Saturday, May 29, 2004

Stupid kids

Kids hang out outside my home. Always. They ride their bikes, torture bugs and break bottles. Pretty much the same things I did when I was a kid. Honestly, it's pretty much the same things I do now on the weekends. Throw in get into a drunken brawl and me asking strange women to show me their tattoos and you have Christmas weekend.

Anyway, I saw the kids crowding around gossiping and one of them said "She's got a dirty mouth. And I mean a dirty mouth with dirt in it." After she said this, the kids laughed and LAUGHED. The kids all were amused. Let us try to figure out why.

"She's got a dirty mouth. And I mean a dirty mouth with dirt in it."

Read it aloud.

"She's got a dirty mouth. And I mean a dirty mouth with dirt in it."

Look around you. Are people laughing hysterically? No? Hmmmmm. WHY then, was this funny to the kids?
Let's break it down:

"She's got a dirty mouth...

So her mouth is dirty. She has a dirty mouth. One would assume this means that the aforementioned female swears and cusses A LOT. She says dirty words and thus, she has a figuratively dirty mouth.

...And I mean a dirty mouth with dirt in it."

Ahh! This must be the funny part! Instead of just having a mouth that is figuratively dirty, this mouth has DIRT in it!

Let's see how this line would have worked in Gone With The Wind

Scarlett: Rhett, Rhett... Rhett, if you go, where shall I go? What shall I do?
Rhett Butler: Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.
Scarlett: Rhett you've got a dirty mouth. And I mean a dirty mouth with dirt in it."

I don't know. Maybe it would have enhanced the film. Maybe THAT would be the line that was constantly quoted. Maybe Mad TV would do a wacky skit that ended like this:

Man: Where are my big damn shoes? Woman I need my big damn shoes!
Woman: Buddy! You've got a dirty mouth. And I mean a dirty mouth with dirt in it.
Cue the crazy laughter.

Yup. We all say stupid things when we are children. I remember that I had a club. My club consisted of me and two dorky kids that had no OTHER friends. My guess is that deep down we formed the club BECAUSE we had no other friends.
It was a defense mechanism. If anyone ever came by and asked why we only hung out together, the club would be our reason.

Cool kid: Don't you guys have any other friends?
Us: Well, we can't. See we have a club and the membership is very exclusive. Just the other day a bunch of really cool guys came by and tried to join, but they were refused. It's really exclusive.

I don't remember much about my club, but I do remember when I wrote the pledge. Being such an exclusive club we NEEDED a pledge.
The only pledge I knew of was the Pledge Of Allegiance, and the only other club I knew of was the BMG Music Club.
So I took the membership application from BMG and the Pledge Of Allegiance and cobbled together something that VAGUELY resembled an original pledge.
I was very proud of myself. I got up at the meeting (oh yeah, we had MEETINGS) and I read the pledge. It went something like this:

I pledge allegiance to the club and the United States Of America
This club has more superstars than ever and can be yours for no obligation
We will defend our club and our country against all who are not completely satisfied

"STOP RIGHT THERE!" one of the children shouted "We can't defend the country against the RUSSIANS!"
I tried to reason with them. I explained that it was unlikely that Russian Troops would show up in the woods behind my house.
"But what if the army drafts us?" He asked.
Hmmm, this I HADN'T thought of. After all, what well organized fighting regime doesn't need a bunch of goofy ten year olds, especially ones that have membership in a CLUB.

So needless to say, I had to rewrite the pledge. Thankfully the Russians NEVER did show up in the woods. But If they had I could have put them in their place.

Russian Soldier: We will crush you, you ugly Capitalistic pig!
Me: You've got a dirty mouth. And I mean a dirty mouth with dirt in it.

That would have done it.

LINKS:

UGLY KID
Here is the website for a movie called the Ugly Kid. THAT is what the other members of the club looked like.

What stupid things did you say as a kid?

Friday, May 28, 2004

Advice to the lovelorn

America's foremost advice columnist answers your questions about love, life and VCR repair.

Dear Sweetie,
Almost every relationship I've ever been in has ended badly and I'm always the one to get hurt. I either get cheated on or left for someone else. Is there something wrong with me or do I just keep picking the wrong girls?
-Bad Picker

Dear Picker,
You are probably just not wearing enough cologne. Women love men that wear lots of cologne.
-Sweetie

Dear Sweetie,
I love how he produces Saturday Night Live (executivly, no less.) I am enchanted by his silver hair and manly physique. How can I get him to notice me?
-Drooling Dame

Dear Drooling,
You are on the wrong website. This is advice for the 'lovelorn' not those that 'love Lorne Michaels. However, I can help.
Pin a note on your shirt that says "If found please return to Lorne Michaels." Then get lost. If you don't know how to write, or they don't give you sharp objects where you are, just get lost.
-Sweetie

Dear Sweetie
Dude I can't find the remote.
-Out Of Controls

Dear Out,
It's probably under the couch.
-Sweetie

Dear Sweetie,
My Wife hates my dog. She keeps telling me that she is going to leave me if the dog stays. What should I do.
-In The Doghouse

Dear In
Throw all of her make-up in the toilet. She'll be so busy worrying about that she won't have time to worry about the dog.
-Sweetie

Dear Sweetie,
Dude, I looked under the couch, it isn't there.
-Out Of Controls

Dear Out,
I don't know. Hey, I just told some guy to throw his wife's make-up in the toilet.
-Sweetie

Dear Sweetie,
Awesome. Do you think he'll do it?
-Out Of Controls

Dear Out,
Probably, he sounded pretty stupid.
-Sweetie

Do you have any questions for Sweetie? If so write them on the men's room wall at the mall (by the food court), or post a comment.

