Transylvania.
b) Vampire bats drink blood and are from Central and South America.
c) Vampire bats drink blood and Dick Cheney is their black hearted ruler.

6. Stingy Jack was an old Irish tale about a man unable to enter heaven. He used a turnip as a lantern, hence the name 'Jack O Lantern.'
a) candle
b) Jack Frost
c) Wait a minute, that isn't even a question! Also, you never answered me about the Cleveland Browns!

7. In episode 48 of Cheers, "Fairy Tales Can Come True", who fell in love at a Halloween party?
a) Cliff
b) Norm
c) Both Cliff and Norm... with each other.

8. Vampires have "Eisoptrophobia." What is that?
a) The fear of mirrors, or seeing oneself in a mirror
b) Fear of daytime
c) Fear of the word "Eisoptro"

9. The first wrapped penny candy in the US was:
a) Tootsie Rolls
b) Bazooka Gum
c) a New York streetwalker named Penny Candy (in 1892 she wrapped herself in old newspaper)

10. Americans spend 2 billion dollars a year on Halloween candy. That is enough money to buy:
a) A laptop computer for every public school child in America
b) 2 billion bottles of expired aspirin at the dollar store
c) Michael Jackson's freedom for the next 30 years

ANSWERS: 1.a, 2.b, 3.a, 3c. False, the Browns suck, 4.a, 5.b, 6. Maybe I should invite Dick Cheney over for the next Browns game, 7. Me and Theresa Hienz Kerry, 8.a, 9.a, 10. All of the above!

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

A Psycho Press Release

Our team has uncovered the following press release not yet available to the public.

(PRWEB) October 37, 2004 -- “I Wanna Be A Psycho”—a reality show involving 5 American and 5 Canadian would be Norman Bates, focuses on creating 10 successful knife wielding lunatics - then letting an off duty police officer shoot them. Through teamwork, technology, acting, and dead old ladies, these 10 individuals will live together in a small hotel off the highway. After the first season, these 10 contestants form the advisory committee and assist the next group of 10 future Psychos to reinforce a powerful prime time show. Oh wait, we said we were going to shoot them. Uh... maybe he will just shoot them in the leg.

“I Wanna Be A Psycho” looks at the systemic problems with being insane. Many of the traditional psychotic opportunities no longer exist. People used to be allowed to hang around that creepy uncle who asked you if you 'ever let your Barbies have a tea party naked.' Today, such behavior is frowned upon, but NBC is about to change that.

Based on the movie of the same name “I Wanna Be A Psycho” will put people into the shoes of Norman Bates and Marion Crane, but not the Norman Bates and Marion Crane played by Janet Leigh and Anthony Perkins.
Insted they will be playing the Norman Bates and Marion Crane played by Vince Vaughn and Anne Heche in the 1998 remake. When we asked the producer how that would make any difference to the show he said "Hey, I'm not a producer, I am just a guy waiting for a bus."
Once the bus arrived, the driver asked "When did this stop being a press release and start being an investigative report?" After that we just cried and cried.

So, that's the press release. I don't know about you but I have a headache!

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Rockin From the Grave

A few years back I stumbled into a bizarre alternate universe: Ollie's Bargain Outlet store.
Like all outlet stores, it features a bizarre mix of closeout items side by side with dollar store merchandise.

Still, Ollie's was different.

Maybe it was the clientele, and their lack of sleeves. Seriously, I like a good tank top as much as the next guy, but EVERYONE in the store was wearing one. Did they all look in the mirror that morning and say "Yes! I am going to share these armpits with the whole world!"??????

Or, perhaps it was the stack of novelty cereals based on movies that were over a year old, or the absurd display of Jenny McCarthy's biography on audio cassette.

Whatever the reason, Ollie’s seemed really odd to me. So, after grabbing a beverage I headed to the checkout line. Right by the checkout line was a large bin of strange closeout cassettes. The one that caught my eye was ROCKIN FROM THE GRAVE.
Released by K-Tel, Rockin is an attempt at a spooky Halloween party tape. You can listen to clips from the album on Amazon by clicking here. The CD has some extra music.

The tape starts off well with Theme From 'The Munsters' performed by Milton Delugg & The All Stars. This is not the version of the song that opened the TV show; instead it is a groovy rock and roll version of it.

Track 2 is Addams Groove by M.C. Hammer. This has got to be the stupidest song ever written. Here are some lyrics:
They do what they wanna do, say what they wanna say
Live how they wanna live, play how they wanna play
Dance how they wanna dance, kick and they slap a friend

What? KICK AND THEY SLAP A FRIEND? Hooo boy. Anyone wonder why Hammer doesn't rock the charts any more? Not only is this a bad lyric, it makes little sense. I have never seen any of the Addams kick or slap their friends.

Oddly, this isn't the dumbest rap song on the tape, but that comes later. Next is (Don't Fear) The Reaper by Blue Oyster Cult. Awesome song, too bad it's sandwiched between two stupid movie themed rap songs.

Track 4 is Nightmare on My Street by D.J. Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince. Fresh Prince raps about watching Nightmare On Elm Street (he never mentions it by name, they didn't get clearance.) At the end of the song, a pathetic Freddy Krueger impersonator chimes in.
He sounds more like Henry Kissinger, but he rattles off every Freddy catch prase they could think of. It was as if he was reading transcripts of Nightmare movie trailers. I almost expected him to say "rated R, starts Friday at the Cineplex Odeon." The song ends with Freddy killing DJ Jazzy Jeff, so I guess there was SOME good in it.

Next we get some pretty cool songs, neither of which really fit the Halloween theme: Black Magic Woman/Gypsy Queen by Santana and The Devil Went Down To Georgia by The Charlie Daniels Band.

The Devil Went Down To Georgia tells the story of Satan having a hoedown against a redneck.
You may think Satan would have used temptation to capture his soul, but instead he makes a bad bar bet.
Satan shows up and challenges Johnny to a duel. You would think that just by gazing upon Satan your eyes would melt and your blood would boil you alive, but not Johnny. Johnny puts his soul on the line against a fiddle 'made of gold.'
This is actually a pretty stupid prize. Sure, you melt down the Satanic fiddle and make a gold chain as big as Mr. T's, but why make a FIDDLE out of gold? Fiddles are generally made from wood, and crafted specifically so they music can flow from them. Gold would be a pretty lousy way to make a string instrument. It's no wonder the devil lost.

