Thursday, March 13, 2008

A Bunch of Movies NOT On DVD

When you pursue the shelves of your local supermarket, I bet you probably find yourself wondering: WHY DON'T THEY MAKE SPAGHETTIOS WITH SAUSAGE?

Me too.

Here are some movies that are not available on DVD...

Brewster Mcloud- This was a 1970's era Robert Altman flick about a weird kid who lived inside the Astrodome and dreamed of flying. It's an odd film featuring strange things like an old man riding down the highway (in an out of control wheelchair) and the lady who played Olive Oil in the Popeye film doing something.

Buy & Cell- Roddy Piper, Randall "Tex" Cobb and the 'beep boop beep' guy from Police Academy star in this piece of 1980s cinematic fast food. It has something to do with convicts making money in the stock market.

Cool as Ice- Vanilla Ice does a good James Dean impression... minus the bisexuality.

Doug’s First Movie- The animated Disney cartoon character appears in his first film.... minus the bisexuality.

Comrades of Summer- A favorite film here on, this flick stars Joe Mantegna as a guy who has to coach a bunch of Russian ball players. In the end they all find a deeper love than they ever knew... minus the bisexuality.

The Garbage Picking Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon- This film stars Tony Danza as a garbage man who becomes a Philadelphia Eagle. It is loosely based on the dude that Marky Mark played in Invincible... minus the... ah never mind.

The Gong Show Movie- Chuck Barris plays himself in a quirky film about a quirky show.
You know what would have been funny? Remember in Back to the Future when Marvin Berry was playing at the dance? What if it was Marvin Barris! Then he could call his cousin and say "Yo Chuck, it's Marvin... Marvin Barris! You know that new sound you're looking for? Well listen to this!" Then they cut to Marty McFly, but instead of playing 'Johnny B. Good' he is just banging a big Chinese gong.

Hamburger: The Motion Picture- This one is about a hamburger college. The back of the VHS box said something like "Russel has a beef. He's in a real pickle. He has a juicy college fund, but he needs to stop the bull and get his buns in gear and go to Buster Burger University. If he can cut the mustard and impress the big cheese he will get to tomato his meat patty and pass the mayonnaise and sesame seed bun, double quarter pounder... meat, meat, ketchup."

The Kid with the 200 I.Q.; The Kid from Left Field; The Kid with the Broken Halo- These three films are sort of, kind of a trilogy. Gary Coleman and Robert Guillaume star in all three and the word "The Kid" is in the title of each. My favorite is The Kid from Left Field where Gary plays for the San Diego Padres and Ed McMahon sits behind a desk and yells at people.

The Phynx- This is a dumb film with an all star cast. With stars as varied as James Brown, Richard Pryor, Ed Sullivan, Joe Louis and Colonel Sanders; this tells a story so convoluted I don't remember it. I do remember I was eating some chicken fajita jerky when I watched it. Man, that was some good jerky.

Rubin & Ed- A bizarre road comedy starring Howard Hessman and Crispin Glover, this flick is responsible for one of the oddest moments in TV history.
During a promotional appearance on the David Letterman late night show, Glover showed up in costume and in character. He proceeded to give a bizarre interview that made some people think he was on drugs... but watch this film and you will see that he was just being Rubin Farr.

The Singing Fool- This was Al Jolson's follow up to The Jazz Singer and was more successful than that film. It featured more talking and the famous song "I'm Sittin' on Top of the World."

Scavenger Hunt- This is the first film I remember seeing in a movie theater. I saw it in Early 1980 and I remember laughing and laughing. It featured a pretty stellar cast (including Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tony Randall, Richard Mulligan, Vincent Price and Scatman Corothers.) It was a semi-remake of It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World. It features both slapstick and more nuanced types of humor... but I just remember liking that there was a scene with a toilet name Maurice.

Hollywood Hot Tubs- This 1980's jiggle-fest was most notable because they altered the Hollywood Sign (to say Hollyweed) for the opening scene. Other than that it mostly features girls in hot tubs.

This just scratches the surface of the films NOT on DVD. But, perhaps we shouldn't scratch too deeply. It might get infected.

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