Wednesday, June 30, 2004

Bloody blood

I gave blood yesterday. I try to give regularly. You are allowed to give blood every 56 days. 56 is an odd number to remember, so I just give blood every time Taco Bell invents a new taco.

So since they introduced the "Chinchadito" this week (meat on a tortilla) it was time to give.

I arrived at the blood center and realized it was EMPTY. Now, it was close to lunch time, so perhaps most of the donors were at taco bell getting a chinchadito. However, blood supplies are said to be low, so perhaps you should make an appointment yourself.

First they sit you down and ask you a list of questions that reads like a membership application for the KKK.

1. Have you ever, since 1977, been to Africa, the Dominican Republic or Cameroon?
2. Have you had sex with another man, even once, since 1977?
3. Have you traveled outside the United States in the past 6 months?

I'm not kidding. These are the real questions. You wonder why the Red Cross' logo is a 'red cross'. Red as in 'burning with FIRE'. Think about it.

So then they take you over to a cot and lie you down. The nurse introduced herself. Her name was Stella.
I immediately took out my cell phone and changed the answering machine message to say
"Hi, this is Guy Hutchinson. I can't come to the phone, because I am lying in bed and Stella is sticking a needle in my arm."

So, the needle went in. Stella started filling a 1 pint bag with my blood as I squeezed a plastic tube to help the blood flow. Throw in a dancing Hobo and Steve Martin with a pitchfork and you have my recurring childhood nightmare.

After they take all the blood, they give you a can of juice. The kind of can you haven't seen since grade school. A small metal can with a peel off top. Plus you get crackers.

This sounds like a good appetizer for a 3 chinchadito dinner.

Tuesday, June 29, 2004

We clocked the t-rex at 35 miles per hour

Let us take a look at the Steven Spielberg epic JURASSIC PARK.

I love a movie that has a name that is SO commonly misspelled.


Yup, people just can't seem to spell it right. Let's take a close look at the film:

The film starts out with the loading team trying to get a raptor into a cage. The raptor the ATTACKS a worker who looks EXACTLY like a fatter Larry Fishburne.

I was going to include a photo of the worker, but then I realized that you would notice that he doesn't really look that much like Larry, and my cover would be blown.

So if you still need to see a fatter looking Larry Fishburne go see the Matrix sequels.

Oh, yeah. I keep calling him Larry, but he hasn't been Larry since the early 1990s. I never understood why he changed his name. Does Lawrence REALLY sound that much classier when it is followed by Fishburne.

FISH BURN. His name might as well be Lawrence Burntpopcorn or Lawrence Overcookedspagehtti.

Ahhh, but I digress.

So Gennero (the lawyer) arrives at a digging site to find that Hammond didn't show up because he had to be with his daughter who is getting a divorce.
Odd, she probably should have sent Hammond to the dig site and had the lawyer be with her during the divorce.

Jeez. I digress A LOT.

Off to Montana, now, where we meet Alan Grant. Grant is digging for dinosaurs, then he uses a dino bone to terrorize the SECOND UGLIEST PERSON on the planet.

My god! I still don't know if that is a boy or a girl. It looks like a fat albanian version of Carrot Top imprersonating Pugsly from Addams Family.
Congratulations! You are the SECOND UGLIEST PERSON EVER.
Not the first ugliest, that honor goes to Tom Cruise's cousin, subject of a previous junk,
click here to read that one.

So Hammond flies in and invites Grant to JURASSIC PARK. He reluctantly tells Ellie she can come along, too. She agrees and this ruins his chance to swap dirty jokes with Grant in the helicopter.

GRANT: Why did you invite her? She's not even a paleontologist. She's a PALEOBOTANIST.
HAMMOND: I had to invite her. She was standing right there when I asked you. I thought she would say no!
GRANT: You sicken me.

Next they fly off to Jurassic Park. While landing, Grant is asked to buckle his seatbelt. Being incredibly rugged, Grant can't figure out how to buckle a seat belt correctly and simply ties half of his seat belt to half of Ellie's. Then they crash and Ellie dies. Grant is so rugged he makes a lean-to out of her bones and lives in it during the Y2K scare.
No, I'm kidding. The helicopter lands successfully and they drive up to drive up to a brachiasaurus. Ellie doesn't notice the brachiasaurus because she is too busy looking at a leaf.

See why they didn't need a paleobotanist?

Ellie tries to get Grant to look at the leaf.

ELLIE: Hey Alan. This species of terraform has been extinct since the cretaceous period.

Huh? If you've seen this movie, you know Hammond made the dinosaurs using DNA from mosquito blood. If you haven't seen this movie: SPOILER ALERT.

So if they used mosquito blood to make dinosaurs, how did they make plants? Was there a mosquito that ate plants?

MOSQUITO: Hey let's go take a bite outta that mastadon.
MOSQUITO TWO: Nah. I'm in the mood for a salad.
MOSQUITO: You sicken me.

So they see a dinosaur. AWESOME. Now this film is rolling!
Hammond takes to a ride where he meets an on screen version of himself.

Imagine the joy Richard Attenborough has watching this film.

ATTENBOROUGH:Look I'm sitting here watching me on the screen, and me on the screen is watching me on the screen!
MRS. ATTENBOROUGH: You sicken me.

So Hammond plans on opening EVERY tour of Jurassic Park HIMSELF. WOW. Talk about a hands-on leader. Could you imagine going to Disneyland and having Michael Eisner check your seatbelt before starting up the Matterhorn? Hammond truly didn't think this all the way through.

HAMMOND: I am going to take a day off to swim in a pile of money.
BOSS: I'm sorry. We need you to open the ride.
HAMMOND: Oh, alright. I will swim in money on the weekend.
BOSS: Sorry, Jurassic Park doesn't close on the weekend. You have to be here EVERYDAY.

Now we get to see Mr. DNA and a poorly drawn cartoon that would make Joe Hanna and William Barbara embarrassed. Then it's off to the lab so B.D. Wong can show us a baby raptor. He's cute. Then we see the grown up raptors in a pen, not so cute.

Actually we don't see the raptors. Just a bunch of trees being shaken by some off-screen grips as a cow is lowered into the pen.
Now, I hate to sound cruel here, but why do they use this stretcher thing to lower the cow into the pen? Why don't they just drop him from a crane? Then they don't have to use a new stretcher thing EVERY day. It's not like the raptors are going to mind. And really, for the cow, is it any more cruel then being fed to raptors?
Next up we go on a tour where Hammond informs us that the 'voice we are now hearing is Richard Kiley, I spared no expense.' Well, Kiley was a distinguished stage actor, but spared no expense? Would it have killed him to get Bobcat Goldwaith? Bobcat could use the work, and it really would have spruced up the section of the tour when the dinosaurs didn't show up. But then the DINOSAURS SHOW UP.
The dinosaurs eat a goat an chase Sam Neil,then they eat Gerrano who was hiding in the mens room.
Oh yeah, I'm forgetting the Wayne Knight subplot. So Wayne Knight is complaining that Hammond has 'gotten cheap'. See I KNEW Hammond was sparing expenses! No Bobcat AND he lost Wayne Knight. Way to go Hammond.
Fences are shut down, Sam Jackson tells people to 'hold onto their butts' and the little kid gets ELECTROCUTED. It's really funny.

At one point Sam Neil shows the kids how to feed a brachiasaur a tree branch. This is a GOOD IDEA he reasons because they are 'herbivores and wouldn't eat them.' Uh huh. They could swallow you WHOLE! I am never letting Sam Neil watch my kids.

In the final moments we see the cast being hunted by a bunch of raptors in the visitor center when SUDDENLY the T-REX steps in and eats the raptor.

Let me repeat that:

SUDDENLY the T-REX steps in and eats the raptor.

Earlier we heard t-rex's foot steps from half a mile away. They made the water ripple. Now, he SNEAKS up on them? Ah, who cares, its a great ending.

Did you like JP?

Monday, June 28, 2004

What's in a name?


Jimmy Carter's favorite snack.

Once, they were a staple on airplanes.

Some people are allergic to them.

There is a puppet named Peanut. He is a woozle.


That is what Charles Schultz named this comic strip. Kids. A strip about kids. Not about Peanuts.
None of the children are named Peanut. As far as I know they don't live in a town named Peanut. I don't even think they ever EAT peanuts in the strip.

But Schultz choose to name the strip Peanuts.

SCHULTZ: What should I name this comic strip? Peanuts or Legumes?
HAL KETCHUM: I thought a peanut was a legume.
SCHULTZ: No, a legume is a fruit.
HAL KETCHUM: You're a fruit.
SCHULTZ: You wanna piece of me, Ketchum?
HAL KETCHUM: Go for it, Schultz.
SCHULTZ: Oh, I'm going for it. It's Schultz time!

So, he named the strip Peanuts and Hal Ketchum had to draw Dennis The Menace with the other hand for a few weeks. But the name is still stupid.

People like to say that they work for peanuts; and they go BANANAS.

I am convinced that banana is the third funniest word in the English language right behind 'jiggle' and 'formaldehyde.'

Yes, banana is comedy. This is why bananas is so often used in movie titles:

Herbie Goes Bananas
Going Bananas

I'm sure there are others, but I don't have the energy to look them up.

Simply inserting the word banana into a sentence makes it funny.