The chorus of this song goes like this:
He played Fire on the Mountain
Run boys, run
The devil's in the House of the Rising Sun
Chicken in a bread pan picken' out dough
Granny does your dog bite
No child, no

No the dog doesn't bite, but it will slap a friend.

What is this lyric about? Why is the devil in the House of the Rising Sun? I thought he was on a hickory stump in Georgia!

The cassette rolls on. Next is Freaks Come Out At Night by Whodini. This sounds like a brilliant Shakespearian sonnet after the nonsense that Hammer and Fresh Prince contributed earlier.

The Guess Who performs Clap For The Wolfman all about Wolfman Jack. He shows up and talks throughout the song. Man, I miss Wolfman Jack!

Rockin From The Grave
closes with Twilight Zone by Golden Earring (Ghost) Riders In The Sky by The Outlaws and then Sam The Sham & The Pharaohs doing Lil' Red Riding Hood.

Overall, the tape is great, but don't really seem like a Halloween tape. Maybe you should just play them when you have some buddies over. Then you can slap a friend and think of Wolfman Jack.

Friday, October 22, 2004

Johnny Grant: Ceremonial Mayor of Hollywood

Johnny Grant is the Ceremonial Mayor of Hollywood and Chairman of the Walk of Fame Selection Committee. Anytime you see a celebrity get their star on the Walk of Fame you can bet that Johnny will be there. Johnny is also on hand when the biggest stars get to put their hands in cement outside Grauman's Chinese Theater.

In 1988 The Academy of Television Arts & Sciences awarded Johnny their highest honor the Los Angeles Area Governor's Award. The Governor's Award is the most important award at the Emmys. Winning it is like finding that hunk of pork fat in a can of pork & beans. Sure, the beans are great, but that pork fat (like the Governor's Award) is special.

The Governor's Award was Johnny's second Emmy. He has also received ten nominations and countless pieces of pork fat.

Grant debuted on radio in 1939. He broadcasted for a station in Goldsboro, North Carolina. He rose to fame covering Irby Holmes' murder trial. (As a side note, WHO names their kid 'Irby?’?) Grant broadcasted inside the court room, marking the first time microphones were allowed to cover a trial. So, in a way, Johnny is responsible for Kato Kaelin. (As a side note, WHO names their kid 'Kato?’?)

In 1980 Johnny was awarded his own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. His star occupies the prime real estate in front of the Chinese Theatre, between Zsa Zsa Gabor and Glenn Miller. Johnny's star dedication drew one of the largest crowds ever and included a special fly-over by aircraft of the Civil Air Patrol. (As a side note, WHO names their kid 'Zsa Zsa?’?)

Five minutes after the ceremony, a homeless guy fell asleep on Johnny's star. (As a side note, I wish I knew the homeless guy's name show I could make fun of it.)

Thursday, October 21, 2004

The opening credits from 'Three's Company'

Three's Company was probably the greatest Joyce DeWitt sitcom ever aired in the 1970's or 1980's.
The show ran for eight years, and then a few more in a hideous mutated form entitled Three's a Crowd.

Over the eight season's Three's Company used a variety of different opening credit sequences.

The show used several shots of the beach in Santa Monica, California. Santa Monica is part of L.A. County and is located next to Beverly Hills about 15 minutes from Hollywood.
In the credit sequence, Jack was riding his bike and falls off of it when he passes a sexy brunette.
BTW, the brunette was actually Susanne Summers in a wig.
There were also shots of Janet watering plants, absentmindedly dumping water on Chrissy.
Then you see the Ropers. They had several different variations on their intro:
1. Mrs. Roper is throwing darts and hits Stanley with a rubber dart.
2. Stanley goes into the bathroom with a plunger.
3. Stanley is looking out the window with his binoculars, and gets caught by Mrs. Roper.
4. Stanley is reading in bed, until Mrs. Roper arrives. Then he pretends to be asleep.

There were four other variations that were not filmed:
1. Mrs. Roper is throwing darts and hits Stanley. He bleeds profusely.
2. Stanley goes into the bathroom with George Michael.
3. Stanley is looking out the window. Mrs. Roper hits him with a dart dipped in lethal poison.
4. Mrs. Roper tries to hide the body, but gets caught by George Michael.

This season begins with them walking on the Santa Monica Pier (The famous Santa Monica Yacht Harbor.) They are shown walking on the boardwalk, sailing and riding on the carousel. In one sequence Jack is shown riding in a bumper car. he gets distracted by a pretty girl and then crashes.
The pier is very much the same today as it was then, even the Holiday Inn that is seen at the beginning of the pier is still in operation.
The bumper cars are gone, since a new amusement park has opened with new bumper cars.
However, legend has it that an old lady lurks around them telling people she was once attractive enough to cause Jack to crash his bumper car. She also claims to be from outer space. I believe her.

These opened at the LA Zoo. There were many different shots in these sequences. The gang rode on the zoo tram, saw lions and fed goats.
One memorable shot featured Terri standing by the flamingos. She then puts her leg up and pretends to be one.
I tried this, and was attacked by an extra friendly male flamingo.
He never calls me anymore. I miss you Milkdud.
Another shot featured Jack seeing a pretty girl and -you guessed it- falling over a fence.


The Zoo looks a little different now. Last time I was there they were remodeling the entrance. The trams still run, but have been redesigned. Legend has it that an old lady lurks around them telling people she was once attractive enough to cause Jack to... oh wait did I do this joke already? Did I mention she claimed to be George Michael? If you are reading this, Milkdud, call me!

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

The Dudley Do-Right Emporium

Recently a Hollywood institution closed down.
The Dudley Do-Right Emporium was located at 8200 Sunset Blvd. just a short drive from the Walk of Fame. The store stood next to the production offices of Jay Ward productions, the makers of Dudley Do-Right, Rocky and Bullwinkle George of the Jungle and the Cap'n Crunch commercials.

The studio had ceased production on animation years ago, but had new life breathed into it in the 1990's with the success of the live action George of the Jungle film. A live action revival of Dudley Do-Right and of Rocky and Bullwinkle followed, but neither matched George of the Jungle's success.

The Dudley Do-Right Emporium was a bizarre little shop where you could find ANYTHING you could imagine featuring the beloved Jay Ward characters. If you wanted a T-Shirt with Bullwinkle on it, they had it. If you wanted a stuffed Bullwinkle with a T-Shirt with Rocky on it, they had it. If you wanted a stuffed giraffe wearing a Rocky and Bullwinkle T-Shirt with a button that you pushed to make it play the theme from Mr. Belvedere, they probably had it. And, it probably danced to the music.

