Tuesday, April 12, 2005

The Superbowl Shuffle

In 1985 the music world and the ears of radio fans everywhere were assaulted by the most bizarre of songs.

The Superbowl Shuffle

The world was anxiously awaiting the Superbowl, and for some reason that cannot be explained EVERYONE was a Chicago Bears fan.

It seemed like the next logical step to put them all together in a music video to create an anthem for the team and the big game.
They chose to "rap" rather than "sing" because in 1985 EVERYONE thought they could rap. Honestly, every single commercial had either a rappin' old lady or a rappin' dishwasher. Some had both.

It has been 20 years since the Superbowl Shuffle and, for the most part, the county has survived and even prospered. Still one can easily look at the rap efforts of Shaq or Darryl Strawberry and point a finger of blame at this video.

The video and song were a charity effort, but became such a hit that they were nominated for a Grammy Award. Within minutes of the nomination millions of people lost respect for the Grammys.

So, with no further ado, here it is:

The Superbowl Shuffle:

We are the Bears Shufflin' Crew
Shufflin' on down, doin' it for you.
We're so bad we know we're good.
Blowin' your mind like we knew we would.
You know we're just struttin' for fun
Struttin' our stuff for everyone.
We're not here to start not trouble.
We're just here to do the Super Bowl Shuffle.

Struttin', shufflin', blowin', remember it is not cool to speak the letter 'g'.





Mammary gland

Mammary Land
(Also a wonderful theme park! The happiest place on earth.)

(Walter Payton)
Well, they call me Sweetness,
And I like to dance.
Runnin' the ball is like makin' romance.

We've had the goal since training camp
To give Chicago a Super Bowl Champ.
And we're not doin' this
Because we're greedy.
The Bears are doin' it to feed the needy.

This is the charity thing I was talking about. They aren't doing the SONG because they are greedy. They wanted to WIN THE SUPERBOWL because they are greedy.

We didn't come here to look for trouble,
We just came here to do
The Super Bowl Shuffle.

Great, they didn't come to the video shoot looking for trouble.

(Willie Gault)
This is Speedy Willie, and I'm world class.
I like runnin' but I love to get the pass.
I practice all day and dance all night,
I got to get ready for the Sunday fight.
Now I'm as smooth as a chocolate swirl,
I dance a little funky, so watch me, girl.
There's not one here that does it like me,
My Super Bowl Shuffle will set you free.

Willie went on to play "Willie the sweeper" on TV's "The Pretender"
Here's his newest track "The Pretender Shuffle"
This is Sweeping Willie, and I clean the street
But right now I rap to the funky beat
I sweep all day and drink myself to sleep
"I wish I still played football" you may hear me weep
I go to work hung over and un-showered
Willie the Sweeper makes six bucks an hour
There's not one here that does it like me,
My Pretender Shuffle will make you pity me.


(Mike Singletary)
I'm Samurai Mike I stop'em cold.
Part of the defense, big and bold,
I've been jammin' for quite a while,
Doin' what's right and settin' the style,
Give me a chance, I'll rock you good,
Nobody messin' in my neighborhood.
I didn't come here lookin' for trouble,
I just came to do The Super Bowl Shuffle

Jammin', settin', messin', lookin', see what I mean about the letter 'G'?
The fact the g's are uncool is actually the reason "nobody messin'" in his neighborhood. There are no gangs there only ' an '. Without the g's they aren't nearly as dangerous.

(Jim McMahon)
I'm the punky QB, known as McMahon.
When I hit the turf, I've got no plan.
I just throw my body all over the field.

Oddly enough that is the same strategy that the Jets use.
I can't dance, but I can throw the pill.
I motivate the cats, I like to tease.

Dancin', throwin' pills, teasin' and givin' motivational speeches to cats. Jim sure is "punky".
I play so cool, I aim to please.
That's why you all got here on the double
To catch me doin' the Super Bowl Shuffle.

