Yesterday I took a handful of old negatives to Wal-Mart to have them converted to CD. They told me they would be ready in an hour. So, I went off to the video section and stood there telling children that "there will never be another cartoon to match the magic that was Balto. I have seen Shrek, and Shrek is no Balto."
47 minutes to go.
Then, I was off to the customer service counter:
Cashier: Can I help you?
Me: I am furious! I am outraged! This is outrageous! This is furiaged!
Cashier: Calm down, dude. What seems to be the problem?
Me: I don't know, you tell me. Tell me what the problem is. The problem with YOUR company.
Cashier: Uh... what?
Me: Martha Stewart! I refuse to shop in a store that does business with Martha Stewart.
Cashier: Dude, that's K-Mart.
Me: Oh. Really?
Me: But, didn't you guys have some illegal alien problem?
Cashier: Uh, I think so.
Me: Well then, I am outraged about that.
Cashier: Uh huh. Look dude, I'm scheduled to go on a break.
Me: An illegal break?
Me: Well played, dude, well played.
36 minutes to go.
Then it was off to the Wal-Mart McDonalds where I read a free coloring book about Ronald McDonald and nature. Ronald, Birdee and Grimace interact in a series of games and puzzles with the animals of the forrest. Most of the puzzles consisted of a group of zebras, one without stripes. The caption would say "which one is different?" I wrote in the space provided that it was one of the ones WITH stripes. "After all" I explained "he shares a bungalow in Santa Clara with a couple of dentists. None of whom recommend Trident for patients that chew gum." Then I laughed and laughed. After that I sat on the bench next to the plastic statue of Ronald McDonald. Every now and then I would pretend he was whispering in my ear and then I would shout "That is a wonderful idea! We shall overthrow the Burger King!"
31 minutes to go.
Over at the front door stood the greeter. I stood in front of him and started greeting. I would wait until he started to open his mouth and then I would jump in.
"Hi, welcome to Wal-Mart"
"It's a beautiful day at Wal-Mart"
"Slacks are on sale here at Wal-Mart"
"I'm sorry, sir, your attire does not meet the Wal-Mart dress code. Allow me to alert the other customers so then can look away from you as you pass by, in shame."
Then the greeter punched me in the face. It really stung. She was a tough old bat.
23 minutes left.
Time for 'knock off food' shopping.
I started with the old favorite. DR. THUNDER. Wow, makes Dr. Pepper seem like a wuss.
Pepperfan: This is one great soda. It has the spicy taste of Pepper.
Thunderfan: Well, whop-dee-doo. My beverage has the noise that is created when air is heated by lighting.
Pepperfan: When did you get them fancy book learnins?
Thunderfan: A few years back, I lived in bungalow with a zebra and another dentist.
Pepperfan: Isn't soda bad for your teeth?
Thunderfan: Only if you take it out of the can before swallowing it.
Some of the other great ones were 'Kaptin Krispie' and 'Rice Crunchies' cereal. I am not sure which was supposed to be 'Rice Crispies' and which was 'Cap'n Crunch' but they both had an angry crab for a mascot.
16 minutes left.
Off to the book section where I read 2 pages of Bill Clinton's memoir before putting it down and reading Nickelodeon magazine. Here are my reviews:
Bill Clinton was really concerned about how altruistic the Cuban trade embargo would look if it was lifted. After all, he reasoned, the people of Cuba had more to gain, than the Castro administration. Still, would it be as if we were rewarding Castro for his brutality? Justin Timberlake is still the king of Hotville, but he better watch is back, because there is a new hotty named Drake Bell, ready to take his throne. Plus, Wild Thornberries is just a bad Dr. Doolitle rip-off.
4 minutes left.
I walk back up to the counter to get my CD. It was ready! With 4 minutes to spare. I got it home and stuck it into the computer, only to find photo after photo of some guy, his wife and kid. DOING NOTHING.
They sit, they stand, they alternate who holds the kid. YAWWWN. I was certainly disappointed that I got the wrong photo CD, and I must go back ASAP to get my negatives redone. But, the flip side is this: Forty years from now, some people will take the CD to Future Foto (the number one photo place in the future universe) to recreate the photo memories that were destroyed in the great fire of 2044.
Person One: This is really exciting! So this CD holds photos of Dad as a little boy?
Person Two: Yup! Grandmom and Grandpop were sitting with him, and then they stood with him. It should be SO EXCITING!
ONE HOUR LATER.
Person One: God that cashier had an attitude.
Person Two: I know! You were right, Balto is way better than Future Shrek.
Person One: Uh, huh. Well, show me the photos. This is great! My first look at Grandmom and Grandpop!
(flipping through photos)
Person Two: Wait a minute! These aren't Grandmom, Grandpop and Dad! These are photos of Guy Hutchinson shaking hands with Mr. T!
Person One: Wow, that is so much BETTER!
Well, I guess I have done my part at making the world a better place.