Thursday, July 22, 2004

Doe a deer, a Dear bunchojunk column

bunchojunk answers advice seeking letters.


Dear bunchojunk:
I need your advice on how to deal with my aging parents. They are in their 70s and have fought like cats and dogs for as long as I can remember. I don't want to be ungenerous, but I am sick and tired of their attempts to get me involved in their fights, and I don't want them to destroy my peaceful, loving home.
-Fighting Mom and Dad

Dear Fighting,
I appreciate your letter, but it is incomplete. You say the fight like 'cats and dogs', but since cats and dogs have very different fighting styles, I will need to know which style they use most. Do they use them interchangeably? Do they rapidly switch from dog fighting stance to cat style and back? Are there certain techniques that each of them favor, be it canine or feline? Please let me know so I can correctly guide you through this battle.


Dear bunchojunk:
My wife and I have a problem with the local Pizza place. It is my favorite place to eat, but she doesn't like to go there because she says the cashier was rude to her once. Should I stop going to please my wife, or enjoy the pizza?
-Mad about Mozzarella

Dear Mad:
When you say "pizza" is that some kind of code word for crack? I'm willing to be it is. Son, stop worrying about your wife. You need to get help, get the monkey off your back. Drugs kill. Don't get caught in their web. Quit doing "pizza", you deserve better.


Dear bunchojunk:
My husband spends hundreds of dollars on baseball tickets, so much that we are forced to live on nothing but dog food. What should I do?
-Living a Dog's Life

Dear Living:
I have a solution for you:

Potluck Alpo Casserole

This tasty Alpo and dressing casserole is a nice size for a couple or potluck dinner.
8 scoops of baked Alpo Come'n Get It
1/2 cup water
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1/4 cup minced onion
1 can (10 3/4 ounce) IAMS Senior dog chow
1 can (10 3/4 ounce) Natures Best Real Beef Dog food
1 1/3 cups milk
1 cup dirt
1/2 cup melted butter

Rinse Alpo and pat dry. Place in a lightly buttered baking dish. Add the 1/2 cup water; sprinkle with salt, pepper, and minced onion. Cover and bake at 350° for 30 minutes, or until tender. Remove Alpo from the baking dish, reserving 1 cup of the juices. Clean pan if using same pan for casserole.
When Alpo is cool enough to handle place in lightly buttered 13x9x2-inch baking dish. Combine the canned dog food and the milk in a medium saucepan. Cook until heated through; pour over Alpo.

Sprinkle the cup of dirt over the mixture. Combine melted butter and reserved Alpo broth; pour evenly over stuffing crumbs.

Bake Alpo casserole, uncovered, at 350° for 30 minutes, or until thoroughly heated. Alpo casserole serves 2-4.

For advance preparation, cook Alpo the night before, then cover and refrigerate until preparation time. Refrigerate Alpo cooking juices in a separate container. Cooking time will be slightly longer.


Dear bunchojunk:
I have a problem, I am afraid my husband is having an affair with my sister "Betsey". He says he is not, but I have seen lots of clues. He spends a lot of time at her house, he is always wearing a t-shirt that says "Betsey's Boy Toy", and his driver's license says on the back "in case of emergency, please notify MY WIFE'S SISTER BETSEY." Do you think he is cheating?
-Betsey's Sister

Dear Sister,
Yes! So, next time you see him, run him over. Then notify Betsey that there was an emergency. When she shows up tell her "it looks like my husband is feeling a little run-down."
I'm sure she will laugh and laugh. Then you gals can go shopping and drink smoothies.

Do you need advice from bunchojunk? Post a comment.


  1. Sweetie,

    I have a reoccuring dream and it's AWESOME. In my dream, Evel Knievel jumps over everything including, a Snapple Bottle, That dude from Wall-Mart's grandmother, people named Junior, Mr. T, the T-Rex from Jurassic Park, the Cos, a Hobo, Steve Irwin, Crocadile Hunter, Skeletor, Hillary Duff, David Rasche, a hobo, a prisoner standing a cell holding bars all day, Bob McGrath, A Robot (but he refuses to jump over I-Robot, weird, huh?) Mr. Freeze, a DVD copy of Joe Somebody, a goat eating a can, Count Von Count, a taco, a tycoon lighting a cigar with a $100 bill, a smoking monkey, Frasier and Lillith, The Riddler, Pittsburgh Pirates Catcher Jason Kendall, a Taco Bell, a White Castle, a McDonalds, Cookie Monster, a Beard of Bees, and some junk I bought on E-bay. Oh, man it's SWWWWWWEEEEEEETTTT!! But what do you think it means?

    All I know is that I had a dream, an AWESOME dream!!

  2. Dear Sweetie,

    I am obsessed with Hillary Duff. I spent 14 hours out of my day watching "Lizzie McGuire". I have used my binoculars to view her walking her dog, I have written over 600 fan letters to Hillary, and currently construcing a giant glass cage for her to live in at my parents' basement. So my question is, why hasn't Hillary married me yet?

  3. Dear Sweetie,

    My foot looks infected. What do you think?

  4. Dear Not Enough Duff,

    Hillary HAS married you and she is wearing a special invsiblity cloak. Have fun.


  5. Dear Evil,
    You know what would be AWESOME:
    If I started to answer your letter and then George Hamilton showed up dressed as Evel Kinevel and he tried to jump over me, but the REAL Evel Kinevel jumped over him-IN MID AIR, and the Robby Kinevel tried to jump over both of them, but he just crashed.
    Man that would be SWEEEEET!

  6. Dear Freeze,
    Have you been putting your foot down a lot? Do people try to give you guff and you say "Hey! I'm putting my foot down!"
    Or, at work, do you keep trying to get your 'foot in the door'? Because if so, that may be why you have an infection. Put some Windex on it.