Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Sting: Moment of Truth

There have been many bad movies involving pro wrestlers:

No Holds Barred: Hulk Hogan plays a guy named Rip who acts just like Hulk Hogan. I should have said he behaved like him. The way I wrote it, it sounds like Hulk Hogan is acting in the role of a guy who is also acting.

Hell Comes to Frogtown: Roddy Piper is hired by the government to impregnate as many women as possible so they can defeat a bunch of frog people.
Oh yes, I forgot to mention that his NAME is Hell. Sam Hell. That's where they got the title from.

Abraxas: Jesse "The Body" Ventura goes to outer space.

Anyway, all of these pieces of cinematic hooey now have a been surpassed, by Sting: Moment of Truth.

Sting: Moment of Truth is not just bad by the standard of "movies starring wrestlers," it's just bad.

It may be the worst film I have ever watched.

For starters it should be acknowledged that there once was a wrestler named Sting. I am pretty sure half of you read the title of this article and thought "Oh, he's reviewing the latest Sting CD. I guess it's called 'Moment of Truth.' Gee this website has really gone downhill. I don't know why I even bother reading it anymore."

Sting was probably the most popular star of the 1980s that NEVER made it to the WWF. Instead he ruled as one of the top stars of the WCW. Then he found Jesus.

A whole lot of the wrestlers find Jesus eventually. I don't know why, but wrestling seems to have a large "Born Again" contingent.

As I popped in the DVD I knew this could go one of two ways:

1. It could be a powerful, uplifting movie about a sinner who finds redemption.
2. It could be a ridiculous movie that makes wrestling and religion look silly.
3. It could be a... wait did I say 2 ways? Shoot! I had a 3rd way, too! Oh well.

The movie was pretty bad. The main problem with the film is that Sting is portrayed as a positive guy throughout. He doesn't go out with the guys, he is true to his wife, HE IS A GOOD GUY.

Then he gets saved. For what I wasn't sure. I guess Sting got cold feet about the whole "putting all your bad qualities up on the screen" aspect of a redemption story.

So, it's a boring story. But that is not why it's a BAD movie. It has plenty of OTHER reasons for that.

low production values:
The film recreated many of Sting's memorable matches in a series of re-enactments. These are done in an empty arena, but crowd noise and shots of a CLEARLY different event are spliced in to make the whole thing more surreal.

bad dialog:
Sting says "You don't know how big this country is until you drive non-stop."
Huh? Non-stop from where to where?

bad line reading:
He actually flubs the line and says "You don't know how big this country is until you drive non-STOCK."
Unless he was saying 'non-stock' as in "driving in a standard car, rather than a stock car" he flubbed the line.
Or maybe he meant that he was driving without any livestock.

The film ends with Sting retiring. He has since made public statements about wrestling being "Satan."

He has since ended his retirement and returned to the ring.

Saturday, January 21, 2006

The Taco Bell Breakfast Menu

What in the world is better than an Egg McMuffin? Nothing, not even world peace, can bring about the satisfaction that this simple product can.

The Egg McMuffin has made it possible for people to eat fast food for THREE MEALS EVRY DAY.

I bet Ronald McDonald got a Nobel Prize for it.

Since the McMuffin debuted in 1974 there have been many other restaurants that attempted to create their own version.

Note: I have no idea when the McMuffin debuted, I just made that date up. For all I know Popeye's Chicken may have created the first fast food breakfast sandwich. This site is notoriously inaccurate and my grammar sucks. Accept it and move on.

Anyway, once upon a time Taco Bell had a breakfast menu. In fact, I understand that the menu still exists in some areas of the country. I just have not been there.
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The Taco Bell breakfast slogan was:


*enchiladas not served for breakfast.

The menu basically consisted of breakfast burritos and cinnamon rolls. It was pretty good, but just didn't take off.

Perhaps they SHOULD have served enchiladas.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Lonesome Dove

Based on a book of the same name, Lonesome Dove was an epic, award winning mini-series. Playing for 8 hours over 4 nights amassing a total of 6 hours of screen time (commercials excluded.)

The series was a hit and inspired a saga that just wont die. With the recent announcement of a new Lonesome Dove mini-series in production I thought it was a good time to revisit the stories of Lonesome Dove. So I went to Best Buy, abused my credit card, and came away with 20 hours of Lonesome Dove.

