Friday, January 28, 2005

Reeses


It seems the H. B. Reese Candy Company has a little too much time on its hands. For many years they sold a delicious peanut butter and chocolate cup. Then they offered a different product featuring peanut butter inside a small candy shell. For many years, this was enough.

However, lately the company has spiraled rapidly into some schizophrenic candy machine producing new products at a rate so high that there will soon be a different type of candy for every man, woman and child on earth.

Right now, they have scientists coating every kind of meat, cheese and carpet fiber with peanut butter in hopes of continuing their world domination.

And it started so slowly. A few years back they came up with the Nutrageous bar (the candy bar, not the male strip joint Elton John hung out in during the 80’s.) Its name conveyed the shock that people have upon encountering a new candy bar.

MAN ONE: Hey, wanna try this new candy? It has chocolate and peanuts.
MAN TWO: What are you doing in my home, you stranger?!?!?! This is an outrage!
MAN ONE: No, it’s a nut-rage.
MAN TWO: That’s a stupid name.

So, the world gradually accepted Nutrageous. Then, they mounted their second attack: a full scale roll out of enough kinds of peanut butter cups to make all of Pittsburgh diabetic just from smelling the sugar.

All this from a small company that started in the 1920s. The company was founded by Harry Burnett (H.B.) Reese, a former employee of Milton S. Hershey, founder of Hershey. Reese was so inspired by Mr. Hershey's success that he decided to make his own living in the candy industry.

The candy became more popular during the 1940s and was well recognized due to its orange and yellow package.

In 1963, the H.B. Reese Candy Company, Inc. was sold for $23.5 million to the Hershey Chocolate Company, creating a monopoly strong enough to topple any nation that opposed them.

Timeline:
1917: Harry Burnett Reese moves to Hershey, Pennsylvania.

1957: Reese builds 100,000 square-foot factory in Hershey.

1963: Hershey purchases H.B. Reese Candy Company.

1978: Reese’s Pieces are introduced

1994: Nutrageous makes its debut

1999: ReeseSticks, a wafer, peanut butter and chocolate is introduced

2001: Reese Fast Break becomes the newest member of the candy family

2003: Hershey introduces Limited Edition White Chocolate, Dark Chocolate, Inside Out and Big Cup peanut butter cups.

2004: An Extra Smooth and Creamy variety of Reese’s peanut butter cups is unveiled

2005: Reese’s Fudge, yet another peanut butter cup is released

2007: (projected) A humanoid peanut butter cup is introduced

2009: (projected) Training on the ‘master race’ of peanut butter cup soldiers begins

2012: (projected) The end of the human race

2014: (scheduled) Tupac Shakur releases another posthumous CD.

12 comments:

  1. Anonymous1/28/2005

    I liked Nutrageous. I think they were hurt by their slogan: "Nutratgeous: It's "nut" very good. 

    Posted by Mr. Freeze

    ReplyDelete
  2. Anonymous1/28/2005

    Love it.
    I can't get enough of peanut butter and chocolate. Which reminds me, what ever happened to those great "your chocolate is in my peanut butter" ad campaigns? Those were the polar opposite of the ads that were run for Zima in the 90s.  

    Posted by CRAIG

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  3. Anonymous1/28/2005

    No one every recognises me. 

    Posted by Guy Who Looks Like Harry Burnett Reese

    ReplyDelete
  4. Anonymous1/28/2005

    This was a most informative article. I can't wait for the Tupac CD, even though I'll be dead too. 

    Posted by T-_Bone

    ReplyDelete
  5. Anonymous1/28/2005

    I don't know where that timeline came from, but my operatives report that humanoid peanut butter cups are close to completion than you speculate. See! This is a photo from one of tests conducted in their secret lab. That family was never heard from again. 

    Posted by cravipat

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  6. Anonymous1/29/2005

    cravpit - That photo is giving me nightmares. Can I sue someone? Gene Hackman save us!! 

    Posted by T-_Bone

    ReplyDelete
  7. Anonymous1/29/2005

    I've always been a Reese's freak and I can safely say I've tried every kind they have. My favorite? The Big White Chocolate Cups, although the regular and miniature are good too. The dark chocolate was OK(you missed that one, it was a limited edition like the white chocolate, only the white got extended. I don't like the Inside Out kind, it has a really strange texture and aftertaste. And I just realized I know way too m,uch about Reese's..... 

    Posted by Nettie

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  8. Anonymous1/31/2005

    You think THAT is scary, click here

    Posted by Sweetie Guy Hutchinson

    ReplyDelete
  9. Anonymous1/31/2005

    What the Hell is this,actually the original tag line for NutRageous was....."Nuts in your Mouth not in your Hand".
    But than....The lawyers for George Michael stepped in...and they had to use a new line!!! 

    Posted by ip yearly

    ReplyDelete