The store closed recently when the Jay Ward offices relocated. It probably will not reopen. The reason is simple: with the internet character merchandise is much easier to come by. The store kept unusual hours, opening only from Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays, from 11 AM - 4:30 PM. Oddly enough, those are the exact same hours that the McDonalds down the street served the FRESH meat. Any other time, squeeze your burger first, it may play Mr. Belvedere.

A few doors down, the statue of Rocky and Bullwinkle that once stood in front of the studio still stands, only now the building is (fittingly) a high class pet salon.

The statue originally was a satire of a billboard that stood across the street. The Rocky and Bullwinkle Statue has long outlasted the subject of its parody. Kind of like comic genius Rob Schneider.

At the base of the statue are the signatures and elbow prints of some of the famous animators and voice artists that worked at the studio. Today you can find those same prints at on the bar at Slappy's Pub on Gower Street. If you see them, buy them a round and tell ‘em you liked those Cap’n Crunch commercials.

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

The theaters on Hollywood Blvd.

Hollywood Blvd. is full of movie theaters. Almost every block of the famed Walk of Fame, which stretches from La Brea to Gower, features another movie house. Some are ordinary, both Mann and AMC have multiplexes here, but others are one of a kind. Those 'one of a kind' theaters are the ones we feature today:

Grauman's Chinese Theatre
6925 Hollywood Blvd, Hollywood, CA
Easily the most famous movie theater in the world, this ornate structure is one of the most famous BUILDINGS in the world. In the front courtyard the handprints and footprints of many Hollywood notables are left in the cement, along with the chewing gum of some sloppy moron whose momma never taught him any manners. the interior is just as ornate as the exteriors and the screen is HUGE.

El Capitan
6838 Hollywood Blvd, Hollywood, CA
The El Capitan is owned by Disney and home to the Jimmy Kimmel show. There is also a gorgeous movie house, usually showcasing the latest Disney film. Sometimes when there is no movie showing, employees will just point to Kimmel and say "Kids, look! It's Dopey of the Seven Dwarves!"
Then everyone laughs. Except for that one time when one of the employees accidentally called Kimmel "Sleepy." No one ever saw that employee alive again.

Egyptian Theatre
6712 Hollywood Blvd, Hollywood, CA
This was the first theater built by Sid Grauman, who later built Grauman's Chinese Theater. The theater is featured in the movie Jimmy Hollywood. In that film, the interior was shown to be decayed and falling apart. The theater was scheduled for demolition not long after production ended.
Instead of being destroyed, however, the theater was purchased by a group of investors including Steven Spielberg.
The renovation went well, but would have taken less time if Spielberg hadn't been constantly stopping construction saying "Hey! This isn't how they did it in the movie The Money Pit!"
The theater runs mostly art house films today. The interior now features a state-of-the-art modern style.


Arclight Hollywood
6360 W Sunset Blvd, Hollywood, CA
I know, it is not on HOLLYWOOD BLVD., but it is a block away and AWESOME. This is the famed Cinerama-dome is a large geodesic dome that used to house a single huge screen. Today it houses a few smaller screens and prides itself as an upscale cinema. Hit films play, as do independent and art films. I just hope that guy keeps his chewing gum AWAY from the dome!

Monday, October 18, 2004

Disneyland's opening day

Disneyland opened on July 17, 1955. It was a very hot day, but otherwise pleasant.

The day was set as a 'press preview.' Only a select group of reporters, celebrities and dignitaries were invited. Unfortunately MANY forged tickets were also being distributed causing the park to be overrun with UN-invited guests.

Estimates say that over 28,000 people were at the park, far more than could be accommodated. Restaurants ran out of food, there was a gas leak that closed Fantasyland and the Mark Twain Riverboat almost sank.

Walt Disney himself did not witness any of this. Walt was busy co-hosting Dateline Disney, the live TV broadcast of the event. The program is now available on DVD.

The show had a few different hosts: Art Linkletter, Bob Cummings and Future President Ronald Reagan. Art started the event off by warning us that there may be 'problems' with the televised broadcast. He said if they tell you they are cutting to a "snapping crocodile in Adventureland" they may accidentally cut to "Irene Dunne adjusting her bustle." Sadly, Dateline Disney did not deliver it's promised 'bustle adjusting.'

As Art takes us down Main Street USA, he tells us that that we could go to the music shop to buy a "banjo or mandolin" so we could serenade the gal we were courting on the "Sunday afternoon canoe ride." Within minutes I was off to the find a banjo! Wish me luck this Sunday; I am going to Irene Dunne's house. I'll play my banjo on the canoe, then I will adjust the hell outta her bustle.

Art seems to be killing time because Walt is on his way. Walt is riding on the E.P. Ripley train and is hanging out with Mickey Mouse. Mickey had a sad looking costume. Actually ALL of the costumes on opening day were kind of lame. They looked like the homemade costume that poor kid no one liked wore in second grade. If this Mickey Mouse came to my door, he would get loose change. No candy, just loose change.

Then, it is time for the dedication ceremony Ronald Reagan is providing commentary. In his hand he holds a sheet of paper. If you look REALLY closely, you can read it. It says:
introduce dedication ceremony
check out Irene Dunne's bustle
rule the world
tell Gorbachev to 'tear down the wall'
brag to Gorbachev about seeing Irene Dunne's bustle

The dedication goes well, and then we are told to bow our heads in silent prayer for God to bless Disneyland. REALLY!
My, how things have changed. Today the only praying you hear in Disneyland is from Michael Eisner.

Soon, we go to Tommorowland, where we are told it is showing the future. The future of 1986!

Yup. That is what Tommorowland is supposed to be. 1986. 1986 also seems pretty boring, since all we do in this part of the show is learn about the anatomy of a rocket and how an atom works.
Then Walt screws up his cue on air ands pretty angry. Calm down, Walt. Don't get your bustle in a wad.

After the dedication we see Frank Sinatra and Sammy Davis Jr. driving on the Autopia miniature car attraction. I thought for sure I was dreaming. This was like when I saw that movie where Mary Tyler Moore was a nun and Elvis was an abortion doctor. Or that TV show where that kid was able to channel Rodney Dangerfield.

Things only get stranger as we get to the parade. The parade shows characters from each themed land. Bob Cummings tells us that this is the greatest 'man made parade' ever. Uh huh. As opposed to the parades that happen in nature. I guess that whole giant balloons on Thanksgiving is a natural phenomenon?