For example:

DOCTOR: I have to tell you, Stella is DEAD!
DOCTOR: I have to tell you, Stella is BANANAS!

See, how bananas make everything funnier?

Like, remember the beginning of this junk when NOTHING was funny? Lets add some bananas!

Jimmy Carter's favorite snack.

Once, they were a staple on airplanes.

Some people are allergic to them.

There is a puppet named Peanut. He is a banana.

Uh, I guess there are some things even bananas can't help.

Baloney! Another word people use out of context every day.

Baloney is also like ketchup a victim of 'Double spelling food syndrome.' Bologna? How is that possibly pronounced Baloney? HOW? And 'catsup'? I am convinced that the 'catsup' spelling only existed so we would laugh when Jerry would get Tom's head stuck in a bottle of 'catsup.'

Baloney can also mean 'lies' or 'ridiculous'.

POLITICIAN: Your policies are full of BALONEY!
OTHER POLITICIAN: Your policies are abosolutly BANANAS!
POLITICIAN: Your favorite snack is PEANUTS!

Friday, June 25, 2004

Talk, talk, talk

I hate when people talk during a movie. I'm not just talking about people that whisper to the person next to them, or say 'bless you' to someone that sneezes. I am talking about people talking!

When I saw X-Files there was a woman that HAD to be heard. She was not going to sit by and watch the X-Files. She wanted to be a PART of the X-Files.
Now, she could have went to Hollywood 16 months earlier and auditioned for a part. Or she could have gone to Vancouver 9 months earlier and signed up to be an extra. She could have even broke into the projection booth the night before and edited some footage of her into the film.
But, she didn't do any of these. My guess is that she didn't realize she had to be IN X-Files until after the movie started. So, there was only one thing for her to do. TALK.
At the end of the movie, when they decide to re-open the X-Files (oh yeah, SPOILER ALERT) she shouted:


That's right! She shouted:


This was probably the greatest moment of her life. Someday, many years from now, her grandkids will be watching TV, and the X-Files will come on and she will say:

Grandma was in X-Files, kids. Grandma said OH SNAP! X-FILES BACK ON.

Then they will put her in a nice home where she will get the attention she needs from trained professionals.
But, as of now. She is on the loose. I like to think of her sometimes. She is out at another theater, ruining someone's movie.

She is not the only movie ruin-er I have come across. My favorite was 'Nice Shot Guy.' I was watching GO in a half empty theater and someone in the film got shot (oh yeah, SPOILER ALERT) and this guy shouted:

Nice shot.

Nice shot.

I didn't just throw the second nice shot in there for effect, that is what he said. See, 'Nice Shot Guy' shouted "Nice shot" after the person in the film was shot. But, no one in the half empty theater reacted.
'Nice Shot Guy' figured we must not have heard him. After all 'Nice shot' is about the wittiest thing a person could shout at film depicting someone being shot. So assuming he wasn't heard he repeated it LOUDER.

The result was the same, we still ignored him, but I bet at the bar that night he told the story differently.

NICE SHOT GUY: ... So I said 'nice shot' and EVERYBODY laughed.
OTHER GUY: You tell me that stupid story one more time and I will shoot you!
NICE SHOT GUY: Wanna know what my dying words would be? NICE SHOT!


So, what movie talkers have you experienced?

Thursday, June 24, 2004

Pac-Man and the art of insanity


Pacmanhattan is a website devoted to a bunch of people that play a live version of Pac-Man in the street. That is what they do. Run around pretending to be Pac-Man.

I have met a few crazy people in my life. Most are sad up close, but funny from far away. Most of the crazy people I have met were homeless and had no access to the internet. Luckily, there are many crazy people that do.

This is not to say unequivocally that having a strong love for Pac-Man is wrong. Heck, I once had a hot dream about Ms. Pac-Man. See, me and Ms. Pac-Man were all alone and she WASN'T WEARING HER BOW!

GOOD GOD, I just realized that Ms. Pac-Man is just Pac-Man with a bow on her head. Without the bow, it's just Pac-Man. I HAD A DREAM ABOUT PAC-MAN!

Ugh. Anyway, the people who run around pretending to be Pac-Man aren't necessarily crazy, but they probably are... CRAZY.

Many parents like to say that their kids make them 'crazy.' I never thought this was true until a recent trip to Walt Disney's Animal Kingdom. Two kids were pushing each other back and forth as we stood in line. One of the kids said "Hey, stop pushing me!" His father turned around with the angriest look on his face.

He shouted "What did I tell you? Hay is for HORSES!"

Hay is for horses.

He shouted this. That's crazy!
I, having never heard the 'Hay is for horses' comment spoken in anger, laughed. Luckily he didn't notice or he may have yelled 'laughing is for hyenas' or 'is your name Rowan? Because this ain't Laugh In.'
This seemingly normal man had gone CRAZY.

Homeless guys sit around the subway and talk to themselves. This is why many people consider them crazy. I know many people who talk to dogs and cats. I even know people that give their pets gifts during the holidays. How do they even know what religion the dog is? If you're Catholic and you have a Jewish dog, won't he be offended by this gift.

OWNER: Hey Snookums! Here is your Christmas Present. A chew toy!
DOG: Now I get a gift!?! Where were you during Hanukkah? All 8 nights I got NOTHING!
OWNER: Don't you like the chew toy? It's pork flavored.
DOG: PORK! I can't have pork during Ramadan! Didn't you know I am half Muslim, too!

What did you get your dog for Ramadan?

To play Pac-Man online click here.

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

Advice for those in need of advice

Once again, it is time for an advice column. If you missed the previous one, click here. If you want to see a picture of a Shriner in a little car, click here.

Dear Sweetie,
Is it wrong to make a man wait five to six months before meeting him face to face???

Dear Shy,
OF COURSE IT IS. You HAVE to meet to move the relationship forward. If you really do not want him to see you, poke out his eyes.

Dear Sweetie,
I am a woman and I am disgusted by your column. You never give any of the women that write in a serious answer to the questions they ask. You just ignore the questions and make inane comments about dumb, macho, action flicks.

Dear Annoyed,
Thank you for your letter. I am ashamed to say that you are right, I will try harder in the future.

Dear Sweetie,
I'm putting myself on the job market this year, but I've also been trying to get pregnant for the last several months. If I'm lucky enough to become pregnant soon, how will I handle this with potential employers? During the time when it won't be obvious, should I let people know? What do I say during an interview if I am visibly pregnant?

Did you ever see that movie Junior? Arnold Schwarzenegger was PREGNANT! That was pretty funny, you should see it.

Dear Sweetie,
I am writing to ask you what lessons I have to learn regarding love and relationships. As you can see, I have nothing but squares to my Venus in Gemini in the 12th house. Love and love relationships have been so extremely painful that I am very discouraged and disgusted. Is there a karmic lesson in this? What do I have to be most careful of, before embarking on a relationship? Should I just remain single?

Dear Yearn,
You must be confusing this column with one of those freaky hippie columns. I don't give advice to you longhairs with your crazy ideas. Go back to Epcot, ya freak!

Dear Sweetie,
My girlfriend Jane broke up with me about 2 mouths ago and she went out with my cousin who is 3 years older than her. I thought I was over her, but I guess I am not, but I think she is over me. My question is should I let her go or wait for them to break up and then take my chances with her because I love her and she used to love me.

Dear Sad,
I am sure she still loves you! She is probably just with this guy to get you jealous. You just need to do something to get her attention, like wearing an "I WILL MARRY JANE" T-Shirt and writing "call me Jane" on every dollar bill you spend in hopes that it eventually gets back to her. You, sir, are a winner! That is what women look for in a suitor.

Dear Sweetie
I have been going with my girlfriend for 6 months. She is still in contact with her boyfriend she had before me, he often stays at her house, but not in her bed. Should I allow this to happen, and is it normal?

Dear Worried,
I suggest that you offer to sleep over at the same time. Then tell him that you brought matching Mork & Mindy sleeping bags for you and him. Then tell scary stories until the wee hours. After he falls asleep bludgeon him with a fire poker. Or, you can just tell your trampy girlfriend to end the sleepovers. It’s your call buddy, let me know how it goes.

Dear Sweetie,
We are good friends with our neighbors the "Smiths." Our oldest son is their youngest son's best friend. The problem is their oldest son, "Joey." Tonight we came home to find that Joey had broken into our garage and stolen the liquor we had stored there. When Mr. and Mrs. Smith confronted him, he took off.
Should we press charges? Part of me wants to throw the book at him; part of me is afraid of the repercussions. What would you do?

Dear Had,
Spit in all your liquor, it will be so gross no one will want to drink it (except hobos.) Oh wait, is he a hobo?

Post your questions for Sweetie below.

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

A Disney press release

Our Bunch O Junk investigation team has uncovered the following Disney press released, not yet available to the public.


Jonesboro, AK (PRWEB) July 15, 2004 -- A touch of history, a touch of class, and a touch of comfort will be experienced by visitors to Disney's newest theme park: Disneyland Arkansas!

Since 1954 Disney has been the world leader in theme parks and resort destinations. From Disneyland Park in California and Magic Kingdom in Florida to our less successful parks overseas, Disney is there.

And now, Disney is in Arkansas! Disney has purchased a 15 acre site (formerly known as 'the place where that Piggly Wiggly burnt down') and construction on a state of the art theme park has begun!