Thursday, May 27, 2004

Ridin'

Wow. I just saw an old man almost get hit by a car. Actually that isn't quite true. I just saw a woman miss an old man by over ten feet and then the old man acted like he was almost hit.
Big time acting. He did a stutter step, back and forth almost like a dance. He extended his arms as if to HOLD the car back (assuming that it jumped 11 feet horizontally.) He then made the "are you drunk?" face. It may have been the "was that Ted Kennedy face?" I am not quite sure.
Anyway he hobbled off the road and wiped his brow clutched his chest and died on the spot. Or maybe he went to the deli to buy a copy of Big Butt Magazine and a strawberry milk. I have no idea, I was long gone by that point.

But, it reminded me of something that happened to me about five years ago. I was in Epcot in Walt Disney World. Specifically I was on the second floor of The Land Pavilion exiting the Circle Of Life attraction. I was so pleased to learn our place in the "great circle of life", us humans are near the TOP!

An elderly lady in a wheelchair was exiting the show as well. A MOTORIZED wheelchair. She was speeding along next to me and then she started to veer towards the wall, I tried to move out of the way, but it was to no avail. She hit me, HARD.
I am not ashamed to admit this, but the little old lady in the wheelchair almost made me CRY. She did make me BLEED. A small scrape for sure, but I was scraped. Many onlookers ran over blood started to trickle down my shin and a bruise started to form.
"Are you alright?" a man shouted
"Yeah, I could probably use a band-aid" I said "Do you have anyones with dinosaurs on them? Or maybe the ones with the sharks riding skateboard..."
I looked up from my wound to see that no one was looking at me. Everyone was looking at the old lady.
"I'm fine" she said "There are just to many damn people here. And, it's too hot."
Seventeen people rushed her over to the concession stand to buy her a soda. I was left behind. Nothing to do but stand there and BLEED.
Now, with his near miss, this old man knew how I felt. But, what about the things I have hit with my car?

Let me see where to begin?
I hit my own mailbox once. It was a snowy day in December. As I went to turn into the driveway, the car skidded and hit the mailbox. Snapped it like a Slim Jim.

I hit a deer once. He had it coming to him. We were at a bar and he kept making mean comments about American Idol so I slugged him.
That was a joke. I hate American Idol, so I bought him and his deer friends a round of drinks.

Two time I have been hit by deer. Really! Once I was driving down the road when a stampeded of deer started crossing in front of and behind my car. I stopped. One deer, a big stupid one that looked like a cow, slowly WALKED head first into my car. He then shook his head and moved on. He must be one of those "special" deer that gets picked last for dodge ball.
He left a small ding in the door. The other deer was much worse. I was going over a bridge and he jumped on the bridge, and the hood of my car. He rolled off leaving a trail of deer spit and fur.
FYI Deer spit looks like marshmallow whip, but doesn't taste like it. It tastes more like those hard pieces of chalk that the Hot Cocoa companys PRETEND are marshmallows.

In addition to the deer, I have hit squirrels, trashcans, a possum and what was either a raccoon or a midget burglar. Either way, he DESERVED it.

What have you hit?

Wednesday, May 26, 2004

He aint ugly, he's Tom's cousin

William Mapother. I feel so mean writing this, but I feel I must.

In 2001 I saw Mission Impossible 2 and I was shocked by what I saw.
No not the constant use of masks and flashbacks, no, it was William Mapother. William Mapother was the ugliest man I have ever seen. Distractingly ugly.
I have seen a lot of ugly in my life. I saw a documentary where "Lord Of The Rings" director Peter Jackson ate a meatball sandwich on a hot day. With no napkins. I have seen a wrestler that calls himself Bastion Booger. I once saw Phyllis Diller without makeup. But, William Mapother, man was he ugly.

He had a wispy beard that seemed to start at the eyebrows. His nose began somewhere in the middle of his forehead. Children ran screaming from the theater. It was like when "Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron" was playing.

After the film, I tried for weeks to forget what I just saw. Then, a year later Vanilla Sky came out. For those that haven't seen this, Tom Cruise plays a man who wears a mask to hide his face. In one scene William Mapother shows up. I kept waiting for him to borrow the mask.

As soon as I left the theater I had to find out who this William Mapother was. If he could be in show business, I was going to run for president. If the world of glitz and glamour had embraced this Quasimodo, I should be a lock for leader of the free world.

A quick internet search and I find Mapother is Tom Cruise's cousin. Tom Cruise was born Tom Mapother. Once I learned this I was relieved. I now understood why he was in films and I no longer needed to run the country. I took Monica Lewinski off speed dial.

However, this answer posed a new and more challenging question. 'How could Tom Cruise, who is considered to be good looking by most everyone, be from the same gene pool as a man who looks like a bad cross between Dave Coulier and Bert from Sesame Street?'

I still don't know. Perhaps all the good genes in the family went to Tom Cruise. Maybe he is the Super Mapother. Maybe the rest of his family looks like the brood in Texas Chainsaw Massacre maybe Boo Radley was inspired by his ancestors? I don't know.

Mapother has since appeared in 'In The Bedroom'. I have seen some more recent photos and he isn't as glaringly strange to look at. Perhaps it is that he shaved the beard. Maybe he had a facelift. Perhaps like caterpillars, all Mapothers must go through a larva and pupa stage before they emerge as butterflies.

Either way, this Bud's for you William Mapother. You make Tom look even better.

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

Alone on the internet (AKA It is very cold in cyberspace)

No one ever reads this webpage. Really, they don't. I don't have to tell you, because you're not there. Nope, I am alone. Like Vincent Price in Last Man On Earth, or like that one guy who went to see Last Days Of Disco in the theater. No one else is in earshot.

I checked this page's hit counter last night. It was at negative 2. I didn't even know you could have a negative number. I asked the provider how this could be possible and he said two people wandered into this site by accident an notified him to make sure nobody mistook that for actual web traffic. For good measure, he took the counter down an extra two just in case.

