Thursday, July 01, 2004


A Bunch O Junk children's story

"... and I have seventy-three Barbies, only, one of them doesn't have a shoe because my little brother was playing with it and he stuck it up his nose." Sheila beamed with pride for a moment, then sat down at her desk.

"O.K. Gamaliel." said Mrs. Beaglebottom "It's your turn. Tell the class something about yourself."

Gamaliel stood and looked sheepishly at his classmates.

"My name is Gamaliel" He said aloud. The class didn't seem impressed. Most of the students had their fingers in each others nostrils trying to find shoes.

"Go on, tell us more." Pleaded Mrs. Beaglebottom.

Without thinking Gamaliel just opened his mouth and started talking.

"I have the same name as former president Warren Gamaliel Harding!" The classmates were still too busy to notice. Gamaliel continued. "Actually almost all of the presidents had the middle name Gamaliel... Abraham Gamaliel Lincoln, George Gamaliel Washington, John Gamaliel Adams, John Quincy Gamaliel Adams, Gamaliel Quincy M.D., Benjamin Gamaliel Franklin, Bob Gamaliel Hope..." The class sat in a completely attentive state, "Even Sy Gamaliel Sperling, President of the Hair Club for people named Gamaliel.

"Wow" said a stunned student clad in an orange shirt.

"Yeah, you always have to vote for the candidate with the middle name Gamaliel, it's the law, it's in the Constitution." Said Gamaliel. He beamed for a moment, the sat down and pulled a shoe out of his nose.



  1. You know what would have been AWESOME??? If at the end of the story, Evel Gamaliel (yes that really is his middle name) Knievel jumped over the kid. Oh man, that would be SWWWWWEEEEEEEEEETTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!

  2. Sweetie, I have a bone to pick with you. Gamaliel Quincy was an ME (MEDICAL EXAMINER), not an MD (MEDICAL DOCTOR). Now this might seem like a trivial matter to most people. But in a world where teens are pumping themselves full of posion, seniors are dying becuase pharmaceutical companies care more about the bottom line than saving lives, and champion race horses are sterilized for insurance fraud, dammitt, Quincy cares!!!

    He was on the front line finding errors in police reports and standing up to the chief of police and exposing bureacracy. Oh sure, Quincy ruffles a few feathers and shakes up the system, but I don't recall him signing away his rights as an American Citizen when be became a Medical Examiner!!

    In an era of blow dryed pretty boy politicians and media sound bites, Quincly is on the front lines bringing comfort to families of the deceased. Is America so lazy we can't give him his proper title? That's NOT the America I know. That's not even Canada!!

  3. Freeze,
    Good lord. I had no idea I was so wrong about Quincy. Our Bunch O Junk fact checker is a Russian immigrant named Anton Palavacik. He came to us six months ago after getting to the U.S. through a harrowing journey involving Polish drug smugglers, a violent ex KGB agent and bacterial samalitus.
    He made this journey with his dog Gurgee and 3 of his children. His wife and 2 of his daughters did not live through the trip.
    Immigration services have granted him permission to stay in the U.S. as long as he maintains his employment with Bunch O Junk.

    But, as of 10 minutes ago, he was sent packing. Back to the U.S.S.R. Anton!

    Thanks, Freeze.

  4. Ahhh, if only Dr. Suess had made references to obscure Presidential middle names, imagaine how far he could have gone.

  5. Russian..that figures. Defending Quincy is like defending mom, apple pie, baseball, and kittens. DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND, SWEETIE, THERE ARE LIVES AT STAKE!!!!!!!
    Painting our houses, driving SUVs, owning I-Pods and blackberrys, working 8 hours a day in a cubicle. It's all meaningless if we believe killers go free. Quincy doesn't believe killers should go free. He believes in justice AND America.

    No, sir, I will not sit by while you mess up a doctor's title. DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND, SWEETIE, THERE ARE LIVES AT STAKE!!!!!!!!!!! Quincy understands that, and while we stand here tarnishing the good doctor's reputation and title, people are dying. As I stand here defending Quincy, another thousand acres of amazon rain forest disappeared. Another 6,000 people were mugged across America. Is anyone doing anything about it?

    Yes, Quincy is doing something about it. And a damn good job at that.

  6. You know what was AWESOME?? The episode of Quincy where Evel Knievel jumped over Quincy. Oh, man that was SWEEEEEETTT!!!!

  7. I hate this Quincy! I hate 'Sweetie', I hate 'Evel Knievil', I hate 'Mr. Freeze' and I hate 'I Hate Sweetie'.

    By the way, Evel Knievil, in Russia, bike jumps over YOU!

    Okay, now back to U.S.S.R. for Anton Palavacik!