As the parade goes down the street, we see Aunt Jemima. She starts dancing like Minnie Pearl on speed. Listen carefully, you can hear the civil rights movement get pushed back 5 years.

Finally, It is time for Tommorowland's cast of characters. I turned away from the TV at this post, but being 1986 in Tommorowland, I can only imagine it included Boy George, Alf and Remington Steele.

The show ends with Walt talking to Art about the wonderful future for Disneyland. Then, they both try to put their arms around each other and end up with the most bizarre pseudo-wrestling hold ever.

I, myself, hope to put that move on Irene Dunne's bustle this Sunday.

Friday, October 15, 2004

Dennis "Oil Can" Boyd

In 1986 Oil Can Boyd was one of the top pitchers in baseball. By mid-July he had 11 wins, but was left off the All-Star team.

So, Boyd threw a highly publicized tantrum that got him suspended from the team and landed him in a hospital psychiatric ward.

You may remember Oil Can, he played in the major leagues for 9 years from 1982-1991. To put that in perspective if you had a nickel for every year he played you could call me from a payphone and tell me how stupid that analogy.
Then you could probably explain the word 'analogy' to me and tell me if that ACTUALLY was an analogy.

The nickname 'Oil Can' comes from his Mississippi hometown, where beer is called oil. Odd, isn't it.

If you ever go to Mississippi and ask me for beer-battered chicken fried in oil, I would have no idea what to give you. I would probably shout "hey look! It's Clive Barker," and point behind you. Then when you turned back around I would be gone.

I'm sneaky like that.
Oil Can was one of 14 children of Negro Leaguer Willie James Boyd. Willie James was called 'Willie James' because that is what they called 'non-fat yogurt' in HIS Mississippi hometown.

Throughout his career, Oil Can was plagued by a hot temper and persistent shoulder problems. Boyd was one of the AL's top starting pitchers in 1985. A year later he was SUPPOSED to start the first game of the World Series. The game was postponed because of rain, and another pitcher started the first game. Boyd threw a tantrum an alienated himself from many of the other Red Sox players.

Oil Can was traded to the Montreal Expos in 1991, and in 1992 he played for the Texas Rangers. Too bad he wasn't traded to Walker, Texas Ranger.

WALKER: You just shot an unarmed man.
OIL CAN: Well, he should have armed himself, after not voting me onto the All Star team.
WALKER: Hey, why are we doing dialogue from the movie The Unforgiven?
ME: Sorry, I never saw this show.
OIL CAN: Me neither, except for the episode with Rowdy Roddy Piper.
ME: Oh, yeah! I saw that one. But, I don't remember any dialogue from it.
WALKER(sobbing): I'll be in my trailer.

In 1993 Oil Can resurfaced, when he threatened to sue the Red Sox for not inviting him to spring training.
Two years later, when the 1995 season was about to open with replacement players. Boyd was planning on crossing picket lines to play for the White Sox.

Throughout his colorful career, Boyd always did things his way.

So, the next time you pop open a can of oil, toast it to Dennis Boyd. Then pour it into your car or drink it (depending on whether you are in Mississippi or not.

Thursday, October 14, 2004

Famous quotes from Abe

Here are some quotes from one of my favorite Presidents of all time, Abe Lincoln. They should both educate and entertain you. If that doesn't work, enjoy the tomfoolery that I have written after the quote.

"I do therefore invite my fellow citizens in every part of the United States, and also those who are at sea, and those who are sojourning in foreign lands, to set apart and observe the last Thursday of November next, as a day of Thanksgiving and Praise to our beneficient Father who dwelleth in Heaven." (Proclamation of Thanksgiving, October 3, 1863)

Or we could all just eat too much and watch a bunch of lunkheads throw a football around. I hope Abe isn't watching!
"If destruction be our lot, we must ourselves be its author and finisher. As a nation of freemen, we must live through all time, or die by suicide." (Lyceum Address, January 27, 1838)

Hey wasn't this in Lord Of The Rings? Didn't the old guy say that to the dwarf? Hmmmm. Maybe not. Maybe Kevin Nash said this during one of his WCW interviews.
"You can not fail if you resolutely determine that you will not." (Letter to George Latham, July 22, 1862)

I will not fail to write SOMETHING funny after the next quote!
"Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other one thing." (Letter to Isham Reavis, November 5, 1855)

Ahhhh, now there is just too much pressure. I give up.
"Public sentiment is everything. With public sentiment, nothing can fail; without it, nothing can succeed." (Lincoln-Douglas Debate at Ottawa, Illinois, August 21, 1858)

Wait one hot minute! What if I resolutely determine that I will NOT fail, and then I bear my resolution to succeed in min, but the public sentiment is not on my side what then?
This is too confusing. I am starting to WISH these were Kevin Nash quotes.

"I have stepped out upon this platform that I may see you and that you may see me, and in the arrangement I have the best of the bargain." (Opening remarks at Painesville, Ohio, February 16, 1861)

See, that is because he was kinda ugly. That is a pretty funny joke. See, there is a moral to all this: You don't have to mention Kevin Nash to make people laugh, but it helps.

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

Mr. T on The Simpsons

Mr. T, is one of the most unique stars in the history of television.
The Simpsons, is one of the most unique SHOWS in the history of television.

It seems logical that the two would converge.

It actually took until season four for the Simpson's to make mention of Mr. T, and first appearance was not a good one.
In Lisa the Beauty Queen (aired in 1992) Lisa gets a wax statue at the Springfield Wax Museum.
When Lisa asks how they made her statue so quick, they said that they just put a new Lisa head on Dr. Ruth's body.
The next shot shows Dr. Ruth's head on a pike in the Chamber of Horrors. Mr. T's is next to Dr. Ruth.

While we are on the subject, both Mr. T and the Simpson's are immortalized in wax at the Movieland Wax Museum in Niagara Falls, Canada.
Image hosted by
The very next episode of The Simpsons, Mr. T was seen again. this time he was on the cover of a TV Guide Homer was reading.

In season 5, Homer is shown on several occasions expressing his admiration for Mr. T.
As a member of the barber shop quartet, The B-Sharps, Homer wrote a song about Mr. T. It prompted the following exchange.
Apu: This is worse than your song about Mr. T.
Homer: I pity the fool who doesn't like...he.

Consider that fool pitied, Homer.

