Tuesday, June 01, 2004

Where there's a Will, theres a sass (this essay has nothing to do with Will Sasso)

I saw the disaster film The Day After Tomorrow.
I saw it the day before yesterday, but that is besides the point.
I liked it. Lots of things breaking and the Capitol Records building being destroyed even better than it was destroyed in Earthquake. This film had a positive ending, a teenage romance and a DOG that lives through the disaster. This was basically a remake of Independence Day.

There was something missing, however. Will Smith sassing things. How great would that be!

Will: Sir, I just can't wait to go up there and whip Mother Natures backside.

Stand down Mother Nature! You just got SASSED by Will Smith!

Or he could have put on sunglasses and shouted at the sky:

Will: You know what the difference between me and the bad weather is? I make wearing sunglasses look GOOD. The weather is old and busted and I am the NEW hotness.

I wonder how Tommy Lee Jones felt about this? In the first film Will tells him that even though they have the same clothes on he makes it 'look good.' In the sequel he says that Tommy is 'old and busted.' What will they do for the third one? Maybe Will can just hit him in the groin with a big hammer.

Poor Tommy Lee Jones. Not only does he have to share two thirds of his name with a goofy rocker who says 'rad' WAY too much, but he gets sassed.

I feel his pain.

In Las Vegas, Nevada there is a Star Trek themed ride called Star Trek Experience. I rode it. It was really cool, but what I will remember most was the guy who tried to sass a Klingon.
I was in line when a large Klingon woman walked next to us. For those that don't know a Klingon is a humanoid monster with a large forehead (not UNLIKE Dee Snider.)
So the Klingon comes by and shoves us all while bad mouthing the human race. One man turned angrily to the Klingon.

ANGRY MAN: Yo, who you think your shovin'!
KLINGON: You! Now out of my way filthy human.
ANGRY MAN: Yeah, well, at least I gots my plats.

I was lost for a moment. What were plats? Were they platform shoes? Or maybe a decorative dinner platter given to him by President Clinton? WHAT WERE PLATS?

My query was answered seconds later as he shook his PLATINUM chain towards the Klingon. Platinum jewelry is PLATS! Wow! He really sassed that Klingon. Klingons don't have any plats!

I have been sassed many times.

My favorite sassing occurred at a movie theater. I was on my way in to see the Damon Wayan's yukfest Major Paine when I bumped into a woman leaving the theater.

ME: I'm sorry.
WOMAN: Yeah, well watch where you're going ACE VENTURA.

She called me Ace Ventura. Why, I had no idea. I really don't resemble Jim Carrey in any physical way. But I was indeed sassed!

Towards the end of Major Paine Damon sasses a blind kid with a seeing eye dog. "What's with the dog, Ace Ventura?" he said.

I got it! The kid had a dog, like Ace Ventura who has MANY pets. That is why he was called Ace Ventura. Before the show I had no dog with me, nor was there any indication that I owned a pet of any kind,but I received the same sass!

I guess she figured if it was good enough to sass a blind kid, it could be used to sass anyone!

Have you ever been sassed?

To read an essay about Will Sasso from another website click here.


  1. Wow! For a minute I thought that this was going to be the kind of Will Smith love fest that is normally reserved for Saturday afternoon AM radio shows.

    Seriously though, I've been sassed more times than I would care to admit. One that made me feel real sassed was when a colege kid who had to be at least four years younger than me asked me to move out of his way by saying, "Look out, kid," at some stupid college pep rally that I ended up at with my ex.

  2. the links are a riot! i loved the photo of clinton with the platter and the squirrel with the platform shoes had me on the floor!

  3. I must say, I have sassed people. I have also been sassed. It is better to give sass, then to receive.