Tuesday, June 15, 2004

Gotta go back in time

Man, I love Back To The Future! All three films!

Let's take a look at Back To The Future shall we?


The film opens up with enough clocks for Doc Brown's next invention: AN ARMY OF FLAVOR FLAVS! Marty hooks up to the giant amp and is blown backwards. Moments later, Doc calls on the phone. Suddenly ALL of the clocks go off at once.

Doc: Are those my clocks I hear?
Marty: Yeah, it's 8 o'clock.
Doc: Perfect! My experiment worked, they are all exactly 25 minutes slow.

WHAT? What experiment is this? Did he send all of his clocks back in time? Did he fly the Delorean around the earth backwards to reverse the rotation of the earth and make time run backwards? Who knows, either way Marty is late for school.
Marty runs into Strickland who yells at him they bump noses. Strickland tells Marty that he is a slacker (an insult in 1985, being a slacker didn't become cool until 1993.) Strickland then tells Marty that Doc is "dangerous" and a "real nut case."
After school Marty ogles to his girlfriend and a Toyota 4x4. In all honesty, Marty never struck me as 4x4 guy. He's a short skateboarder who would need a boost to get in a 4x4. We never hear him say why he wants the truck (other than to take it to the lake and throw sleeping bags into the back.)
SUDDENLY a woman announces "Save the clock tower"
See, Mayor Goldy Wilson has started an initiative to replace the clock. The clock was damaged during the lightning storm of 1955. She is raising money to keep the clock BROKEN.
Why would they be raising money to keep the clock the way it is? How would they spend the money they raise? Are they trying to buy influence with the Goldie Wilson administration?

Woman: Goldy, I have a coffee can full of quarters for you if you don't fix that clock.
Goldy: Quarters you say? Then it's a deal. But you better not try to gyp me and give me a coffee can full of Susan B. Anthonys. That woman gives me the willies.

So, Marty comes home to find that Biff has wrecked the car, Uncle Joey is still in jail and nothing says fun like Peanut Brittle and Jackie Gleason.
At 1:15, Marty arrives at the Mall to watch Einstein the dog get sent 1 minute into the future. Doc then stands in between the tire tracks for 59 seconds. At the last second he hurries Marty out of the way of the re-appearing Delorian. Score one for Mr. Strickland, Doc is DANGEROUS!
I have often thought of what might have happened if Doc and Marty had not gotten out of the way.

List of things that would have happened if they had not gotten out of the way:

1. The Delorean would have run into Marty and Doc going 88 miles per hour pinning them against the side of Doc's van killing them instantly.
2. The Libyan’s would have shown up and taken back their plutonium.
3. Police would have shown up to find Marty and Doc dead with Einstein at the wheel of a non-functioning time machine.
4. Strickland would be interviewed on TV stating that he always "thought Doc was the dangerous one, I never knew it was the dog that was really evil!"
5. Einstein would go on a low speed chase down the 405 freeway a few days before his trial, later dubbed the 'trial of the century.'
6. Einstein would be found not guilty and devote the rest of his dog years to his pursuit of the 'real killers.'
7. Mark Furman would be revealed to be a racist that also hates dogs. He would also become a TV legal expert and bestselling author.

Whoa! Good thing they got out of the way! So Doc gets shot, Libyan’s chase him, he goes back in time, and stumbles into Lou's Coffee Shop.
Biff shows up and roughs up George. Goldy decides to run for mayor and Lou reveals that there are no cans of Pepsi-free in 1955. Too bad.
Let's look at that memorable exchange:

Lou: You gonna order something, kid?
Marty McFly: Ah, yeah... Give me a Tab.
Lou: Tab? I can't give you a tab unless you order something.
Marty McFly: Alright, give me a Pepsi Free.
Lou: You want a Pepsi, Pal, you're gonna pay for it.

Sadly, Pepsi Free and Tab jokes are lost on the newer generation of film fans. I propose that the re dub the audio for the scene thusly:

Lou: You gonna order something, kid?
Marty McFly: Ah, yeah... Give me a Red Bull.
Lou: A red bull? We don't serve those exotic meats here, only hamburger.
Marty McFly: Alright, give me a Pepsi One
Lou: You want one Pepsi, Pal, you're gonna order it correctly. No backwards talking allowed in my cafe!
Marty McFly: Alright, just give me a Sprite Remix.
Lou: That's it! I'm getting my shotgun!

