I just realized there was a movie out called Clifford's Really Big Movie. It just left the theater in my area today to make way for Shrek 2. How sad. I would really have enjoyed Clifford's Really Big Movie.
It was a 'really big movie' not just a 'big movie' like Piglet and so many others before him. This was 'really big'. "Why so friggin big?" is the question on everyone's mind. Well, I will tell you why. Because Clifford himself is huge. A huge red dog.
HUGE. Not huge like Marmaduke, that other huge red dog (whose comic strip always ends with a sappy panel about some dumb kid who trained his dog to help elderly people slice bananas or some dopey thing like that), no Clifford is GODZILLA huge. KING KONG huge. BEA ARTHUR WITH FRIGGIN GIANTOSIS huge.
To put Clifford in perspective, his owner only stands as tall as his paw. That's a big dog. I know you're waiting for a giant doggie doo joke. Well forget it. Not on my watch, not here, not ever.
Now that I got that out of my system I present my review of Clifford's Really Big Movie. Keep in mind that I never saw the movie and I don't actually know what happens in it.
The movie opens with a beautiful shot of a banana. Credits roll. A small white dog comes in and slices the banana and pushes it towards an old lady. The old lady nods and a little boy comes out and starts babbling about how he trained the dog to do that. Then Clifford steps on all three of them.
Clifford goes home to his owner Emily. Emily tells Clifford that he has to leave because there is a crazed hunter who is out to get him. Clifford runs into the city where he is shot at by the military. Clifford gets mad and starts knocking over buildings and then drinking out of toilets.
Suddenly a mad scientist shows up and gives Clifford a time machine. Clifford takes the machine to the future, where even with the end of McDonald's Super-sizing, Emily has gotten so fat that she is now larger than Clifford. Clifford now no longer has to deal with the shame of being larger than her. They then live happily ever after.