Many exhibits, rides and shows have already been planned.

Disney parks have been well known for their majestic castles. Disneyland features the lovely Sleeping Beauty Castle, Magic Kingdom features the towering Cinderella Castle. Disneyland Arkansas will be no exception. Upon entering guests will see Disneyland Arkansas 'castle'; The House Chevy Chase And Jonathan Taylor Thomas Lived In from the 1995 film Man of the House. Guest will marvel at the beauty of this three bedroom, colonial style dwelling.

To the left of the left of The House Chevy Chase and Jonathan Taylor Thomas Lived In will be Disney's Hall of Vice Presidents. An impressive animatronic show featuring all 43 United States Vice Presidents. They are ALL here, from Garret Hobart to Spiro Agnew. In keeping with the local flavor, all of the Vice Presidents will be depicted shirt-less, wearing John Deere hats and will chew tobacco.

Nearby is the impressive 20 Feet Under the C exhibit. Guest enter a large room with a letter 'C' painted twenty feet above them on the ceiling. Kids (and simple minded adults) will spend hours looking up and wondering 'why is there a letter c on the ceiling.' Some of the REALLY SIMPLE folks may wonder 'why is there a letter u on the ceiling?' Either way, it will be fun for the WHOLE family.

Another fine show will be based on the popular Country Bear Jamboree attraction in Florida. Due to the fact that Jamborees are a rather ordinary event in Arkansas, Disney will give the folks something more exotic. The Rasta Bear Barbecue. Seven dread locked bears will sing about how they 'shot the sheriff' as they roast a pig (who occasionally tries to get into the act, then he dies and they eat him.)

Disney's tradition of movie based rides has brought such great rides as Pinocchio's Daring Journey and Snow White's Scary Adventures. Now Disneyland Arkansas brings you The The Emperor's New Groove, a ride based on the film of the same name. The ride will tell the story of an Emperor who gets a new... uh... groove. We have no idea what that means, we never saw the film.

For the bigger kids, Disneyland Arkansas will have some thrill rides like: The Haunted Trailer Home. The ride is a 'double wide', so it should take about 8 seconds to get through.

Finally, Disney has teamed up with the music industry to create Mr. Toad The Wet Sprocket's Wild Ride. Ride along with the band 'Toad the Wet Sprocket' as they make it big with the song "All I Want"! then sink into a deep depression as they are forgotten by the music buying public and are forced to compete for Bar Mitzvah bookings with Chumbawamba and those twin nerds that sung "500 miles."

Well, that's the press release. I don't know about you, but I'm going!

Monday, June 21, 2004

Movie Box Office

Top ten films at the North American Box Office:
1. DodgeBall: A True Underdog Story $30,000,000
2. The Terminal $18,700,000
3. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban $17,412,000
4. Shrek 2 $13,600,000
5. Garfield: The Movie $11,000,000
6. The Stepford Wives $9,200,000
7. The Chronicles of Riddick $8,271,000
8. The Day After Tomorrow $7,550,000
9. Around the World in 80 Days $6,833,000
10. Troy $1,710,000

Top ten mean headlines that critics MAY HAVE used to review these films:

1. DodgeBall: A True Underdog Story $30,000,000

"Better DODGE this film, see it and you wont have a BALL"

2. The Terminal $18,700,000

"The Terminal is PLANE-ly bad"

3. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban $17,412,000

"Prisoner of Ask-a-for-a-ban on this lousy movie"

4. Shrek 2 $13,600,000

"Shrek 2, 2 bad"

5. Garfield: The Movie $11,000,000

"More like CIGAR-Field, because it stinks like an old cigar"

6. The Stepford Wives $9,200,000

"A movie in need of a DIVORCE"

7. The Chronicles of Riddick $8,271,000


8. The Day After Tomorrow $7,550,000

"The Day After Tomorrow will be better than the DAY you see this film!"

9. Around the World in 80 Days $6,833,000

"Stop this WORLD, I wanna get off!"

10. Troy $1,710,000

"Rhymes with BOY and boy does it suck!"

Top ten NICE headlines that critics MAY HAVE used to review these films:

1. DodgeBall: A True Underdog Story $30,000,000

"EVERY underDOG story HAS IT'S DAY!"

2. The Terminal $18,700,000

"The Termin-ALL, because it is all you need for entertainment!"

3. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban $17,412,000

"Azkaban is azkafantastic!"

4. Shrek 2 $13,600,000

"Shrek-tacular, full of Shrek-tatude, a Shrek-de-force"

5. Garfield: The Movie $11,000,000

"Like President James Garfield, you should HAIL to this CHIEF"

6. The Stepford Wives $9,200,000

"Walking down the aisle paved with BOX OFFICE GOLD"

7. The Chronicles of Riddick $8,271,000

"Still sucks"

8. The Day After Tomorrow $7,550,000

"Mark your DAY planner, because TOMORROW is here, and it is FABULOUS!"

9. Around the World in 80 Days $6,833,000

"Around the World, making a stop at the OSCARS, because it's a winner!"

10. Troy $1,710,000


"Arrrrgggghhhh." Riddick

Toys that stand the test of time

Remember the 'Skip it'? It was a strange plastic device that you put on your foot then you would jump over the other end.
How about the 'Trail Tracker'? That was a car that would follow a line you would draw with a special marker.
Or do you remember 'Silly Putty'?


See, new toys come out every year. Some are sucesses, some fail, but few LAST forever.

Silly Putty was invented by James Wright, a GE engineer, who discovered the toy by accident. In 1949, the material was sold under the trade name of Silly Putty, selling faster than any other toy in history with over $6 million in sales for the year. Silly Putty is still in stores and can still be used to bounce, stretch and copy any paper you press it against. If I was ever the president of a large company, I would toss out all the copy machines and replace them with boxes of Silly Putty. Of course, that is why I wont ever be president of a large company.

Known in toy circles as 'Silly Putty's retarded cousin'; Play-Doh hit stores in 1956. Its similarity to regular modeling clay without the toxicity or mess made Play-Doh a great toy. 700 million pounds of Play-Doh have been sold. If I was ever the president of a large company, I would toss out all the modeling clay and replace them with boxes of Play-Doh. Then I would do that Silly Putty thing I mentioned earlier.

You throw it, someone else catches it. Kinda like a baby, except no one really throws babies anymore.

Mr. Potato Head:
Created in 1952 as cereal prize. Enough Mr. Potato Heads have been sold in the U.S. to create an army to rise up and overthrow the carrot government.

Hula Hoop:
The hula hoop is an ancient invention that was popularized in the 1950's. Sadly there have been over 1 million Hula Hoop related deaths in America since then.

First marketed on July 12, 1960, the Etch-A-Sketch was developed in the late 1950s by Arthur Granjean. Kids would spend countless hours trying to make a straight line on them. This was considered to a factor in the 1 million American Hula Hoop deaths.

What is your favorite time tested toy?

Saturday, June 19, 2004

You say tomato... I also say tomato

You say to-may-to, say tom-mah-to?
No, I say to-may-to.
Seriously, no one says to-mah-to. We all say to-may-to. It is one of the stupidest expressions there is. Po-tah-to? Who could say that with a straight face?

"This is like taking candy from a baby." I never understood this one. Granted, babies are easy marks. They are easily distracted, and simple to overpower. But, CANDY? They LOVE candy! If you take candy from a baby they will cry and cry. Then their mommy will yell at you and hit you with her purse, then Wal-Mart security comes over and throws you out of the store and the guy sitting at the table collecting money for disabled veterans makes fun of you. Or so I heard.
So out of ALL the things one could take from a baby, CANDY is the hardest. The expression should be "this is like taking an application for a title loan extension from a baby."
That would be EASY! Babies have no need for a title loan. Plus they have no sense of TIME so they would never know that they were late and needed an extension.

"This is selling like hotcakes." I know this was covered in a previous junk. It is still worth mentioning how stupid it is. HOTCAKES? I never saw them sell with any speed. I have not seen people lined up to buy a hotcake, or pancakes, or griddle cakes, or flapjacks, or a short stack, or an application for a title loan extension.

Also covered in a previous junk is the expression "piece of cake" or "easy as pie" or "that donut is a hussy." I think this should be replaced by "easy as falling asleep during the movie Lost in Translation."

I have decided to create my own, original, old sayings:
"Don't use a toilet, unless you are prepared to flush it."
"Mondays are like boomerangs. No matter how hard you throw them they still come back to you."
"I hate Rita's Water Ice."

I feel these sayings will take off, and replace the useless old, old sayings.

Friday, June 18, 2004

Movie marathon

Have you ever been to a movie marathon?
A movie marathon is when a bunch of movies are shown back-to-back-to-back.

A marathon can be held at home, or in a theater. There are very few rules to the movie marathon.

One unbendable rule is THERE MUST BE AT LEAST THREE FILMS. Really, that's a must. Two films is just a double feature, and one film is just ONE FILM. Unless it's MARATHON MAN, then I guess it's sort of a marathon, but not really.

The other rule is that the movies should have some kind of a theme. This is more pliable than the 'three film' rule.

