Movieland Wax: Robert Stack

Here's Robert Stack. His statue is posed holding a gun in character as Eliot Ness from 'The Untouchables.'

Above him are some photos of what I am assuming are FBI buildings. Next to him are books. Possibly books of law. He also has a coffee pot because lawmen love their java.

Mmmmm java.

They should have stacked up the books and put a sign on them reading "Robert's stack." That would have made me laugh.

Movieland Wax: Hulk Hogan

His name is synonymous with Pro Wrestling. He is Hulk Hogan.

Actually, that isn't true. His name isn't SYNONOMOUS with Pro Wrestling. Handsome Harley Race doesn't fill out job applications listing "Hulk Hogan" as his previous career. You wouldn't say "Roller Derby is similar to Hulk Hogan." You wouldn't call Hulk Hogan fake.

No wait, I would say that.

Well, the Hulkster was EVEN MORE fake at Movieland Wax.

The statue was posed in a small ring in front of a giant WWF logo. He was located near Superman, Sylvester Stallone and Mr. T.

Hogan was one of the celebrities that visited 'himself' at the museum. In addition, he placed his hands in cement outside in Movieland's forecourt.

Movieland Wax Museum

The Movieland Wax Museum was a fixture in fabulous Buena Park California (just outside of Disneyland) for 43 years. On Halloween Day, 2005 they closed their doors forever.

Click on any photo below to read a short article about it.

Two Geoffreys

This summer I was lucky enough to have the opportunity to get TWO photos with Geoffrey the Toys R Us giraffe.

Here are the photos side by side.

On the left is Geoffrey at Toys R Us in Time Square, New York. You will notice that I am not in the photo. I said that I had the OPPORTUNITY to get a photo with him twice. I didn't ACTUALLY get both photos taken, however.

In New York you have to pay to get your photo with Geoffrey. Seems like a tough rule, but Geoffrey has always been all about the money. I can't blame him for charging. I didn't pay for it because I have a rule about paying for photos with giraffes.

MY RULE FOR PAYING FOR PHOTOS WITH GIRAFFES:
Although exciting, giraffe photos may be excluded if its probative value is substantially outweighed by the cost. If there is confusion of the price, or misleading signs regarding the price, or by considerations of undue delay, waste of time, or needless presentation of cumulative evidence of giraffes. It can also be avoided if I am saving my money to buy a Jar Jar Binks figure.

The photo on the right was taken at a grand opening of a Babies R Us. I guess this seemed like a good time to break out the 'old style' costume. The 'newer' costume on the left is a more realistic costume, in line with the REAL giraffe used in the TV commercials. The 'old style' costume looks more like the old cartoon Geoffrey who appeared in the commercials (mainly in the 1980s.)

The cartoon Geoffrey is naked. His counterpart (despite going for the REALISTIC look) wears a polo shirt and khaki pants.

I guess this is to show the employees that even Geoffrey isn't above the uniform code. Or maybe some kid vomited on the costume and throwing an old uniform over it saved them from having to buy a new one.

The Movie Ratings Poster

Do you remember this poster?

It was the official movie ratings poster for many years. In fact, it is older than the NC-17 rating, so it used to have the X rating at the bottom.

I love this poster. I spent countless minutes looking at it as I waited for mom and dad to get the tickets.

Most of that time was spent looking at the dirty film at the bottom. What was it that they saw? I was so curious and jealous of those perverts.

Today this poster can still be found occasionally. For the most part, however, it has been replaced by this poster:

I don't like this one nearly as much. Plus, I hate when people take kids to R rated films. They kids are usually bored and start to talk or cry or run around.
I decided to make my own version of this poster to try and keep the kids out of the next showing of Doom:

Actually the poster could say:

Don't worry about the NC-17. It is sooo unlikely that this theater will EVER show an NC-17 that you shouldn't waste your "brain space" on its definition. Keep that space for your memories of 'Head of the Class' and 'Silver Spoons.'

Nonetheless, the old poster was better. Let’s take a look at it rating by rating:





Apparently 'G' is for 'giraffe!' Also, G is the only place you will ever find a nerd in a top hat. Make a note of that.
Plus, look at the boobs on the 'mom' in the middle. Whoo hooo! 'G' might be for GAZOOOMBAS!





Parents begin to use discretion at PG films. It is seems to be the right rating for broads from New Jersey and their giant teased hair. On the right we see a pale kid and his ghetto blaster. I bet it has never blasted through a single ghetto.






PG-13 really seems to shake up the movie-going family. Mom covers the daughter's eyes, Dad covers one of his son's eyes (poor kid is blind in the other) and the daughter covers up the rabbit's eyes.
It is worth noting that the rabbit has attended every film so far. He has no life.
Also, the family is joined by a midget matre’de. His name is Juan. He likes to laugh at the funny Adam Sandler movie.





It seems the parents agree with my philosophy about not taking kids to the R rated flicks since they are alone now.
Well, not COMPLETLY alone, they are joined by a pair of horny teens on the left and some overbearing mom and her dorky kid on the right.
Conspicuous by his absence is the rabbit. Perhaps he thought the 'G' for 'giraffe' was so stupid he didn't want to encourage an 'R' for rabbit.





Or, maybe the rabbit just hates R rated films because he likes the hard core stuff. He's hiding on the left wearing a pair of sunglasses so that no one recognizes him.
The couple is now joined by a greaser from a 1950's motorcycle film.


So, that is the ratings poster. Because of this poster I spent a lifetime in theaters showing G films just to get a glimpse of a giraffe. Never did I see one. Not even an antelope.

This poster lied to me.

Bobby Teenager

In the world of multiplexes, AMC is pretty big. And, like they said in Spider-man:
"With great size comes great responsibility."

Wait, I don't think that was in Spider-man. Maybe it was in the adult film rip off.

Either way, AMC recognizes their responsibility to the community. Even though the community constantly confuses them with a TV network that used to show classic movies commercial free and now shows movies rejected by TBS and crams then full of commercials for hair care products.

Stupid AMC television.

But, let's not blame AMC theaters for that.

AMC does plenty of good for the community (although I don't think they played the smut version of Spider-man and I will never forgive them for that.)



This poster demonstrates their desire to keep kids out of the R-rated films.

"Show us your picture. We'll show you ours." They promise.

It's not true.

I.D. alone will not get you into the movie. You need money.

Stupid liars and their stupid television network.

The rest of the poster shows Bobby Teenager's "Valid Photo ID." Someone had scribbled all over Bobby's face before I took this photo. Bunch of savages in this town.

Speaking of which, Bobby lives in Anytown, USA.

Anytown USED to be a good place to live, but they started letting teens into R-rated films in the mid 1960s. Those teens grew to become adults and due to their exposure to the film Theatre of Death they all worship Satan today.

It's no wonder Bobby goes to the theater so often, it's an escape from watching his parents wade through the blood of non-believers.

Bobby has been a fixture at AMC theaters for over 10 years now. I have seen his mug at AMC theaters in AT LEAST a half dozen states. Bobby seems just a prevalent today as when he warned me and my juvenile buddies that a world of trouble awaited us if we tried to get tickets for Sliver.

The bottom line is: Bobby HAS to be old enough to see R-rated films now!

Here is a computer enhanced image of what he might look like today.