Saturday, May 22, 2004

Breakfast: A meal full of lies

Why must breakfast be such a cauldron of trouble?

Lie #1: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lie, lie, lie! What is breakfast? Divide it into two words and you get 'break' and 'fast.' Let us look at the definitions:
Break- To cause to separate into pieces suddenly or violently; smash.
Fast- To abstain from food.
What? So breakfast literally means to smash things and not eat? That is pretty stupid. Doesn't sound like the most important meal of the day to me. Plus even though you can get breakfast at McDonalds (and something sorta like breakfast at Burger King) breakfast is not available at Kentucky Fried Chicken. Think about that if breakfast was so important would the Colonel just dismiss it? I doubt it.

Lie #2: McDonald's breakfast menu
I love McGriddles. I was pleasantly surprised by how good they tasted, but I don't think I will ever have another one. To be honest, I don't know how I ever got the one I ate. Why? McDonalds stops serving them at 10:30am! 10:30 AM! (That second 10:30am was capitalized to show my anger.) That's just to early to stop serving breakfast. Stupid clown.
Plus, why do they give you such a small orange juice? Why are there no breakfast happy meals? Why aren't there CAPITAL numbers? I want to capitalize a number!

Lie #3: ________ is selling like hotcakes
This is downright stupid. You always hear how things sell 'like hotcakes.' Be honest, have you ever known hotcakes to be a big seller? Have you ever gone to Denny's and ordered hotcakes only to find that they were SOLD OUT? No. That just makes hotcakes sound like a Tickle Me Elmo at Christmas, but they aren't. I have tried to sell hotcakes out of the trunk of my car and on eBay. There were NO buyers! Not one.
"Hey this new album is selling like hotcakes!" That is a really dumb expression. Wouldn't it make more sense to say "Hey this new album is selling like a new ALBUM." Hotcakes are not big sellers, do not be fooled.

Lie #4: Part of this nutritious breakfast
Did you ever see a cereal commercial where at the end they say "part of this nutritious breakfast." They show a bowl of cereal surrounded by a glass of orange juice, a glass of milk, two pieces of toast, butter, bacon, an egg, a ham hock, a bowl of grits, a foot long turkey sub and a Mounds bar. What kind of nut would prepare breakfast to go WITH their cereal. That is the whole point of cereal. You pour it into a bowl, add milk and you are done. That is the beauty of cereal. Quit trying to make it sound nutritious by EMPTYING a fridge on to the table next to it.

Lie #5: Cereal is for everyone
Apparently not! Think back to every cereal commercial ever. What happened? Someone wanted cereal and someone else stood between them and the cereal.
'Sorry Trix rabbit, Trix are for kids.'
'Cookie Crook you are going to JAIL for eating cereal!'
'Sonny, you may be cuckoo for CoCo Puffs, but we'd like to see you starve.'
Even Fred Flintstone keeps the Fruity Pebbles away from Barney. Barney is his best friend! Does Fred share? No! Barney has to dress up like a Robot and sneak in to get taste. It is mind boggling.
Even Cap'n Crunch and the Soggies, I am sure that feud STARTED over selfishness.

Well, gotta run. I have a trunk of hotcakes to empty.


  1. Cereal is a lie.

    Where is Sugar Bear? Dig 'em the Frog? Tony Jr?

    They spoke out about this conspiracy and then they disappeared.

    FREE THE KELLOG'S 7!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  2. I commend you on your anti-breakfast campaign, but you are going up against a monster. As you may know, the breakfast lobby has had the inside track in Washington since Truman became president. As you may recall, Dewy was defeating Truman in the polls and out of desperation he made a deal with the breakfast folk. Truman got huge campaign dollars from the NABM (National Association of Breakfast Makers) and when he took office he started this "most important meal" campaign. Of course, the infamous hotcake sale farce was promulgated during this time as well.

    Or was that a dream?

  3. "breakfast literally means to smash things and not eat?" Great line!