-Lonesome Dove
The is the original, and clearly the best. This one features amazing performances by Tommy Lee Jones, Robert Duvall, Danny Glover, Robert Urich, Ricky Schroeder and a bunch of other familiar faces. The story weaves the lives of a few dozen folks in the late 1800's around the story of a cattle drive to Montana.
Running six hours, I can't really do a full review. So instead I will just make the following stupid (but true) comment.
Robert Urich plays Jake Spoon. D.B. Sweeney plays Dish Boggett.
There is a scene where Dish wants to chase after Spoon. I wish there was a guy named Frank Cow and he jumped over a guy named Dirk Moon.

-Return to Lonesome Dove
This follow up was made right away because of the massive success of Lonesome Dove. Lonesome Dove scribe Larry McMurtry was not involved in this picture (it's the only one he isn't involved in) and that has made it the outcast of the bunch. McMurtry supposedly hated this film.
But I didn't.
It certainly plays like a Xerox copy of the original. It's not as good as the first, but since Lonesome Dove was so great, even a rip off is pretty good. In this film John Voight takes over for Tommy Lee Jones and Ricky Schroeder returns as do most of the actors who played the ranch hands. Instead of driving cattle, in this one they drive horses.
A young Reese Witherspoon also appears causing me to spend most of the movie staring at the golf ball she has hidden in her chin.
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Don't get me wrong, I think Reese is adorable, AND her name makes me think of candy. But all her chin does is make me want to play the 18th hole and shoot her chin through the windmill.

-Streets of Laredo
Unlike the two previous adventures (which ran 6 hours each on DVD) this one runs a comparably shorter. Clocking in under 4 hours, this tells a new story about the Tommy Lee Jones/John Voight character who is now played by James Garner.
In this adventure Garner hunts after a Mexican outlaw.
Interestingly, the tales of some actual historic characters are woven into the picture.
Ned Beatty plays Judge Roy Bean and Randy Quaid plays John Wesley Hardin. I wish that they had also hired Carrot Top to play Billy the Kid and then Robert E. Lee could have been played by the Quaker Oats man.
This film feels much less epic than the other two. This is mostly due to it covering a single story. The other two took a single plot and wove dozens of smaller plots into it.
Also, it is important to note that McMurtry ignored the events of Return to Lonesome dove in this sequel. He even changed a few of the events from the first film to fit this story. It can get a little confusing.
Remember that movie Sliding Doors where Gweneth Paltrow saw how her life would change due to one single event?
Neither do I.

-Dead Man's Walk
This 4 hour prequel features Johnny Lee Miller in the part that every old guy with a SAG card had played in the other flicks. Miller is joined by David Arquette who fills the role of a younger Robert Duvall.
This time they are young Texas Rangers and Arquette is in love with Jennifer Garner.
By that I mean that Garner appears in the film in the role of Clara, not that Arquette is a big "Alias" fan and has her picture pasted in her locker.

I really had a fun time watching all these films real close together and I realized a few things.

1. If you get shot with an arrow, odds are you will lose your leg.
2. Cowboys love beef jerky.
3. Uh, I guess that was it.

Friday, January 13, 2006

Glow in the Dark Pigs

It's a dream come true. Scientists in Taiwan have found a solution to the problem that has plagued mankind for centuries. Let me lay out the scenario for ya:

It's three A.M. you get up to eat a snack of pork rinds, ham and bacon. As you enter the kitchen you go to turn the light on and the switch breaks off in your hand.

Alone in the dark you wonder "how can I eat this porcine platter with no illumination?"


Many, I'm willing to bet. In the past we have been forced to open the fridge and sit basking in the glare of the small bulb inside the fridge as we gorged on pork.


Scientists in Taiwan have bred pigs that "glow in the dark".

And they aren't the only ones. Other researchers have bred partly fluorescent pigs, but THESE porkers truly glow in the dark.

The pigs were made "Dr. Moreau" style by combining the DNA of a jelly fish with a pig. I can only imagine what the pigs thought.

PIG ONE: Whoa! I don't know what they put in the feed around here but you are totally glowing.
PIG TWO: Back off Brokeback Babe: Pig in the City! I'm straight.
PIG ONE: You are so vain, you know not everyone here wants to sleep with you.
PIG TWO: Yeah, but you do. Right?

