Tuesday, August 03, 2004

The Ballad of Bill and Joe: Volume Two

Romancing the Flintstone
Let's ride with the family down the street
Through the courtesy of Fred's two feet
When you're with the Flintstones
Have a yabba-dabba-doo time
A dabba-doo time
You'll have a gay old time

A gay old time, indeed. Not the gay old time you would have at Gore Vidal's house, still it would be fun.

Now when it comes to the Flintstones, people have many questions:
How did man and dinosaur co-exist?
How come the animation looks so choppy?
Who is Gore Vidal?

Gore Vidal was born in late 1925 to Gene Vidal, Gore spent much of his childhood with his grandfather, Senator T.P. Gore of Oklahoma. Gore published his first novel, "Williwaw", when he was just 19. Gore found soon found his books on bestseller lists. In 1960, he (unsuccessfully) ran for Congress, backed by celebrity supporters, such as Paul Newman.

Questions like these are nothing new. With all Hanna Barbera cartoons people wonder:
How did they make so many cartoons?
Why did they all seem to be modeled after live action TV shows?
So, what's the deal with Gore Vidal? Is he gay?

In short, yes. He is gay, and old. It was a cheap, and rather insensitive joke. Let's put it behind us.

When you say "put it behind us" is that another cheap and insensitive joke?
Yes, yes it was.

One of my favorite aspects of the Flintstones was the NAMES. Everyone's name HAD to be a kind of rock:
Fred Flintstone
Mr. Slate
Barney Rubble
Even the guest stars would have rock names:
Tony Curtis was Stony Curtis
Ann Margaret was Ann Margrock
Elizabeth Montgomery became... uh... something with rock in it.

Too bad they don't make new Flintstone episodes today. You could have many of today's stars show up WITHOUT changing their names:

Stone Phillips: Could have guest starred in a news-themed episode. Of course He would be a replacement for Tom Brokaw (Tom Boulderkaw) who would bow out when he realized how stupid Boulderkaw sounded.

Kid Rock: He could be in an episode playing a guy with a serious identity crisis (is he a rapper? Is he a rocker? A patriot or a rebel? An actor, a country singer or a motorcycle expert?) Then he could help make the cat stay out for the night.

The Rock: He could play the cat.

Matt Stone: He could show up and spend five minutes explaining that he is the co-creator of South Park. Then Fred could punch him for what he did to the art of animation.

Truly, no one did animation like Hanna Barbera. Genius!

On the Flintstones animals served one purpose, to serve man. That was it. They would be everything from a dishwasher to a staple gun. They did their jobs obediently without attempting escape. The could talk too, but they never spoke to the humans, only to the audience. For example, if Fred was using a toucan to de-pit a bowl of cherries, the toucan would turn to us and say

"This job's the pits"

Yup. The sad life of animal's in the Flintstone era. Plucked from their homes, separated from their families and forced into slavery. Yet they still try to make us laugh!

Yes, appliances with hearts of gold.

The Flintstones also have the LONGEST RUNNING NOVELTY CEREAL EVER!

The longevity of Fruity Pebbles and Cocoa Pebbles is nothing short of AMAZING.

Think about it.

In the store on any given month you can find DOZENS of novelty cereals.
Spider-man: Spider Rings Cereal
Mickey Mouse: Magix cereal
Democratic national convention: Kerry Puffs of Wheat

But who long do they last? Weeks, maybe a month.
Not the Flintstones cereals. They have lasted so long that there are knock offs!

I am not sure why these cereals lasted SO long. It can't just be taste. Granted these taste REALLY good, but so did C3POS.

No, the success of these cereals is due to one thing: Fred's monopoly on the supply has created artificial demand.

See, every commercial for these cereals is the same:
Barney wants cereal
Fred won't give it to him
Rather than spend $3 and get his own box Barney builds a spaceship and pretends to be a robot to 'trick Fred out of his pebbles.'
Barney looses his disguise and is humiliated
Barney falls on his sword

IS IT ANY WONDER WHY PEOPLE BUY THIS STUFF! It is so rare that Barney can't even get a box! Barney lives NEXT to Fred! If he can't get it, HOW CAN YOU TURN IT DOWN?

Still, it's part of this nutritious breakfast!

Continue to: The Ballad of Bill and Joe: Volume Three

Other related junk:
The Ballad of Bill and Joe: Volume One
Jurassic Park
He-Man, the toughest cartoon man ever
Cereal and other breakfast junk

1 comment:

  1. Taco, when you say Fruity Pebbles is that code for "hot guys"? I bet it is.