In Deep Space Homer, Homer considers giving up his chance to be an astronaut. Marge tells him he may regret quitting. Homer than speaks of his biggest regret in life:
You're right, Marge. Just like the time I could have met Mr. T at the mall. The entire day, I kept saying, 'I'll go a little later, I'll go a little later...' And when I got there, they told me he just left. And when I asked the mall guy if he'll ever come back again, he said he didn't know. Well, I'm never going to let something like that happen again!

This show aired during 1994, when Mr. T's comic book Mr. T and the T-Force was being launched. As part of the launch, Mr. T made appearances at comic book stores across the country signing free autographs and taking pictures. Many of these comic book stores were at malls.
I met Mr. T at the Franklin Mills Mall that year. Eat your heart out, Homer.

The next Mr. T reference on was during season six. It was the episode where Homer is accused of sexual harassment. The episode was titled Homer: Bad Man.

ME: See, that cat Homer is a bad-
ISAAC HAYES: Shut yo mouth!
ME: Hey man, I was just going to say the word 'man'
ISAAC HAYES: Ahhh shaddup anyway.
ME: I can dig it.

During the episode, Homer watches a comedian tell this joke:
I think about weird stuff, like what would happen if Mr. T and E.T. had a baby. You'd get Mr. E. T., wouldn't you? And he'd sound something like this: 'I pity the fool who doesn't phooooone hoooome.

Pretty good joke, lets see what would happen if Mr. T sired a child with other sci-fi characters:

Movie: They Live
Mr. T and Rowdy Roddy Piper: Rowdy Rod-T Piper
He would say "I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick- hey wait, I ain't goin' on no plane Hannibal!"

Movie: Star Wars
Mr. T and C3PO: Mr. T3PO
He would say "Listen to them, they're dying, R2. Curse my metal body. I wasn't fast enough. It's all my fault, Fool."

Show: 3rd Rock From the Sun
Mr. T and The Big Giant Head: The Big Giant Mr. T Head
He would say "Is anyone still reading this? Even I stopped reading at this point."

Later that season, Homer joins a secret society. Mr. T was one of the leaders of the Stonecutters World Council, along with Mr. Burns.
Lets do one more
Show: The Simpsons
Mr. T and Mr. Burns: Mr. Burns
Isaac Hayes would say "I'm not going to ask again, SHUT YO MOUTH!"

Mr. T continued to show up in various ways on the Simpson's. Doctor Hibbert, who is always changing his hairstyle, once had a mohawk. He complimented the mohawk with a beard and some Mr. T-esque chains.

Also, he was part of the stage show the Simpsons saw called "That's Familiar"

Once, during a visit to the Simpson's version of the Museum of Television an Radio the see a debate between Mr. T and fashion critique Mr. Blackwell.
MR. BLACKWELL: Oh please, I've seen nicer chains on a set of snow tires.
MR. T: I pity the fool who derives self esteem from mocking other people's clothes.

Finally, in December of 2003, Mr. T guest starred as himself . He was part of Krusty's star studded Bar Mitzvah:
SIDESHOW MEL: Now let's meet a man who's musclebound and a man who's bound not to eat mussels; Mr. T and Krusty the Clown!
KRUSTY: T, I haven't seen you since we roasted Chevy Chase.
MR. T: Yeah, we were kinda rough on 'em. I felt bad for the guy.
KRUSTY: You mean you "pitied the fool?"

Mr. T then removes his mohawk and replaces it with a yarmulke. Literally. Like some bizarre human action figure, Mr. T removes part of his head and replaces it with another part. That must be what it is like to be Joan Rivers.

The show closes with a new take on a classic Mr. T line:
Mr. T: I pity the fool who didn't bring an envelope to this Bar Mitzvah!

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Herb: The guy who never tasted a hamburger at Burger King

In 1985 Burger King released a series of ads about Herb. See, according to their "research", EVERYONE in the world had tried a burger at Burger King. EXCEPT HERB.

So, Burger King ran a $40 million dollar ad campaign featuring the slogan "Where's Herb?" The TV commercials went something like this:

OLD LADY: I'm Herb's mom. He is such a loser.
MAN: I sold Herb a ladder once, he was a nice guy, but he needs to eat more fast food!
ANNOUNCER: Find Herb at Burger King and you can win money.

Yup, the actor who played Herb traveled the country giving people money if they recognized him.

Unfortunately, no one knew what he looked like.

So, people were constantly harassed when they went to Burger King.

MAN ONE: Are you Herb?
MAN TWO: No, are you trying to win that money?
MAN ONE: No, I need to borrow his ladder.

Finally, on Superbowl Sunday, Herb was revealed. Herb was the stereotypical nerd. Thick glasses, white socks and a loud suit.

That way, only nerds were harassed at Burger King, which is how it should be.

Herb also appeared at Wrestlemania 2 as one of the celebrity judges for the Mr. T vs. Roddy Piper boxing match.

In the end, the ad campaign was a failure. No one quite knew what the commercials were saying? Herb was a nerd because he NEVER had a Burger King hamburger. But, WHY would we look for him there? What was he doing at Burger King if he didn't eat hamburgers? Was he a vegetarian? Did he just like that hot chick that worked the register? No one knew? Hey that last sentence wasn't a question? Why did it end with a question mark?

Now for my confession:
I have never eaten a Fish Fillet at McDonalds. Find me at a McDonalds and I will give you... a surly attitude.

Monday, October 11, 2004

Dear bunchojunk: Don't knock the twist

Dear  bunchojunk ,
My husband has begun a strange habit of hitting me in his sleep. He doesn't do it on purpose, and he always feels horrible when I wake him up, what should I do?
-Punched out

Dear Punched,
Put a kangaroo in the bed between you two. Kangaroos hate to be punched, so the kangaroo will DEFINITLY hit back! Then, even his subconscious won't want to hit you
P.S. You may want to keep some rubbing alcohol and bandages handy.

Dear  bunchojunk,
I am having trouble getting my son to clean up his room. He has always been messy, but lately it has gotten out of hand. What should I do?
-Dirty House

Dear Dirty,
Teenagers can be difficult, sometimes. Often, a messy room can be because of a change in schedule has left him without time to clean. Maybe you can help him get on track by sitting down with him and helping him organize his day.
P.S. Oh yeah, I forgot I was doing that whole wacky response thing. Let me add this: After he cleans his room make him a sardine and ketchup sandwich, and make a smiley face out of the ketchup. Wocka wocka!

Dear  bunchojunk,
When do you think it is a good time to have children?

