Tuesday, June 22, 2004

A Disney press release

Our Bunch O Junk investigation team has uncovered the following Disney press released, not yet available to the public.


Jonesboro, AK (PRWEB) July 15, 2004 -- A touch of history, a touch of class, and a touch of comfort will be experienced by visitors to Disney's newest theme park: Disneyland Arkansas!

Since 1954 Disney has been the world leader in theme parks and resort destinations. From Disneyland Park in California and Magic Kingdom in Florida to our less successful parks overseas, Disney is there.

And now, Disney is in Arkansas! Disney has purchased a 15 acre site (formerly known as 'the place where that Piggly Wiggly burnt down') and construction on a state of the art theme park has begun!

Many exhibits, rides and shows have already been planned.

Disney parks have been well known for their majestic castles. Disneyland features the lovely Sleeping Beauty Castle, Magic Kingdom features the towering Cinderella Castle. Disneyland Arkansas will be no exception. Upon entering guests will see Disneyland Arkansas 'castle'; The House Chevy Chase And Jonathan Taylor Thomas Lived In from the 1995 film Man of the House. Guest will marvel at the beauty of this three bedroom, colonial style dwelling.

To the left of the left of The House Chevy Chase and Jonathan Taylor Thomas Lived In will be Disney's Hall of Vice Presidents. An impressive animatronic show featuring all 43 United States Vice Presidents. They are ALL here, from Garret Hobart to Spiro Agnew. In keeping with the local flavor, all of the Vice Presidents will be depicted shirt-less, wearing John Deere hats and will chew tobacco.

Nearby is the impressive 20 Feet Under the C exhibit. Guest enter a large room with a letter 'C' painted twenty feet above them on the ceiling. Kids (and simple minded adults) will spend hours looking up and wondering 'why is there a letter c on the ceiling.' Some of the REALLY SIMPLE folks may wonder 'why is there a letter u on the ceiling?' Either way, it will be fun for the WHOLE family.

Another fine show will be based on the popular Country Bear Jamboree attraction in Florida. Due to the fact that Jamborees are a rather ordinary event in Arkansas, Disney will give the folks something more exotic. The Rasta Bear Barbecue. Seven dread locked bears will sing about how they 'shot the sheriff' as they roast a pig (who occasionally tries to get into the act, then he dies and they eat him.)

Disney's tradition of movie based rides has brought such great rides as Pinocchio's Daring Journey and Snow White's Scary Adventures. Now Disneyland Arkansas brings you The The Emperor's New Groove, a ride based on the film of the same name. The ride will tell the story of an Emperor who gets a new... uh... groove. We have no idea what that means, we never saw the film.

For the bigger kids, Disneyland Arkansas will have some thrill rides like: The Haunted Trailer Home. The ride is a 'double wide', so it should take about 8 seconds to get through.

Finally, Disney has teamed up with the music industry to create Mr. Toad The Wet Sprocket's Wild Ride. Ride along with the band 'Toad the Wet Sprocket' as they make it big with the song "All I Want"! then sink into a deep depression as they are forgotten by the music buying public and are forced to compete for Bar Mitzvah bookings with Chumbawamba and those twin nerds that sung "500 miles."

Well, that's the press release. I don't know about you, but I'm going!