Thursday, May 12, 2005

Katie Couric interviews Sweetie

To celebrate one year of the online haven that is I tried to book myself on the Today Show with Katie Couric. I couldn't get booked on the show, so I took a list of questions from a transcript of another Katie Couric interview and made up my own answers. I hope it works out for you.

Sweetie Guy Hutchinson: Hi Katie, nice to be here.

Katie Couric: Looking very stylish this morning, I might add.

Sweetie Guy Hutchinson: You look pretty hot too.

Katie Couric: Listen, as I said, we got over 1,500 e-mails, and a lot of people really wanted to know - and I know you're sick of this question...

Sweetie Guy Hutchinson: Why is my nickname “Sweetie”?

Katie Couric: Exactly.

Sweetie Guy Hutchinson: Well, I was in a diner trying to come up with a clever internet ‘nom de plum’ and I could not think of one. Then the waitress came over. She was a 65 year old woman with fat ankles. She looked at me and said “Can I get you more coffee, sweetie?” It was then that I knew what my nickname should be “coffee”. Later I decided to read five books of the Kama Sutra.

Katie Couric: Right. Can I ask you sort of an annoying question? How far along are you in Book 5?

Sweetie Guy Hutchinson: That’s not annoying. I’m at the page where the Indian guy puts his leg behind his head. Perhaps I can show you and some of the girls in the audience after we are done.

Katie Couric: So people may have to wait--?

Sweetie Guy Hutchinson: Sure, just form a single file line after the interview. I bet you want to go first.

Katie Couric: A little bit ... so they're going to have to be patient. They're going to have to read like one through four for the 27th time.

Sweetie Guy Hutchinson: What? Oh, the books. Yeah. I just thought you wanted to sleep with me. I bet you would loosen up if you did.

Katie Couric: Exactly, that's a very good point. Alright, let me tell you some of the e-mail questions that we selected. Emma, who's age 11, says, "Dear J.K. Rowling, when you were a little girl, what were your favorite books?"

Sweetie Guy Hutchinson: J.K. Rowling?

Katie Couric: Is that an English author?

Sweetie Guy Hutchinson: I have no idea. You should probably see if you have emails that pertain to me.

Katie Couric: Why?

Sweetie Guy Hutchinson: Because if I just answer questions regarding other people. I would just be making a bunch of nonsense up. Don’t you think the audience would hate that?

Katie Couric: Well, I don't know ... maybe they'd be enlightened.

Sweetie Guy Hutchinson: Yeah, well you audiences aren’t known for their intelligence, right? I saw one of them writing dirty limericks on the bathroom wall. He misspelled “Nantucket”.

Katie Couric: And what did he write that you enjoy?

Sweetie Guy Hutchinson: I don’t know. I was kind of in a rush. His handwriting was pretty neat, I guess. Alright, let’s go back to the J.K. Rowling emails.

Katie Couric: Here's Sarah; she's nine. (Reading next e-mail) "I'm 9 years old. I live in Rhode Island. My question for Ms. Rowling is: Will you keep writing Harry Potter books that will take him through his adult life? He could be a teacher at Hogwarts!"

Sweetie Guy Hutchinson: Oh! Rowling is the lady who writes that Harry Potter stuff. I’m not a fan.

Katie Couric: Well, good! I hope you're not! (Both laugh.)

Sweetie Guy Hutchinson: I’d like to punch her in the face.

Katie Couric: That would make big news here this morning.

Sweetie Guy Hutchinson: Yeah, too bad only fat middle aged broads watch this show.

Katie Couric: Kathy from Georgia says: "In all four books, Hermione constantly refers to the book Hogwarts: A History. Are you considering compiling and publishing such a book?"

Sweetie Guy Hutchinson: Jeez, you are the worst interviewer I have ever seen! Don’t you have any of your own questions? Stop reading emails and ask me something. ANYTHING!

Katie Couric: And the proceeds will go to Comic Relief?

Sweetie Guy Hutchinson: O.K. that makes no sense. Are you still reading off your notes? Read the question above that.

Katie Couric: And also a charity in the U.S. that's yet to be named? Or just basically those two right now?

Sweetie Guy Hutchinson: No, I am completely lost. Let’s just go back to the emails.

Katie Couric: Jennifer and her son, Paul, have a joint question: "Who is your favorite teacher or staff member at Hogwarts and why?"

Sweetie Guy Hutchinson: I like the old dude with the big hat. Although I might be thinking of Lord of the Rings. I get them confused a lot.

Katie Couric: From Casey, who's nine, from Annapolis: "Are any of the characters based on anyone you knew or know in real life?"

Sweetie Guy Hutchinson: I don’t know. Is there a character in those books that is a lousy interviewer? Ah, never mind.

Katie Couric: I'm not sure if we should bite this off, but I'm going to. Tammy in Kansas was wondering: "What would encourage you to write books for children that are supporting the devil, witchcraft and anything that has to do with Satan?" You've heard that before.

Sweetie Guy Hutchinson: I wish Satan would come here and blow his nose in your hair. But I guess I’m a jerk. I read that in the “Being Interviewed for Dummies”.

Katie Couric: You have heard criticism along those lines ever since the beginning and I think it also grew since more and more books came out.

Sweetie Guy Hutchinson: Yeah, sure. I gotta go; I have to pick up my dry cleaning.

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