So I am alone. At first I was sad. Then, I realized how liberating this is! Why bother to use punctuation or coherent sentence structure. I will just let it fly! Here goes:

shrek2

i saw shrek 2 its good i like the cat with the boots he is funny he tried to eat a mous and shek said stop hahaha
the movie starts right arfter the other shrek i am glad they called this one shrek 2 too many moviees have stupid titles like laura crokt tombradidere cradele of life that is too long or teen wolf too that is stupid
i hear that justin bateman really is a wolf and he cant read or write
well i guess i cant blame him for avoiding this webpage
so anyway shrek and fiona are married fiona was a hot chick that turned into a green ogre like shrek her parents are humans and british shrek seems to be scottish puss in boots is spanish this movie is a real meltingpot
so the king wants prince sharming to marry his daughter
shrek feels bad so he takes a potion that turns him into fred flintstone the talking donkey takes the potion and he turns into a horse
there was a little kid in the theater who kept running up and down the aisles saying shrek rules and donkey drools the kid seemed stupid but donkey s do in fact drool
bye bye

Monday, May 24, 2004

Sing, sing a song

Yesterday I had an epiphany. I learned the correct lyrics to Billy Joel's song "You May Be Right".
I listened to this song a lot as a child; I am not sure why I liked it so much. Perhaps it was the glass smashing at the beginning of the song. Sound effect records were popular then, but I didn't have one. I did have the smashing glass from the beginning of this song and a robot singing "P.Y.T" on Michael Jackson's Thriller. Maybe that is why I liked this song. Maybe it was because he said "But it just may be a lunatic you're looking for." Emphasis on loooonatic. Crazy people were popular then, and I didn't have one of those either.
Nonetheless, I liked this song. I played it over and over on my record player. I had the one that looks like it is covered in denim (I believe that E.T. used the same record player to make his phone). There was one lyric I always sung wrong:

I've been stranded in the combat zone
I walked the Bedford Stuy alone

I always sang:
I've been stranded in the combat zone
I went to bed with Sly Stallone

I didn't do this to be funny; this is just what I thought he was singing. Yesterday I heard the song for the first time in years, and I sang along. After singing that verse I suddenly realized that it couldn't be right. Billy Joel never went to bed with Sly Stallone! Frank Stallone, maybe. But, never Sly. Weird.
I never realized how strange the lyrics I sung were, but my lyrics weren't the strangest I heard that day:

Cecillia by Paul Simon (To listen to this verse click here)

Making love in the afternoon with Cecilia,
Up in my bedroom, making love
I got up to wash my face
When I come back to bed
Someone's taken my place

Let’s analyze that. He is in his bedroom, and he is making love with Cecillia. Makes sense so far.
He gets up to wash his face. OK, I'm lost now. He's making love, and he stops to wash his face? How did that happen! What did he say?

Paul: Hold on a sec Cecillia. I have to go wash my face.
Cecillia: You have to do what???
Paul: Wash my face. I have very sensitive skin. I may exfoliate my skin as well. Especially around the chin. I'll just be a minute.

It makes no sense, but let’s go on. So Paul goes in and washes his face. We he comes back someone has TAKEN HIS PLACE.
WHAT! So Cecillia is now making love with someone ELSE? That is absurd!
Paul was washing his FACE. This act could not have taken more than a minute. I have seen Paul Simon's face; it is very small and tidy. Perhaps if Michael Moore was singing the song, a thirty minute face washing would make sense. Michael would have to scour the beard and in between each fold in the neck. I am sure he would have a project on his hands, maybe uncovering appetizers from the Golden Globes after party from '01. But Paul Simon? This is a 60 second scrub, even if he has to get a washcloth from the closet and open a new bar of Zest.
So, a minute later he comes back and someone has "taken HIS place". In HIS bedroom. WHAT? Who is this guy? How did he get into Paul's house? Did Paul lock the door? Did Cecillia have him on stand by? Did she mistake 'wash my face' to mean 'go to the DMV to get a new driver's license?' How could she possibly think she could get away with this chicanery?
Paul, your story doesn't make sense. I bet you never even met Cecillia. I bet the original lyrics were:

Eating Lunch in the afternoon, by myself,
Up in my bedroom, eating lunch
I got up to wash my face
When I came back to bed
I sat on my plate

Saturday, May 22, 2004

Breakfast: A meal full of lies

Why must breakfast be such a cauldron of trouble?

Lie #1: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lie, lie, lie! What is breakfast? Divide it into two words and you get 'break' and 'fast.' Let us look at the definitions:
Break- To cause to separate into pieces suddenly or violently; smash.
Fast- To abstain from food.
What? So breakfast literally means to smash things and not eat? That is pretty stupid. Doesn't sound like the most important meal of the day to me. Plus even though you can get breakfast at McDonalds (and something sorta like breakfast at Burger King) breakfast is not available at Kentucky Fried Chicken. Think about that if breakfast was so important would the Colonel just dismiss it? I doubt it.

Lie #2: McDonald's breakfast menu
I love McGriddles. I was pleasantly surprised by how good they tasted, but I don't think I will ever have another one. To be honest, I don't know how I ever got the one I ate. Why? McDonalds stops serving them at 10:30am! 10:30 AM! (That second 10:30am was capitalized to show my anger.) That's just to early to stop serving breakfast. Stupid clown.
Plus, why do they give you such a small orange juice? Why are there no breakfast happy meals? Why aren't there CAPITAL numbers? I want to capitalize a number!

Lie #3: ________ is selling like hotcakes
This is downright stupid. You always hear how things sell 'like hotcakes.' Be honest, have you ever known hotcakes to be a big seller? Have you ever gone to Denny's and ordered hotcakes only to find that they were SOLD OUT? No. That just makes hotcakes sound like a Tickle Me Elmo at Christmas, but they aren't. I have tried to sell hotcakes out of the trunk of my car and on eBay. There were NO buyers! Not one.
"Hey this new album is selling like hotcakes!" That is a really dumb expression. Wouldn't it make more sense to say "Hey this new album is selling like a new ALBUM." Hotcakes are not big sellers, do not be fooled.

