Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Carousel of Progress 2: Electric Boogaloo

Walt Disney’s Carousel of Progress is considered (by some) to be in need of an update. I like the old show, but perhaps it IS truly time for a change. So, I have decided to create my own script for a new, updated Carousel starring ME!

As you approach the building the familiar Carousel logo has been altered to read “Sweetie’s Carousel of Progress” and has been adorned with a big photo of me wearing a cowboy hat and sporting a giant mustache.

Oh yeah, in the show I will be portrayed by a robot pretending to be Ted Turner.

Once you enter the theater, everything looks pretty much the same as it does today. A Disney cast member comes to the front of the theater.

CAST MEMBER: Hello and welcome to the Carousel of Progress. This show was originally created by Walt Disney back in 1964. Today, due to budget cuts, Walt Disney World has been forced to sell the Carousel of Progress to famous Billionaire Sweetie Guy Hutchinson.
You may remember from his famous business decisions such as; colorizing classic movies, destroying the cable industry and marrying Jane Fonda.
As a special treat he is here today to guide you through the show.

Curtains open to reveal (ROBOT) SWEETIE.

(ROBOT) SWEETIE: Hello ya’ll. Ready for a rootin’ tootin’ good time?

CAST MEMBER: We sure are. Now, there is no smoking or eating or drinki-

SWEETIE: Like rawhide there aint! See here, I own this here show and I own a large tobacco company and a liquor conglomerate. So in this theater smoking and drinking are MANDITORY!
Now on with the show!

We hear FATHER singing and begin to see him as the theater rotates. He is in the same setting as the original show; sitting in his chair in the kitchen. The date is just before the turn of the century.

FATHER (SINGING): There's a great big beautiful tomorrow
Shining at the end of every day.
There's a great big beautiful tomorrow
And tomorrow's just a dream away.

SWEETIE: Whoo doggies, I dig that tune.

FATHER: Well, the robins are back. That's a sure sign of spring. What year is it? Oh, just before the turn of the century. And believe me; things couldn't be any better than they are today.
Yes sir, we've got all the latest things: gas lamps, a telephone, and the latest design in cast iron stoves-

SWEETIE: Blah, blah, blah. Who cares? No one wants to hear about the stove, tell us about the car!

SWEETIE: Oh right, you don’t have any cars yet. Let’s skip ahead.

FATHER: Skip ahead?

SWEETIE: Start singin’ the song, buddy.

FATHER (SINGING-FAST): There's a great big beautiful tomorrow
Shining at the end of every day.
There's a great big beautiful tomorrow
And tomorrow's just a dream away.

The stage rotates revealing an updated, but still old fashioned kitchen.

SWEETIE: Okey dokey. Here’s the 1920’s!

FATHER: Whew! Hottest summer we've had in years. Well, we've progressed a long way since the turn of the century, twenty years ago. But no one realized then that this would be the age of electricity. Everyone's using it: farmers, factories, whole towns!

SWEETIE: Less is more, friend, less is more. Just tell us about the car.

FATHER: You know, the young folks have their own ideas about entertainment. For instance, Jane, our teenage daughter, is gettin' ready to go to a trolley party on one of those new electric streetcars.

SWEETIE (TO AUDIENCE): Wait till you see this car, I bought it from Disney, too.

Suddenly HERBIE THE LOVE BUG crashes onto the stage and into father, squashing him. Sweetie has not noticed this yet.

SWEETIE: Lookie at that! That is some STAR POWER! Alright, Pal, now you can go back to babbling about electric lights. Buddy?

Sweetie turns around to see the lifeless robot body under the wheels of Herbie. Sweetie turns back to the audience.
SWEETIE: Uh we better continue on to the next scene.

Sweetie begins to hum the song as the stage rotates to the next scene. Herbie starts beeping his horn to the tune. The stage rotates to the 1940’s scene. Father sits at the table. His head is bandaged and his arm is in a cast.

FATHER: Well it's autumn again, and the kids are back in school. Thank goodness! Now we're in the frantic forties, and it's amazing how today's household appliances are helping to take over the hard work, like our new electric washing machine. It does about everything but hang up the clothes-

SWEETIE: Sorry to interrupt, but I have added a bit of star power to this scene, too. Call for your wife.

FATHER: Uh, OK. Mother!

SWEETIE: You call your wife “mother?” What a weirdo.

The curtain rises on stage left. MOTHER is bound and gagged being held a knife point by some PIRATES.

PIRATE ONE: I say we make her walk the plank, what do you say matees?

PIRATE TWO: I say we let me try on her dress so I can look pretty.

PIRATE ONE: Arrrgh, and you thought that guy was a weirdo.

FATHER: Good Lord! My wife is being held hostage by PIRATES?

SWEETIE: Not just any pirates, these are the Pirates of the Caribbean. Star power baby! Let’s move on to the next scene.

FATHER: No, I have had enough. This show is over!

SWEETIE: What? I’m calling the shots here.

Scrooge McDuck enters.

SCROOGE: Not anymore. I just bought the show from you in a leveraged buyout.

SWEETIE: What!?!?!

SCROOGE: Security!! Get this man out of my theater!

Donald Duck enters in a security guard outfit. He grabs Sweetie and pummels him, knocking his mustache off. Donald then drags Sweetie offstage.
FATHER: What a beautiful ending!

SCROOGE: It’s not over yet! We still have to sing our song!

FATHER AND SCROOGE: There's a great big beautiful tomorrow
Shining at the end of every day.
There's a great big beautiful tomorrow
And tomorrow's just a dream away.

Man has a dream, and that's the start.
He follows his dream with mind and heart.
And when it becomes a reality,
It's a dream come true for you and me.

So there's a great big beautiful tomorrow
Shining at the end of every day.
There's a great big beautiful tomorrow
Just a dream away.



  1. Anonymous2/02/2005

    1) It's about time Herbie, the Love Bug made it onto Bunch o Junk. I've been waiting for that since the site started.

    2) Where was Huey, Duey, and Luey?

    3) This was the funniest thing I've read in a long long long long long long time. I see the Carousel of Progress gets funnier as we approach a new century. 

    Posted by Mr. Freeze

  2. Anonymous2/02/2005

    You should have stuck the Tiki Room birds in there. 

    Posted by Jenni21

  3. Anonymous2/02/2005

    I just realized there isn't any progress to be had on a carousel. You're just going around in a circle until you end up back in the same spot. I guess that explains the return of bellbottoms.

    It was another interesting article though. Here's to hoping a few other boring Disney attractions will get the Sweetie treatment (I'm looking at you Country Bear Jamboree), or at the very least that there will be a Carousel of Progress With A Vengeance.

    Posted by cravipat

  4. Anonymous2/02/2005

    sings "When we say less is more, less is more. It's more absorbant than the regular rippled brand for sure. What you used to love now you're gonna adore. With Charmin Ultra, less is more. Cha-cha-cha, Charmin"

  5. Anonymous2/02/2005

    Sweetie, that was me singing the Charmion song. I'm not Anonymous! I'm not! I have an identity!!! 

    Posted by Nettie

  6. Anonymous2/03/2005

    Good thing it is you, I was worried it was one of those cartoon bears that "do their business" in the woods from the commercial. They scare me. 

    Posted by Sweetie Guy Hutchinson

  7. Anonymous2/03/2005

    Just make sure that the robot's mustache is a REAL mustache or the whole show will be flawed. 

    Posted by George P

  8. Anonymous2/03/2005

    I hope he does something weird and cuts his mustache with scissors. 

    Posted by Sweetie Guy Hutchinson