Friday, February 17, 2006

Mocking the List: 5 things you GOTTA do this October

Try as I may, I am often late. Punctuality is a virtue, and I am one without virtue.

Turn you eyes from me as you walk down the street.

Today, I will try to fix that. I'll go to work early, I will be on time for dinner and I will read that stack of Disney Adventures magazines that have been piling up since October.

Holy Ida Lupino! I opened the magazine and there is a list of "5 things you GOTTA do this October" and I still haven't done them! Let me get to this NOW! Work and those other things can wait!

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1. Design a wacky face for your jack-o-lantern...
Wow, this is gonna be tough. I threw away my jack-o-lantern MONTHS ago (of course by "threw away" I meant "threw off the overpass into traffic," but charges are still pending. So, lets pretend I just threw it away.)

Maybe I have an orange... nope. Maybe a potato... Oh wait! I have a jar of dry roasted peanuts! Let me carve 'em up.

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I call the one on the left "Scary Sam," the one on the right I call "Dick Cheney's Trigger Finger."

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2. Help rake a pile of leaves and the jump into the pile.
See why you shouldn't procrastinate? Now I have to go help some one... uh... I will help em shovel snow and then jump into the pile.

Hey, this list is pretty stupid, what if you live in any of the parts of the world where the leaves don't fall? What if you are too poor to afford a tree? What if you are having waaaaay too much fun playing with your peanut-o-lanterns?

I'm skipping this one.

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3. Visit to find a fun fact...
FACT: Milwaukee Brewers' pitcher Dan Thomas was arrested for rape in 1980. He hanged himself in jail.

Wasn't that fun?

How about this one:

FACT: Sox pitcher Frederick Oscar Bratschi killed himself in the early sixties by ingesting battery acid.

These really are fun facts! (

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4. Invent your own catch phrase...
"This is as ill as battery acid to a Bratschi." That's my new catchphrase. It's pretty dope.

5. Map out the "good" houses on your trick or treating route to avoid those that give out pennies...
Piece of cake! I did that back in October:
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It's as ill as battery acid to a Bratschi!


  1. Oh my god! The next issue is 10 things I gotta do this NOVEMBER!

  2. Anonymous2/17/2006

    Loved the map. Very good stuff.

  3. I like the face the chocolate covered pennies house has.

  4. Anonymous2/19/2006

    Are all the fun facts about suicidal baseball players? No musicians or anything?

  5. Anonymous2/21/2006

    Getting a chocolate covered penny while I'm trick-or-treating is my second biggest fear. My biggest fear is being audited. By bears.

  6. Nettie! "Suicidal musicians" can not be part of "fun facts" because they aren't really fun, they are just sad. Unless they are chocolate covered.