Anyway, the researchers hope glowing pigs will help stem cell research, and the study of human disease.

The scientists say that the glowing pigs are green throughout. Everything including their internal organs are green tinged.

Take a look at this photo:
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I think that's what the pigs look like. Or maybe Paris Hilton made some real freaky video I didn't know about.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Mr. Met

There are plenty of things to like about the Mets. They wear blue and orange, they are amazin' and the team name is both plural and past tense. I think.

But, the best reason to like them is Mr. Met.
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Since his debut on opening day 1964, Mr. Met has been a staple of Shea Stadium.

Here is some information from his MLB bio (WARNING: Contains spoilers.)

(WARNING: The last message should have read 'contains bad jokes that even Bil Keane would been to ashamed to include in Family Circus.)

On the first spring morning of '63, with the dew still dampening Coogan's Bluff, Casey Stengal, the old skipper of the young Mets, saw a figure in the distance. Deep in the Polo Grounds' center field stood a fan like no other -- a fan clearly born to root for the New York Mets. Casey so took to the big guy, he invited him to join the Amazin's the next year at their new park, Shea Stadium. Mr. Met was home. His baseball head began to swell with the win in '69 -- and grew still larger from '73 to '86 to the Subway Series in '00. Today he joins Mets fans, rookie and veteran, to cheer his favorite team every game at the big blue ballpark in Flushing.

I am so surprised that Casey didn't just crack him in the head with a bat.

You know what would make a freaky M. Night Shyamalan film?

Here it is:

Creepy Mr. Met Film
(Plot outline)

Casey Stengal wakes up with a hangover stumbles outside to see a strange man with a baseball head. Assumes it's "just the booze" and goes to work.

Soon he is seeing the baseball headed man everywhere. He introduces himself and Mr. Met becomes the team mascot. All is well until...

The team hires a monkey to replace him.
Mr. Met and the monkey fight for the position until the monkey gets a better offer from the Cleveland Browns.

The monkey returns to get his last paycheck only to be told "hey, we don't pay monkeys."

Mr. Met realizes that the ball everyone has been batting with is the corpse of his baby sister. Casey Stengal laughs an evil laugh until he finds out that the monkey was HIS sister.

Monday, January 09, 2006

Run D.M.C.'s Raising Hell

I can't get enough of Run D.M.C. I have critiqued their lyrics a bunch of times before (it's all in the archives.)

This time, let's take a look at "Raising Hell."

"Raising Hell"

Kings from Queens from Queens come Kings
We're raisin' hell like a class when the lunch bell rings

Yes, hell has no fury like a bunch of grade schoolers en route to a cafeteria.
I like the first line because it made me think of the Kevin James show "King of Queens." Also, the title "Raising Hell" makes me think of that movie Raising Helen. It also kinda reminds me of the movie Raising Arizona which sorta reminds me of Arizona congressman Jeff Flake.
His name makes me think of Tony the Tiger. Also Tony Curtis. What a flake.
The king will be praised, and hell will be raised
S-s-s-suckers try to faze him but D won't be fazed
So what's your name? D.M.C.! The King is me!
Your High-ness, or His Majesty!
Now you can debate, c-c-c-concentrate

Welcome to the first annual bunchojunk.com debate. The topic is c-c-c-concentrate.

CON: It is unappealing to concentrate and freeze orange juice. Also, many vitamins are lost in the process.
PRO: It keeps the juice f-f-f-fresh.

The pro-c-c-c-concentrate side wins!

But you can't imitate D.M.C. the Great!

Dissin all devils, causin havoc in HELL
At a very high level base and treble shall YELL
Heard in the heavens are the sounds supreme
So clear to the ear it is sometimes seen

Wow. The sound is so clear we can almost see it. Wait a minute! If the sound was clear we would be LESS likely to see it! We would see THROUGH it. Wouldn't we?

So loud like a cloud with thunder and LIGHTNING
So proud to the crowd it is somewhat FRIGHTENING
No calm in the storm like a beast unleashed
There's no stoppin cause the rockin cannot cease; BREAK!