(Otis Wilson)
I'm mama's boy Otis, one of a kind.
The ladies all love me
For my body and my mind.
I'm slick on the floor as I can be
But ain't no sucker gonna get past me.
Some guys are jealous
Of my style and class,
That's why some end up on their -,

I didn't edit this, Otis never said where "some" ended up. They just played a sound effect.

I wonder where the people who are jealous of Otis Wilson's style and class end up. Perhaps an enchanted forest, or an alligator pit. If only Otis would tell us.

I didn't come here lookin' for trouble,
I just get down to The Super Bowl Shuffle.

(Steve Fuller)
They say Jimbo is our man.
If Jimmy can't do it, I sure can.
This is Steve, and it's no wonder
I run like lightnin', pass like thunder.
So bring on Atlanta, bring on Dallas,
This is for Mike and Papa Bear Halas.
I'm not here to feather his ruffle,

Feather his ruffle? I am not sure what the heck THAT means.
Steve was Punky Jim's backup QB which explains his butt kissing in the beginning of the verse. The ruffle and the feathers remain unexplained. THANK GOD.
I just came here to do
The Super Bowl Shuffle.

(Mike Richardson)
I'm L.A. Mike, and I play it cool.

L.A. Mike? What the heck is he doing on the Chicago team? I know Los Angeles hates football, but shouldn't Mike be in San Diego or Oakland or something?
They don't sneak by me 'cause I'm no fool.
I fly on the field and get on down.
Everybody knows I don't mess around.
I can break'em, shake'em,
Any time of day.
I like to steal it and make 'em pay,
So please don't try to beat my hustle
'Cause I'm just here to do
The Super Bowl Shuffle.

Beat my hustle?
I guess they keep changing the line BEFORE the "I here doin' the Superbowl Shuffle" part so we will think it is BRILLIANT when we hear the real verse rather than this nonsense.
I like the theory that "hustle" rhymes with "shuffle". I guess they figure ANYTHING rhymes if you pronounce it wrong.

Other words that (sort of) rhyme with "shuffle":
Gomer Pyle
Forrest Gump
Private Benjamin (Oops, I just got distracted and started writing the names of fictional soldiers. Sorry about that.)

(Repeat Chorus)

(Richard Dent)
The sackman's comin', I'm your man Dent.

THE SACKMAN!!!!! THE SACKMAN? Am I the only one that thinks that Fuller has found a guy upon whose ruffle a feathering could be done?
if the quarterback's slow,
He's gonna get bent.
We stop the run, we stop the pass,
I like to dump guys on their -.

Pretending to curse was ALSO very popular in 1985.
We love to play for the world's best fans,
You better start makin'
Your Super Bowl plans.
But don't get ready or go to any trouble
Unless you practice
The Super Bowl Shuffle.

(Gary Fencik)
It's Gary here, and I'm Mr.Clean.
They call me "hit man,"
Don't know what they mean.

Hitman: A hitman (alternately, hit man) is a hired assassin, usually in the employ of organized crime. Hitmen are often hired for an extended period of time, rather than per job. Also the nickname for boxer Tommy Hearns and pro-wrestler Bret Hart.

They throw it long and watch me run,
I'm on my man, one-on-one.
Buddy's guys cover it down to the bone,
That's why they call us the 46 zone.

I don't know what that means, but he didn't know what "hit man" meant so I don't feel too bad.
Come on everybody let's scream and yell,
We're goin' to do the Shuffle,
Then ring your bell.

(William Perry)
You're lookin' at the Fridge,
I'm the rookie.
I may be large, but I'm no dumb cookie.

It is important to note that The Fridge was the most popular man in U.S. history up until this point. School teachers relayed his mighty stories of the gridiron to their students and children were taught to say their prayers to him. Today he mostly enters hot dog eating contests and has to tell a lot of people "No, I wasn't on 'What's Happening', that was Shirley Hemphill. No, she didn't dance with Mr. Bojangles, THAT was Shirley Temple. Could I borrow $20?"
You've seen me hit, you've seen me run,
When I kick and pass, we'll have more fun.
I can dance, you will see
The others, they all learn from me.
I don't come here lookin' for trouble,
I just came here to do
The Super Bowl Shuffle.

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