Thursday, March 17, 2005

Mocking the List: ESPN.COM's Top Sports Movie Quotes

Interesting list someone sent me off ESPN.COM.

It was written by Paul Katcher (or would that be COMPILED by Paul Katcher??) and it features almost ALL of the memorable sports quotes ever uttered.

There were some rules, so before we start whining about what is missing, let's take a look at the rules.

1. Quotes must be sports-related, though they don't have to come from a "sports movie." So the "It must be take a worm for a walk week" line in "The Karate Kid" doesn't qualify because Daniel-san wasn't in the process of getting his head bashed in at the time. But the diving scenes in "Back to School" count.

2. Some deserving quotes have been omitted based on the inappropriate nature of the comments. No doubt, those omissions will lead to reader feedback peppered with four-letter words and insults.

3. Real-life quotes are allowed if they made it into long-beloved movies, such as Lou Gehrig's speech in "The Pride of the Yankees." But Al Michaels' "Do you believe in miracles?" doesn't count.

4. No more than three quotes allowed from any one movie. This was a nearly impossible task for "Caddyshack" and, unfortunately, "Be the ball" is on the outside looking in.

That sounds fair (although #3 seems like a bit of a grey area.

Count 'em down:

50. "I sure miss playing basketball. I got depressed as hell when my athlete's foot and jock itch went away."
Breaking Away

Ewww. Only one quote in and I'm grossed out. Good thing this wasn't "Top Grossest Film Quotes".

That was pretty stupid of me to say. I ask that it be stricken from the record.
49. "I believe God made me for a purpose, but he also made me fast. And when I run, I feel His pleasure."
Chariots of Fire

48. "Hey, unless you're gonna kiss me, get your hands off my ass."
Any Given Sunday

47. "I was crippled for the rest of my life. I got better. He made me better. Hell, you made me better."

46. [Ed Rooney learns the score of the baseball game is nothin'-nothin'.] "Who's winning?"
Ferris Bueller's Day Off

Oh that Ed Rooney. What a card. When you are on the screen WE ARE ALL WINNERS!
45. "Uh, Lord, hallowed be thy name. May our feet be swift; may our bats be mighty; may our balls be plentiful. Lord, I'd just like to thank you for that waitress in South Bend. You know who she is — she kept calling your name. And God, these are good girls, and they work hard. Just help them see it all the way through. OK, that's it."
A League of Their Own

44. "People always say to me, 'When you get to the NBA, don't forget about me.' Well, I should've said back, 'If I don't make it to the NBA, don't you forget about me.' "
Hoop Dreams

43. "You never played for Charlie Comiskey."
Eight Men Out

Yeah, that Comiskey is a real jerk. He probably doesn't even know "who's winning".
42. "If you put your effort and concentration into playing to your potential, to be the best that you can be, I don't care what the scoreboard says. At the end of the game, in my book, we're gonna be winners."

41. "Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the Earth."
The Pride of the Yankees

Sure ya do. Because you get to watch Ed Rooney.
40. "In case you haven't noticed — and, judging by the attendance, you haven't — the Indians have managed to win a few here and there and are threatening to climb out of the cellar."
Major League

39. "You're 5 foot nothin', 100 and nothin' and you have nearly a speck of athletic ability. And you hung in there with the best college football team in the land for two years. And you're gonna walk outta here with a degree from the University of Notre Dame. In this life, you don't have to prove nothin' to nobody but yourself."

38. "I don't hate Balboa. I pity the fool."
Rocky III

Ahhhh, my all time favorite! Should be #1. My other favorite Rocky III is "I'm gonna crucify him, real bad."
37. "U-G-L-Y, you ain't got no alibi! You ugly! You ugly! Yo momma said you ugly!"

