Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Tom Hanks and Dan Aykroyd Rap

Brace yourself; this may be the worst song EVER.

Ugh. Back in the late 1980s there was a wave of nostalgia for 1950s television shows. Shows like "The Donna Reed Show" and "Mister Ed" were played often on Nick at Night and other venues.

Someone decided to take this one step further.

They decided to make "Dragnet" a movie. On the surface it sounded like a good idea. Then someone decided it should be a comedy.

I don't want to be too hard on this movie. It is actually pretty funny, but it was a disappointment to anyone who wanted to see something that resembled the TV show.

In the film Joe Friday, played BRILLIANTLY by Dan Akyroyd, is teamed with a young cop named Pep Streebeck, played by Tom Hanks (I refuse to write "BRILLIANTLY" more than once a day.)
The two cops deal with the standard 'odd couple' format and a few cop movie clich├ęs as they investigate a series of strange crimes.

A group named PAEGAN (People against Goodness and Normalcy) has been doing things like stealing giant snakes, showing up to court in their pajamas and putting wine in Diet Pepsi cans.

It is up to Friday and Streebeck to stop them.

The plot is bizarre but the jokes are fast and funny. Despite taking a completely different approach to the characters, the film does tip its hat to the original actors. Actor Harry Morgan has a cameo and the late Jack Webb is shown in a photo in one scene. The other guys who played Friday's partners on TV and radio do not get a tip of the film's hat. The film did try to shake a bit of dandruff on them, but that never worked out.

It should be noted that this film isn't the most recent version of Dragnet. There was a Dragnet series in 2003 and another one on TV back in the early 1990s. There have been so many versions of Dragnet over the past 50 years that I am not going to bother to count them.

However, THIS version has one thing going for it that no other version does: a stupid rap song.

CITY OF CRIME

Friday:
This is the city; it’s a city of crime. My name is Friday, I carry a badge.
3:15am Thursday January 15th. It was chilly that morning in the City of Angels.
On this particular occasion we happened to witness a pagan ritual in progress.

This open is spoken deadpan just like the opening of the show. Then it goes horribly wrong.

Dan Akyroyd starts rapping.
Friday:
See that Streebeck, we’re just in time – we have stumbled into a major crime

Streebeck:
They got the girl all fright! Now that’s not nice, I think she is the subject of a sacrifice!

Friday:
Buddy, we’re putting this party on ice

Streebeck:
But first we ought to read 'em their rights

Hanks is no KRS One here, either. He just shouts his lines with a voice inflection that makes Fran Dresher sound adorable.
Plus "they got the girl all fright"???? That has to be the worst thing I have read since that bad dandruff joke.
Friday:
Read ‘em their rights, read ‘em their rights

Streebeck:
Well I’m here tonight to rap about your rights, 'cause right now you’re in trouble!
Don’t have to say nothin’ at all, you all got two calls and you’d better make ‘em on the double!

Chorus:
This is a city of crime
Don’t step out of line!
This is a city of crime
You’d better just pray your judge is kind!

The chorus seems REALLY out of place and the "step out of line" and "pray your judge is kind" lines are downright unintelligible.

Friday:
You’re a dangerous mob and it is our job to bust you all for being violent
While you are here let’s make it clear

Streebeck:
You have the right to remain silent!

Criminal:
Well excuse me copper, Mr. Crimestopper, what is wrong with what we’re doing?
We just like to dance in our goatskin pants around this ancient ruin

Streebeck:
Now not so funny, that it costs big money to hire a lawyer

Friday:
It’s my duty to inform you and my pleasure to warn you

Streebeck:
We’ll provide one for ya!

Friday & Streebeck:
Huh!

I hope you’re laughing at that punch line. That's the best you are gonna get in this song.
Chorus:
This is a city of crime
Don’t step out of line!
This is a city of crime
You’d better just pray your judge is kind!


Friday:
Now you know what you’ve been doing is a serious crime

Streebeck:
And you'll probably be doin’ some serious time

Friday:
In case you might be worried about the friends you will lose

Streebeck:
At least they get to see you on the evening news!

Friday:
It’s a new sensation

Streebeck:
We’re go down to the station

Friday:
You’re going to answer some questions

Streebeck:
And have some refreshments!

I think the "refreshments" line is supposed to be REALLY funny. It doesn't fit the rhyme scheme and Hanks says it with the glee of a four year old telling his first 'Knock knock' joke.
Friday:
What is your full name? What were you doing on January 15th of this year?
All we want is the truth, mister. What were you doing in the location in question?
What is the purpose of your pagan organization?

Criminal:
Whoa! You can't pin nothing on me copper!
Well excuse me! Excuse me, don’t use or abuse or refuse me
It’s no joke, I’m broke and my rights I can and will invoke!
I’m homely, and I’m lonely but the state cannot disown me!
It’s aint funny, I might want money to take home to my honey

I LOVE THIS CRIMINAL GUY! I don't know why Eminem starred in "8 Mile" and NOT this guy! He would have been AWESOME!

Chorus:
This is a city of crime
Don’t step out of line!
This is a city of crime
You’d better just pray your judge is kind!

Friday:
In case you don't agree with my methodology, I like to do things my way.

Streebeck:
Don't get memory loss about who's the boss.

Tony Danza. I wish I COULD forget.
Friday:
Don't forget my name is-

Streebeck:
Friday!

Friday:
I'm the man of the hour.

Streebeck:
The tower of power.

Friday:
The arm of the law.

Streebeck:
The very last straw.

Friday:
I'm on the side of the right.

Streebeck:
A Trojan white knight

For some reason we get into some SEROIUS butt kissing from Streebeck at this point. Plus Friday's ego has gotten WAAAAAAYYY outta control.
Friday:
If you get me uptight I am

Streebeck:
a frightful sight.

Friday:
I'm as strong as the army

Streebeck:
you know you can't harm me

Friday:
coming down like a hammer

Friday & Streebeck:
get ready for slammer.


You can listen to this (if you DARE) by clicking HERE. You can also watch the trailer by clicking here.

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  2. And actually, hanks says (sings? No, no, I don't think so...) "They got the girl all FRIGHTENED". Somehow, the end of the word gets swallowed, at least in part by the music

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