Advice to the lovelorn

America's foremost advice columnist answers your questions about love, life and VCR repair.

Dear Sweetie,
Almost every relationship I've ever been in has ended badly and I'm always the one to get hurt. I either get cheated on or left for someone else. Is there something wrong with me or do I just keep picking the wrong girls?
-Bad Picker

Dear Picker,
You are probably just not wearing enough cologne. Women love men that wear lots of cologne.
-Sweetie

Dear Sweetie,
I love how he produces Saturday Night Live (executivly, no less.) I am enchanted by his silver hair and manly physique. How can I get him to notice me?
-Drooling Dame

Dear Drooling,
You are on the wrong website. This is advice for the 'lovelorn' not those that 'love Lorne Michaels. However, I can help.
Pin a note on your shirt that says "If found please return to Lorne Michaels." Then get lost. If you don't know how to write, or they don't give you sharp objects where you are, just get lost.
-Sweetie

Dear Sweetie
Dude I can't find the remote.
-Out Of Controls

Dear Out,
It's probably under the couch.
-Sweetie

Dear Sweetie,
My Wife hates my dog. She keeps telling me that she is going to leave me if the dog stays. What should I do.
-In The Doghouse

Dear In
Throw all of her make-up in the toilet. She'll be so busy worrying about that she won't have time to worry about the dog.
-Sweetie

Dear Sweetie,
Dude, I looked under the couch, it isn't there.
-Out Of Controls

Dear Out,
I don't know. Hey, I just told some guy to throw his wife's make-up in the toilet.
-Sweetie

Dear Sweetie,
Awesome. Do you think he'll do it?
-Out Of Controls

Dear Out,
Probably, he sounded pretty stupid.
-Sweetie

Do you have any questions for Sweetie? If so write them on the men's room wall at the mall (by the food court), or post a comment.