Tuesday, June 29, 2004

We clocked the t-rex at 35 miles per hour

Let us take a look at the Steven Spielberg epic JURASSIC PARK.

I love a movie that has a name that is SO commonly misspelled.


Yup, people just can't seem to spell it right. Let's take a close look at the film:

The film starts out with the loading team trying to get a raptor into a cage. The raptor the ATTACKS a worker who looks EXACTLY like a fatter Larry Fishburne.

I was going to include a photo of the worker, but then I realized that you would notice that he doesn't really look that much like Larry, and my cover would be blown.

So if you still need to see a fatter looking Larry Fishburne go see the Matrix sequels.

Oh, yeah. I keep calling him Larry, but he hasn't been Larry since the early 1990s. I never understood why he changed his name. Does Lawrence REALLY sound that much classier when it is followed by Fishburne.

FISH BURN. His name might as well be Lawrence Burntpopcorn or Lawrence Overcookedspagehtti.

Ahhh, but I digress.

So Gennero (the lawyer) arrives at a digging site to find that Hammond didn't show up because he had to be with his daughter who is getting a divorce.
Odd, she probably should have sent Hammond to the dig site and had the lawyer be with her during the divorce.

Jeez. I digress A LOT.

Off to Montana, now, where we meet Alan Grant. Grant is digging for dinosaurs, then he uses a dino bone to terrorize the SECOND UGLIEST PERSON on the planet.

My god! I still don't know if that is a boy or a girl. It looks like a fat albanian version of Carrot Top imprersonating Pugsly from Addams Family.
Congratulations! You are the SECOND UGLIEST PERSON EVER.
Not the first ugliest, that honor goes to Tom Cruise's cousin, subject of a previous junk,
click here to read that one.

So Hammond flies in and invites Grant to JURASSIC PARK. He reluctantly tells Ellie she can come along, too. She agrees and this ruins his chance to swap dirty jokes with Grant in the helicopter.

GRANT: Why did you invite her? She's not even a paleontologist. She's a PALEOBOTANIST.
HAMMOND: I had to invite her. She was standing right there when I asked you. I thought she would say no!
GRANT: You sicken me.

Next they fly off to Jurassic Park. While landing, Grant is asked to buckle his seatbelt. Being incredibly rugged, Grant can't figure out how to buckle a seat belt correctly and simply ties half of his seat belt to half of Ellie's. Then they crash and Ellie dies. Grant is so rugged he makes a lean-to out of her bones and lives in it during the Y2K scare.
No, I'm kidding. The helicopter lands successfully and they drive up to drive up to a brachiasaurus. Ellie doesn't notice the brachiasaurus because she is too busy looking at a leaf.

See why they didn't need a paleobotanist?

Ellie tries to get Grant to look at the leaf.

ELLIE: Hey Alan. This species of terraform has been extinct since the cretaceous period.

Huh? If you've seen this movie, you know Hammond made the dinosaurs using DNA from mosquito blood. If you haven't seen this movie: SPOILER ALERT.

So if they used mosquito blood to make dinosaurs, how did they make plants? Was there a mosquito that ate plants?

MOSQUITO: Hey let's go take a bite outta that mastadon.
MOSQUITO TWO: Nah. I'm in the mood for a salad.
MOSQUITO: You sicken me.

So they see a dinosaur. AWESOME. Now this film is rolling!
Hammond takes to a ride where he meets an on screen version of himself.

Imagine the joy Richard Attenborough has watching this film.

ATTENBOROUGH:Look I'm sitting here watching me on the screen, and me on the screen is watching me on the screen!
MRS. ATTENBOROUGH: You sicken me.

So Hammond plans on opening EVERY tour of Jurassic Park HIMSELF. WOW. Talk about a hands-on leader. Could you imagine going to Disneyland and having Michael Eisner check your seatbelt before starting up the Matterhorn? Hammond truly didn't think this all the way through.

HAMMOND: I am going to take a day off to swim in a pile of money.
BOSS: I'm sorry. We need you to open the ride.
HAMMOND: Oh, alright. I will swim in money on the weekend.
BOSS: Sorry, Jurassic Park doesn't close on the weekend. You have to be here EVERYDAY.

Now we get to see Mr. DNA and a poorly drawn cartoon that would make Joe Hanna and William Barbara embarrassed. Then it's off to the lab so B.D. Wong can show us a baby raptor. He's cute. Then we see the grown up raptors in a pen, not so cute.

Actually we don't see the raptors. Just a bunch of trees being shaken by some off-screen grips as a cow is lowered into the pen.
Now, I hate to sound cruel here, but why do they use this stretcher thing to lower the cow into the pen? Why don't they just drop him from a crane? Then they don't have to use a new stretcher thing EVERY day. It's not like the raptors are going to mind. And really, for the cow, is it any more cruel then being fed to raptors?
Next up we go on a tour where Hammond informs us that the 'voice we are now hearing is Richard Kiley, I spared no expense.' Well, Kiley was a distinguished stage actor, but spared no expense? Would it have killed him to get Bobcat Goldwaith? Bobcat could use the work, and it really would have spruced up the section of the tour when the dinosaurs didn't show up. But then the DINOSAURS SHOW UP.
The dinosaurs eat a goat an chase Sam Neil,then they eat Gerrano who was hiding in the mens room.
Oh yeah, I'm forgetting the Wayne Knight subplot. So Wayne Knight is complaining that Hammond has 'gotten cheap'. See I KNEW Hammond was sparing expenses! No Bobcat AND he lost Wayne Knight. Way to go Hammond.
Fences are shut down, Sam Jackson tells people to 'hold onto their butts' and the little kid gets ELECTROCUTED. It's really funny.

At one point Sam Neil shows the kids how to feed a brachiasaur a tree branch. This is a GOOD IDEA he reasons because they are 'herbivores and wouldn't eat them.' Uh huh. They could swallow you WHOLE! I am never letting Sam Neil watch my kids.

In the final moments we see the cast being hunted by a bunch of raptors in the visitor center when SUDDENLY the T-REX steps in and eats the raptor.

Let me repeat that:

SUDDENLY the T-REX steps in and eats the raptor.

Earlier we heard t-rex's foot steps from half a mile away. They made the water ripple. Now, he SNEAKS up on them? Ah, who cares, its a great ending.

Did you like JP?


  1. Evel, you see things so clearly. That would be sweet.

  2. I did, but I don't think I will look at it quite the same way again....Good point about the leaf!

  3. Anonymous3/23/2006

    Nice to meet you here..