Dear Childless,
During the day is a good time. That way, you get to miss work for the whole 'birth thing.' The weekends are okay, but that screws with the whole 'sitting around the house watching televised golf thing.'
So, I recommend you 'hold the child in' until it is convenient for the TV schedule (keep in mind many hospitals do not have cable!)

Dear  bunchojunk ,
My husband keeps throwing things at the kids when they are roughhousing. He has never hit one, but it makes me worry. What should I do?
-Scared Mom

Dear Scared,
Roughhousing? Wow, I have not heard that word since I went to the public pool when I was a kid. "Stop roughhousing" the lifeguard would say. Oh, wait. Maybe he said "no horseplay."
Yeah, I think it was "no horseplay." That lifeguard was grumpy!

Thursday, October 07, 2004

A visit to Grimace's Garage

When you say "big and purple," Grimace is the first thing that comes to everyone's mind!

Well, actually, Barney the Dinosaur is probably the FIRST thing. Still, when you say "big and purple," people think of Grimace, Barney and 'that boil on Aunt Joan's neck.'

Grimace has a home on the world wide web at

Upon logging in you are greeted by Grimace who is standing by his garage. He says "Duh, hi there. There's lots of stuff to do in my garage. You pick." No joke, he said 'duh.' Get used to it, he starts every sentence that way.

Grimace's garage looks like most everyone's garage. It is full of discarded sports equipment and has a single light bulb hanging from the ceiling. On the wall two notices have been posted. We can't read them, but a good bet is that they both start with 'duh.'

The first choice, in Grimace's garage, is 'Color Grimace.'

Color Grimace is a simple game where you use the mouse to color Grimace. Sorry, that was redundant. I apologize for that redundant part.

Grimace appears in a few different scenes: Walking, pointing at a snowman, and riding a bike.
In case you are wondering, yes, Grimace DOES exercise proper bike safety. He wears knee pads and a helmet. The chin strap is unhooked, but to be fair, Grimace has no chin.
There is also a picture of Grimace playing baseball. Actually, we aren't SURE he is playing baseball. I just know he is holding a bat. It could be that the maker of the Super Size Me documentary is just out of frame being held by the Hamburgler. If so, GIVE HIM THE BEATING OF HIS LIFE, GRIMACE!

Also on this page Grimace offers a 'Fun Fact.'
If I could make up a new milkshake flavor, it would be grape.

IF I COULD????? What is THAT all about? Don't you think that Grimace has enough pull to get the GrapeShake (I just made the name up) introduced?

The second choice in Grimace's Garage is 'Wacky Wardrobe.'

Grimace has part of a wardrobe, and needs you to select the rest of it. Give Grimace the guitar and he plays a concert dressed just like David Crosby. Come to think of it, if David Crosby was purple he would look JUST like Grimace.

My favorite part of Wacky Wardrobe was when Grimace put on a space suit and drifted away towards the sun. It was kind of sad seeing him float to his certain doom, but on the bright side he looked just like the poster for Rocketman!

Remember when Rocketman's suit filled with air?
I guess I am the only one.

Then, Grimace's Garage offers 'Grimace's Dinosaur Dig.'
The dinosaur dig contains dinosaur jokes and a name-a-saurus game. Grimace explains the game thusly: Duh, Dinosaurs have funny names. Make up some names and draw the dinosaur on paper to match.

I drew a Brontosaurus. I named him Spiro Agnew.

Then there is some info on Sue the Dinosaur, the complete T-Rex skeleton found a few years back.
Grimace says that Sue the Dinosaur's favorite human is fossil hunter Sue Hendricks. Yeah, that's the dinosaur's favorite human... FOR DINNER. Ha ha ha! I haven't laughed this hard since I thought of Rocketman a minute ago.

Next we are treated to another 'fun fact.'
I like to dance the two-step: I step on one of your feet. Then you step on one of mine.

Considering that Grimace must weigh 500 pounds this must be a frightening thought for the kids.
I propose he changes the saying to:
I like to dance the two-step: I step on one of your feet. You end up in the Ronald McDonald Children's Hospital.

Finally there is the 'Fun Fact Quiz.' I figured that since I had paid attention to all of his fun facts thus far, this would be easy. Unfortunately this was all new questions.
1. Do you know how big my feet are?
Bigger than a house
Too small
Bigger than Ronald's

I guessed 'bigger than a house.' I once saw a house made out of sugar cubes. They gotta be bigger than that.
2. Duh, guess what I like to eat or drink most at McDonald's?
Apple Pies

Well, which is it? Eat or drink? I'm going with milkshake because I like that song.
3. I like everybody. But do you know my best friend?
McNugget Buddies
Happy Meal Guys

Duh, best friend is singular. Two of the choices are plural. Duh, I chose Ronald.
4. What do you think my favorite color is?

Hmmm, tough one. I bet it can't be purple. Since he IS purple, that would make him somewhat of a racial separatist. I am betting he answers 'all colors are created equal, try the GrapeShake.'

I submitted the answers and Grimace said:
2 Right
Duh, great job! Click below to get your Grimace’s Great Group of Friends Certificate!

Great job? I scored a 50%!! What kind of certificate would I have gotten? Grimace's High School Equivalency Certificate?
Well, no time to find out. I am off to the Patton Office to register the GrapeShake!

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

A Back to the Future press release

Our Bunch O Junk investigation team has uncovered the following press release, not yet available to the public.


New York City, NY (PRWEB) October 22, 2004 -- A bit of the past, a bit of the future, and a bit of show tunes will be experienced by visitors to Broadway’s newest show: BACK TO THE FUTURE .

Based on the 1985 film of the same name, BACK TO THE FUTURE, is the story of down-on-his-luck Scientist Dr. Emmet Brown and Marty McFly, a spry teenager. Together they have adventures across the sea of time.

BACK TO THE FUTURE stars Bob Amal as Doc Brown and Andy Trainor as Marty McFly. Other confirmed cast members are Rich Annato, Carmen Ghota, the fat girl from Full House, and the guy who played “The Big Ragu” on Laverne and Shirley.

Bob Amal comes to BACK TO THE FUTURE after playing Doc Brown at the photo booth outside the Back to the Future ride attraction in Universal Studios, Florida. He has been seen as the ‘guy inside the Purple Teletubbie’ during a US tour, he plays the piano, and was also once arrested for driving through a toll booth naked.

Andy Trainor has never acted before, but got the part after the producers confused him with someone else.

