Friday, October 08, 2004
An interview with a pouch of Big League Chew
During a recent trip to West Virginia (don't ask), I spotted something I had not seen in many years. It was at the counter of 'Joe's Guns and Gums (really, don't ask), it was a pack of Big League Chew.
Big League Chew was a gum created in the 1970's by ball player Jim Bouton. I decided that now was a perfect time for:
Talking to things that don't talk
Sweetie: Hello, Big League Chew.
BLC: Hey, whazzzzup!
Sweetie: Ha ha!
Sweetie: Uh huh.
BLC: Remember that commercial? Whaaazup!
Sweetie: Yeah, yeah I do. So, Big League Chew, what have you been up to?
BLC: What have I been up to? Don't you mean whaaaaazzzzuuuuuup!
Sweetie: Sure. Whazzzup.
BLC: Well, I have been working on the details of a new product.
Sweetie: What's the new product? Another gum designed to look like tobacco?
BLC: Oh, no! I am branching out. This is gum that looks like crack. We call it Whacky Cracky.
Sweetie: How exciting. Do you think selling gum that looks like crack sends a bad message to kids?
BLC: Not really. Goats have kids people have children! Ha ha ha ha ha! Whazzzzzup!
Sweetie: Changing gears, Major League Baseball has banned chewing tobacco. Did that lead to more sales for you?
BLC: No, because ships have sails, I have gross revenue. Whaaaaazzzzzuuup.
Sweetie: Great. How is your legal situation? Are you still facing charges over the 'Candy Cigarettes' incident?
BLC: Yeah, but that is a bunch of garbage.
Sweetie: For those that don't know, you got in a fist fight with a pack of Candy Cigarettes outside a trendy nightclub in fabulous Hollywood California.
BLC: Yeah, he's a moron.
Sweetie: Then there was that T-Shirt scandal.
BLC: Yeah, what happened there was simple. When I was in jail, some of my supporters made signs and T-Shirts that said "Free Big League Chew." So, people were running into candy stores and walking out with packages of gum, FREE! That hurt my gross revenue.
Sweetie: I bet. During the late 80's it was reported that you had joined the Muslim religion and changed your name to Yusef Islam Chew.
BLC: Yeah, that was stupid. Now I get stopped every time I try to get on an airplane.
Sweetie: Bummer. What is your favorite career highlight?
BLC: The 1999 World Series! John Smotlz was on the mound, he was chewing me vigorously. Then, the manager comes to the mound and takes him out of the game. They cut to commercial, and it's that 'whaaaazzzzup' commercial. Wow! THAT was funny.
Sweetie: That is great! Thank you for your time.