Marty gets hit by a car and we find out he wears purple underwear. Do you see what I mean about him not being the 4x4 type?
So Marty goes to dinner and we find out that no one has two television sets. Lorraine asks if Marty can sleep in HER room and no one at the table bats an eyelash. It's like they are the Osbornes or something!
So, Marty goes to visit Doc. They have an extended conversation about Ronald Reagan (covered in a previous junk) and shout 'jiggowatts' a few times.
Then Doc and Marty have a conversation that makes no sense.

Marty: I can't stay here! I have a life, I have a girl in 1985.
Doc: Is she pretty?
Marty: Doc, she's beautiful. Look what she wrote here, that says it all.

Marty hands Doc the flyer that has 'I love you' and 555-3546. HOW DOES THAT SAY IT ALL? Why? Just because she claims to love him and gave him a FAKE phone number? Plus why did Doc ask if she was pretty?

Marty: I can't stay here! I have a life, I have a girl in 1985.
Doc: Is she pretty?
Marty: Actually Doc, she's friggin' ugly. But she keeps me out of detention.

Anyway, then Doc takes a close look at Marty's family photo to reveal that Marty's brother's head is missing! Apparently due to Marty's interference, Dave is being erased from existence. One would think he would vanish all at once, but instead just his head is gone.
You would assume, using that logic, that he must have been a breach birth, otherwise his feet should have vanished first.
Then Marty goes to work on getting George to ask Lorraine to the Enchantment Under The Sea Dance.
Eventually they end up back at Lou's. Marty trips Biff, and is chased out of Lou's. Marty makes a skateboard out of a cheap scooter, but is able to ride it like a pro! Biff decides to kill Marty.

Let me repeat that: Biff decides to KILL Marty.

He races his car towards Marty saying "I'm gonna ram him!" EVERYONE IN TOWN GATHERS TO WATCH.
Biff crashes into a manure truck. He doesn't go to jail. He crashes into a manure truck. In 1955 that was justice. Remember the guy that kidnapped the Lindberg baby? They found him guilty, dumped cow droppings on him and called it a day. What a world!
So Marty comes up with a plan to get his parents together and Doc tries to harness the lightning into the flux capacitor.
On the night of the dance Biff enters Marty's car and his cronies kidnap Marty and locks him in a car trunk.
Biff then forces himself on Lorraine. Biff is really gonna be in TROUBLE if they catch him this time! SEXUAL ASSAULT! They will throw 2 trucks full of cow manure on him!
George shows up and knocks Biff out cold. They all dance to Johnny B. Goode. Marvin Berry makes a call to his cousin Chuck Berry.

Marvin: Yo Chuck! Yo Chuck, it's Marvin. Your cousin Marvin Berry. You know that new sound you're looking for? Well, listen to this!

Yup. In one of the most insulting moments in film history we are asked to believe that Chuck Berry ripped off Marty McFly. Marty, a dork who dreams of having a 4x4 and wears purple underwear, created the Chuck Berry sound.
Moving ahead, the lightning bolt strikes, Marty goes back to 1985 and wakes up in bed.
He goes to breakfast, and everyone is COOL! Mom and Dad are cool. Brother Dave wears a cool suit to the office and sister Linda? She is so cool that Dave can't keep up with all her 'boyfriends.' Yes, all is well at the McFly house. Or is it?
Think about it. At the start of the film, Marty was the only cool one in a family of nerds. Now, he's the worthless guy who sleeps in his clothes and hangs out with a crazy inventor. Marty has made himself the LOSER of the family!

Then Biff comes enters the house.

Lorraine grabs the kids and runs into the other room to call the cops, but before she can dial, George shoots Biff dead.

George: That's for sexually assaulting my wife in 1955! And for trying to kill that Calvin Klein guy!

No, that's not what happened. But it should have. What kind of idiot would let Biff into his home and near his children?
So Biff prances around like RuPaul impersonating Liberace. He waxes their cars. That is his punishment. God, Biff always gets off easy!
Then Doc shows up and the ride off into the sequel.

There is one other thing I forgot to mention. In this film they swear CONSTANTLY. They don't swear like 'drunken sailors', it's more like 'tipsy Merchant Marines.' But, it is still swearing. Almost no sentence is uttered by Marty or Doc without a gratuitous 'damn' or 'hell' thrown in. They wanted to make SURE they got a PG. No G for these potty mouths! PG, please.

