Thursday, December 16, 2004

Scary Movies About Santa Claus

I don't know why, but there are MANY horror films that revolve around Christmas. Go to your local Circuit City and you will find more holiday horror than you can shake a stick at.

That is mostly because of Circuit City's anti-stick shaking policy.

CIRCUT CITY EMPLOYEE: Hi, can I help you?
SWEETIE: No thanks. I just came to see if I would be able to shake this stick at your horror section.
CIRCUT CITY EMPLOYEE: You can't do that. Hey! Didn't I throw you out last week for violating our dress code?
SWEETIE: It says 'shoe and shirts must be worn' it says NOTHING about pants, you fascist!

Anyway, if you want to add a little 'GHOUL-tide to your yuletide,' make sure to pick up one of these films for yourself or someone you love:

Silent Night, Deadly Night (parts 1-5):
When the first film was released in 1984 the concept of mixing horror with Santa outraged some parents groups that protested the release of the film.
This, of course, led to the film becoming a bigger hit than it likely would have been otherwise.
The first film tells the story of a boy who is traumatized when his parents are killed by a man in a Santa suit. So, when he grows up he gets a job- AS A STORE SANTA. Next thing you know, people are taken on a slay ride. GET IT! A 'SLAY' RIDE! I can't take credit for that joke. That is the name of the company that made the film.
The sequels all play with the holiday horror concept, but (for the most part) they stray from the original story line. Part three is my favorite of the bunch, part four is awful. It doesn't even have anything to do with Christmas.

Silent Night, Bloody Night:
This actually has nothing to do with Christmas or Santa, but I thought it did because of the title. I was duped. Don't follow in my footsteps.

Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas:
Tim Burton did not write or direct this movie. He wrote children's book that it was based on and he produced it. Talk about a GLORY HOUND.
Now that THAT has been said, this is one of the greatest movies I have ever seen. It tells the story of a walking skeleton who decides to kidnap Santa Claus so he can take over Christmas. This has all the ingredients of a good horror film... except the actually scares... and John Saxton.

Christmas Evil:
A dark film about a man who loves Christmas and decides to punish naughty people by killing them. It is also known as 'Terror In Toyland.' I like the title, although today it suggests an Austin Powers claymation special.

Santa Claws:
A horror comedy about you guessed it: a gun toting attorney in search of buried treasure.
Just wanted to see if you were paying attention. It's about a killer Santa.

Black Christmas:
A 1974 gem about a killer who strikes a house as Christmas approaches.

The Polar Express:
A terrifying film about zombie-like humanoids that ride a train to the North Pole with a ghostly hobo. If that isn't enough to keep you away I have 2 words: PETER SCOLARI!


  1. Anonymous12/16/2004

    I love Silen Night Deadly night! 

    Posted by staplegun

  2. Oh boy! I cant wait for Xmas!

  3. What the Hell is this? Its the holiday season and all Guy Sweetie thinks of is movies about killing Santa Claus? I thought I had read sick articles in the past but this crosses the line....whats Next Guy Sweetie? Movies bout guys that dress like there mothers and kill pretty woman? Lets all remember this is the time of year that we all should drink massive amounts of alchohol and overeat till we puke...thats the only way I can deal with my In-Laws...

  4. Great piece!
    I am anxiously awaiting what will perhaps become the definative Santa horror flick: "Santa's Slay" starring Bill Goldberg.

  5. Great Junkyard Dog that looks bizarre!

    Spreading holiday fear NEXT CHRISTMAS I presume.

  6. Shame on you all!!! believing in all this stuff.

    SantaClaus no existe. Los reyes son quienes traen los presentes, y nunca he visto una pelĂ­cula de horror con ellos como las estrellas. no es justo!!

  7. I'm getting Claus-trophobia!