Thursday, May 27, 2004


Wow. I just saw an old man almost get hit by a car. Actually that isn't quite true. I just saw a woman miss an old man by over ten feet and then the old man acted like he was almost hit.
Big time acting. He did a stutter step, back and forth almost like a dance. He extended his arms as if to HOLD the car back (assuming that it jumped 11 feet horizontally.) He then made the "are you drunk?" face. It may have been the "was that Ted Kennedy face?" I am not quite sure.
Anyway he hobbled off the road and wiped his brow clutched his chest and died on the spot. Or maybe he went to the deli to buy a copy of Big Butt Magazine and a strawberry milk. I have no idea, I was long gone by that point.

But, it reminded me of something that happened to me about five years ago. I was in Epcot in Walt Disney World. Specifically I was on the second floor of The Land Pavilion exiting the Circle Of Life attraction. I was so pleased to learn our place in the "great circle of life", us humans are near the TOP!

An elderly lady in a wheelchair was exiting the show as well. A MOTORIZED wheelchair. She was speeding along next to me and then she started to veer towards the wall, I tried to move out of the way, but it was to no avail. She hit me, HARD.
I am not ashamed to admit this, but the little old lady in the wheelchair almost made me CRY. She did make me BLEED. A small scrape for sure, but I was scraped. Many onlookers ran over blood started to trickle down my shin and a bruise started to form.
"Are you alright?" a man shouted
"Yeah, I could probably use a band-aid" I said "Do you have anyones with dinosaurs on them? Or maybe the ones with the sharks riding skateboard..."
I looked up from my wound to see that no one was looking at me. Everyone was looking at the old lady.
"I'm fine" she said "There are just to many damn people here. And, it's too hot."
Seventeen people rushed her over to the concession stand to buy her a soda. I was left behind. Nothing to do but stand there and BLEED.
Now, with his near miss, this old man knew how I felt. But, what about the things I have hit with my car?

Let me see where to begin?
I hit my own mailbox once. It was a snowy day in December. As I went to turn into the driveway, the car skidded and hit the mailbox. Snapped it like a Slim Jim.

I hit a deer once. He had it coming to him. We were at a bar and he kept making mean comments about American Idol so I slugged him.
That was a joke. I hate American Idol, so I bought him and his deer friends a round of drinks.

Two time I have been hit by deer. Really! Once I was driving down the road when a stampeded of deer started crossing in front of and behind my car. I stopped. One deer, a big stupid one that looked like a cow, slowly WALKED head first into my car. He then shook his head and moved on. He must be one of those "special" deer that gets picked last for dodge ball.
He left a small ding in the door. The other deer was much worse. I was going over a bridge and he jumped on the bridge, and the hood of my car. He rolled off leaving a trail of deer spit and fur.
FYI Deer spit looks like marshmallow whip, but doesn't taste like it. It tastes more like those hard pieces of chalk that the Hot Cocoa companys PRETEND are marshmallows.

In addition to the deer, I have hit squirrels, trashcans, a possum and what was either a raccoon or a midget burglar. Either way, he DESERVED it.

What have you hit?


  1. Once while changing my clothes while driving, I hit one of those reflector posts while getting on the Turnpike. My car was only scratched a little, but it was cool watching the guy behind me swerve out of the way of the pummeled reflector post and almost flip his car.

  2. Changing your clothes while driving? Are you a superhero?

  3. When I first got my license I had a habit of hitting garbage cans. At least I did until someone with too much time on their hands filed their's up with bricks!

  4. Someone with too much time on their hands filled theirs with bricks? Their what? Hands or trash can?