Wednesday, June 23, 2004

Advice for those in need of advice

Once again, it is time for an advice column. If you missed the previous one, click here. If you want to see a picture of a Shriner in a little car, click here.

Dear Sweetie,
Is it wrong to make a man wait five to six months before meeting him face to face???

Dear Shy,
OF COURSE IT IS. You HAVE to meet to move the relationship forward. If you really do not want him to see you, poke out his eyes.

Dear Sweetie,
I am a woman and I am disgusted by your column. You never give any of the women that write in a serious answer to the questions they ask. You just ignore the questions and make inane comments about dumb, macho, action flicks.

Dear Annoyed,
Thank you for your letter. I am ashamed to say that you are right, I will try harder in the future.

Dear Sweetie,
I'm putting myself on the job market this year, but I've also been trying to get pregnant for the last several months. If I'm lucky enough to become pregnant soon, how will I handle this with potential employers? During the time when it won't be obvious, should I let people know? What do I say during an interview if I am visibly pregnant?

Did you ever see that movie Junior? Arnold Schwarzenegger was PREGNANT! That was pretty funny, you should see it.

Dear Sweetie,
I am writing to ask you what lessons I have to learn regarding love and relationships. As you can see, I have nothing but squares to my Venus in Gemini in the 12th house. Love and love relationships have been so extremely painful that I am very discouraged and disgusted. Is there a karmic lesson in this? What do I have to be most careful of, before embarking on a relationship? Should I just remain single?

Dear Yearn,
You must be confusing this column with one of those freaky hippie columns. I don't give advice to you longhairs with your crazy ideas. Go back to Epcot, ya freak!

Dear Sweetie,
My girlfriend Jane broke up with me about 2 mouths ago and she went out with my cousin who is 3 years older than her. I thought I was over her, but I guess I am not, but I think she is over me. My question is should I let her go or wait for them to break up and then take my chances with her because I love her and she used to love me.

Dear Sad,
I am sure she still loves you! She is probably just with this guy to get you jealous. You just need to do something to get her attention, like wearing an "I WILL MARRY JANE" T-Shirt and writing "call me Jane" on every dollar bill you spend in hopes that it eventually gets back to her. You, sir, are a winner! That is what women look for in a suitor.

Dear Sweetie
I have been going with my girlfriend for 6 months. She is still in contact with her boyfriend she had before me, he often stays at her house, but not in her bed. Should I allow this to happen, and is it normal?

Dear Worried,
I suggest that you offer to sleep over at the same time. Then tell him that you brought matching Mork & Mindy sleeping bags for you and him. Then tell scary stories until the wee hours. After he falls asleep bludgeon him with a fire poker. Or, you can just tell your trampy girlfriend to end the sleepovers. It’s your call buddy, let me know how it goes.

Dear Sweetie,
We are good friends with our neighbors the "Smiths." Our oldest son is their youngest son's best friend. The problem is their oldest son, "Joey." Tonight we came home to find that Joey had broken into our garage and stolen the liquor we had stored there. When Mr. and Mrs. Smith confronted him, he took off.
Should we press charges? Part of me wants to throw the book at him; part of me is afraid of the repercussions. What would you do?

Dear Had,
Spit in all your liquor, it will be so gross no one will want to drink it (except hobos.) Oh wait, is he a hobo?

Post your questions for Sweetie below.