Tuesday, July 13, 2004

Junior Jr.

Recently I found out that Marlon Brando's full name was Marlon Brando Jr. Interesting, don't you think? Not an earth shattering revelation or anything, but interesting.

After about 10 minutes of research, I was AWASH in the Jr.'s of Movieland. Clint Eastwood, Will Smith, Robert De Niro, George Lucas, Bill Cosby and George Peppard ARE ALL JR.S!
Add to that list the "out of the closet" Jr.s like Sammy Davis Jr. and Robert Downey Jr. and I have come to one conclusion.

A CAN OF SPAGETTIOS WITH SLICED FRANKS IS BETTER THAN CUTTING UP A HOT DOG AND PUTTING IT IN A REGULAR CAN OF SPAGETTIOS.

Oh wait, two conclusions.

The other conclusion is: The industry is over run with Jr.s!

(By the way, it is at this point that I must admit my ignorance. I have no idea how to properly pluralize Jr. and 'spell check' wont help me. Jr.s is what you will see in this article. If it is wrong, deal with it.)

With this OVERLOAD of Jr.s. I present:

THE BUNCH O JUNK JR. AWARDS


The award for BEST TOKEN UGLY BOY BAND MEMBER goes to:

Joseph Fatone Jr. (Joey Fatone)
Yes, Joey Fatone. Ironically he was slightly overweight and his last name was FAT ONE. Even more ironic, Justin Timberlake, chose the STAGE NAME Justin Timberlake over his given name JUSTIN OVERRATEDONE.

The award for BEST STRAIGHT MAN TO SCREECH goes to:
Mario López Jr. (Mario Lopez)
Yes, Screech rode Mario's coat tails to fame and fortune. If it wasn't Urkel's violent attack (and murder) of Screech in the late 90's, who knows how far Mario and Screech would have gone.

The award for BEST MUSIC TO A SCI FI CLASSIC goes to:
John Williams Jr. (John Williams)
You may recognize the name John Williams. He has scored virtually every film George Lucas and Steven Spielberg have directed. He has scored films so diverse as E. T. The Extra Terrestrial, Raiders of the Lost Ark, and Home Alone. His filmography includes over 200 projects. We, are honoring him for his unforgettable music in one of them. Heartbeeps. No other conductor could have tugged at our emotions as we watched Andy Kaufman's journey as a robot. Sci fi fans everywhere thank you, Mr. Williams.

The award for BEST CHOICE OF A MADE UP FIRST NAME TO DISAVOW YOUR JR.-SHIP goes to:
Judge Reinhold (Edward Ernest Reinhold Jr.)
See, we were doing that whole 'parenthesis around the real name after the well known name' thing for a reason. Who knew his real name was Edward? Who cared?

The award for BEST JR. WHO WE COULDN'T MAKE FUN OF goes to:
Martin Luther King Jr. (Martin Luther King Jr.)
Congratulations.

The award for BEST KOOKY ANCHORMAN STORY goes to:
Dan Rather (Dan Irvin Rather Jr.)
If you do not remember the 'What's the frequency, Kenneth?' incident, click here.Otherwise, here is a quick re-cap. Dan claimed that a man beat him up while screaming "What's the frequency, Kenneth?" Then REM made a song out of it. If only someone would beat down Michael Stipe screaming "What's the deal with your lame esoteric music these days?" Well, now I know what to wish for when I blow out the candles next birthday.

The award for BEST JUNIOR goes to:
TIE
Louis Gossett Jr. (Louis Gossett Jr.)
Caesar Romero (Caesar Romero Jr.)
Louis Gossett Jr. is honored for being brave enough to keep the Jr. intact at the end of his name. He is also commended for resisting public pressure to change his name to LoGoJo during his brief courtship of Jennifer Lopez.
Caesar Romero is honored because he is CAESAR FRICKIN' ROMERO!


The award for WORST JUNIOR goes to:
JUNIOR (Lousy movie Jr.)
Yup, Schwarzenegger tried to be pregnant and Emma Thompson tried to be funny. I don't know which was more impossible.

Well, that wraps it all up.

Now, complain about my choices, please.

15 comments:

  1. Have to agree with you on the whole spagettios conclusion. It's just not the same.
    Great Jr. list. Never knew that there were so many Jr's. floatin' around Hollywood. Imagine how it feels to be Mario Lopez Senior. Obviously his son stole all of his thunder, and that is the risk that you take when you name your kid after yourself.
    You left off one Jr. though. The Sopranos' Uncle Junior. If your not sure who he is, he kinda looks like the guy they have in those Great Adventure commercials who does that stupid dance.

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  2. True about Uncle Junior not being on the list, but he was one of many. Junior Samples, Pac-Man Jr. and Donkey Kong Jr. also did not make the cut.

    Oh well, there is always next years Jr. Awards.

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  3. HEY! I liked the movie Junior. Maybe it's a girl thing.

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  4. You know what would be AWESOME??? If all the famous juniors throughout the world were in the Arizona Desert and had Evel Knievel and Evel Knievel Jr. jump over them, while Robbie Knievel stood on the ground and everyone pointed at him and laughed because he has a lame first name like "Robbie" and not something cool like "Evel" or even "Good" or perhaps "Good". And then Cookie Monster ate their hubcaps. Oh man, that would be SWEEEEEEEEETTTTTTTT!!

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  5. How could you forget Hillary Duff, Jr.? Perhaps the only girl Jr. on the list and she's a quadruple threat, being a great actress, singer, comedianne, and dancer. You definately need to find a place for her, because SHE ROCKS!! She is so much better than Avril Lavigne, Jr., who has no class. You go, Hillary Duff, Jr.

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  6. You know what would be AWESOME?? If Evel Knievel and Evel Knievel Jr., jumped over Hillary Duff, Jr. Oh man, that would be SWWWEEEEEEEETTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!

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  7. Sweetie,

    How come you are not commenting on the fact that the fast food industry almost exclusively markets to Juniors? Burger King sells the Whooper Jr., Wendy's as the Junior kids meal. Let's not forget Carl's Jr., because Carl is so possessive of the name Jr., that is wants to be known as Carl'S Jr., not Carl Jr. or even Junior Carl (which are better grammatically).

    Plus Ken Griffey Jr. advertises for Sonic Burger, while Cal Ripken Jr. endorses IN and Out Burger. Grimace Jr., is one of the active McDonaldland residents and should make his dad, Grimace Sr. a very proud whatever-the-heck-they-are.

    First Hollywood, AND then Fast Food, and tomorrow the WORLD. The juniors are rising up. What can be done to stop them?

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  8. Mr. Freeze, you make a good point. I am going to hide in my root celler until the Jr. uprising is finished.

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  9. 50 Cent was born 50 Cent Jr. His great-grandfater was Buffalo Nickel III.

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  10. I also liked Junior. Sweetie is just to macho to understand.

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  11. urkel killing screech made me laugh so hard!

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