You see it's harder than hard, not one bit soft
Courageous and contagious so you better break North
Not a cold, on a roll, did you hear me cough?
Just listen while I'm dissin cause you're p*ssin' me off

So, a man walks into a deli. The deli guy says "I have a cold."
The man says "on a roll?"
"No", the deli guy retorts, "on rye bread."
They laughed for hours. Then the man bought a bag of pita pockets and went home and made sweet love to them.

Cold bedding is spreading all across your face
You can't take when I break and if that's the case
I'll go on, and on, and kick the bass
So back up off the cup while I take my taste

It's highly appraised when the hell is raised
So demanding and commanding that you all stand dazed
The unbelieving receiving prophecy so true
I cut the head off the Devil and I throw it at you

The devil sucks! First Run D.M.C. dissed him, now he cut off his head. Stupid devil. I hate him and anyone else involved in Judas Priest.

My mighty mic control, already brought his soul
The rock king is so bold when he rocks and roll
A black hat is my crown, symbolizin' the sound
Signifyin, we won't play around; BUST IT!

Is he asking us to bust his hat? I hope so because I always liked the silent film hobos who wore a busted in hat. I hope D.M.C. lets me borrow it.

Rappin and climbin beat-makin every day
No synthesizer sound, so silence when I say
I am great, get it straight, cause that's my fate
My name is Run I'm number one, that's how I rate
He's in the place with the bass, and style and grace
His name is J he's here to play, and win this race
He's off the wall, on the ball, his name is D
Kind of tall yes y'all, he's down with me

From the mountain valley to the deep blue sea
The word is heard as told by D

So boastful. Boasting is the tool of the devil, you know. Of course if he is decapitated I guess it's a moot point.
I don't sing I bring, much delight
Like a star shinin bright in the darkest night
If you are cold, I'll bring you heat

I'm cold! Really cold. Bring me heat! Plus, the devil says HE is cold too (but that might just be due to massive blood loss.)
Like I brought the whole world my funky beat
Mysterious and serious I ain't no joke
Fire from the depths of hell AND YOU CAN SMELL THE SMOKE!

Kickin and tickin while you're havin a ball
Like chicken finger lickin I'll be vickin you all
So do the bird, have you heard, did they give you a call

Damn it! I didn't get a call. I never get all my messages! Plus I think my roommate is drinking my orange juice concentrate and replacing it with that lousy fresh squeeze. I'm going to stick the devil's head in the fridge so he can keep an eye on him.
Just me and D.M.C., cold shakin the walls

There's no fearin when hearin sound of this kind
Across the land every man is goin out of his mind
On the face of the earth spreadin like disease
Contaminating infiltrating like a horde of bees

Lord of lyrics, duke of discussion
Ruler of rock, your king at cold-crushin
Puller of people - controller of crowds

RUN D.M.C.'s resume:

1985 to present: Lord of lyrics
1988 to present: duke of discussion
1990 to 1992, 1994 to present: Ruler of rock
1993 to present: Cold crushin' king, people puller and crowd control

Lingering lyrics all lasting and loud

Left y'all, ah to the left y'all
because I rock upon the mike real def y'all

And to the right y'all, ah to the right y'all
because I rock upon the mike all night y'all

You see, I..

.. want respect, if I'm correct
They're all like a ball that I have checked

And the shots they take have no effect
Some punk tried to dunk but he broke his neck
Cause I rock harder, and I get farther
You wanna battle D hey please don't bother
To waste your time, messin with my rhyme
The only kick you get out of is in the behind!

How punny! Add punmiester to that resume!

Friday, January 06, 2006

Dear bunchojunk: The "Hate Mail" Edition

In the past 20 or so months this website has gotten me a lot of things. Actually, not that many things. I think I got a coupon for fast food and a couple of movie passes.

But one thing I did get is PLENTY of hate mail.

Yup, people hate me. They hate this site and they hate you for reading it. This may make you hate them, but that only gives them more reason to hate.

In the interest of stopping the hate, I am going to share some of the letters with you. That way we can all put it behind us.

I have left out the four letter words and changed the email addresses and names. I have changed the all to Vice President Dick Cheney.

How dare you speak the Rev Runs name! You think you are oh so kitschy. Look I have a picture of the Fat Boys, now I am cool. You better get your mom to buy you a grave. Run would kill you if he didn't have so many other fires to put out. I know the cat and you don't even rate. Consider yourself warned.

