Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Herb: The guy who never tasted a hamburger at Burger King

In 1985 Burger King released a series of ads about Herb. See, according to their "research", EVERYONE in the world had tried a burger at Burger King. EXCEPT HERB.

So, Burger King ran a $40 million dollar ad campaign featuring the slogan "Where's Herb?" The TV commercials went something like this:

OLD LADY: I'm Herb's mom. He is such a loser.
MAN: I sold Herb a ladder once, he was a nice guy, but he needs to eat more fast food!
ANNOUNCER: Find Herb at Burger King and you can win money.

Yup, the actor who played Herb traveled the country giving people money if they recognized him.

Unfortunately, no one knew what he looked like.

So, people were constantly harassed when they went to Burger King.

MAN ONE: Are you Herb?
MAN TWO: No, are you trying to win that money?
MAN ONE: No, I need to borrow his ladder.

Finally, on Superbowl Sunday, Herb was revealed. Herb was the stereotypical nerd. Thick glasses, white socks and a loud suit.

That way, only nerds were harassed at Burger King, which is how it should be.

Herb also appeared at Wrestlemania 2 as one of the celebrity judges for the Mr. T vs. Roddy Piper boxing match.

In the end, the ad campaign was a failure. No one quite knew what the commercials were saying? Herb was a nerd because he NEVER had a Burger King hamburger. But, WHY would we look for him there? What was he doing at Burger King if he didn't eat hamburgers? Was he a vegetarian? Did he just like that hot chick that worked the register? No one knew? Hey that last sentence wasn't a question? Why did it end with a question mark?

Now for my confession:
I have never eaten a Fish Fillet at McDonalds. Find me at a McDonalds and I will give you... a surly attitude.


  1. Why wouldn't Herb eat a Burger King Whopper? I could see him avoiding KFC Chicken, becuase that is made with 11 Herbs and Spices and he was terrified that he would be one of the "11 Herbs" that goes into a bucket of chicken. But as far as I know, the Whopper uses no Herbs or parts from Herbs at all. Now there is an urban legend in Kentucky that Col Sanders himself would individually kill the 11 Herbs needed for 1 bucket of friend chicken, but I don't know if that's true. So you can see why he would avoid KFC, but Burger King? I don't understand it at all.

  2. I think a greater challenge would be to find someone who actually at an Arby's. Or for you big game hunters, the rarest of rare species... a person drinking an RC Cola at an Arby's.

  3. Herb was a nerd because he NEVER had a Burger King hamburger. But, WHY would we look for him there? What was he doing at Burger King if he didn't eat hamburgers? Sweetie, I think I have some insight into your query. See, I, too have never eaten a Burger King hamburger. However, like Herb, I have entered into Burger Kings and I have even ordered a Whopper.

    When you are campaigning, Sweeite, for any elected office, you have to show the common folk you are one of them. The President, with his phony Texas accent and false bravado does an excellent job of reaching voters. On the other hand, with my aloof nature, Boston accent, prep school grammar and expensive hobbies like wind surfing off my wife's private beach, I have a more difficult task.

    Therefore, fast food resturaunts are the great equalizer in any race. (Except for Yale Student Body President.) Much like Herb, I can enter a Burger King anonymously (as long as the 18 camera crews are ignored), as the common folk do not expect to see a 'celebrity' dining there. I can walk up to the counter and due the general ignorance of your average Burger King employee not be recognized. I, then order my Whopper in front of the cameras and then meet and greet the proleteriat as my order is prepared.

    Since I never eat this crap, I usually hand my order to some homeless guy out in front of the store. (The secret service advises him that contact will be made verbally, and not to attempt to shake my hand.) After the campaign stop, I'll have Mrs. Landingham, my house servant, call Resturaunt Daniel in New York and have them deliver a gourmet meal to where ever on God's earth I may be. Thank god, I spent about $100,000 of Teresa's money dinning there before I started campaigning.

    So, obviously Sweetie, Herb was running for political office. Judging from his off the rack suit and cheap shoes, it was probably as a local alderman or committee member. But using BK has a campaign tool has it's advantages at all levels of politics.

  4. In many ways, Herb is the anti-me. He doesn't like Burgers, I love them so much I have to steal them. He prefers Burger King, I prefer McDonalds. He dresses like a nerd, I dress like an ex-con. He appears at wrestling, I attend children's parties. Clearly, I will never be free of my hamburger obession until Herb is destroyed. I must kill my opposite.

    Oh, wait, I mean robble robble robble robble robble

  5. Senator Kerry,

    Why would you need the Secret Service to point out the homeless people at Burger King? You proved at Friday's debate you have the ability to judge a person's income just by looking at them. Based on one quick galance you could tell no one in the room earned $200,000, clearly you could tell who is homeless

  6. Mr. Freeze,

    What's really amazing is that I put myself into the same salary category as the President and Charlie Gibson. Yet as a U.S. Senator, my salary is only $154,700 a year. Obviously if it weren't for my wife, I would have no problem qualifying for those middle class tax breaks I have no intention of giving.

    Incidentally, I can tell who's homeless and who's not. The secret service advises the homeless person on the terms and conditions under which he is eligible to receive the Whopper.

  7. Thank you for your keen insight Mr. Kerry. Oh wait, I meant Mr. Hamburgler!

  8. Senator Kerry,

    Why would Herb run for Public Office? If I remember correctly from my high school Social Studies class, isn't the Burger Kingdom a monopoly? Oh, if only someone posting on this blog could answer that question!

  9. Yes Hall of Famer, the Kingdom of Burgers is a monarchy passed down for several generations. Herb existed at a time when the previous Burger King, my father, allowed people to try other fast food resturants and not eat all Burger King food. Now, if this happened under my grandfather, Herb would have been hung in the public square for all to see what we do with those who do not eat Whoppers!! But my father was a kind and generous ruler who seemed amused by Herb. Plus he thought it would improve relations with McDonaldland, whom we recently ended our "cold" war with as well begin to open discussions with the China King and Panda Max. He thought it would go far after the scandal with my grandfather and the corrupt "oil for fries" program created by the UN. So yes, Hall of Famer, that is story of our great land, proud people, and Herb, who helps us all to remember the importance of diversity in the Kingdom of Burgers!!!

  10. Thanks for the comment. I like your blog; it reminds me of X-Entertainment, which is likely my most-visited site. I'll be watching it. =)

  11. Being English, you will have to forgive my ignorance of American burger culture, but is Burger King really so bad? I must agree with the original post however when it comes to Fish fillets at McDonalds. I just don't trust em. Prejudiced I know, but hey why they trying to fool us into thinking it might just taste nice by giving it a pseudo French accent?! I always insist on calling it a fillet of fish in my best broadest Yorkshire accent.

  12. Carlos,
    Burger King isn't THAT bad, they just aren't THAT good. Except thier chicken sandwich, that rocks!

  13. the burger king thing is interesting...

    i was just going to say thanks for being the first one to post something in my blog. i'm glad that the first thing that was said was something nice, things have been really difficult. thank you. if you ever wanna talk or something let me know... my aim screen name is SunshineGirl02 so talk to you later....