Thursday, July 15, 2004

The plane truth about Delta flight DL 82 (get it? The PLANE truth)

Delta flight DL 82, non stop from Philadelphia to Los Angeles California.
The flight started boarding on time at 7:40. First Class boarded first followed by 'zone one'.
I had never noticed the zone on my ticket before. In the past I remembered them boarding us by rows. Not anymore. We are in the zone! I hope this process takes a hold everywhere. I WANT THE WORD ZONE TO REPLACE THE WORD ROW.

OTHER GUY: Hey! Did you get tickets to the Aaron Carter concert yet?
ME: Yeah buddy! I got front zone tickets!
OTHER GUY: Get out! I am so jealous! You will be so close!
ME: Yeah, isn’t he dreamy?

It will be a better world once zone replaces row.

PASTOR: Please pass the collection plate to the end of the row.

PASTOR: Yo! Pass the dishie down the ZONE! For shizel my nizel!

People that have 'corn rows' in their hair will have corn zones. Even corn itself will change. Rather than eat one row of corn off the cob, you can eat a ZONE!

Zone, zone, zone your boat gently down the stream. Merrily, Merrily, Merrily life is but a dream.

Scooby Doo will be redubbed.
SCOOBY: Rut row Raggy, a ronster!
SCOOBY: Rut zone Raggy, a ROOSTER... what? A ronster? Oh, like monster! I hate this job.

So, the zones were called one by one until ZONE 7 and ZONE 8 were called AT THE SAME TIME.
I didn't know weather to applaud or to tremble in fear. This stewardess was either crazy or crazy good at seating people. Well, she seated everyone. My hat is off to you!

Shortly after we were seated we prepared for take off. A video screen pops down and tells you how to put on a seat belt.

Years ago the stewardesses used to talk through this speech, calmly pointing to the emergency exits, but now we have the video. I prefer the live version except for one part.

The oxygen mask sequence.

The oxygen mask sequence is one of the greatest moments in the history of acting. Let’s take a look at what the script must have looked like:

Scene 3- Oxygen Mask

TONYA, a well to do professional woman is sitting in an airline seat. She is reading a non-descript book. Suddenly the plane starts to rock back and forth. Flames can be seen shooting in through the window. The Narrator speaks.
In the event that the cabin becomes depressurized oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling.

Tonya calmly puts her book in the seat back pocket in front of her. She then takes the orange mask that has dropped from the ceiling. She slowly puts it over her face taking time adjusting the straps to fit.
If you are traveling with children, please secure your mask first before helping them with theirs.

The camera pulls back to reveal TONYA'S SON sitting next to her staring forward Tonya carefully puts the other mask on her son.

I recently found a tape marked "OXYGEN MASK DELETED SCENE" here is what it shows:

Tonya gets off the plane at her destination, and is greeted at the tarmac by a DYFUS employee who takes her child from her. She is arrested on charges of child neglect and serves two years in prison. Later, she takes her own life by bludgeoning herself with a toy airplane.

After the video ends the Captain begins his talk.

"Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Karl I will be your captain on our journey to California."

Captain Karl! How cool is that! I hope he spells captain with a 'k'. Kaptain Karl! We are in for some wacky HIGH-JINKS! High, because we will be in the AIR!

After Double K (my new nickname for Kaptain Karl) finishes his talk, we take off. The screen now begins to run trivia. Some of the trivia is related to air travel, the rest is just there to make you feel stupid.

Did you know that New Zeland offered women the right to vote before the united states? No? That is because you are stupid. (Trivia can be so MEAN.)

Then, you are invited to purchase a meal. That is not a typo. They charge you for airline food!

The food was provided by Hard Rock Cafe. The choices were: a Denver omelet, some kind of fruit thing, and a ham, egg and cheese croissant.

I wish the Hard Rock had been a little more creative with their menu. I would have made David Bow-tie pasta with a side of Bruce String Beans and Elvis Parsley. But, I digress.

I ordered the ham, egg and cheese croissant. I was hoping for something similar to what McDonalds would serve. It cost $8, I hoped it would resemble a $3 fast food breakfast, and I was still disappointed.
What I got was a cold slice of American cheese, ONE THIN slice of lunch meat ham, and two slices of a hardboiled egg on a croissant. It was a meal fit for a king... King Harley Race (I know, it’s not very funny, I just wanted to make a Harley Race reference.)
To justify the use of the word 'meal', they also give you a cup of apple sauce and a granola bar. They still give you free beverages on the plane, and a bag of pretzels.

Time for the IN FLIGHT ENTERTAINMENT! No, not the movie presentation, I am talking about watching a fat woman try to get around the beverage cart after using the bathroom. HA! That was funny!

Next they run a preview for the feature Rules Of Attraction. Then they start selling headphones. They say you can use your own, but that never works right. They have a bizarre 2 pronged headphone that is standard only in Mongolia. So I buy the headphones, promising that I will remember to bring them on the next flight. I have made this promise to myself every single trip. For good measure, I promise not to make any Harley Race jokes for the next decade.

Rules Of Attraction stars Julianne Moore and Pierce Brosnan. You may remember a few years ago when Pierce made the film The Thomas Crown Affair he said he was trying to make all of his non-James Bond film roles movies the Bond fans would enjoy.

Apparently Bond fans want to see romantic comedies about dueling attorneys finding love in Ireland.

Kaptain Karl interrupts the movie 4 times to tell us what we are flying over. Too bad we can't see any of it because of the clouds, but Karl assures us there are still things below us.

After the movie, an episode of Frasier runs. This is one of the MANY episodes where Lilith returns to Seattle. The show opens in AN AIRPLANE. Lilith is sitting next to a frightened man aboard a plane.

Man: I'm a nervous flyer.
Lilith: Yes, I see. Oh, you're white as a sheet.
Man: No, actually, I'm always this pale. My ex-wife used to say she could tell when I was embarrassed because I'd turn off-white.

Oh, that old gag about people being scared to fly. I would find this funny except I am on a PLANE. Hey, show us one about people with ecoli when you serve the Hard Rock meal! That would be great!

So, after Frasier, it is time to land. All in all, I HIGHLY recommend DL 82. Make sure to fly it when you have a chance.

Click here to read a junk about Soul Plane.

Have you had any memorable flights?


  1. Thank you for your fair reviews. I would like to admit that David Spade was on the plane, and I stole most of the material from him. The only part I contributed was the Scooby Doo stuff.

  2. Anonymous7/15/2004

    "A ronster? Oh, like monster! I hate this job." FUNNIEST LINE EVER!

  3. Great post!
    I enjoyed the "zone" portion, although I don't think that Britney Spears was given the credit that she deserves for starting the trend with her "In the Zone" CD.

  4. NJCRC, good point about Britney, I think the album cover shows her sitting in a row, thus a ZONE.

  5. That's right - although at one point I felt I was in the Twilight Row.