The screenplay for the film was adapted for Broadway by Huey Lewis, who wrote songs for the feature film. Surprisingly, Huey tossed out all of the memroble songs from the original film and replaced them with new tunes such as ‘You Have Started the Flux Capacitor in My Heart,’ ‘Too Many Jiggawatts’ and ‘Hey You Look Like The Big Ragu.’
The show is scheduled to open in March.

Well, that's the press release. I don't know about you, but I'm going!

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

Katie: Pink Ranger

A children's story
Katie woke up to the sound of crackling bacon.

She reached over to her hi-fidelity, quadrophonic, auto-reverse karaoke machine and stopped the cassette.

The bacon sounds stopped.

She ejected the cassette and placed it in it's snug plastic case, labeled: Frank Sinatra Duets... and Bacon Noises.

Kate walked to the calendar on the door to see what day she had ahead of her.

"Oooh" she cooed "PINK DAY!"

SMACK! The door swung violently against her head. It was Emalio, her live-in housekeeper/blackjack dealer, standing there in his neatly pressed apron. The apron was embossed with the phrase "Kiss the Cook... and the housekeeper/blackjack dealer."

He looked behind the door at Katie's lifeless body and sang "Katie! Wake up your Fiddle Faddle is ready!"

Then Emalio jumped out the window, onto the lawn, to play with the possums.

Two hours later Katie regained conciousness. She smiled at the calendar and purred "Pink Day!"
Ten minutes later Katie stumbled down the steps clad in her pink Banana Republic Safari outfit, complete with pink khaki shorts, a pink bow tie and her pink, plastic, pretty plaid and polka dotted pith helmet.

She walked over to her pile of car keys on the dining room table and grabbed the one labeled "pink key."

NOTE: Be sure to pronounce this as TWO words; "Pink... key" as opposed to "Pinky" as in the small finger or the female ghost in Pac Man.

Then she got into her pink car and drove to the park where she worked as a ranger.

Monday, October 04, 2004

The Earth Day Special

Earth Day comes once a year (towards the end of April.) It's a time when people worry about the end of the world and decide to recycle and carpool for a week or so.

Events like 1990's Earth Day Special, however, come once a lifetime.

In 1990 every famous person alive got together to make a special about the environment. I am not kidding. This is TRULY star studded. There are so many stars, that rather than list them all at once, I am going to randomly drop them in between sentences.

Barbara Streisand, Neil Patrick Harris, Michael Douglas, Jack Lemon,

See, just like that.

Harold Ramis, Rhea Pearlman, Geena Davis,

The film is really bizarre, totally uneven. At points it is a documentary, at other points it is a narrative comedy. Celebrities drop by constantly, some play themselves, others play famous characters they played in films and TV and others play all new characters. It's enough to make you dizzy.

Meryl Streep, The cast of Married With Children,

The film opens with Danny Devito and Rhea Pearlman. They are playing what seems to be themselves, but they have pretty dumpy house. I would assume that they would live in a mansion, but instead it looks like a college dorm- and not a very good college.

Morgan Freeman, Bette Midler, Rodney Dangerfield,

See, Danny doesn't care about the environment, but Rhea does. So she makes him watch the Earth Day Special. Yes, they are going to watch the very special that they are starring in.
The term for speaking directly to the audience is 'breaking the forth wall.' So, I can only assume that watching the special WITHIN the special is 'breaking the forth wall, smacking it's momma and pouring sugar in it's gas tank.'

Michael Keaton, Will Smith, E.T., Dustin Hoffman,

The special is about Mother Nature (portrayed by Bette Midler.) See, Mother Nature is dying and the world is very concerned.

James Brolin, Dana Delaney, Dan Ackroyd, Kermit the Frog,

Well, not EVERYONE is concerned. Robin Williams (the everyman) doesn't care. So he tells everyone how wonderful life is and how we shouldn't be so worried. Then Mother Nature's doctor, Doogie Howser (seriously), tells us that Mother Nature is in serious condition.

Kevin Costner, Candice Bergen, Martin Short, Chevy Chase, Ice T,

Dustin Hoffman then debates Robin Williams. See, Williams is the everyman and Hoffman is the every LAWYER. Does that make you laugh? I hope so, because it is the ONLY type of humor you will find in the Earth Day Special.

Christopher Lloyd, Bill Cosby, Ted Danson and the cast of Cheers,

Then Doc Brown arrives from the future to tell us that we will die if Bette Midler doesn't get better. To stress the point a group of rappers (including Will Smith and Ice T) rap about Bette Midler. There, THAT is the strangest sentence I have ever typed.

Magic Johnson, Rick Moranis, Dennis Miller, Alex Trebek,

Meryl Streep is so upset about the environment that she goes to a bar. Kevin Costner is tending bar. I don't think he is playing himself, I think he is just playing a bartender, but maybe it was during the dry spell between Waterworld and Open Range. Maybe he couldn't get acting jobs and had to tend bar on the side.

Robert Wuhl, Jane Fonda, The Golden Girls, Danny Devito,

Now throughout the special, they cut to the sets of many famous TV shows. All of these TV families are watching the special and discussing how they will use the positive messages of Earth Day to help save the planet.
We see the Cosby family and the Cheers bar watching the show.
I belive that is called 'shoving salt into the forth wall's wounds.'

Dennis Miller, Bugs Bunny, Mayim Bialik, Downtown Julie Brown.

In the end Bette Midler gets better and Danny Devito and Robin Williams learn a valuable lesson.

This is truly one of the strangest programs ever produced. It is available on video, but hard to find. Now, they only need to a special about the health and well being of that darn forth wall.

Friday, October 01, 2004

Run DMC's King Of Rock

Ahhh, Run DMC.

Perhaps the greatest rap group of all time.
In 1985 they released their second LP: King of Rock.

Let's take a look at the lyrics to the title track.

