Saturday, May 29, 2004

Stupid kids

Kids hang out outside my home. Always. They ride their bikes, torture bugs and break bottles. Pretty much the same things I did when I was a kid. Honestly, it's pretty much the same things I do now on the weekends. Throw in get into a drunken brawl and me asking strange women to show me their tattoos and you have Christmas weekend.

Anyway, I saw the kids crowding around gossiping and one of them said "She's got a dirty mouth. And I mean a dirty mouth with dirt in it." After she said this, the kids laughed and LAUGHED. The kids all were amused. Let us try to figure out why.

"She's got a dirty mouth. And I mean a dirty mouth with dirt in it."

Read it aloud.

"She's got a dirty mouth. And I mean a dirty mouth with dirt in it."

Look around you. Are people laughing hysterically? No? Hmmmmm. WHY then, was this funny to the kids?
Let's break it down:

"She's got a dirty mouth...

So her mouth is dirty. She has a dirty mouth. One would assume this means that the aforementioned female swears and cusses A LOT. She says dirty words and thus, she has a figuratively dirty mouth.

...And I mean a dirty mouth with dirt in it."

Ahh! This must be the funny part! Instead of just having a mouth that is figuratively dirty, this mouth has DIRT in it!

Let's see how this line would have worked in Gone With The Wind

Scarlett: Rhett, Rhett... Rhett, if you go, where shall I go? What shall I do?
Rhett Butler: Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.
Scarlett: Rhett you've got a dirty mouth. And I mean a dirty mouth with dirt in it."

I don't know. Maybe it would have enhanced the film. Maybe THAT would be the line that was constantly quoted. Maybe Mad TV would do a wacky skit that ended like this:

Man: Where are my big damn shoes? Woman I need my big damn shoes!
Woman: Buddy! You've got a dirty mouth. And I mean a dirty mouth with dirt in it.
Cue the crazy laughter.

Yup. We all say stupid things when we are children. I remember that I had a club. My club consisted of me and two dorky kids that had no OTHER friends. My guess is that deep down we formed the club BECAUSE we had no other friends.
It was a defense mechanism. If anyone ever came by and asked why we only hung out together, the club would be our reason.

Cool kid: Don't you guys have any other friends?
Us: Well, we can't. See we have a club and the membership is very exclusive. Just the other day a bunch of really cool guys came by and tried to join, but they were refused. It's really exclusive.

I don't remember much about my club, but I do remember when I wrote the pledge. Being such an exclusive club we NEEDED a pledge.
The only pledge I knew of was the Pledge Of Allegiance, and the only other club I knew of was the BMG Music Club.
So I took the membership application from BMG and the Pledge Of Allegiance and cobbled together something that VAGUELY resembled an original pledge.
I was very proud of myself. I got up at the meeting (oh yeah, we had MEETINGS) and I read the pledge. It went something like this:

I pledge allegiance to the club and the United States Of America
This club has more superstars than ever and can be yours for no obligation
We will defend our club and our country against all who are not completely satisfied

"STOP RIGHT THERE!" one of the children shouted "We can't defend the country against the RUSSIANS!"
I tried to reason with them. I explained that it was unlikely that Russian Troops would show up in the woods behind my house.
"But what if the army drafts us?" He asked.
Hmmm, this I HADN'T thought of. After all, what well organized fighting regime doesn't need a bunch of goofy ten year olds, especially ones that have membership in a CLUB.

So needless to say, I had to rewrite the pledge. Thankfully the Russians NEVER did show up in the woods. But If they had I could have put them in their place.

Russian Soldier: We will crush you, you ugly Capitalistic pig!
Me: You've got a dirty mouth. And I mean a dirty mouth with dirt in it.

That would have done it.


Here is the website for a movie called the Ugly Kid. THAT is what the other members of the club looked like.

What stupid things did you say as a kid?


  1. Sweetie, I think that you are giving Mad TV too much credit...