I suppose you could run:
The Butterfly Effect
Apollo 13
Care Bears The Motion Picture
& Hoop Dreams

You could pretend that that was movie marathon. Now a true veteran of the movie marathon would make a theme to connect these movies:
The Butterfly Effect: Butterflies have wings and can FLY.
Apollo 13: About a ship that is LAUNCHED into space.
Care Bears The Motion Picture: A bunch of bears that live on a CLOUD.
& Hoop Dreams: A documentary about basketball players with a HIGH vertical leap.

SEE! This could be the Sky High Marathon!

Another way to pick the films is to go with a series of films. This is easy to do, and the movies are pre-selected. There are obvious choices for this kind of marathon, like the Jurassic Park Trilogy, The Godfather Trilogy or Legally Blonde, Legally Blonde 2, and then just shooting yourself in the head.

Last year select theaters showed all three Lord Of The Rings films in a marathon fashion. This was sold-out QUICKLY. I assume this is because there is no joy in the world more profound then watching NINE hours of Elijah Wood while sitting next to an unemployed, date-less creep, who smells like cheese doodles and is dressed up as Elijah Wood.

I once went to a marathon of Smokey and the Bandit films. It was AWESOME. We all wore fake mustaches and played travel bingo. It was like being a young girl in Italy (except for the travel bingo and the Smokey and the Bandit films.)

You can also do a marathon of three films with the same STAR or DIRECTOR. I attended a marathon of Mr. T films, a marathon of Stallone films and a marathon of films directed by Paul Verhoven.

Whatever films are chosen, it is a good idea to have plenty of food, beverages and no FIREARMS (see Legally Blonde marathon above.)

Here are some marathon suggestions:
The Hamburger Marathon:
1. Good Burger: One of the funniest DUMB movies ever made. The film is about two guys working at a fast food restaurant who uncover an evil plot.
2. Hamburger The Motion Picture: A film about a guy who has to go to a college run by a fast food restaurant. He then uncovers an evil plot.
3. Fast Food: Jim Varney plays an evil fast food owner. Lord knows, he has an evil plot. I bet someone uncovers it.
4. Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle: This film is coming soon to a theater near you. I wasn't able to find a plot summary, but I bet it is an EVIL plot summary.


The Boy Scout Marathon (featuring movies that have nothing to do with Boy Scouts)
1. The Last Boy Scout: Damon Wayans sasses Bruce Willis.
2. For The Boys: Bette Midler sasses James Caan.
3. The Scout: Albert Brooks coaches a baseball playing Brendan Fraser, and then sasses him.
4. Sleepaway Camp 3: A camp counselor kills campers that sassed her.

Have you ever attended a movie marathon?

Thursday, June 17, 2004

Tastes like chicken... nuggets

Chicken nuggets. Commonly called 'Chicken McNuggets' EVERYWHERE by people who are too stupid to realize they're not in a McDonalds. Also called 'chicken tenders' by people who are believe they're too proper to eat a 'nugget.'

Yes fast food elitism exists. People that say 'hamburger' instead of 'burger' or 'hamburger with cheese' instead of 'cheese burger' or 'pomme frites' instead of 'french fries.' This practice was notably WIDESPREAD a few months back when 'french fries' became 'freedom fries' and 'pomme frites' became 'freedom frites.'

However, we are not here to talk about fast food elitism. We are here to talk about 'chicken nuggets.' (FYI chicken nuggets were also briefly called 'freedom nuggets' because many thought French behavior to be 'chicken.' This practice was quickly stopped because it sounded so friggin stupid.)

Chicken nuggets were invented Arthur Blaise Nugget in 1854. Nugget was a chemist who ran a small eatery out of his living room in Langhorne, Pennsylvania. The name of the eatery was "Ye Old Food Place" and business was booming. One day a customer rode into his house on a camel (camels were widely used for transportation in the 1800's before the invention of the horse.)
The man on the camel demanded to be served 'something deep fried that I can dippeth into barbecue sauce.'
Nugget went to work in his lab. He tried every piece of meat in his kitchen, and none were tasty enough. Finally he tried a piece of a cantaloupe.
Nugget brought the fried cantaloupe out to the stranger who dipped it into the barbecue sauce and exclaimed 'this is the greatest food, ever!"
Nugget's nuggets became such a hit that celebrities would order them by the dozen. Everyone from Abe Lincoln to Mark Twain had to have this 'miracle nugget.'
The newspapers exclaimed in a famous headline "Dewey Eats Nugget."
In 1984 one week before his 130th birthday, nugget was murdered and his recipe stolen. Within days, nuggets were being sold in every fast food restaurant in the world. Only now, with a new ingredient: CHICKEN!

Let's compare the chicken nuggets at some of the fast food chains:

McDonalds makes a nugget that doesn't taste like chicken. Odd, since most everything you eat can be classified as 'tastes like chicken', McDonald's nuggets don't. They also have the toughest batter coating of all the chains. You could peel that skin off and it would still keep it's shape. For some reason they are really stingy with the nugget sauce. The early nugget commercials had Ronald McDonald telling you to try to come up with sauce combinations by dipping them in multiple sauces. Now you are lucky if they give you one sweet and sour.
Also, they used to consider 'honey' one of the sauce dipping choices. Lately honey has been harder to come by.
Rating: A+

Carl's Jr.:
They used to serve chicken nuggets shaped like their 'Star' mascot. Sadly, that practice has stopped. They still make a pretty good crunchy nugget.
Rating A+

Kentucky Fried Chicken:
They don't have nuggets, rather they have 'crispy strips.' Boy are they crispy! Big, too.
Rating: A+

They used to have a commercial where they had Kool & The Gang's Celebration playing with the words 'crispy chicken nuggets' added randomly throughout the song. I still think of it whenever I hear that song.
They also buck with tradition by selling their nuggets in orders of five rather than the usual six. For this sin they will most likely be eternally damned.
Rating: A+

Burger King:
Burger King's 'chicken tenders' are neither 'tender' or 'chicken', oh wait they probably are chicken.
Why do you park in a drive way and drive on a park way. I wish I had a dollar for everyone that said that to me. I would take the dollars and buy a hammer to hit them with.
Rating: A+

Taco Bell:
No chicken nuggets here.
Rating: A+

Serves HOT DOG NUGGETS! Not really a chicken nugget, but most hot dogs have some chicken in them.
Rating: A+

What is your favorite chicken nugget?

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

The Duck That Couldn't Quack

"Quack, quack" the sounds of ducks filled the air.

Little Bobby walked through the park marveling at the beautiful park. He wished he could just take the park home with him.

His imagination started to take off.

Bobby pictured himself folding the whole park up and putting it in his backpack, just like Bugs Bunny would. Then he would take it home and keep it all for himself.

Then he pictured himself at the bank folding up all the money and putting it in his backpack, while pressing the barrel of a .45 against the head of one of the cashiers. He also imagined himself pistol whipping the security guard on his way to the door. Then he saw himself unfolding a BMW getaway car he had in his pocket and taking off.

"Bobby." said his father breaking his train of thought. "Look at this duck, it can't quack!"

"That's odd" thought Bobby. He walked over to his father, then stood there looking at the duck.

"Why come you can't quack?" said Bobby in a sentence that, albeit a grammatical nightmare, was relevant.

"Don't know" said the duck "I just never could."

"Why don't you give it a shot?" said Bobby's Dad.

"Okay." The duck replied. And with that he opened his mouth and out came a loud quack.

Bobby and his Dad looked at the duck with bewildered expressions. The duck looked even more confused.

"I'm sorry" the duck said "I must be in the wrong story." and he waddled away.

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

Gotta go back in time

Man, I love Back To The Future! All three films!

Let's take a look at Back To The Future shall we?

The film opens up with enough clocks for Doc Brown's next invention: AN ARMY OF FLAVOR FLAVS! Marty hooks up to the giant amp and is blown backwards. Moments later, Doc calls on the phone. Suddenly ALL of the clocks go off at once.

Doc: Are those my clocks I hear?
Marty: Yeah, it's 8 o'clock.
Doc: Perfect! My experiment worked, they are all exactly 25 minutes slow.

WHAT? What experiment is this? Did he send all of his clocks back in time? Did he fly the Delorean around the earth backwards to reverse the rotation of the earth and make time run backwards? Who knows, either way Marty is late for school.
Marty runs into Strickland who yells at him they bump noses. Strickland tells Marty that he is a slacker (an insult in 1985, being a slacker didn't become cool until 1993.) Strickland then tells Marty that Doc is "dangerous" and a "real nut case."
After school Marty ogles to his girlfriend and a Toyota 4x4. In all honesty, Marty never struck me as 4x4 guy. He's a short skateboarder who would need a boost to get in a 4x4. We never hear him say why he wants the truck (other than to take it to the lake and throw sleeping bags into the back.)
SUDDENLY a woman announces "Save the clock tower"
See, Mayor Goldy Wilson has started an initiative to replace the clock. The clock was damaged during the lightning storm of 1955. She is raising money to keep the clock BROKEN.
Why would they be raising money to keep the clock the way it is? How would they spend the money they raise? Are they trying to buy influence with the Goldie Wilson administration?

Woman: Goldy, I have a coffee can full of quarters for you if you don't fix that clock.
Goldy: Quarters you say? Then it's a deal. But you better not try to gyp me and give me a coffee can full of Susan B. Anthonys. That woman gives me the willies.

