Wednesday, June 02, 2004

Name that Stallone

Stallone has had the coolest character names of any actor that has ever lived. EVER.

I decided to rank them, not based on the quality of the movie, or of his performance. Just the name.

I also choose to leave John Rambo and Rocky Balboa of the list. They would have obviously been number one and number two (or number two and number one.)

10. Nighthawks (1981) .... Det. Sgt. Deke DaSilva
Deke DaSilva wasn't going to be happy as only a Det. or a Sgt. No, Deke was both. Stallone, who sports a beard in this film, still needed more of a name than Det. Sgt. DaSilva. So what better first name than Deke.
In the dictionary Deke is defined as: A fake, intended to deceive a member of an opposing team.
Perhaps he only PRETENDED to be a Sgt. to fool the Det.'s. We may never know.

9. Paradise Alley (1978) .... Cosmo Carboni
1978 was a good year to be a Carboni. In addition to Stallone's portrayal, a TV movie called Getting Married featured a Carboni clan consisting of a Sylvia, Michael and Burt.
Carboni is Italian for 'carbons', which in 1978 were widely used to make COPIES. Was there a deeper meaning in his name? Was Cosmo merely a copy of Burt from Getting Married?

8. Tango & Cash (1989) .... Raymond 'Ray' Tango
It takes two to tango, and with a partner named Cash, Ray Tango was seconded. I'm not sure what I meant by that but it sounded somewhat poetic.
I never really liked the title of this film. I thought Stallone's Character should have been Ray Carry. Then they could have called the film Shrek 2.

7. Cop Land (1997) .... Sheriff Freddy Heflin
Sheriff Freddy Heflin shared the proud last name of Alabama Senator Howell Heflin (1978-1997).
Sen. Heflin began his service to this country during World War II as a U.S. Marine in the Pacific Theater. There he was wounded twice and was awarded the Silver Star. As a senator he was so well respected that Progressive Farmer Magazine named him "Man of the Year" for his advocacy of America’s farmers and their products.
Hmmm. Maybe this should have been a list of Sen. Heflin's 10 greatest achievements.

6. Rhinestone (1984) .... Nick Martinelli
After coming to Ellis Island, many immigrants from all over Europe shortened their names to become more American. People with names like Guesepollini became George, Martinelli became Martin and for reasons still unclear Margaret became Peg.
The name Nick Martin is a fine name for a regular guy. You could shoot pool with a Nick Martin, you could share an appetizer with Nick Martin, you might even start a comedy stilt walking act with Nick Martin. Yup Nick Martin is a fine name for a regular guy.
Stallone, however, is no regular guy. He is a Nick MARTINELLI kind of guy, and that is why we love him!

5. Oscar (1991) .... Angelo 'Snaps' Provolone
Provolone cheese is made by kneading the curd while it's still hot, a process that makes the curd firm and elastic, and though it becomes quite hard as it ages, it does not become crumbly. This is a fine name for Stallone and his Oscar family.
Although a minor character in the 1988 comedy Johnny Be Goode had the last name Provolone, no other film has ever featured anyone with the nickname 'Snaps'! This part was really a fine one for Stallone finishing just behind Snoop Doggy Dog and Vin Diesel for the silliest name ever!

4. Daylight (1996) .... Kit Latura
Again Stallone is in a class by himself. It seems that no one was ever featured in a film with the name Latura.

3. Judge Dredd (1995) .... Judge Joseph Dredd
Names rarely get any cooler than Judge Dredd. It is a testament to Stallone that this is only #3 on his list.

2. Cobra (1986) .... Lieutenant Marion 'Cobra' Cobretti

Marion Cobretti, the Cobra. Like John Wayne and the Mom on Happy Days, he was named Marion.
As you may have guessed, no one else has ever graced the silver screen (or TV, or vaudeville I bet) with the name Cobretti.

1. Death Race 2000 (1975) .... Machine-Gun Joe Viterbo
As if Machine-Gun Joe wasn't a cool enough name, he has the last name Viterbo. It almost rhymes!
Now, Joe Viterbo on its own would not merit a number one slot on this list. Add the Machine-Gun, however and it is Stallone gold! Try adding Machine Gun to any name and see what the results are:
Machine-Gun Benjamin Franklin
Machine-Gun Joe Piscipo
Machine-Gun Sharri Lewis and Machine-Gun Lambchops.

Yeah. I feel sorry for people having to pick names for their newborn children. All the good names were taken, by Stallone.


  1. Great list! And my favorite Sly charcter is at the top of it. The most amazing thing though, is that you could probably have made it a top 20 or 21, heck maybe even 25 list!

  2. "Stanley Rosiello" from Flatbush is the only name I would add.
    Great list! Stallone is DA MAN!

  3. Anonymous9/28/2004

    Funny list. I was never a big fan of Stallone, but you can not deny the brilliance of these names!

  4. Snaps Provalone "finishing just behind Snoop Doggy Dog and Vin Diesel for the silliest name ever!" This is the funniest line I have ever read on this site!


  6. Stallone to the heart, but got love for all
    Lie and die with Rocky, where I learned to ball
    Uptown is the place where I lay my dome
    In Paradise Alley where my fa-mi-ly roam
    Hoe damn it, we home, Sly got a nine millimeter
    Playa haters can feel the flame from my heater
    Yo why ain't Spy Kids 3 on this list