Lie #4: Part of this nutritious breakfast
Did you ever see a cereal commercial where at the end they say "part of this nutritious breakfast." They show a bowl of cereal surrounded by a glass of orange juice, a glass of milk, two pieces of toast, butter, bacon, an egg, a ham hock, a bowl of grits, a foot long turkey sub and a Mounds bar. What kind of nut would prepare breakfast to go WITH their cereal. That is the whole point of cereal. You pour it into a bowl, add milk and you are done. That is the beauty of cereal. Quit trying to make it sound nutritious by EMPTYING a fridge on to the table next to it.

Lie #5: Cereal is for everyone
Apparently not! Think back to every cereal commercial ever. What happened? Someone wanted cereal and someone else stood between them and the cereal.
'Sorry Trix rabbit, Trix are for kids.'
'Cookie Crook you are going to JAIL for eating cereal!'
'Sonny, you may be cuckoo for CoCo Puffs, but we'd like to see you starve.'
Even Fred Flintstone keeps the Fruity Pebbles away from Barney. Barney is his best friend! Does Fred share? No! Barney has to dress up like a Robot and sneak in to get taste. It is mind boggling.
Even Cap'n Crunch and the Soggies, I am sure that feud STARTED over selfishness.

Well, gotta run. I have a trunk of hotcakes to empty.

Friday, May 21, 2004

Happy Birthday Mr. T!!!!

On May 21, 1952 the man, who would one day be known to the world as Mr. T, was born.

Mr. T is my favorite celebrity, and often people ask me why, why Mr. T. Alright, two times people asked me, but anyway but it was still a valid question.

Here is why:

FAVORITE MOVIE ACTOR: Mr. T
I love Rocky III, but not just because of the scene where Rocky and Apollo hug on the beach - in slow motion - wearing socks pulled up to their thighs - while clapping. No, I love Rocky III because of Clubber Lang. This is really a tour-de-force performance (well, it is probably a tour-de force performance. I don't exactly know what that means.) Mr. T is downright scary in some of these scenes as he shoves Mickey against a wall, trains in a DUNGEON, and promises to CRUCIFY Rocky - 'real bad'.


FAVORITE TV ACTOR: Mr. T
The A-Team is great, but the show where Mr. T shines brightest is 'T And T' where he plays T.S. Turner. Picture Mr. T in a suit and tie wearing glasses. Picture him fighting crimes (one of which involved the Fat Boys.) Multiply that by 30 minutes and you have T And T.

FAVORITE MUSICIAN: Mr. T
Mr. T put out 2 albums in the 1980's: 'Be Somebody Or Be Somebody's Fool' and 'Mr. T's Commandments'. Mr. T's Commandments is the better of the two just because it features some of the most unique songs ever. If you haven't heard him rap 'The Toughest Man In The World', you haven't heard music. “The toughest man in the world is the one who know the right way to go / The toughest man in the world is strong inside he don’t ever hide”

FAVORITE AUTHOR: Mr. T
Yup, he wrote a book. Actually more than one. He co-authored a children's book called 'Be Somebody Or Be Somebody's Fool'. This was a companion piece to the aforementioned album, which was a companion piece to a video of the same name. He also has written a book called 'Cancer Saved My Life' that has yet to be published. His autobiography 'Mr. T:The Man With The Gold' did go to publication and is a truly fascinating read. It describes his journey from the rough ghettos to superstardom.

FAVORITE ATHLETE: Mr. T
I love pro wrestling. I find it exciting and fun. The outcome is predetermined: fun. Yup, pro wrestling gives the weather forecast a 90% chance of fun.
Allow me to start over. Mr. T was a pro wrestler. He appeared in Wrestlemania and Wrestlemania 2. I like Mr. T.

FAVORITE COUNTRY MUSIC SINGER: Conway Twitty
Conway once had an album called 'Mr. T.'

FAVORITE BREAKFAST CEREAL: Mr. T’s
O.K., it was just Cap'n Crunch shaped like the letter T, but it was cool. Also, you got free stickers and a comic on the back about cereal thieves.

FAVORITE CARTOON CHARACTER: Mister T
Yeah, Mister T. I am not sure why, but during the opening of the Mr. T cartoon series they spell out Mr. m-i-s-t-e-r. Perhaps they had extra animated cels in the studio from the failed 'Mister, Mister' cartoon series. It certainly was odd to spell his name out like that. It would be like titling the X-Men cartoon Echks-Men.
If you don't recall the cartoon, the premise is like this: Mr. T (uh Mister T?) leads a group of gymnast s around from event to event. Along the way they fight crime. Why was he with the gymnasts? Why did they spell his name out like that? How did he take off all that gold at night? One chain at a time or all at once? Who cares! It is a great cartoon!

FAVORITE CHILDHOOD TOY: Mr. T action figure
Yes, this was pretty cool. They made 2 Mr. T A-Team figures. One was the same size as the rest of the A-Team, but the other towered over them. He was over a foot tall and the rest of the team was about six inches. I used to have Mr. T carry the rest of the A-Team on his shoulders as he went around fighting crime. It was like they had their own Godzilla and he had a Mohawk.

FAVORITE COMIC BOOK: Mr. T and The T- Force
Yes, this 1993 comic series featured Mr. T fighting crime and wielding a video camera that looked like a gun. It featured positive messages like ‘don’t steal’ and ‘stay in school’ and ‘don’t lick the grill when it is on.’ Sadly I had to learn that last one the hard way.

So in closing it is easy to be a fan of Mr. T, because Mr. T is all things. Who can compare to the sheer merchandising madness that is Mr. T? Have you ever eaten Tom Cruise cereal? Nope. Did you ever see Johnny Depp step inside the wrestling ring? I haven’t. What about the Gordon Jump cartoon? Never existed!
Not even a three headed monster featuring the heads of Marilyn Monroe, Elvis Presley and Pope John Paul II could compete with the media saturation that is Mr. T. Never. However, I bet that monster would headline Wrestlemania.