So, Marty comes home to find that Biff has wrecked the car, Uncle Joey is still in jail and nothing says fun like Peanut Brittle and Jackie Gleason.
At 1:15, Marty arrives at the Mall to watch Einstein the dog get sent 1 minute into the future. Doc then stands in between the tire tracks for 59 seconds. At the last second he hurries Marty out of the way of the re-appearing Delorian. Score one for Mr. Strickland, Doc is DANGEROUS!
I have often thought of what might have happened if Doc and Marty had not gotten out of the way.

List of things that would have happened if they had not gotten out of the way:

1. The Delorean would have run into Marty and Doc going 88 miles per hour pinning them against the side of Doc's van killing them instantly.
2. The Libyan’s would have shown up and taken back their plutonium.
3. Police would have shown up to find Marty and Doc dead with Einstein at the wheel of a non-functioning time machine.
4. Strickland would be interviewed on TV stating that he always "thought Doc was the dangerous one, I never knew it was the dog that was really evil!"
5. Einstein would go on a low speed chase down the 405 freeway a few days before his trial, later dubbed the 'trial of the century.'
6. Einstein would be found not guilty and devote the rest of his dog years to his pursuit of the 'real killers.'
7. Mark Furman would be revealed to be a racist that also hates dogs. He would also become a TV legal expert and bestselling author.

Whoa! Good thing they got out of the way! So Doc gets shot, Libyan’s chase him, he goes back in time, and stumbles into Lou's Coffee Shop.
Biff shows up and roughs up George. Goldy decides to run for mayor and Lou reveals that there are no cans of Pepsi-free in 1955. Too bad.
Let's look at that memorable exchange:

Lou: You gonna order something, kid?
Marty McFly: Ah, yeah... Give me a Tab.
Lou: Tab? I can't give you a tab unless you order something.
Marty McFly: Alright, give me a Pepsi Free.
Lou: You want a Pepsi, Pal, you're gonna pay for it.

Sadly, Pepsi Free and Tab jokes are lost on the newer generation of film fans. I propose that the re dub the audio for the scene thusly:

Lou: You gonna order something, kid?
Marty McFly: Ah, yeah... Give me a Red Bull.
Lou: A red bull? We don't serve those exotic meats here, only hamburger.
Marty McFly: Alright, give me a Pepsi One
Lou: You want one Pepsi, Pal, you're gonna order it correctly. No backwards talking allowed in my cafe!
Marty McFly: Alright, just give me a Sprite Remix.
Lou: That's it! I'm getting my shotgun!

Marty gets hit by a car and we find out he wears purple underwear. Do you see what I mean about him not being the 4x4 type?
So Marty goes to dinner and we find out that no one has two television sets. Lorraine asks if Marty can sleep in HER room and no one at the table bats an eyelash. It's like they are the Osbornes or something!
So, Marty goes to visit Doc. They have an extended conversation about Ronald Reagan (covered in a previous junk) and shout 'jiggowatts' a few times.
Then Doc and Marty have a conversation that makes no sense.

Marty: I can't stay here! I have a life, I have a girl in 1985.
Doc: Is she pretty?
Marty: Doc, she's beautiful. Look what she wrote here, that says it all.

Marty hands Doc the flyer that has 'I love you' and 555-3546. HOW DOES THAT SAY IT ALL? Why? Just because she claims to love him and gave him a FAKE phone number? Plus why did Doc ask if she was pretty?

Marty: I can't stay here! I have a life, I have a girl in 1985.
Doc: Is she pretty?
Marty: Actually Doc, she's friggin' ugly. But she keeps me out of detention.

Anyway, then Doc takes a close look at Marty's family photo to reveal that Marty's brother's head is missing! Apparently due to Marty's interference, Dave is being erased from existence. One would think he would vanish all at once, but instead just his head is gone.
You would assume, using that logic, that he must have been a breach birth, otherwise his feet should have vanished first.
Then Marty goes to work on getting George to ask Lorraine to the Enchantment Under The Sea Dance.
Eventually they end up back at Lou's. Marty trips Biff, and is chased out of Lou's. Marty makes a skateboard out of a cheap scooter, but is able to ride it like a pro! Biff decides to kill Marty.

Let me repeat that: Biff decides to KILL Marty.

He races his car towards Marty saying "I'm gonna ram him!" EVERYONE IN TOWN GATHERS TO WATCH.
Biff crashes into a manure truck. He doesn't go to jail. He crashes into a manure truck. In 1955 that was justice. Remember the guy that kidnapped the Lindberg baby? They found him guilty, dumped cow droppings on him and called it a day. What a world!
So Marty comes up with a plan to get his parents together and Doc tries to harness the lightning into the flux capacitor.
On the night of the dance Biff enters Marty's car and his cronies kidnap Marty and locks him in a car trunk.
Biff then forces himself on Lorraine. Biff is really gonna be in TROUBLE if they catch him this time! SEXUAL ASSAULT! They will throw 2 trucks full of cow manure on him!
George shows up and knocks Biff out cold. They all dance to Johnny B. Goode. Marvin Berry makes a call to his cousin Chuck Berry.

Marvin: Yo Chuck! Yo Chuck, it's Marvin. Your cousin Marvin Berry. You know that new sound you're looking for? Well, listen to this!

Yup. In one of the most insulting moments in film history we are asked to believe that Chuck Berry ripped off Marty McFly. Marty, a dork who dreams of having a 4x4 and wears purple underwear, created the Chuck Berry sound.
Moving ahead, the lightning bolt strikes, Marty goes back to 1985 and wakes up in bed.
He goes to breakfast, and everyone is COOL! Mom and Dad are cool. Brother Dave wears a cool suit to the office and sister Linda? She is so cool that Dave can't keep up with all her 'boyfriends.' Yes, all is well at the McFly house. Or is it?
Think about it. At the start of the film, Marty was the only cool one in a family of nerds. Now, he's the worthless guy who sleeps in his clothes and hangs out with a crazy inventor. Marty has made himself the LOSER of the family!

Then Biff comes enters the house.

Lorraine grabs the kids and runs into the other room to call the cops, but before she can dial, George shoots Biff dead.

George: That's for sexually assaulting my wife in 1955! And for trying to kill that Calvin Klein guy!

No, that's not what happened. But it should have. What kind of idiot would let Biff into his home and near his children?
So Biff prances around like RuPaul impersonating Liberace. He waxes their cars. That is his punishment. God, Biff always gets off easy!
Then Doc shows up and the ride off into the sequel.

There is one other thing I forgot to mention. In this film they swear CONSTANTLY. They don't swear like 'drunken sailors', it's more like 'tipsy Merchant Marines.' But, it is still swearing. Almost no sentence is uttered by Marty or Doc without a gratuitous 'damn' or 'hell' thrown in. They wanted to make SURE they got a PG. No G for these potty mouths! PG, please.

So, did you like Back To The Future?

Monday, June 14, 2004

Waffle House

Waffle House. My favorite place to eat. If you aren't from the south or the mid-west you may be scratching your head saying "what's Waffle House?" If you are from the south or the mid-west you may be scratching your head saying "what's wrong with chewing tobacco?" Either way you have a valid question.
Waffle House is a restaurant franchise that specializes, of course, in waffles. They offer the finest waffles you will ever taste. Really! Go make a waffle entirely out of gold. It still wont taste as good as a Waffle House waffle.
Waffle Houses are known for their giant yellow and black signs that hang high above the restaurant and are visible from the highways and turnpikes. There are TONS of Waffle Houses.
For example, in Georgia on I-78 there is a Waffle House at the following exits: exit 5, 11, 16, 18, 39, 62, 63A, 101, 112, 135, 136, 146, 149, 155, 160, 167, 171, 186, 187, 212, 216, 218, 222, 224, 228, 233, 235, 237, 239, 251, 252, 260, 261, 269, 277, 278, 290, 293, 296, 306, 312, 315, 328, 333, 336, 345, 348, 350.

Take a good look at that. That is only one highway in one state. FORTY EIGHT DIFFERENT WAFFLE HOUSES. That means that if you had a dime for every Waffle House on I-78 in Georgia, you would have 48 FREAKING DIMES.

In addition to waffles, they are known for their hash browns. The Waffle House hash browns come six ways: Traditional; Scattered & Smothered (Onions); Scattered, Smothered & Covered (Onions and Melted Cheese); Scattered, Smothered, Covered & Chunked (Onions, Cheese and Ham); Scattered, Smothered, Covered, Chunked & Topped (Onions, Cheese, Ham & Chili; Scattered, Smothered, Covered, Chunked, Topped & Diced (Onions, Cheese, Ham, Spaghettios and Gummi Worms).

They also have a juke box at Waffle House that plays such songs as 'Waffle Do Wop' and other waffle inspired tunes. To listen to them click here.

On the Waffle House website the company makes some awesome claims:

"Challenged to a test, Waffle House restaurants have found at least 70 million different ways to prepare its USDA Choice hamburgers."
"Waffle House restaurants serve more than 95 million cups of coffee each year."

