Monday, September 06, 2004

Appliance Direct

I was a lost soul once. I needed guidance, I needed a purpose. Then, one night, in a hotel at Walt Disney World, I found my purpose.


I was staying at the beautiful Animal Kingdom Lodge. The Lodge has a savannah FULL of wild animals you can watch from your balcony. When I arrived, I sat on the balcony and heckled the giraffes.

ME: Hey giraffe! Go back to Toys R Us! Nobody wants you here! Why don't you take your long neck and go get me a Power Ranger, Mister... uh... long neck.

Yes, I could have done that for the whole week. But, then I found Appliance Direct. Appliance Direct is a chain of appliance stores in the Orlando area. You could find anything from a dishwasher to a washing machine (for dishes.) They run an incredibly bizarre series of infomercials telling you how to tell if your appliances are junk. Since I had no appliances with me, I decided to heckle the giraffe again.
ME: Hey giraffe! What's up with that Easy Bake Oven, that is not a well made appliance! Not like the Electrolux Range that I can get at Appliance Direct.

The star of the infomercials is Sam.

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Not in an unhealthy-Uncle Chris and the eggbeater-way, but with maniacal deep affection.

The Appliance Direct Site is great. There are in-depth articles about what type of oven cooks a turkey the fastest and whatnot, but the highlight is Sam. Some of his commercials are on the site as well. Let's take a look:

White Porcelain: In this spot Sam shows up in his TV wardrobe: a white t-shirt tucked into his denim shorts.
Sam is about 3 Snickers bars away from having to un-tuck the shirt to better hide his gut. I love Sam!
Sam starts off by telling us how a washing machine works. Damn he's smart! Then he tells us the best kind of tub for a washing machine is 'white porcelain.'
He reasons, that it is "very smooth, won't stain" and "very strong, won't scratch." Sounds good to me, but, thirty seconds ago I didn't know how a washing machine worked.

For all I know this could all be lies.

Still, while I may belive that porcelain is a miracle tub, why only in white? Why not a blood red tub, or some booger green porcelain?
The best part about this spot is how he pauses before he says "white porcelain." Plus, he says it about 50 TIMES! SAM RULES!
Sam ends the spot with some stream of consciousness rant about plastic toilets. Priceless.

30 Second commercial: Sam really picks up the pace for the shorter 30 second spot. Sam also shares the spotlight with co-star 'The Woman In The Green Dress.'

Green Dress, who I think was one of the girls on The Magic Garden, spends much of the commercial shutting things. She shuts microwave doors and freezers and then she smacks a truck TWICE. I bet that hurt her hand.
She and Sam both shout crazy expressions at us like "Don't pay retail" and "Same day delivery."
Sam spends the commercial perpetually in motion. He is really movin'! In fact, play it with the volume off while listening to Pink Floyd's 'On The Run' and he looks like he is dancing. Then, next time some moron tells you about watching the Wizard Of Oz while listening to Pink Floyd, you can tell him about 'The Dark Side of Appliance Direct.'

Then hit him with a baseball bat.

Convection: In this one Sam tells us we won't see "a fancy retail displays" at Appliance Direct. I guess grammar doesn't matter when you are talking about appliances. The he tells us that bad appliances lead to high power bills. The astute viewer will notice Sam is HOLDING a power bill as he says this. Nice job acting with a prop Sam!

I wish he had said "We will cut your power bills, by selling you better appliances." Then, he could cut the power bill in half. The next shot could show him in a dark room calling the power company, explaining that he "couldn't pay, because he cut his bills in half for a TV commercial." Then, Green Dress could laugh at him.

Next, Sam shows us how a convection oven works. Did you know there was a fan in there?

I did.

Of course, I once spent the night in one.

Sam announces he is going to do a cooking demonstration! But first, Green Dress shows up to smack around some stoves. You go girl!
Sam cooks THREE chickens and then tells us how good they taste in the oven with the fan.
THREE CHICKENS! I guess he will have to un-tuck that shirt soon! Then he tells us our oven is a 'piece of junk.'
True, but it is a comfy place to spend a Friday night.

There are plenty of other spots and articles on The Appliance Direct Site. I HIGHLY RECOMEND YOU VISIT!

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