Friday, November 12, 2004

Soy Bomb

At the 1998 Grammy Awards Bob Dylan performed the song "Love Sick." The song is a ballad featuring lyrics like "the clouds are weeping" and "I'm sick of love." On stage Dylan was surrounded by a half dozen or so twenty-somethings wearing all black. What happened next would shock and confuse a nation.

Suddenly one of the on stage spectators jumped up and tore off his shirt. On his chest were the words "Soy Bomb." The spectator, Michael Portnoy, then started dancing like a crazy man. Dylan was playing a slow tempo track and Portnoy was dancing like a crazed Danny Ortega with a massive sugar high.

Interestingly, Dylan paid no attention to him. Dylan just kept singing about how the clouds were weeping and barely even glanced at the nutcase next to him. This is probably why it took so long for security to act. Instead of the usual five seconds it takes them to hustle an interloper off stage it took over THIRTY.

You know, I could care less if anyone else likes this article. I am just proud to have been able to use the word 'interloper' on! This has been one of my lifelong goals. Now all I have to do is walk on stilts and hit Will Smith in the face with a pie, and I can die a happy man.

I may even make a feature length motion picture and call it Interloper. But, it won't be about Michael Portnoy and his "Soy Bomb" nonsense. Instead, it will be a sci-fi thriller starring Jean-Claude Van Damme.

INTERLOPER 30 second trailer

NARRATOR: It is the biggest space ship of all time,
MAN: Wow! Look at that space ship.
VAN DAMME: That's no ship, that's the Interloper.
MAN: Wow!
(Van Damme rips off his shirt and then kicks the man in the head. Suddenly MORK approaches Van Damme)
MORK: Nah nu nah nu!

Well, maybe it needs work.

So, Portnoy dances next to Dylan for 30 seconds and is then removed from the stage. Soon, every where around the world people are wondering "who is Soy Bomb?" Well, he was a man named Michael Portnoy. Hmmm, I probably should have saved that information so that would have been a better reveal.

After being pulled off stage Portnoy called his dance "an act of pure revolution." He claimed the dance would lead him to superstardom and that he was a multi-genre performance artist. In other words, he is an idiot.

Finally, he explained the words 'soy bomb' to mean "sort of life and death and explosion." Well, maybe he isn't such an idiot, after all.

Nah nu nah nu!

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