UPDATE: July 11, 2004

I got a chance to meet Mr. T again at the XTRA Sports Winning Way Event in fabulous Anaheim California.
It was awesome. Mr. T spoke about his love for God and America. The event was a motivational speaking event. Mr. T was speaking along with Hulk Hogan and Goldberg.

Afterwards I spoke to Mr. T at the autograph session. Very, very cool.

Thursday, May 20, 2004

Abe Lincoln: a man and his BEARD

I love Abe. He is one of the most famous men that has ever lived. He freed the slaves. He remains one of our most beloved presidents (and during his presidency he was one of the least popular.)

Abe was a fascinating man, working on a farm, and as a rail splitter. He had four children with his wife Mary Todd. Mary Todd, you may know, was crazy! Certifiably insane! Cuckoo for Coco Puffs! A few fries short of a Happy Meal! A few tacos short of a... uh... I got nothing, sorry.

Anyway, Abe was assassinated by John Wilkes Booth. Booth was a well respected actor who had performed before the president. To put this in perspective, this was like Jack Black coming after a world leader with a sawed off shotgun. It is, like many things associated with Abe, fascinating.

This brings me to my point. Ask anyone to describe Abe Lincoln and the answer will undoubtedly include "beard without a moustache". One of the most accomplished men that have ever lived and his whole life can be diluted into a facial hair style.
Any time you ever see a man with a beard and no moustache that is exactly who you think of. He could be 400 pounds and wearing a chicken suit and people would still think he looks like Abe. Even better, a woman could have a beard and no moustache and people would say 'look at the Abe beard' before they said 'Hey! That's a lady with a beard!'

Abe is perhaps the most iconic person in American history. It's a safe bet that if a man dressed as Abe Lincoln was walking down the street next to a naked supermodel, people would talk about that day for the rest of their natural lives. And, it's an even safer bet that they would say 'Guess who was walking down the street next to a naked supermodel? A guy with an Abe Lincoln beard!'

Yes, Abe and his beard have changed the world. I assume that the beard with no moustache was very popular in Abe's day, today is rarely seen. People that do have that beard are constantly annoyed by people making comparisons to Abe.
Only one other man has ever wielded the power to destroy a facial hair style. Hitler. Yes, before Hitler, the little moustache was one of the most popular styles of moustache (right behind 'handle bar' and 'hold a pencil under my nose and pretend it is a moustache'). Even Charlie Chaplin had a little moustache, but with a slip of the razor, Hitler rendered his moustache obsolete. Abe did the same for the beard with no moustache. It still lives on, but will always be linked to Abe.

In fabulous Disneyland California, there remains a wonderful show called Great Moments With Mr. Lincoln. In this show you enjoy 3D audio and see an animatronic beard. AN ANIMATRONIC BEARD.
The show tells the story of a young soldier who is off to meet Lincoln; you get to experience his story in first person. You experience his life from when he gets his hair cut to when he gets shot. It is really cool.
Then the curtain opens and out steps Abe. Abe stands before you and speaks. It is really breathtaking. If only a naked supermodel was next to him.

To learn more about Abe Lincoln, visit your local library.

Wednesday, May 19, 2004

The Ten Greatest Minor Characters In Movie History (part 1 of 2)

10. GEORGE LUCAS IN BEVERLY HILLS COP 3(1994)
Yes, before he decided to spend all his time doing voice-overs as a donkey and giving rides to transvestite hookers, Eddie Murphy made a series of films called Beverly Hills Cop.
The premise was simple Eddie would point at things and laugh like a duck with asthma. This worked for two films. By the time the third and forth Beverly Hills Cop (secretly released under the name 'Metro') rolled around people had tired of his schtick.
So for part 3, Murphy enlisted the help of, the one an only, George Lucas.
The scene was simple: Murphy addresses some tourists and then the camera reveals that one of the tourists was George Lucas! (Not sure why I put an exclamation point there, at this point in the paragraph that was pretty much a given.)
So Lucas stared at the camera and thousands of movie viewers shouted "Get back to work, Lucas! Quick making us wait for those other Star Wars films! We need our Jar Jar Binks!"

9. LAUGHING GUY IN LADYKILLERS(2004)
Man, this was great. If you haven't seen the Coen Brothers Ladykillers yet, hurry out and see it. Even if only for Laughing Guy. A portly happy laughing guy. We should all be so lucky.
If you haven't seen it yet, picture yourself tickling Reuben Studdard. Eh, wait don't do that.

8. WHAT? YEAH! GUY IN PUNISHER (1989)
We all get short changed in life at some time or other. Maybe you got a cheaper bike than your sister. Maybe she had a deeper voice than you. Maybe your shopping cart always has a loose wheel. Maybe your sister always had a loose wheel. Well, then you know how the What? Yeah! Guy felt.
He got a part in a movie where he only had two words, just two. Not powerful words like "Rose Bud" or "I'm Pregnant" or "Free Pizza!". His words were 'what' and 'yeah' and he made the most of them.
He stretched every letter out, making the words sound like they were 14 syllables long. He did so with a bizarre New York accent and the volume of an opera singer. Then he was shot dead. Rest in peace, What? Yeah! Guy.

7. CARTER IN THE LOST WORLD:JURASSIC PARK (1997)
Tommy Rosales. Even if you don't recognize the name, trust me, you know who he is. If you have ever seen a thug of Spanish descent get killed in an action film, that was Tommy Rosales.
The guy whose head blows up in the beginning of 'The Running Man' - Tommy Rosales.
The guy who gets sliced in half in 'Vampires' - Tommy Rosales
The guy who gets sucked out of a plane in 'U.S. Marshals' - Tommy Rosales
The guy whose car gets smashed in 'Good Burger' - Sinbad (just wanted to see if you were paying attention)
Well, this brings us to 'The Lost World: Jurassic Park', Dieter Stark gets up to pee and who does he tell to watch his back? Carter (Tommy Rosales). But Carter is to busy listening to a mariachi band on Walkman and eating nachos. So Dieter gets eaten. It's all Carter's fault! But who can blame him, a mariachi/nachos one two punch could make anyone oblivious to the world around them.
So Carter moves on, until... he wakes up to see a T-Rex in the camp. Tommy screams like a girl, causing havoc in the camp, moments later the T-Rex steps on him, and he sticks to the bottom of T-Rex's foot. Let me repeat that HE STICKS TO THE BOTTOM OF T-REX'S FOOT! Good God! To think Robin Williams won the academy award that year, instead of Tommy. Where is the justice!