So, did you like Back To The Future?

15 comments:

  1. Jesus...I USED to like Back To The Future, until about 30 seconds ago. Thanks, sweetie!

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  2. Actually, I did like the movie. Your blog was hilarious, I couldn't put it down (or couldn't close the window, or ...) anyway there is one other thing that strikes me as amazing. When Marty return from the future I wonder if there was ever any commentary by his parents that Marty looks strikingly like Calvin. Also, where did that Calvin disappears to and George should be wondering if Calvin and Lorraine ever got it on behind his back. I suppose if my son ever looked EXACTLY like a guy my wife had the hots for in high school, I'd be pretty suspicious!!

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  3. CONTAINS SPOILERS!
    Actually T, I was never really bothered by the fact that George and Lorraine never realized 30 years later that Marty and Calvin looked creepily alike. After all, Marty spent just a week in 1955 and was never photographed. Now, I've only been out of high school for 12 years and I can't even remember what my lunch lady looked like, and I saw her everyday for 4 years.
    BTTF is a great flick though, a true classic. Thanks Sweetie for pointing out why we all love it so much.

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  4. I don't know about that, I mean if some guy showed up on your door with purple underwear and turned your life upside down for a week, you'd remember him. Also remember, they knew his name was Marty at the end. Then they named their second son after him, then he looked like the original Marty who disappeared. I don't know but I'd be totally creeped out by the whole situation. Also, don't you think Hill Valley would forever talk about the strange little kid who foiled Biff's plans for world domination in one week. Finally, the odd relationship with Doc Brown would raise a red flag.

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  5. CONTAINS SPOILERS

    T, it was 30 years later. I can only speak from experience, but I can't even remeber what the guy who served my lunch looked like today. He too turned my world upside down when he told me that they were out of curly fries, and I still couldn't pick him out of a line up. And that was 2 hours ago.
    As for Biff, he ws rendered impotent when he became a big effeminate baby at the end of BTTF part 1. All the residents of Hill Valley would be talking about is how he had turned into such a wuss.
    Thanks, I'm here all week...

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  6. Hmmm. I had thought about this a before. They did name him "Marty" and at the end of the film she says "Marty, what a nice name."
    However, NJCRC has a point. I can't recall what anyone's face other than Mr. T, Ronald McDonald and the Pope for more than a month.

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  7. Good point T-Bone. I can recall Abe Vigoda's face, too.

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  8. i love that stuff about the army of flavor flavs. sweetie, you are so funny!

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  9. Anonymous6/22/2004

    Alright, you gotta cut my man a break on the pink underwear thing.... Remember his dad was a whipped nerd. So you gotta give Marty some leaway just for that. But I can just see nerdy George washing laundry and mixing colors with whites.... It wasn't Marty's fault at all. I'll also give him credit for just wanting the 4x4. I wanted one for a loooooong time before I got one.
    As to the time/spacial anomalies; you're forgetting that Doc Brown was, in a future life, the Klingon bastard who issued the order to kill Kirks son. Kirk later used the Klingon's ship to go back to the past, which was actually Marty's present and screwed up the time line. Because while he was mucking about in San Francisco bay area playing with whales named George and Gracie, his adventure became the sci-fi story that George ultimately sold makking him the ultra cool guy he was destined to become. Say "Good Night" Gracie.

    But seriously folks.... My favorite part of BTTF is in a few tiny details they peppered into the story. For instance: In the nighttime scene outside the Twin Pines Mall, right after Doc tells Marty that all this property used to belong to Ol' Man Peabody, and Marty goes back in time... to the Peabody farm. The first thing he does is run over 1 of a pair of little pine trees growing side by side. At the end of the movie when he returns to the mall, the sign says Lone Pine Mall. I see that and laugh out loud when nobody else in the theater is laughing. Oh well... That's all part of the fun of being me...

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  10. This was so funny! I love your alternate ending!

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  11. I loved this movie, now I will have to rent it. You rock, Sweetee.

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  12. "AN ARMY OF FLAVOR FLAVS" That made me laugh untill it hurt.

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  13. Hey Jennifer, that MUST have been painful.

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  14. Wow you are FAST!

    yes, yes it was.

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