WOW! Those are some pretty impressive claims. Lets take the coffee one at face value. After all, I have no perspective of 95 million coffee cups a year. Is that a lot? Sounds like it, but if they said 10 million, that would still sound like a lot.
Lets focus on the hamburger claim. First off it says that they were 'challenged', but by who? Was it just some crazy homeless guy who staggered off the street screaming "you ain't so bad Waffle House. You think you are better than me with you juke box full of waffle inspired songs. I bet you couldn't find 70 million different ways to prepare a hamburger."
If that's how it happened than I am going in saying "I bet you couldn't give me free waffles for life" or "I bet you couldn't detail my car while I eat free waffles" or "I bet you couldn't make me a car made entirely out of waffles."
But, lets assume the dare was legit. How did they come up with 70 million ways. I can think of maybe 5: with cheese, without cheese, with lettuce, without lettuce and on a roll made out a jelly donut. That's it.
How could they come up with 70 MILLION?
And how did they find the time? Even if you take 70 guys and make that their sole job. Even if those 70 guys came up with 100 ways a day that would still take them 567,254 years to finish, and that is assuming that no other crackpots distracted them with NEW challenges.

Well, regardless of their ways to prepare a hamburger (only 2 of which are on the menu) they are a great place to eat.
Waffles for everyone!
As for what's wrong with chewing tobacco?
People who use smokeless tobacco are several times more likely to be at risk for oral cancer than people who don't use tobacco. Chewing tobacco causes increased heart rate, blood pressure, and blood levels of nicotine of smokeless tobacco users are similar to those of cigarette smokers. So I would suggest smoking cigarettes as a healthier alternative to chewing tobacco.

Friday, June 11, 2004

Remake me a cake

Remakes. The movie houses are crazy with them right now.

Also, I like cake.

The Ladykillers, the Cohen brothers/Tom Hanks vehicle, was a remake of an older film by the same name. I wonder if that had 'Laughing Guy' in it like the remake did. If you don't remember 'Laughing Guy' go back and read the The Ten Greatest Minor Characters In Movie History.

One of my favorite remakes was Psycho. I know, I know, everyone hated it. But I liked it. I thought it was really neat to see that story played out by different people. I also liked Disney's remake of Mighty Joe Young, because it had Mini-me (Vern Troyer) in a gorilla suit.

There have been some remakes that I didn't like.

I thought the 1998 version of Godzilla was just embarrassing. Mayor Ebert? Oh, I get it. The guy gives him a thumbs down. That was really funny. Ha ha ha ha. Mayor Ebert. Thumbs down Mayor Ebert. Way down. Ha ha ha. That is really clever. See, he looks like Roger Ebert, but he is MAYOR Ebert. I think that is soooooo funny. Ha ha ha. O.K., I am officially annoyed at MYSELF.

I also did not like the Marky Mark version of Planet Of The Apes. Oh I get it. The Lincoln statue has an ape head. Ha ha h- wait a minute. I don't get it. I don't get it at all. Now I am annoyed at Marky Mark.

Now back to cakes.

I had some Tortuga Rum Cake today. It was INCREDIBLE. It tasted like having a supermodel buttering my tongue (don't hide the kids; That joke is not dirty, just stupid.)
I never had rum cake before. They make it with real rum, but they say due to the heating process only 0.05% of the alcohol remains. That meant I had to eat 7 1/2 cakes to get a serious buzz going, but it was worth it.

Cookie Puss is my other favorite cake.

Isn't he adorable! You may remember the commercials that Carvel put out for Cookie Puss in the early 80's. Well, Cookie Puss is still around. I had one recently. We all chanted and shook chicken bones in the air before we disected him and sent him to the great freezer in the sky. He tasted AWESOME. I usually don't like ice cream cake.
Ice cream cake always seems like a rip off. I want ice cream AND cake. Ice cream cake is like going to McDonalds and getting a hamburger made out of FRENCH FRIES. It would probably be great, but it's not the same as getting a hamburger AND fries.
But Cookie Puss is awesome. Great tasting ice cream and lots of that crunchy stuff that looks like coffee grounds. COOKIE PUSS! Get one.

I had Choco-diles the other day. They are chocolate covered Twinkies. CHOCOLATE COVERED TWINKIES! That is like having bacon COVERED sausage, INCREDIBLE. Choco-diles are hard to find today, as they are only produced in 3 regions of the U.S. If you ever see one, grab it.

The phrase 'piece of cake' refers to something easy. Apparently the origin of the phrase comes from the days when cake was a luxury. Back then people who had cake had it easy. Since cake really isn't a luxury anymore, the phrase is kinda stupid now.
Cake isn't that easy to eat. You need a fork, you have to chew and sometimes you spill some on your shirt. Eating pop rocks is EASY. They dissolve right in your mouth and they put on a small special effects show in there to boot. Yup the phrase should be changed to 'piece of Pop Rocks.'

What is your favorite cake or remake?
Post a comment, it's as easy as Pop Rocks.

Thursday, June 10, 2004


Cicadas! I have been going cicada crazy lately!

For those that don't know, cicadas are locust-like bugs that crawl up from the ground every 17 years. The only appear in 14 states along the eastern seabord. They are BIG ugly bugs with red eyes. They travel in swarms and make noise that sounds like a Gillete beard trimmer giving BIRTH to a chainsaw. BUZZZZZ BUZZZZZ.

Then they die.

You can barely walk without stepping on the crunchy carcasses of the cicada. The bugs are annoying and make awful noise; Not unlike pop star John Secada, but thats another story.

For some reason I have grown fond of them (the bugs not the songs of John Secada) because it just seems like something out of a sci-fi movie. Like Starship Troopers combined with... the music of pop star John Secada.

Let's get back to the death of the cicada. See the bugs live underground living off tree roots for 17 years and then they burrow out and then mate. The males die right after mating and the females die after laying thier eggs. Yup, thats why you see dead cicadas, because they were doin' it.

MALE CICADA #1: Buzzzz Hey Buddy!
MALE CICADA #2: What's up? Buzzzzzz
MALE CICADA #1: Buzzzz I just got lucky! I met this-
MALE CICADA #2: Hey! Are you okay? Buzzzz Hello? Help! I need a doctor! Buzzzz My friend is dead!

That is really sad. So we have a bunch of dead cicadas and what do people do?


The internet is full of websites of recipies for the giant bugs. People put them on pizza, and dip them in salsa and EAT them. This sounds crazy but people will eat anything. Look at mushrooms. A fungus that grows on cow manure and people eat them. Restaurants serve them! They list it in the ingredients of soup like they are PROUD of it!
So if you can eat fungus that grows on cow manure, why not a cicada? Not me, though. I once swallowed a gnat. That's more than enough bug for me.

Other Bugs:

"Bugsy" Siegel: "Bugsy" Siegel was a notorious mobster that created Las Vegas. He was portrayed in the 1991 film by Warren Beatty.

Bugs Bunny: Famous cartoon rabbit. Was the third choice behind Yogi Berra and Yosemitie Samma as a name for Mr. and Mrs. Berra son [they eventually went with Yogi Berra.]

Bug Hall: Actor, starred as Alfalfa in the 1994 film The Little Rascals. He also played Buster Stupid in The Stupids.

RELATED VIEWING: If you like cicadas, you will love the 1978 film The Bees.
The plot of The Bees is: humans have been poisoning the air for so many years that nature has fought back by sending us KILLER BEES. Now if that doesn't grab you how about this: This film features a swarm of bees addressing the United Nations, as Angel Thompkin's screams "You have to listen! You have to listen (sic) what the bees are trying to tell you!" I really had fun watching this, but I am truly amazed at how bad it is. There are surprising continuity errors. (In one scene hit men shoot a man as he is sitting in a chair. In the next shot, it's a different older chair.) Many of the shot's of the bee swarms look like they are just clouds of smoke. However, Nightmare On Elm Street's John Saxon is in it, and Claudio Brooks gets hit in the head with a rock. All in all I highly recommend it.

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

People named Stewart

Obscure Trivia about celebrities named Stewart

Jon Stewart (Host of The Daily Show): Once had a job studying mosquitoes for the NJ Department of Health.

French Stewart (Actor, Third Rock from the Sun): Played Yogi Bear in a children’s show, but was fired for removing the costume head in front of children.

Payne Stewart (Late golfer, famous for his traditional attire): His father taught him to dance by having him stand on his shoes

Stewart Copeland (Musician, member of The Police): He is fluent in Arabic.

Patrick Stewart (Actor, Star Trek, X-Men): Found a cat on the set of Star Trek: TNG and kept her as a pet.

Martha Stewart (Ruler of the Martha Stewart Living Empire): During college, Martha worked as a model to pay her tuition.

Rod Stewart (Musician): Was a former professional soccer player before becoming a musician.

Jimmy Stewart (Actor, It’s A Wonderful Life): Played the Accordion.

Ronald Reagan, the pop culture President

During a week of memorials and tributes to our nation's 40th president, Ronald Reagan, many thoughts have gone through my mind. "Isn't it amazing that a movie star became president?", "what would the 80's have been like WITHOUT Ronald Reagan" and "why can't I have cookies for breakfast?"

Ronald Reagan's presence in the 1980's transcended politics in a major way. All forms of entertainment are FILLED with references to Ronnie. Why? Maybe it is because he was a President AND an Actor. Really, that is something. In our culture there are two things that we REALLY like to do; ridicule the famous and those in authority. Reagan was both, and perhaps that is why he was EVERYWHERE. Don't believe me? Try watching an episode of 'Punky Brewster' WITHOUT a President Reagan joke. I doubt such an episode exists- except maybe the one where Punky's friend shuts herself in a refrigerator during a game of hide and seek. That was too sad for such frivolities as political humor.

