Wednesday, September 12, 2007

BMX Bandits: Part 3 - LET'S GET FOAMY

When we last left the BMX Bandits, bad guys were chasing Nicole Kidman because her and her friends had stolen a case of walkie-talkies (that the bad guys had planned to use for some kind of crime).
The kids were racing through a mall causing hysterical havoc.

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This guy got a pie in the face.

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Nicole & company then went to the police who told them to fight the bad guys themselves. This might be the dumbest scene I have ever seen in any movie... and I saw Shakespeare in Love.

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At some point the bad guys chase the BMX Bandits through a water park.

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Then the Bandits get all the kids in town to throw flour at the bad guys.

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Then they sprayed some foam fertilizer on them. Somehow this movie turned into an episode of Double Dare in the last ten minutes.

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So, the bad guys failed the "physical challenge" and they were sent home with a copy of the Double Dare home game. Then, the BMX Bandits opened a bike park. I hate bike parks. I took my bike to one and then I had to carry a plastic bag and "pick up" after the bike "did it's business."

Maybe that was a Muppet park. I do own a Muppet.


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During the credits we get a warning. Not a warning about stealing things (like walkie-talkies) or spraying deadly foam fertilizer at people or even about shutting of the circuit before doing electrical work (see part 2) but about bike riding.

In conclusion. I hate BMX Bandits. I hate them so much. I hope they make a remake so I can hate that too.


Before we go, let me share this screen grab from the water park scene:
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This kid went to the water park for a day of fun and it was captured on film forever.

And that boy would grow up to become Andre Agassi.

Cheers mate!

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

BMX Bandits: Part 2 - THE WRATH OF KIDMAN

When we last left the BMX Bandits they had giant radios and hearts of gold.

For some reason they went into a cemetery for about 4 hours. I swear, this movie is only 82 minutes, but I looked at my watch at the beginning of the cemetery scene and then at the end and 4 hours went by.

Also one of the bad guys had a Mr. Burns mask:
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And this was years before The Simpsons debuted. It's hard to believe they have only been around for 30 or 40 years.

I am skipping the rest of the cemetery scene. They just get chased by bad guys and hide inside a grave. The images were so dark you could barely see anyway. Instead I suggest you bang your head against something metal and solid so you can simulate looking at the entire scene.

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Time for some hilarity. This guy has a walkie-talkie. He is talking to a guy moving a large hunk of steel over a car.
Suddenly the BMX Bandits say "drop it" over THEIR walkie-talkie. Since they are on the same frequency the guy in the crane drops the steel beam on the car.

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The car, apparently full of dynamite explodes.

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This guy doesn't react at first, but then he sees the red light on the camera and...

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Makes this face.

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Then Kidman gets captured but breaks away by bashing someones skull in.

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Knowing that the audience is saddened by the death of an unknown number of construction workers they producers give us a lighthearted bike romp through a mall.

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Unfortunately the shenanigans cause this worker to be electrocuted.

So to recap:
1. A cemetery
2. Dead construction workers
3. Kidman bashing in a skull
4. Dead electrician

Bring the kids! BMX Bandits is fun for all!

TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR A PIE IN THE FACE...

A PIE OF DEATH!

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

BMX Bandits: Part 1 - ENTER THE PAIN

This weekend I watched BMX Bandits. It may be the strangest film I have seen all week and I work in a dentist's office!

Get it? Film? Dentist's office? Like the film on people's teeth?

God, I hope someone laughed at that. Three years of dentistry school just to make you laugh.

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The movie opens with a cool silver logo. This is the high point of the entire film.




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Then a bunch of people ride bikes. because it's Australia, they ride them on the wrong side of the bike park.




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This guy is in the movie.




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This guy is too. Too bad we never learn the secret of his nifty "solar sport radio" hat.
Instead he justs eats a lot of ice cream and falls down.



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Some bad guys dress as pigs and rob a bank. Later they hatch another plan that involves stealing a Brinks truck and talking on walkie-talkies. But their plan is twarted by the BMX Bandits (who aren't bandits). The BMX Bandits find the hidden walkie-talkies.




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Hey kids! It's Nicole Kidman! And she brought her insurance salesman with her!




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This is one of the bad guys. He has a picture of some Crispin Glover looking dude on the front of his shirt.




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He has some Al Capone looking guy on the back of his shirt. Plus he looks like Billy Idol.




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The bad guys ride in a boat that has Macho Man Randy Savage painted on the hood.




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What was up with men's shorts in the 1980s? Really, what was the deal with that?




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Here Nicole talks on a walkie-talkie with the longest antenna in the world.



TUNE IN NEXT TIME TO WATCH A CAR EXPLODE.