Friday, November 12, 2004

Soy Bomb

At the 1998 Grammy Awards Bob Dylan performed the song "Love Sick." The song is a ballad featuring lyrics like "the clouds are weeping" and "I'm sick of love." On stage Dylan was surrounded by a half dozen or so twenty-somethings wearing all black. What happened next would shock and confuse a nation.

Suddenly one of the on stage spectators jumped up and tore off his shirt. On his chest were the words "Soy Bomb." The spectator, Michael Portnoy, then started dancing like a crazy man. Dylan was playing a slow tempo track and Portnoy was dancing like a crazed Danny Ortega with a massive sugar high.

Interestingly, Dylan paid no attention to him. Dylan just kept singing about how the clouds were weeping and barely even glanced at the nutcase next to him. This is probably why it took so long for security to act. Instead of the usual five seconds it takes them to hustle an interloper off stage it took over THIRTY.

You know, I could care less if anyone else likes this article. I am just proud to have been able to use the word 'interloper' on! This has been one of my lifelong goals. Now all I have to do is walk on stilts and hit Will Smith in the face with a pie, and I can die a happy man.

I may even make a feature length motion picture and call it Interloper. But, it won't be about Michael Portnoy and his "Soy Bomb" nonsense. Instead, it will be a sci-fi thriller starring Jean-Claude Van Damme.

INTERLOPER 30 second trailer

NARRATOR: It is the biggest space ship of all time,
MAN: Wow! Look at that space ship.
VAN DAMME: That's no ship, that's the Interloper.
MAN: Wow!
(Van Damme rips off his shirt and then kicks the man in the head. Suddenly MORK approaches Van Damme)
MORK: Nah nu nah nu!

Well, maybe it needs work.

So, Portnoy dances next to Dylan for 30 seconds and is then removed from the stage. Soon, every where around the world people are wondering "who is Soy Bomb?" Well, he was a man named Michael Portnoy. Hmmm, I probably should have saved that information so that would have been a better reveal.

After being pulled off stage Portnoy called his dance "an act of pure revolution." He claimed the dance would lead him to superstardom and that he was a multi-genre performance artist. In other words, he is an idiot.

Finally, he explained the words 'soy bomb' to mean "sort of life and death and explosion." Well, maybe he isn't such an idiot, after all.

Nah nu nah nu!


  1. You know what would have been AWESOME, if while Soy Bomb was dancing and Dylan was babling incoherently, Evel Knievel jumped over the stage. And Dylan started singing "Like a Rolling Stone" but then changed the lyrics to say, "How does it feel? To be Evel Knieveel? After he just ate a large meal and an then entire banana peel. My favorite Bond villian was Richard Keel This new verision of the song makes no sense. What's the deal?" Oh man that would be SSSSSWWWWWEEEEETTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!

  2. Anonymous11/12/2004

    Evel, THAT is funny.


  3. I remember watching this! I thought thta guy was part of dylans act!

  4. Robble Robble Robble. I was in lock-up the night the police brought Soy Bomb in for trespassing on the stage. The NYPD pinched me, claiming I swiped some burgers from a Times Sqaure T.G.I. Fridays. But I was cross-town at a pawn shop trying get some cash from a tv I stole just to buy some frozen patties. So I don't have an alibi, plus every time some burgers get stolen, the fuzz tries to pin it on me. They warned me it was going to be like this on the outside.

    Anyways, back to Soy Bomb. He was such a baby in lock-up. He kept crying and demanding to talk to his laywer. Screaming about how this was an example of corporations supressing free speech. He would have lasted 1 second in the big house. Man, my first day, I knew I needed respect, so I shived Clarence "Mudman" Williams in the yard to get my props. After, that everyone was my b**ch. They all were sneaking in burgers for me. Soy Bomb is lucky those charges were eventually dropped.

    He also thought just because I was in lock up, I was ignorant. Started debating me on corporate dominance of and the dangers of globalization. I just looked at him and said, "Robble Robble". That sure shut his a$$ up.

  5. Gene Hackman is so cool that the Grammys interrupt him!!

  6. I was watching this, and I thought he was part of the show! Then I spent all week trying to find out what Soy Bomb meant!