36. "Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them."
Tin Cup

35. "Being perfect is about being able to look your friends in the eye and know that you didn't let them down, because you told them the truth. And that truth is that you did everything that you could. There wasn't one more thing that you could've done. Can you live in that moment, as best you can, with clear eyes and love in your heart? With joy in your heart? If you can do that, gentlemen, then you're perfect."
Friday Night Lights

34. "Billy, listen to me. White men can't jump."
White Men Can't Jump

Don't say that to Ed Rooney! He'll jump over your silly but, he will.
33. "Hey, Yankees, you can take your apology and your trophy and shove 'em straight up your ass!"
The Bad News Bears

32. "Put it in the face!"
Coming to America

31. "Sometime when the team is up against it and the breaks are beating the boys, tell them to go out there with all they've got and win just one for the Gipper."
Knute Rockne, All-American

It's cool that Ronald Reagan's George Gipp made the list. Very cool!
30. "So we finish the 18th and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, 'Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know?' And he says, 'Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness.' So I got that goin' for me, which is nice."

29. "I just slid my ticket across the table and I said, 'Sorry, guys, I gotta see about a girl.' "
Good Will Hunting

Ugh, Robin Williams made this list! That is so wrong.
28. "The price is wrong, b*tch!"
Happy Gilmore

27. "I enjoy watching football in the afternoon. One of the things I love about this country. Baseball, too. I love baseball ever since Arnold Rothstein fixed the World Series in 1919."
The Godfather Part II

26. "If he had held the ball laces out like he's supposed to, Ray would never have missed that kick. Dan Marino should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell!"
Ace Ventura

25. "... Whose bright strips and broad stars, in the perilous night. O'er the ramparts we watched, as the da da da da da da. And the rocket's red glare, lots of bombs in the air ..."
The Naked Gun

This movie made me appreciate the fine comedy of one O.J. Simpson! I have been forever grateful.
24. "I guess what I'm trying to say is, if I can change, and you can change, everybody can change."
Rocky IV

23. "There will be an additional springboard installed for Melon's dive, the Triple Lindy!"
Back to School

22. "Get him a body bag, yeaaahhh!"
The Karate Kid

21. "Which brings me to my second point, kids. Don't do crack."
The Waterboy

20. "What about Brett Fav-ruh?"
There's Something About Mary

19. "I'm gonna make Gretzky's head bleed for SuperFan99 over here."

18. "Jocks only think about sports. Nerds only think about sex."
Revenge of the Nerds

And they think about Ed Rooney. Just not at the same time.
17. "Mike Eruzione! Winthrop, Massachusetts! I play for the United States of America!"

16. "Well, Nuke's scared because his eyelids are jammed and his old man's here. We need a live ... is it a live rooster? We need a live rooster to take the curse off Jose's glove, and nobody seems to know what to get Millie or Jimmy for their wedding present."
Bull Durham

15. "Fat man, you shoot a great game of pool."
The Hustler

14. "There's one thing I want you to do for me. Win. Win!"
Rocky II

13. "Pick me out a winner, Bobby."
The Natural

12. "Noonan!"

11. "If you build it, he will come."
Field of Dreams

10. "You're gonna eat lightning, and you're gonna crap thunder!"

Also would have made my "Top Grossest Film Quotes" list.

Uh, let me strike that one, too.
9. "Oh, there they go. There they go. Every time I start talkin' 'bout boxing, a white man got to pull Rocky Marciano out their ass. That's their one, that's their one. Rocky Marciano! Rocky Marciano!"
Coming to America

8. "You guys. You lollygag the ball around the infield. You lollygag your way down to first. You lollygag in and out of the dugout. You know what that makes you? Larry!"
Bull Durham

7. "There's no crying in baseball!"
A League of Their Own

6. "Sweep the leg."
The Karate Kid

5. "I'm out there busting my buns every night. Tell your old man to drag Walton and Lanier up and down the court for 48 minutes."

4. "Juuuust a bit outside!"
Major League

3. "Show me the money!"
Jerry Maguire

Uh.... nah, it's too easy.
2. "You don't understand. I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am. Let's face it. It was you, Charley."
On The Waterfront

1. "Yo, Adrian!"

Yo indeed.

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