Monday, October 11, 2004

Dear bunchojunk: Don't knock the twist

Dear  bunchojunk ,
My husband has begun a strange habit of hitting me in his sleep. He doesn't do it on purpose, and he always feels horrible when I wake him up, what should I do?
-Punched out

Dear Punched,
Put a kangaroo in the bed between you two. Kangaroos hate to be punched, so the kangaroo will DEFINITLY hit back! Then, even his subconscious won't want to hit you
-bunchojunk
P.S. You may want to keep some rubbing alcohol and bandages handy.
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Dear  bunchojunk,
I am having trouble getting my son to clean up his room. He has always been messy, but lately it has gotten out of hand. What should I do?
-Dirty House

Dear Dirty,
Teenagers can be difficult, sometimes. Often, a messy room can be because of a change in schedule has left him without time to clean. Maybe you can help him get on track by sitting down with him and helping him organize his day.
-bunchojunk
P.S. Oh yeah, I forgot I was doing that whole wacky response thing. Let me add this: After he cleans his room make him a sardine and ketchup sandwich, and make a smiley face out of the ketchup. Wocka wocka!

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Dear  bunchojunk,
When do you think it is a good time to have children?
-Childless

Dear Childless,
During the day is a good time. That way, you get to miss work for the whole 'birth thing.' The weekends are okay, but that screws with the whole 'sitting around the house watching televised golf thing.'
So, I recommend you 'hold the child in' until it is convenient for the TV schedule (keep in mind many hospitals do not have cable!)
-bunchojunk
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Dear  bunchojunk ,
My husband keeps throwing things at the kids when they are roughhousing. He has never hit one, but it makes me worry. What should I do?
-Scared Mom

Dear Scared,
Roughhousing? Wow, I have not heard that word since I went to the public pool when I was a kid. "Stop roughhousing" the lifeguard would say. Oh, wait. Maybe he said "no horseplay."
Yeah, I think it was "no horseplay." That lifeguard was grumpy!
-bunchojunk

15 comments:

  1. Loved it! Especially the "wocka wocka"

    But, 'don't knock the twist?' what the heck is that all about.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Anonymous10/11/2004

    Good site, a little weird, but funny!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Don't Knock the Twist was a movie starring Chubby Checker.

    I wanted to be the number one result for the search engine query "Don't Knock the Twist or a kangaroo will beat on you"

    ReplyDelete
  4. Dear Sweetie,

    Our checking account is in my wife's name. She gives me a weekly allowance of $120,000. I also make $200,000 a year for not showing up to the U.S. Senate but since I am running for President, my campaigning dollar is really stretched. I would like to buy a new $8,000 Cannondale Mountain Bike to cure my post election depression (win or lose.) However, my wife insists that the $6,000 model she bought for me last year will suit me just fine. How do I talk her into buying me this bicycle?

    Regards,

    John

    ReplyDelete
  5. Dear John Kerry,
    I suggest that you put a kangaroo in the bed between you two. Maybe you could teach it to ride a bicycle, too.

    ReplyDelete
  6. What the Hell is this....You think you can answer peoples questions...what in the heck makes you Mister expert....That job was for only Ann and Abby...and they handled it perfectly...and they were major babes to boot. Back in my day people who had problems didnt need to go on Doctor Phil or ask Guy Sweetie stuff...we handled it on our own. Old School....Thats what I am talking bout!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Sweetie,

    Your response presumes my wife and I sleep together. We don't. How do you suggest I convince her to buy me the bike.

    Regards,

    John

    ReplyDelete
  8. Guy, Between you and John Kerry, I don't think I have ever laughed so hard!
    Mazeltoff!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Dear Sweetie:

    The other day, while rummaging through Hilary Duff's trash, I discovered the flowers and chocolates I sent her last week for her birthday were thrown in there. This really hurt my feelings. I want to tell her, but her restraining order already keeps us 20 feet apart at all times. How do you suggest I approach this matter?

    ReplyDelete
  10. Dear Sweetie:

    Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble

    Help!!

    The Hamburglar

    ReplyDelete
  11. Sweetie,

    Great advice to punched out. I can assure him that Kangaroos DEFINATELY hit back and HARD, too!! Last week on celebrity boxing, I battled both Kanga and Roo. Evel little Roo packs big whallop!!

    -Kangaroo Boxer

    ReplyDelete
  12. Dear Sweetie:

    Help!! I tore off my thumb using one of those peel open pudding containers!! Help!!!!! And also, I'm a complete idiot.

    ReplyDelete
  13. You know what would be AWESOME, if as a campaign fund raiser, John Kerry boxed a Kangaroo and Evel Knievel jumped over the arena. Oh man that would be SSSSSWWWWWEEEEEEETTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Dear Sweetie:

    My wife's favorite movie is Joe Somebody. She watches it 24 hours a day. She no longer cooks, cleans or her "wifely duties" (if you know what I mean, heh heh heh)She just sits on the couch and watches Joe Someboday all the live long day (if you know what I mean, heh heh heh). Yesterday, it was on TBS and she taped our video of the birth of our first son DESPITE the fact that she already owns it on DVD AND VHS. I left her last night and slammed the door (if you know what I mean, heh, heh, heh) and said, "I hope you and Joe Somebody will be very happy together!!" She responded, "We will". I've already taken her to JSA (Joe Somebody Anonymous)and they can't help (if you know what I mean, heh, heh, heh). Can you?

    ReplyDelete
  15. Dear not enough duff ,
    Roble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble

    Dear Hamburgler,
    They make a cream for that. You will need a prescription, I suggest you go to the Doctor ASAP.

    Dear A Complete Idiot,
    Follow Hamburgler.

    Dear mrfreeze and John Kerry,
    I have not idea how to help either of you. Maybe you could share a bed. You could paint a line down the middle like they did on the Odd Couple. That would be funny!

    ReplyDelete