The writer was someone who likes Run D.M.C. and doesn't like my playful prodding at their wacky lyrics. I'll consider myself warned. Especially since he knows "the cat."
If he means football great Ernie "The Cat" Ladd, I am not just warned, I am giddy with excitement.

Your site used to rock. Now it just sucks. Why don't you update it more. What did you find something better to do or just get bord.

Why don't you use question marks. Are you afraid of question marks. Can I ask you a question. Is it alright if I put a period at the end of a question. Stupid Dick Cheney.

Hi, I have been reading for a long time and I must say that I am disappointed in the lack of new material. You used to make 4 or 5 a week and now it's down to 1 a week, it seems. Please give us more, we need it!
BTW: I hate you.

Another letter from someone who doesn't know how to use a question mark. Sure, they didn't ask any questions, but even if they had I doubt there would be any question marks. Prove me wrong, Cheney.

Dear Mr. bunchojunk,
he National Italian American Foundation (NIAF) will host a bi-partisan rally in support of the Supreme Court nominee, Judge Samuel Alito, Jr., with the Italian American community.
Guests Include Honorable Donald DiFrancesco, former Acting Governor of New Jersey; Justice Marie L. Garibaldi, former New Jersey Supreme Court Justice; Thomas Gentile, Esq., former clerk for Judge Alito and partner with the firm of Lampf, Lipkind, Prupis & Petigrow; Honorable Frank J. Guarini, former New Jersey democratic Member of Congress; and Assemblyman Paul DiGaetano. Entertainer Joe Piscopo will also be speaking at the event.
Dick Cheney (oddly enough it really IS from him!)
P.S. I hate your site and wish you would update it more.

ALRIGHT! I get it! I need to update the site more! Run D.M.C. deserve more respect! Dick Cheney is full of hate! Question marks are "so five minutes ago!"

I will work as hard a possible to change these things ASAP.

Thanks for all your letters of love and hate!

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Clue: The Movie

I love a good gimmick. Actually, I love a bad gimmick. Remember when Tony Atlas called himself Saba Simba? Me neither, but I bet I would have loved it.

If I am at a restaurant and they serve a drink in a miniature fishbowl, or have a special desert that changed colors as you ate it, I will be the guy buying it.

So, it shouldn't surprise you that I bought Clue: The Movie on DVD.

Based on the board game (which is kind of a gimmicky thing to base a movie on anyway) this movie follows the plot of the game.

Early on, Mr. Body is killed and a bunch of people (Mr. Green, Prof. Plum, etc) are stuck in a mansion trying to decide who did it. The film added a few other characters including:

Wadsworth the Butler: Played by Tim Curry, he carries the film. In the very end he steals it completely.

Yvette the Maid: She had a heaving bosom. That's all I remember about her. It was really, really heaving.

The Cook: I didn't even notice her until she was killed. Her bosom was heaving too, but in a bad way.

The Singing Telegram Girl: Jane Wiedlin (the cute girl from the Go Go's) pops up all too briefly.

Anyway, the film roars to a climax with Tim Curry re-enacting the entire movie at a breakneck pace. All in all it's a pretty good comedy and a fun (if impossible to predict) whodunit.

The reason it is impossible to predict is because of the gimmick: THREE DIFFERENT ENDINGS.

When the film played in movie houses in 1985 there were 3 possible endings that you could see depending on what theater you went to. The theaters would advertise that they showed ending a, b or c. The idea was pretty clever and maybe it worked.

The film grossed 14 million dollars at the box office. That seems pretty bad for a movie today but in 1985 14 million was, like, 100 billion dollars (I think.)

The film is the 2,424 most successful film of all time. Whooo hooo! However, it made less money than The Care Bears Movie and Tim Curry can't be too proud of that. I bet he stays up at night cursing the name of Tenderheart Bear.

The DVD works with the option of watching an ending chosen at random or the home video ending which spliced all three endings together separated by title cards that read things like "this is the way it could have happened" and "but, this is the way it REALLY happened."

The DVD did neglect to include the other part of the gimmick: the theater patrons were given a score card (just like in the home game) that they could use to rule out suspects with. Of course after the lights went down no one could SEE it so they probably just stuck it into their pockets (or heaving bosoms.)