Monday, July 12, 2004

Working in a flaming pit of garbage as glass chard toting monkeys threaten you, and villagers laugh at you

Wow. That has to be the longest title for ANYTHING since Lara Croft: Tomb Raider: Cradle of Life. Really. Plus, it is not really a catchy title. I would probably have skipped it myself, except for the monkeys.

I love monkeys. I am not sure why. My dream is to one day have a monkey that FOLLOWS me around wearing identical clothes. He would also play the fiddle and we would have a hoe down nightly (I would play the jug, of course.)

Monkeys are funny, and so is garbage.

Think about it. Movies like Garbage Pail Kids and The Garbage Picking Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon are considered by virtually every film historian as 'the FUNNIEST movies ever made.'

Plus, what would be funnier than dumping garbage on someone. Nickelodeon has founded an ENTIRE network out of this philosophy. Garbage, like monkeys, is FUNNY.

This brings me to the title. I once saw a man who was working in a flaming pit of garbage as glass chard toting monkeys threatened, and villagers laughed at him.

I was watching TV and I flipped past PBS. They were showing monkeys playing in a pit of garbage. I had to watch. Then one of the monkeys grabbed a piece of broken glass. The narrator explained that monkeys would search for things in the trash to play with or to use as a tool.

THE MONKEY HAD A GLASS CHARD.

At first the monkey was AMAZED by the glass. He held the chard up to his face and admired his reflection. He HOWLED with glee. Soon other monkeys gathered around. After finding the magic of the chard of glass they dug through the trash and found their own chard. There, in the pit of garbage, several monkeys admired themselves in a chard of glass. Suddenly, the number of monkeys OUTNUMBERED the pieces of glass.

THIS IS WHEN THINGS WENT BAD.

Soon, monkeys were fighting, swinging their shards of glass at each other like the Jets and the... uh whatever gang Travolta was in in Grease (or West Side Story, I have trouble separating one 'singing thug' movie from the next.)
The narrator then explained that the local villagers enjoyed watching the monkeys (no, not Davey Jones), and who could blame them. How many can say that they have witnessed a full on monkey war that did not involve Roddy McDowell or Marky Mark?

Suddenly, due to the heat the garbage BURSTS into flames. Yes, not a big inferno, but smaller fires caused (said the narrator) by the reflection of the sun rays off the glass shards. The light would hit some flammable liquid an bam! We have FIRE.

This didn't stop the monkeys, they kept battling. Nor, were the villagers phased by the fire. They sat there at the fence pointing and laughing.

THEN WE SAW THE WORKER.

A young man, probably in his 20's stood in the pit of flaming garage with a shovel. He was shoveling garbage on top of the flames, presumably to put the fire out.

HE WAS SURROUNDED BY GLASS CHARD TOTING MONKEYS IN A FLAMING PIT OF GARBAGE AS VILLAGERS LAUGHED AT HIM.

How much could they possibly pay him? How could this be worthwhile?

I thought I had bad jobs, but NONE topped this. What was your worst job?

6 comments:

  1. I can't believe ALL those monkeys surrounded by fire and NOT ONE (let me repeat) NOT ONE, decided to use that fire to light a cigeratte. All that stress of fighting other monkeys and looking for shards of glass and none of them decided to light up and enjoy a relaxing smoke break? I am stunned. Those monkeys worked hard!! Villagers were laughing at them!! That's got to be stressful. Not one of them found a carton of Kools or Lucky Strikes in garbage? None of them found a cigar or a pipe?

    There is nothing, I repeat, nothing funnier in this world than a monkey smoking. Yes, monkeys are funny, but give a monkey a cigeratte and only two words can describe the situation: "Hi" and "liarous". No other words will do. Few things can cheer a person up on a bad day quite like monkeys smoking. I dare anyone reading this blog to picture a monkey smoking without laughing. Try it! It's impossible. A smoking monkey is truly one of the most wonderous sights in the worlds.

    I still can't believe not a single monkey decided to chill out and enjoy the feeling of nicotine running through thier viens. Perhaps that's why they started fighting--they were having a nicotine fit.

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  2. You know what would be AWESOME??? If Evel Knievel jumped over the flaming pits of garbage, while villagers laughed and monkeys fought. Perhaps, Knievel could jump from a distance that would enable him to also jump over the villagers, too. And then Cookie Monster would eat his hubcaps. Oh man, that would be SWEEEEETTTTTT!!!!

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  3. Freeze, good point about the monkey with the cigarette. The only thing funnier is a monkey with a pipe.

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  4. There is something funnier than a monkey with a pipe: a monkey with a BUBBLE PIPE!

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  5. I once worked at Blockbuster. I am pretty sure I hated it, but I have repressed all memory of it.

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  6. My worst job was as a newspaper boy. NO ONE EVER PAID ME! I also have never been a good early riser.

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