Monday, November 15, 2004

An Interview With A Wind Up Toy Robot

Recently I was shopping in an antique shop in Pittsburgh when I spotted an old wind-wind up toy robot. I decided this was the perfect time for:

talking to things that don't talk

bunchojunk: Hi, do you mind if I interview you for my website?

Robot: Uh... alright. What's your website?


Robot: Oh. Is that that site where they have all that stupid garbage?

bunchojunk: No, that's eBay.

Robot: Oh yeah. So what is your site?

bunchojunk: It's just silly articles and such.

Robot: Why would I want to be on an website with silly articles?

bunchojunk: We also feature... uh...

Robot: Naked robots?

bunchojunk: Uh... sure.

Robot: Do you have any nude photos of the Tin Man from the Wizard Of Oz?

bunchojunk: No. Hey! The Tin Man wasn't a robot.

Robot: You humans are so naive. He was a TM3000 model.

bunchojunk: Good god! Is that true?

Robot: Oh yeah! He was big on the 'robot talk circuit' for years.

bunchojunk: I never heard of that. Is that some kind of convention where they talk about robots?

Robot: Well, actually it’s a convention where robots get together and talk about the Funky Winkerbean. That is one funny strip!

bunchojunk: Uh huh. Do you know Rosie from the Jetsons?

Robot: No, do you know Wheezie from the Jefferson’s?

bunchojunk: What?

Robot: Well, you seem to be assuming that I should know EVERY robot, do you know every person?

bunchojunk: Yikes. I am sorry I was so insensitive.

Robot: Ah, that’s okay. Do you have any more questions?

bunchojunk: No. Not really.

Robot: Wanna play 'Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon' with me? We can play for money?

bunchojunk: No.

Robot: You wanna give me some money so I can buy some bacon.

bunchojunk: Uh, I really can't right now.

Robot: I understand. You know how people say 'bringing home the bacon?'

bunchojunk: Yeah.

Robot: Well, what is THAT all about? Why is bacon so important to people?

bunchojunk: I think that is just slang for money.

Robot: Oh. Well, can you explain the popularity of Piggly Wigglys?

bunchojunk: Low prices, good groceries.

Robot: What about 'Pigs In Space'?

bunchojunk: On the Muppet Show?

Robot: Yeah, how come Miss Piggy was on that, but they didn't call her Miss Piggy?

bunchojunk: I don't know, maybe she was playing a different character.

Robot: They should make a movie about Pigs In Space. I would cast Phillip Seymour Hoffman as Link.

bunchojunk: Cool.

(This went on for another two hours and 18 minutes until I got really hungry so I pretended to leave for the men’s room and made a hasty exit.)


  1. Gene Hackman is so cool that Robots interview him!!

  2. Sweetie, how come you didn't ask the Robot important questions like "What was like to serve as Vice President during the Clinton years?" or "What are your thoughts on losing the 2000 Presidential Election?"

  3. Anonymous11/15/2004

    Sweetie, there is something I found very frighenting in this article: You were recently in Pittsburgh. Very chilling.

  4. You know what would be AWESOME? If Evel Knievel and the Tin Man jumped over the wind-up toy robot, but it looked like the motorcyle wouldn't make it, so the Tin Man reached back and started to wind up the bike, because it was a robot motorcycle. Oh man that would be SSSSSSWWWWWEEEEEEETTTTTTT!!!!!!!

  5. There is nothing worse than being a Hollywood actor and having to deal with gay robots. You won't believe who is gay in the Hollywood robot community.

    HAL-9000? -- Not Gay

    R2D2 & C3P0 -- obviously. They were the first to come out as a gay robot couple. It was a big deal in the late 1970s when much of the gay robot community was still closeted. They are still couple.

    Robocop--Not Gay

    Robby the Robot from Forbiddon planet? Not Gay

    Rosie from the Jetsons'-- let's just say the living room isn't the place where she's cleaning carpets.

    Andre 3000 from Outkast--not a robot and not gay.

    The I, Robot Star? Not Gay

    Harvey Firestien? Gay, but not a robot

    Ellen DeGenres--Gay, not a robot

    The Tin Man--Where do you think the term "Friend of Dorothy came from?"

    I'll reveal more later. I need to trim Jay Leno's hedges.

  6. You guys sure have some good questions and comments! Pittsburgh is nice this time of year! Plan a trip!

  7. I laughed till it hurt. Good stuff!