6. MR. T IN INSPECTOR GADGET (1999)
Cool. Finally we get to the one and only Mr. T. I am excited!
At the conclusion of the otherwise mediocre 'Inspector Gadget' we got a plethora of awesome cameos. First Don Adams as the voice of Brain the dog, then we get a Minions Anonymous meeting.
This was a pretty funny concept, a group of henchmen together in an 'AA meeting' setting. One of them is dressed as Tonto, one as Tattoo, one as Odd Job etc.
Sitting in the front row is Richard Kiel, famous for his role as Eegah in the film 'Eegah'. You may also remember him as 'Jaws' from the James Bond films (or maybe he played James Bond in the 'Jaws' films) either way, he had metal teeth.
Next to Kiel is Mr. T. Mr. T is smiling and clapping along with the rest of the Minions. What makes his appearance so special (other than the fact that he is Mr. T, damnit!) is that he is not sporting his famous Mohawk (or Mandinka) haircut, nor is he wearing his trademark gold chains. No, Mr. T is sitting there with some grey hair in his beard and a sleeve-less denim jacket to show off his biceps. Mr. T looks surprisingly different in Inspector Gadget, and for that alone he makes the list.
CONTINUE TO PART 2

The Ten Greatest Minor Characters In Movie History (part 2 of 2)

5. I THINK HE TOOK HIS WALLET GUY FROM BACK TO THE FUTURE PART 2(1989)
Thomas Wilson is a scene stealing actor. Who could ever forget his performance as Biff Tannen in 'Back To The Future' or Griff Tannen in 'Back To The Future Part 2' or as Buford 'Mad Dog' Tannen in 'Back To The Future part 3.' Even more memorable were his turns as Old Biff and Alternate 1985 Biff, but I digress.
Point is, Wilson can steal the scene from the best of them, but for a brief shining moment I Think He Took His Wallet Guy stole the scene from him. Bravo, I Think He Took His Wallet Guy, bravo.
If you don't remember: after Biff is punched out in the school parking lot, Marty swipes the Sports Almanac from him. With the grace of a cat I Think He Took His Wallet guy springs into action telling all within earshot of the possible wallet theft. I still get teary eyed.

4. TALKING DOG IN SUMMER OF SAM(1999)
I hated this movie, but I do remember the 'Talking Dog'. I don't even know what he said, but I loved him. I wish every lousy movie had a talking dog.

3. GREG IN E.T. THE EXTRA TERRESTRIAL (1982)
Elliot's brother Michael had a lot of friends. Maybe not the 'give you a ride to the airport' friends, but at the very least he had the 'play D & D and eat pizza all night' friends. For my money, thems some good friends.
Michael's friends each had their own thing, weather it be trying to grab Michael's Mom's Butt or wearing giant headphones, but my favorite was Greg.
I like Greg because the man is good to have in a argument.
Let me set the scene: Elliot is arguing about the possibility of an alien being in his room, Greg doesn't believe him. Elliot says that Greg is 'immature'. So Greg calls Elliot a 'cintus supremus'. No one to this day knows what that is, but it stings to be called that. Try it sometime. In retaliation, Elliot calls Greg 'zero charisma' then they volley back and forth, neither giving in, until finally Elliot breaks the chain by screaming 'Shut up, Greg!'.
Yes, Greg bested Elliot, and he still got to fly on his bike with E. T.

2. PUNCHED GUY IN MALLRATS (1995)
I love this guy. He excitedly runs up to T.S. in the parking lot and asks him if he broke up with Brandi, and gets a punch in the chops for it.
I know it's a bit of looped dialogue to cover a hastily re-written opening, but it still cracks me up, and that is why Punched Guy is #2 on this list.

1. COSMO FROM BOOGIE NIGHTS (1997)
He likes firecrackers and we like him. I don't know why he likes them or what his relationship with Alfred Molina is, and to be honest, I don't care. I just love the way he lights them firecrackers.
Hail to thee, Cosmo, we salute you!

So, who is missing? Drop a comment.

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

Clifford's Really Big Movie

I just realized there was a movie out called Clifford's Really Big Movie. It just left the theater in my area today to make way for Shrek 2. How sad. I would really have enjoyed Clifford's Really Big Movie.
It was a 'really big movie' not just a 'big movie' like Piglet and so many others before him. This was 'really big'. "Why so friggin big?" is the question on everyone's mind. Well, I will tell you why. Because Clifford himself is huge. A huge red dog.
HUGE. Not huge like Marmaduke, that other huge red dog (whose comic strip always ends with a sappy panel about some dumb kid who trained his dog to help elderly people slice bananas or some dopey thing like that), no Clifford is GODZILLA huge. KING KONG huge. BEA ARTHUR WITH FRIGGIN GIANTOSIS huge.
To put Clifford in perspective, his owner only stands as tall as his paw. That's a big dog. I know you're waiting for a giant doggie doo joke. Well forget it. Not on my watch, not here, not ever.

Now that I got that out of my system I present my review of Clifford's Really Big Movie. Keep in mind that I never saw the movie and I don't actually know what happens in it.

The movie opens with a beautiful shot of a banana. Credits roll. A small white dog comes in and slices the banana and pushes it towards an old lady. The old lady nods and a little boy comes out and starts babbling about how he trained the dog to do that. Then Clifford steps on all three of them.
Clifford goes home to his owner Emily. Emily tells Clifford that he has to leave because there is a crazed hunter who is out to get him. Clifford runs into the city where he is shot at by the military. Clifford gets mad and starts knocking over buildings and then drinking out of toilets.
Suddenly a mad scientist shows up and gives Clifford a time machine. Clifford takes the machine to the future, where even with the end of McDonald's Super-sizing, Emily has gotten so fat that she is now larger than Clifford. Clifford now no longer has to deal with the shame of being larger than her. They then live happily ever after.