"King Of Rock"

I'm the king of rock, there is none higher
Sucker MC's should call me sire
To burn my kingdom, you must use fire
I won't stop rockin' till I retire

Yes, it's good to be king. Too bad his kingdom is flammable.
We get assurance here from Run that he won't stop rockin' till he retires. Odd, being King Of Rock, you would assume he would HAVE to rock until retirement.
Now we rock the party and come correct
Our cuts are on time and rhymes connect
Got the right to vote and will elect
And other rappers can't stand us, but give us respect

The right to vote? I thought they were KINGS of rock! I thought this was a monarchy! They can be voted out of power?
They called us and said we're gettin iller
There's no one chiller
It's not Michael Jackson and this is not Thriller
As one def rapper, I know I can hang
I'm Run from Run-DMC, like Kool from Kool and the Gang

Someone called and said they were getting iller? Who was it? Not Michael Jackson! I like how they take time to explain to the listener what artists and songs they are NOT listening to. Also they explain what a front man is. Good going Run DMC, very educational.
Roll to the rock, rock to the roll
DMC stands for devastating mic control
You can't touch me with a ten foot pole
And I even made the devil sell me his soul

Hmmmm, I always thought touching things with a ten foot pole was a bad thing. I always thought you said "I hate broccoli, I wouldn't touch it with a ten foot pole."
Maybe I only thought that way because I lacked "devastating mic control." In all honesty, DMC, how hard is it to control a mic? If he had said "devastating VCR clock control" I maybe would have respected that, but mic control? Give me a break!
Now we crash through walls, cut through floors
Bust through ceilings and knock down doors
And when we're on the tape, we're fresh out the box
You can hear our sound for blocks and blocks
For every living person we're a purple treat
It's me and DMC, Jay where's the beat?

Once again they are breaking things. They did the same thing in Rock Box.
Bust through ceilings and crash through walls? They sound like a bizarre Hulk and Kool Aid Man rampage.
"For every living person we're a purple treat"
What is a purple treat? That sounds like a Barney the Dinosaur pickup line.
Now we're the baddest of the bad, the coolest of the cool
I'm DMC, I rock and roll. I'm DJ Run, I rock and rule
It's not a Trick or Treat and it's not a April Fool
It's all brand new, never ever old school

Never say never, DMC, you are now old school.
Interestingly, earlier they told us that the song is not Michael Jackson or Thriller, now they are stressing what HOLIDAYS this song isn't. Next they will say "It's not a dental exam or a pair of orange Frisbees."
You got the music in your body and you can't comprehend
When your mind won't wiggle and your knees will bend
Music ain't nothin but a people's jam
It's DJ Run-DMC rockin without a band

If you have a knees that won't bend, it might be arthritis. Old school, Run, you’re in the class.
Now I walked on ice and never fell
I spent my time in a plush hotel
I stood on many stages, held many mics
Take airplane flights, at huge heights
So all you sucker MC's, you gotta say please
Cause when he jumps high, I'm pulling down weeds
Got a song so strong, it's knocking down trees
Is it hard to believe it's Run-DMC

Save the trees, DON'T listen to Run DMC!
I am from, around the way
And Run goes to school, every day
And Jay plays the records he has to play
And we get down with no delay, HEY!

See, DMC is local to the area and Run is a student. DMC must NOT be a student, but Run makes up for that by going EVERYDAY, rather than just weekdays. That all makes sense, but WHO is making Jay play the records he "has to play"?????
I rock the party with the words I speak
And Run says the rhymes that are unique
And Jay cuts the records every day of the week
And we are the crew that can never be beat

"Jay cuts the records every day of the week" and "Run goes to school, every day!" Why is it that only DMC respects the Sabbath? Don't these other two need any rest?

I am happy to hear that Run's rhymes are unique. I just hope he doesn't set a trend, then his rhymes would cease to be unique.
So don't try to diss me, try to be my friend
Cause if you do, you'll get yours in the end
The rhymes we say, shall set a trend
Because a devastating rap is what we send

OH NO! There go the unique rhymes! Now, they are just a fad. Like Beanie Babies and talking like Austin Powers, Run's rhymes may soon be played out.
Good thing he invites us to be his friend. We could all use a new friend.
Every jam we play, we break two needles
There's three of us but we're not the Beatles

They are NOT the Beatles? I didn't know there was any confusion. Maybe the whole "king of rock" thing may have confused them with Elvis, but the Beatles??? I guess they just said this to keep Yoko Ono away.
My name is Darryl, you can call him D
You can call me Darryl Mack, or you can call him DMC
People always ask, DMC, what does it mean?
D's for never dirty, MC for mostly clean

R is for redundant, UN's for an intergovernmental organization concerned with international peace and security.
Like we said before, we rock hardcore
I'm DJ Run, I can scratch. I'm DMC, I can draw
And now we got the knack, to attract
Our rhyme's an aphrodisiac

Run is itchy, DMC can draw. Maybe he could make me a picture of the United Nations.
We'll reign on your brain and rock your knot
When it comes to rock, give it all we got

WHHHOOOAAAA! Stay away from my knot.
To be MC's, we got what it takes
Let the poppers pop and the breakers break
We're cool cool cats, it's like that
That's the way it is, so stay the hell back

Hey, take it easy! I thought you wanted to be friends!
We're causin hard times, for sucker MC's
Cause they don't make no songs like these

There you have it, Run DMC's King Of Rock. I am not sure if we accomplished anything by analyzing it, but at least will be the top search result for people who type "Run DMC at United Nations" into Google.

Sweetie is the number one "hot guy" IN THE WORLD!

Click here to find out!

Day 12 (October 12, 2004)
It recently came to my attention that IceRocket (an Internet search engine) has made me the number one result to a NEW query. What is that query? DATE.

If people are looking for a date they are sent right to me.

Woah! I better put some deodorant on!

Where will I take all of these women that will be lining up to date me?

Maybe I will take them someplace regal, a romantic place full of history and pageantry. Like a Burger King or Dairy Queen.

Or maybe a White Castle. I hear that chicks dig castles.

Click here to find out!

Day One (October 1, 2004)
It recently came to my attention that Blogdigger (an Internet search engine) has made me the number one result to a specific query. What is that query?

The query is "hot guy."

I like writing query. It makes me feel smart. Sadly I am not the number one result for "smart guy."

Take a good look! That is the result.
#1 hot guy is ME!

#2 is a site related to the Hot Or Not website. Oddly enough, Jesus and his disciples are #3. I will not comment on that, I know what happened to the Beatles.

I do not claim to be "Hotter than Jesus."

The specific article that shows up is the one about We Got It Made, the 1980's show featuring 2 guys that live with their pretty maid. I am sure, today, many a young lass dreams of being a maid to me and some other slob.

Well, for all those looking for a hot guy, look no further.

Look at that hot guy!

Day Two (October 2, 2004)
Still hot! Unfortunately I have now lost Internet privileges at the local library due to the number of times I have typed "hot guy" into search engines.

Day Three (October 3, 2004)FINAL ENTRY
Sadly, my hotness has deteriorated. I am now the #55 'hot guy.'

It was good to be king! At least I ruled the weekend, and hey #55 in the world ain't bad.