Anyway here are some of my favorite Reagan references:

BACK TO THE FUTURE: Man, this trilogy was goofy for Ronnie! Starting with when Marty meets Doc Brown in 1955. To find out if Marty was REALLY from the future he asks him "who's President of the United States in 1985?"
Marty responds "Ronald Reagan"
Doc is INCREDULOUS! "Ronald Reagan, the actor? Who's Vice President? Jerry Lewis?... I suppose Jane Wyman is the First Lady and Jack Benny is Secretary of State."

Great stuff. But look closer about how this conversation starts:

"who's President of the United States in 1985?"

It's not really the first question I would have asked.
Think about it, how could that possibly HELP Doc determine the truth about Marty's time travel claims. What if Marty had come a few years earlier.
Doc: So tell me, future boy, who's President of the United States in 1980?
Marty: Jimmy Carter
Doc: Jimmy Carter? Hmmm. I never heard of him. Maybe you ARE from the future!
Marty: Yup and Walter Mondale is Vice President, Rosalyn Carter is first lady and Edmund S. Muskie is Secretary of Stater.
Doc: What? Now I know you are lying. No one would name their kid Edmund S. Muskie.

But that wasn't the end of Marty's connection with Reagan. In part 2 Marty enters the Cafe 80's and is greeted by a TV monitor featuring a Max Headroom-esque Ronald Reagan. Hilarity ensues.

ALF: In a classic episode, Pennsylvania 6-5000, Alf uses Willie's short wave radio to call Air Force One. Alf then demands to speak to the President and what follows is a series of misunderstandings and coincidences absurd enough to make the cast of Three's Company blush.
When I saw this as a child, I really thought that Reagan had guest starred on this show, I also thought that paste tasted good.

ALF: I'm calling to talk about your bombs.
REAGAN: Are you talking about the 'Bonzo' pictures? I was under contract, I had no choice!

HALL OF PRESIDENTS: I love the Hall Of Presidents. It is so cool to see all the Presidents hanging out, and Reagan is among them. Reagan's history with the Disney organization goes way back. He was one of the hosts on opening day at Disneyland in fabulous Anaheim California.
They have a similar attraction in Disneyland Paris. In the Paris version all of the Presidents are wearing berets, drinking and shouting "We are, how you say, zee presidents." They also smell like they need a shower.

DIFF'RENT STROKES: A classic episode featured guest star Nancy Reagan encouraging the Gary Coleman, Dana Plato and Todd Bridges to "Just Say No." In case you are wondering, they didn't listen. My favorite part is when she talks to the President on the phone.

NANCY: I love you... well, if I can say it in front of total strangers, you can say it in front of Tip O'Neil.

Rappin' Ron and Ray Gun. I always thought it was pretty lame that GPK printed the same card twice with two different names, causing you to buy the same thing more than once. The Rappin' Ron card is quite tame for Garbage Pail Kids. He doesn't have a runny nose, or a fork in his eye. Instead he just stands behind a podium throwing his hands in the air and waving 'em like he just don't care. See, that's what rappers do, and Rappin' Ron is no exception.
Rappin' Ron's counterpart Ray Gun is less inspired. Ray Gun? Oh, I get it! They broke his name down into two separate words, creating a homonym composed of two non sequiturs. [By the way that is most intelligent sounding sentence ever written about Garbage Pail Kids since the day Topps issued a press release saying "Garbage Pail Kids are stickers AND cards, two treats in one!"]

I could go on and on with this. The sheer number of references to President Reagan in sitcoms, movies and comic books is staggering, and that itself is a fitting memorial.

Godspeed President Reagan.

For a related junk about Abe Lincoln click here.

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

He-Man of the people

In the 1980's He-Man was EVERYWHERE, and why not? He-man was an awesome man with a monster physique and a fantastic tan. He was just like Hulk Hogan only with more hair.

I was a fan. I had all tons of figures. I was often disappointed with them, they seemed to have trouble translating the cartoon into action figure form. They made Man-At-Arms without his mustache, they made Orko too tall and they gave Hulk Hogan too much hair and no mustache.

He-man lives on Eternia. All males on Eternia have the exact same body. Really! That made making the figures rather easy for Mattel. All they needed to do was use a different color and a different head.
If you think about it, He-Man appears very muscular to us, but on his planet he was only average size. On Eternia everyone from the commander of the Royal Guard to the local dentist is on steroids. Maybe it is in the water.

He-Man's rival is Skeletor, a man with a muscular body and a skeleton face. I am still perplexed as to how he functions. Without blood flow to the face, how does his head warm in the winter? And how does his brain communicate with his body? Is he slowly deteriorating head first? I don't know.

Orko is the palace magician. He looks like a troll wearing a hat and a nightshirt. Orko's shirt has a big 'O' on it. I always wondered if he and Alvin of the Chipmunks were in a club together with bunch of other guys with letter shirts. Maybe they would go to sporting events and spell out the teams name.

Maybe the letters are used the same as they were in the Scarlet Letter perhaps Alvin committed the sin of adultery and must wear the letter 'A' on it. What did Orko do to get the 'O' on his shirt? Maybe it was "offering a false instrument for filing in the second degree." That Orko, always up to no good!

I started watching old episodes again and I am constantly amused by them. I saw one the other day where the circus comes to Eternia.
Skeletor wants the circus to perform for him. I don't know why, he has his own Beastman, a man with three eyes and a man that eats metal.
Why would Eternia have a circus anyway? Is an elephant really going to seem that unusual on a planet where people can turn into birds?
Either way, Skeletor goes to stop the circus so He-Man challenges him to a performance on the flying trapeze. He-Man wins and Skeletor ends up siting on a firework that propels him through the top of the tent. I swear this all happened. I even had someone check my temperature to verify that it wasn't a fever dream.

It was strange, but still WAY better than Masters Of The Universe: The Motion Picture.

Monday, June 07, 2004

Gonzales-Gonzales and Hunkee

Fame is weird, isn't it?
I saw Soul Plane the other day. Very funny movie. Unfortunatly despite the title Don Cornelius is NOT in this film, but Tom Arnold is.

Tom plays Mr. Hunkee. It is pronuced HONKY. Get it? He just came back from a vacation and is flying on the Soul Plane. Wanna know where he went on vacation? CRACKER Land! Wow, aren't the writers of Soul Plane subtle?
Anyway, it was great to see Tom Arnold on a movie screen. Tom was in one of my all time favorite DUMB films; The Stupids.

The plot of The Stupids is pretty, well, stupid. Stanley Stupid (Tom Arnold) wakes up to find that his garbage was stolen right out of the can. He vows to get to the bottom of this conspiracy. It contains some of the craziest scenes ever put on film, Captain Kangaroo, Jenny McCarthy and the worst acting EVER by an extra. His name was Max Landis.

Max is the son of The Stupids director John Landis. He is spray painting a wall, when he gets a bucket of paint dumped on him. He turns to the camera and before he even opens his mouth I was stunned by his bad acting. He hadn't SAID anything yet. He couldn't convincingly act like he had paint dumped on him, even though he HAD paint dumped on him.

Max was a lucky guy, his dad is a famous director and he gets put to the front of the line regardless of his lack of ability. Millions of other kids are trying to become actors and he gets the part. Other budding actors are eating nothing but sandwiches made from cigarettes to STUNT thier growth and making cute faces until thier cheeks BLEED, but we get Max Landis.

Max got a lucky break, so did Tom Arnold. Tom married Rosanne Barr and next thing you know he was a star. Years later Nicole Kidman would try this same thing; sadly for Nicole, Rosanne Barr wasn't interested and she had to marry Tom Cruise instead.

This brings to mind the fascinating case of Pedro Gonzales-Gonzales. Pedro appeared as a contestant on Grouch Marx's You Bet Your Life and what followed was one of the funniest moments in game show history.

Pedro was the perfect straight man to Groucho, and the audience responded in a big way.

Groucho:If we got together as an act, what would it be called?
Pedro: Gonzales-Gonzales and Marx
Groucho: Do you believe that? Two men in the act, and I get third billing!

Legend has it that after the show, John Wayne contacted him and put him in several films. Pedro has since appeared in over 30 feature films from 1953-1995 (most notably Rio Bravo and The Love Bug). Talk about stretching your fifteen minutes of fame!

More recently we have had the whirlwind post game show sucess of Colleen Haskell. Colleen was one of the pretty girls on Survivor.
After the show she became the best example of stunt casting since Hulk Hogan in Mr. Nanny as she played the female lead in the Rob Schneider film The Animal.

If you want to see Colleen in a movie theater again, you're in luck. Go see Garfield. She will be attending the 6pm show at the El Capitain in Hollywood. Get there early and you can sit next to her.