Monday, May 17, 2004

Kids Meals

I picked up the newest kids meal at Taco Bell recently and boy was that fun.

Taco bell is doing a generic dinosaur promotion. So along with your two tacos, nachos and a cup of soda smaller than a Nyquil shot glass, you get dinosaurs. The first one was a glow-in-the-dark skeleton of a dinosaur. Very cool. Fully assembled it measured almost 10 inches long, but I found a better use for it. I stuck some of the bones inside my taco and then demanded to see the manager.

MANAGER: "What seems to be the problem?"
ME: "I found some radioactive glowing bones in my taco"
MANAGER:"Holy crap! There are radioactive glowing bones in that taco! Everyone run for your life!"

So, I tried the other toy. This one was a cardboard drawing of a dinosaur skeleton that made a paper airplane that did not fly. So I stuck it in my taco.

MANAGER:"What seems to be the problem?"
ME:"There is a really lousy excuse for a toy in my taco."
MANAGER:"I once won a taco eating contest. I also once kissed a monkey."
ME:"Was that during a monkey kissing contest?"
MANAGER:"No, right after one."

And that is the report.

Sunday, May 16, 2004

Ode to Hulk Hands

Here is a poem I wrote about the toy phenomenon known as Hulk Hands.

Hulk Hands


To be like Hulk, such might, such power
Hulking up and smashing walls
I slide you on, you mighty glove
Remember that little girl from the Pepsi commercials?

Saturday, May 15, 2004

JUNK FOOD

The Reeses Junk
A history of the fine candy.

The Gum Junk
History of chewing gum.

The Quiznos Junk
The greatest sandwich I have ever had.

The Hooters Junk
The Hooters' menu.

The Herb Junk
He never tasted a burger.

The Big League Chew Junk
Tough talk with a tough gum.

The Chicken Nugget Junk
A history of nature's perfect food.

The WWF NY Junk
Eat up in Times Square.

The Nixon’s Big Mac Junk
President Nixon loves Mickey Ds!

The Skipper's Barrel Junk
Skipper's Hollywood eatery.

The Gofer Junk
A junk food utopia.

The Hollywood Hot Dog Junk
A hot dog eating spree!

The Waffle House Junk
Scattered, Smothered, Covered, Chunked, Topped & Diced, just for you!

The Planet Hollywood NYC Junk
Yummy, food and Stallone's car!

The Breakfast Junk
Most important meal of the day? Find out here.

The Future of Ice Cream Junk
Kill me! Kill me now!

The Pastamania! Junk
When Pastamania! ruled the earth.

The Rainforrest Cafe Junk
A review of the Rainforrest Cafe. Plus a Mr. Limpett reference!

The Nitro Grill Junk
WCW feeds Las Vegas.

The Cereal Mascots Junk
A list of the 10 best!

The Fast Food Quiz Junk
Do you eat too much fast food? Find out!

The History of the Taco Junk
Learn of it's humble beginnings.

The Sexist Candy Bar Junk
The Yorkie, it's not for girls.

The Abdullah Junk
Abdullah the Butcher's House of Ribs and Chinese Food.

JUNK STORIES


Holy String Day

A story about string day.



The Joke Cabinet Junk
A cabinet that tells jokes.

The Quackless Duck Junk
The story of a duck, a boy and bad grammer.

The Gamaliel Junk
A sweet story about 'show and tell' and Barbie shoes.

The Taco Junk
A touching tale about tacos.

The Haircut Junk
Smitty D. gets a Hair cut.

The Pink Ranger Junk
No Power Rangers here!

The Deli Junk
Starring Smitty D.

TOY JUNK

The Awesome Clock Junk
Dick Vitale in clock form.

The San Andreas Junk
Take a look at the locations in the game.

The Robops Junk
We study the newest toy sensation from Taco Bell, the Robops.

The Daredevil Toy Junk
I can't explain this one.

The Super Hero Toy Junk
He is here to save the world with his belly button!

The Target’s Dollar Store Junk
Toys and coffee.

The Toy Robot Junk
Exclusive!

The Old Toy Junk
A look at some all time favorite toys, including Silly Putty and Mr. Potato Head.

The Taco Bell Dinosaur Junk
We go to Taco Bell for kids meals, and the manager kisses a monkey.

The Hulk Hands Junk
A poem about Hulk Hands (the very first article on bunchojunk.com.)

The Hulk Hands #2 Junk
A series of poems about Hulk Hands. Add your own.

The WCW Toys Junk
Yuck, wrestling figures that vibrate!

The Vacation Junk

The mountains of Disneyland
In fabulous Disneyland California, there are 4 mountains. The mountains are each different and unique. Let us take a look at them:
Matterhorn Mountain:
Based on the famous mountain of the same name, the Matterhorn has been taking guests on a thrilling ride for almost 50 years. The ride is a bobsled ride through the snow capped peak. In the old ...
(more)


The Oldest Theme Park In The World
Mr. Six. The new spokesman for the Six Flags amusement park chain. He dances like a fool to some techno tune and then people are inspired to go on roller coasters. As commercials go, it is pretty good. Here is a typical 30 second spot.
INT. Operating room- Day
A man is laying on an operating table, unconscious. He is bleeding badly. A DOCTOR is working furiously on reviving him....
(more)


Mr. Toad's Wild Ride
In 1949 Walt Disney Pictures released The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad. It is an odd film by Disney standards.
For starters it is two stories. The Headless Horseman and The Wind and the Willows. The stories are completly unrelated. I suppose neither one was long enough to fill an entire 90 minutes. Of course...
(more)


