Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Mocking the List: Top 25 Partners of the Green Power Partnership

Whew. Did you ever have an idea that seemed so good in your head, but it came together it did not turn out that good?? You know like New Coke, Woodstock 94 or Spiderman 2. I assume that you didn't have any of those ideas; I just thought they were good examples. If you did have those ideas, SHAME ON YOU.

Anyway, today I decided to do the opposite. I had an awful idea for a column and I decided to go forward with it hoping that this would have an equal and opposite reaction to the GOOD idea gone wrong.

Here is what I am doing: I am taking a list I found on the EPA website that has zero comedy possibilities. Then, I am having The Incredible Hulk review it with me. You may remember the Hulk helped review a book called "Show and Tell" a while back.

HULK: Arrrgh Hulk not know what he doing here! Hulk need answers!

SWEETIE: I thought since it is called the "Green Power Partnership" you should be involved.

HULK: 'Partnership'?!?! How Sweetie find out about Hulk's life partner? Who told him that Hulk and Solomon Grundy share an apartment in the Village!

SWEETIE: Uh... no, I thought 'green' and 'power' were the words that connected you to the list.

HULK: Grrrr! Hulk understand better. It is because of Hulk's skin color you want to talk to him. Hulk sees things clearly now. Sweetie is racist against green people. Why Sweetie not call Jolly Green Giant?

SWEETIE: Anyway, the list includes organizations "whose annual green power purchase is the largest, and whose green power purchase has been completed."

HULK: Hulk think list is boring already. Hulk rather do a list of people who use "Punky Power" like on Mork from Ork.

SWEETIE: That was Punky Brewster.

HULK: Hulk stands corrected. Arrrggh. Proceed.

1. U.S. Air Force

HULK: Way to screw up the whole bit, Sweetie. You did number ONE first? Why didn't we count them down?

SWEETIE: Why aren't you speaking like the Hulk anymore?

HULK: Ooops. My bad. I mean Hulk bad! Grrrrgh!

SWEETIE: So the Air Force tops the list. Way to go Air Force.

HULK: Remember in 2003 movie Hulk when I was on top of Air Force jet? Then the pilot flew to outer space and then I jumped off.


HULK: That was cool.

2. Johnson & Johnson

SWEETIE: Johnson & Johnson, makers of fine products, use Green Power for 24% of their manufacturing.

HULK: They make the "No More Tears" shampoo. Hulk no use that. He use "Lots More Tears" shampoo.

SWEETIE: Who makes that?

HULK: Hulk was making joke.

SWEETIE: Oh yeah? That was pretty funny.

HULK: Don't patronize Hulk.

3. U.S. Environmental Protection Agency

SWEETIE: So the EPA is number three on their own list. You would think they would be number one.

HULK: Slackers. Grrrr!

4. The World Bank

5. U.S. General Services Administration / Region 2

6. Whole Foods Market

SWEETIE: Ohhh! I love Whole Foods!

HULK: Ohhh! I love U.S. General Services Administration / Region 2.

SWEETIE: Hulk, do you REALLY love U.S. General Services Administration / Region 2 or are you just saying that because I said I loved Whole Foods?

HULK: Keep list moving, Sweetie. Hulk has a dentist appointment later.

7. City of San Diego, CA

8. New Jersey Consolidated Energy Savings Program

9. WhiteWave Foods

10. Austin (TX) Independent School District

11. Staples

SWEETIE: But what if the Staples location is in San Diego? Then it must be really special.

HULK: Hulk no care about Staples and stupid ergonomically designed chairs. Arrrrgggghh!

12. University of Pennsylvania

13. Montgomery County, MD

14. Advanced Micro Devices / Austin, TX Facilities

15. Commonwealth of Pennsylvania

HULK: Hulk just realize that Pennsylvania is not a state. Pennsylvania is a 'Commonwealth'.

SWEETIE: Yeah. And the word 'Commonwealth' is kind of an oxymoron.

HULK: You're a moron.

SWEETIE: No, OXYMORON! Like the 'jumbo shrimp'.

HULK: Hulk just realize jumbo shrimp is not a state.

16. FedEx Kinko's

17. East Bay Municipal Utility District/Main WWT Plant

18. BMW Manufacturing Co. / Greer, SC Facilities

19. City of Santa Monica, CA

20. U.S. Navy / Region South

HULK: Wow, Navy finish much lower than Air Force. Grrrrr.

SWEETIE: Yeah, but the Navy gets to wear those cool sailor hats.

21. Harvard University

22. Round Rock (TX) Independent School District

23. City of Portland, OR

24. Pennsylvania State University

25. U.S. Department of Energy/Forrestal and Germantown Facilities

SWEETIE: That’s the list! Thanks for your help, Hulk.

HULK: Wait! Don't cut off Hulk! Hulk not finished with list! Hulk frustrated that he not make list! Grrrr! Hulk use nothing but Green Power! List was stupid. Why not put Hulk down as honorable mention? Hulk need to get his lawyer on phone. Grrrrh! Someone call Stan Lee! Tell him to stop making cameos and start focusing on getting Hulk's name out! Why no one making Hulk 2? They make two Baby Genius movies for Pete's sake. Wait? Who is this 'Pete' and why do we make movies for his sake? Find Pete and tell him to demand new Hulk movie! ARRRRGGGGH!

(NOTE: Hulk continued to ramble on for a few more seconds and then I hung up the phone and hid in the closet.)

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