Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Baseball Rule Changes

Baseball is a game of skill, luck, throwing things at people and the Phanatic. What's not to love?

Like all sports, baseball CAN get dull. Especially towards the end of the season, if your team has no chance at a playoff berth. It's at this point that you begin to watch a bunch of guys playing a game. It just doesn't feel as interesting.

Until now.

I have come up with a plethora of rule changes that, if implemented, would make 'lame duck' games the best games of the year.

RULE 1: Involve the fans
We have all seen the following scenario: a hitter fouls pitch after pitch into the stands. To TRY and make this seem like fun the stadium plays cartoon sound effects as the ball lands. The TV broadcasters zoom in on a kid who caught a foul ball and said "That youngster has a souvenir from the game."

BORING!

What we should do is remember that if a foul ball is caught the hitter is OUT. Sure it usually only counts ON the field, but lets extend it to OFF the field too.

But all fans who wish to be eligible must wear the cap of the team they are supporting. And a cup. It's only right.


RULE 2: Emphasize the number 2 hitter

Poor number 2 hitter. Not accurate enough to bat first, not powerful enough for fourth. Still, I have an idea to make him the most popular hitter in the lineup.

He can do everything backwards.

Yup, he can wear his uniform backwards and run the bases backwards. Not just backwards, but in backwards ORDER!

He can run from third to second to first. The best thing about this is if you sit near someone who doesn't follow sports you can tell them "Don't laugh at that guy, he's retarded. They just let him run the bases because they feel sorry for him."


RULE 3: No more drunk fans
There is nothing worse than going to a baseball game and having to sit next to a drunken moron. Oh wait, I guess there are some things worse like getting killed by a line drive to the back of the head. Well, never mind then.


RULE 4: Mascots
People love the crazy antics of the team mascot so why not let the mascot be the "designated hitter" in all American League games. In the National League games the mascot must pitch as well.

As for teams that don't have a mascot, they can use one of their drunken fans... or the guy that was killed by a line drive. He can be the "Dead Dude of the Diamond."

All the kids would love him, except for his own kids. They would just be sad.


RULE 5: Cheerleaders
Duh.

With any luck these suggestions will be implemented before the end of the season.

17 comments:

  1. Well, thats my list. Anyone have any to add? Anyone?

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  2. Hot Dog Vendor7/12/2005

    I belive that they should cut back on the time between pitches. Also, thorough drug testing would be a plus.

    Hot dogs, get ya hot dogs here!

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  3. All fast players must run with thier pants around thier ankles during the odd numbered innings. They also must wear novelty boxer shorts with hearts on them

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  4. Astro's Slugger Morgan Ensberg7/12/2005

    I wish they would move the fences in so I can "WHOOOOO hit em outta the park"

    Whoo! I hit that one outta the park!

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  5. Jim Shorts7/12/2005

    Foul! Foul! I am glad there are new rules so that people can break them and I can yell "Foul!"

    Also, stop the players from being upset about the war.

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  6. Gene Hackman is so cool, baseballs step up to the plate, spit tobacco juice, adjust their cup, take a mighty swing and hit him out of the park!!

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  7. I think an important rule change would be to allow women to play. This way, Hilary Duff can could play SS for her beloved hometown Houston Astros. Haylie Duff could even play 2nd base. It would be great to see Hilary dominate something else after ruling the recording, television, motion picture, fashion and cab-dispatching industries.

    Perhpas Houston could change their name to the Houston Duffs and play in the Duff dome.

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  8. Are you kidding me, Notenough?

    It's bad enough that Hilary and Haylie dominate music, fasion, television, motion pictures, commercials AND cab-disptaching. That's waaaay to much Duff already. America is already on Duff overload, forcing the federal government to raise its Duff alert. And you want to include them in sports? I'm sorry, that's just too much Duff.

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  9. Not enough and too much, Once again you've let your emotions get the best of you. Right now we've got the perfect combination of Duff. Hilary and Haylie are dominating television, movies, fashion, commercials, music and cab-dispatching. But other industries such as steel, railroad, and shoe-lace tying are not Duff dominated. If we opened sports up to the Duffs, that could seriously tip the Duff balance right now. You two should be thankful that we are in such a perfect place right with with a good amount of Duff-dominated industries and several non-Duff dominated industries.

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  10. I think if they let women play, Hilary Swank would be amazing. She already has a build similar to Mike Piazza, and could easily be a starting catcher on any number of teams.

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  11. Not enough,

    Are you crazy? She's already got 2 Academy Awards? Don't you think that's enough Swank for right now. If she won an American League batting title, she would be increasingly overexposed and set off America's Swank levels to a very dangerous amount. She needs to take some time off because right now, there is just too much swank in America.

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  12. I think right now the best thing to do is let baseball players dominate baseball and Hilary Swank dominate movies and chewing tobacco. That way there is a proper Swank balance in America. It's not enough swank, but not too much Swank. America gets the right amount of Swank.

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  13. You know what would be AWESOME if Hilary Duff and Hilary Swank were playing catch before an Astros game and Mike Piazza walked over to them and started talking and offered them a chance to sit on the back of Evel Knievel's motorcycle for the Astros' game preshow. Then When the pre-show started, Evel Knievel jumped over the Stadium with both Hilary Duff and Hilary Swank on his backset. Oh Man that would be the right amount of Swank and Duff and it would be SSSSSSSSWWWWWEEETTT!!

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  14. Sweetie,

    We tried the mascot rule in Kangaroo Boxing. Sadly, it didn't work. What happened was that most Kangaroo fighters had mascots, which was basically a guy in a Kangaroo suit. Eventually, what happened was I didn't know it was a guy and in a Kangaroo suit and mistook the mascot for a trained boxing Kangaroo. I nearly beat a guy to death. I would have, too, if Burt Reynolds hadn't stopped me.

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  15. Man, I love baseball. It's has enjoyable as a walk through the park with Kelly Clarkson.

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  16. I've got two ways they could improve baseball. The first would be to use a large plastic bat, preferably yellow, and a hollow plastic ball with holes in it. Or they could use a larger rubbery ball that the players would kick with their feet instead of using a bat.

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  17. Dude, how long have you had the coloring book, I love it!

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