Friday, June 04, 2004

Pop Culture Personality Test

1. What would you rather drive every day:
a)a Nascar racecar
b)an Ice Cream Truck

2. Who would you rather meet:
a)Al Pacino
b)Al Martino

3. Who would you rather live with:
a)Norm on Cheers
b)Norman Fell

4. Which nickname would you rather have:
a)Lord Of The Dance
b)Snoop Doggy

5. What occupation do you prefer:
a)kamikaze Pilot
b)Paparazzi Photographer

6. What telephone number would you like to have:

7. Who would you rather arm wrestle:
a)Dick Van Dyke
b)Dick Van Patten

8. If you needed surgery on your patella who would you hire:
a)Dr. Teeth
b)Dr. Demento

9. Pick one:

10. Who would you borrow clothes from:
a)Colonel Mustard from Clue
b)Colonel Sanders from KFC

11. Which would you rather pay $10 for:
a)a Shriner's Fez
b)an Ewok Pez

12. Who would you cast your vote for:
a)President Samuel L. Jackson
b)President George Clinton

13. Who would you rather share an appetizer with?
a)Don Knotts
b)Don Adams

14. Which would you rather watch on a long flight:
a)ET Entertainment Tonight
b)E.T. The Extra Terrestrial

15. On a job application how would you rather categorize yourself:
a)a Deadhead
b)a Hulk-a-maniac

SCORING: Score yourself 2 points for each 'a' except for the even numbered questions. On the even numbered questions score 3.5 points for each 'b' answer and 1 point for each 'a' answer. On the odd numbered questions score 4 points for each 'a' answer and 2 points for each 'b' answer. If numbers 1, 2, 7, and 8 were all scored 'a' give yourself an extra 2 points, unless you answered 'a' for number 14. Number 2 and number 5 should have their point values doubled regardless of what the answer, unless you already received the bonus for numbers 1, 2, 7, and 8. Question 6 should always be scored as a 4 points unless your score (to that point) ends in a 1 or 0. Once you have finished calculating your score, multiply it by 0.8.

Your outlook on pop culture is poor. You need to read more magazines, and walk more often.
You know your stuff, but you lack clear decision making skills. Borrow that other guys magazines when he is done with them, and take a walk with him once and a while.
You are really obsessed with Hulk Hogan (or Dick Van Patten) and that is unhealthy. Please retake the test in the middle of the night.
18-56 POINTS
You are a pop culture EXPERT. Please email me so I can give you my user name and password. Then you can write for this silly web page and I can go back to my former career as a Rodeo Clown.
56 POINTS and higher
You cheated. You should be ashamed of yourself. There are only 56 possible points that could be earned. You really are a jerk (or bad with math).

Thursday, June 03, 2004

Pop-up goes the weasel

This site doesn't many of them. In many ways that is a shame! I have begun to EMBRACE the pop-up ad.

Pop-up ads make me laugh. My favorite ones are the contest ones where they show you three photos and ask you: Which one is Spider-man? Click the correct one and win a DVD player.
The photos will be of Harry Potter, Spider-man and Mick Fleetwood.
Oh boy! This is a tough one. I clicked on Harry Potter. It said "Sorry, try again", so I clicked on Mick. "Sorry, try again", back to Potter. "Sorry, try again", so I click Harry Potter again.
The pop up then took me to a page that said "Thanks for playing our game! You win a DVD player." So you fill out pages and pages, and what do you get? A strange desire to see Mick Fleetwood fight crime, and not much else.


I notice that they have started to change these. I bet too many people were guessing wrong. Asking people to pick Arnold Schwarzenegger out of a line up with Condoleeza Rice and Gray Davis was too hard for the average Internet user.

So they made the contests easier. "Are gas prices too high? True or false?" Or "If this banner is flashing you win $500!"
I like to click on those and then type "My banner was not flashing. I will try again next time."

I have gotten pop-up ads advertising hidden cameras. They ads always look very similar.
In the middle they have the details (price, size, etc.) On one side they show a man dressed like a burglar trying to break into a window. On the other side is a beautiful lady in a bikini.

Why don't they just come out and say it "Weather you need home security, or are just a PERVERT you will want our camera!"

Speaking of security I have gotten pop-ups that say "Your computer contains spy ware." I thought that was pretty cool. My computer is like James Bond, and it never had to go through an AWKWARD George Lazenby stage.

But, the ads must work. Someone must be buying their product. If not, the ads would stop. This doesn't surprise me either. Us human can be talked into anything.

Case in point: The Superbowl.
Every year all you hear for 2 months is about the Superbowl. What will happen, what did happen and what the best part was.

They are not talking about the GAME. They are talking about the COMMERCIALS.

This is stupid. All year round when a commercial comes on people change the channel. They flip through every channel on a three hundred channel satellite dish just to get away from the commercial.

But, one day a year, they love them.

I am going to start doing this with other shows.

Some guy: Hey Guy! Did you see American Idol?
Me: Not really, but those commercials were awesome! Did you see the one with the Pepsi can that could burp. That was awesome!
Some guy: I hate you and your website sucks.

Or maybe I should start doing this with books.

Some guy: Hey Guy, I'm sorry I told you I hated you and your website.
Me: That's OK. Have you read Steven King's latest book?
Some guy: Yeah did you like the end?
Me: I didn't read the end. But the page with the country of first publication info, and the Dewey Decimal System number, that rocked.
Some guy: I hate you, buy I love the Dewey Decimal System. I feel torn.
Me: I'm gonna key your car.

What commercial do you hate?

Wednesday, June 02, 2004

Name that Stallone

Stallone has had the coolest character names of any actor that has ever lived. EVER.

I decided to rank them, not based on the quality of the movie, or of his performance. Just the name.

I also choose to leave John Rambo and Rocky Balboa of the list. They would have obviously been number one and number two (or number two and number one.)

10. Nighthawks (1981) .... Det. Sgt. Deke DaSilva
Deke DaSilva wasn't going to be happy as only a Det. or a Sgt. No, Deke was both. Stallone, who sports a beard in this film, still needed more of a name than Det. Sgt. DaSilva. So what better first name than Deke.
In the dictionary Deke is defined as: A fake, intended to deceive a member of an opposing team.
Perhaps he only PRETENDED to be a Sgt. to fool the Det.'s. We may never know.

9. Paradise Alley (1978) .... Cosmo Carboni
1978 was a good year to be a Carboni. In addition to Stallone's portrayal, a TV movie called Getting Married featured a Carboni clan consisting of a Sylvia, Michael and Burt.
Carboni is Italian for 'carbons', which in 1978 were widely used to make COPIES. Was there a deeper meaning in his name? Was Cosmo merely a copy of Burt from Getting Married?

8. Tango & Cash (1989) .... Raymond 'Ray' Tango
It takes two to tango, and with a partner named Cash, Ray Tango was seconded. I'm not sure what I meant by that but it sounded somewhat poetic.
I never really liked the title of this film. I thought Stallone's Character should have been Ray Carry. Then they could have called the film Shrek 2.

7. Cop Land (1997) .... Sheriff Freddy Heflin
Sheriff Freddy Heflin shared the proud last name of Alabama Senator Howell Heflin (1978-1997).
Sen. Heflin began his service to this country during World War II as a U.S. Marine in the Pacific Theater. There he was wounded twice and was awarded the Silver Star. As a senator he was so well respected that Progressive Farmer Magazine named him "Man of the Year" for his advocacy of America’s farmers and their products.
Hmmm. Maybe this should have been a list of Sen. Heflin's 10 greatest achievements.

6. Rhinestone (1984) .... Nick Martinelli
After coming to Ellis Island, many immigrants from all over Europe shortened their names to become more American. People with names like Guesepollini became George, Martinelli became Martin and for reasons still unclear Margaret became Peg.
The name Nick Martin is a fine name for a regular guy. You could shoot pool with a Nick Martin, you could share an appetizer with Nick Martin, you might even start a comedy stilt walking act with Nick Martin. Yup Nick Martin is a fine name for a regular guy.
Stallone, however, is no regular guy. He is a Nick MARTINELLI kind of guy, and that is why we love him!

5. Oscar (1991) .... Angelo 'Snaps' Provolone
Provolone cheese is made by kneading the curd while it's still hot, a process that makes the curd firm and elastic, and though it becomes quite hard as it ages, it does not become crumbly. This is a fine name for Stallone and his Oscar family.
Although a minor character in the 1988 comedy Johnny Be Goode had the last name Provolone, no other film has ever featured anyone with the nickname 'Snaps'! This part was really a fine one for Stallone finishing just behind Snoop Doggy Dog and Vin Diesel for the silliest name ever!

4. Daylight (1996) .... Kit Latura
Again Stallone is in a class by himself. It seems that no one was ever featured in a film with the name Latura.

3. Judge Dredd (1995) .... Judge Joseph Dredd
Names rarely get any cooler than Judge Dredd. It is a testament to Stallone that this is only #3 on his list.

2. Cobra (1986) .... Lieutenant Marion 'Cobra' Cobretti

Marion Cobretti, the Cobra. Like John Wayne and the Mom on Happy Days, he was named Marion.
As you may have guessed, no one else has ever graced the silver screen (or TV, or vaudeville I bet) with the name Cobretti.

1. Death Race 2000 (1975) .... Machine-Gun Joe Viterbo
As if Machine-Gun Joe wasn't a cool enough name, he has the last name Viterbo. It almost rhymes!
Now, Joe Viterbo on its own would not merit a number one slot on this list. Add the Machine-Gun, however and it is Stallone gold! Try adding Machine Gun to any name and see what the results are:
Machine-Gun Benjamin Franklin
Machine-Gun Joe Piscipo
Machine-Gun Sharri Lewis and Machine-Gun Lambchops.

Yeah. I feel sorry for people having to pick names for their newborn children. All the good names were taken, by Stallone.