Off-beat vacation spots
Roadside America: It would be wrong of me not to direct you to this fine site it is the BEST place to find off beat travel spots.
Today, just in time for the forth of July, I present some of my favorites, many of which, you will not find on Roadside America.
Sesame Place:
Do you have a trip planned to Langhorne Pennsylvania planned? No? Too bad, because it is home to the ...
(more)


The plane truth about Delta flight DL 82 (get it? The PLANE truth) Delta flight DL 82, non stop from Philadelphia to Los Angeles California.
The flight started boarding on time at 7:40. First Class boarded first followed by 'zone one'.
I had never noticed the zone on my ticket before. In the past I remembered them boarding us by rows. Not anymore. We are in the zone! I hope this process takes a hold everywhere. I WANT THE WORD ZONE TO REPLACE THE WORD ROW. ...
(more)


A Disney press release
Our Bunch O Junk investigation team has uncovered the following Disney press released, not yet available to the public.
WALT DISNEY CO. ANNOUNCES CONSTRUCTION OF NEW DISNEYLAND ARKANSAS
Jonesboro, AK (PRWEB) July 15, 2004 -- A touch of history, a touch of class, and a touch of comfort will be experienced by visitors to Disney's newest theme park: Disneyland Arkansas...
(more)


Lucy the Elephant
I am a sucker for odd attractions, so when I heard there was a giant wooden elephant in Margate, NJ, I jumped into the car quicker than you could say "That's a really stupid cliché, I bet it took you at least 30 seconds to get into your car. As a matter of fact, I bet you didn't even leave until the NEXT day, you filthy liar."(more)


Disneyland's opening day
Disneyland opened on July 17, 1955. It was a very hot day, but otherwise pleasant.
The day was set as a 'press preview.' Only a select group of reporters, celebrities and dignitaries were invited. Unfortunately MANY forged tickets were also being distributed causing the park to be overrun with UN-invited guests.(more)


MORE VACATION JUNK:




The show RELOADED.

Carousel of Progress 2: Electric Boogaloo



The history of the Disney show.

Carousel of Progress


The Tiki Room Junk
A show from Disney's parks.

The Hollywood Sign Junk
Learn about the world's most famous sign!

The Stitch’s Great Escape Junk
The alien arrives at WDW!

The Hollywood Sign Ghost Junk
Ooooooh spooky!

The Hollywood Sign Changes
Ooooooh not spooky!

Political Junk

Billy Beer
Jimmy Carter was one of the most unique Presidents of the modern era. He was younger than many of his predecessors and was the first U. S. President to born in a hospital.
Prior to Carter, all presidents had been born in the ladies room at the Denny's about 10 minutes north of the White House. If you are in the area, it is well worth a visit (more)




Dubya: The 43rd President of the United States
President Bush was born on July 6, 1946, in New Haven, Connecticut, and he grew up in Midland and Houston, Texas. He received a bachelor's degree from Yale University in 1968, then served as an F-102 fighter pilot in the Texas Air National Guard. (more)




John Kerry: Son of a Girl Scout Leader
John F. Kerry was born on December 11, 1943 at Fitzsimons Army Hospital in Colorado. His father, Richard, volunteered in the Army Air Corps and flew DC-3's, B-29's, A-21's, F-13's - Ooooh! I got BINGO!!!!
(more)



William Howard Taft: The 350 pound president
In 1909 American's went to the voting booth and elected William Howard Taft. Taft was 5 feet 11.5 inches tall and weighed over 300 pounds on election day. Under the guidance of English physician N. E. Yorke-Davies, he lost 70 pounds over the next year and a half. (more)



Handsome Frank: The 14th President of the United States
Franklin Pierce, the 14th President of the United States, had the nickname Handsome Frank. I know, it sounds like the nickname that a pool shark or a hit man would have, but it was the nickname of the leader of the free world. (more)




Ronald Reagan, the pop culture President
During a week of memorials and tributes to our nation's 40th president, Ronald Reagan, many thoughts have gone through my mind. "Isn't it amazing that a movie star became president?", "what would the 80's have been like WITHOUT Ronald Reagan" and "why can't I have cookies for breakfast?" (more)



Abe Lincoln: a man and his BEARD
I love Abe. He is one of the most famous men that has ever lived. He freed the slaves. He remains one of our most beloved presidents (and during his presidency he was one of the least popular.)
Abe was a fascinating man, working on a farm, and as a rail splitter. He had four children with his wife Mary Todd. Mary Todd, you may know, was crazy! (more)



Gamaliel: A bunchojunk.com children's story featuring Warren G. Harding
"... and I have seventy-three Barbies, only, one of them doesn't have a shoe because my little brother was playing with it and he stuck it up his nose." Sheila beamed with pride for a moment, then sat down at her desk. (more)



Don't Vote
Declare yourself. This is the newest movement out to make sure every 18-24 year old votes.
Declare yourself has gotten funny men like Larry David, Ray Romano and even Jay and Silent Bob into a series of commercials to 'get out the vote.' (more)




All good things must end
Richard Nixon's winter home is gone. The Key Biscayne retreat where the President would go to get 'tanned, rested and ready' is a thing of the past.
Bulldozers ripped down the house to make way for a more modern home, and they ripped out of piece of our hearts, to make way for a more modern piece of heart. (more)



Famous quotes from Abe
Here are some quotes from one of my favorite Presidents of all time, Abe Lincoln. They should both educate and entertain you. If that doesn't work, enjoy the tomfoolery that I have written after the quote.
"I do therefore invite my fellow citizens in every part of the United States, and (more)



A shocking Presidential scandal
When you think of Presidential scandal, you think of one name:
AMY CARTER
Sure, other sites are will give you information on current political scandals. (more)



Cinderella and the Governor
Hurricanes were hitting Florida.
Wars were being fought in Afghanistan and Iraq.
The country is heading into a Presidential election.
New Jersey has a gay Governor.
(more)



The Grover Cleveland Junk
He was President 22 and 24.