Monday, February 14, 2005

The History of Valentines Day

Many people know Valentine's Day started in the Roman Empire. What they do not know is that it was founded by the same man who invented the greeting card.

That man was the Bard of Hallmarkacus, William "Fats" Hallmark. Hallmark believed that people of the day spent far too much time engaged in swordplay rather than matters of the heart.

He often said "If thou would stoppeth fussin' and a fuedin' we could learn to love each other."

One day, to celebrate the birthday of his wife, Elisabeth, Hallmark took a scroll and wrote upon it the following words "I loveth thou and thinkith of thou often. In the morn and morrow I thinkith of thou's fine hair. When I eatith and drinkith I still am reminded of thou and thou's warm smile. When I sit in yonder outhouse I thinkith only your sweet embrace (excepth when thy flies are a plenty. Then I just hurry up and get out of the outhouse.) Yes, it is thou I loveth, too bad thou is dead."

It is important to note that Elisabeth was NOT dead. In ancient Rome, the word "dead" had two uses. It could mean "one who has passed away" or "one who is unable to wear shoes." Elisabeth had notoriously large feet and her toes each pointed in a different direction.

Hallmark was so pleased with his scroll that he decided to make others to sell.

In those days the date of February 14th was a holiday to honor Juno. Juno was the Queen of the Roman Gods and Goddesses, and a damn good soccer player. The Romans also knew her as the Goddess of women and marriage. She was often called by the abbreviation Miss GOWAM (Goddess of women and marriage). Unfortunately at the age of 28 (because of low life expectancy in Roman times this was like living to be 132 years old) Juno was unable to defend her title and the title was broken up into two separate titles: Goddess of Women and Goddess of Marriage. After this an unscrupulous promoter named Don Kingus all but destroyed the sport with his corrupt ways.

Still, Hallmark thought February 14 would be the perfect day to sell his scrolls. So he used the power of guilt to get every man to pay $3.99 for a scroll for their wife.


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