Thursday, March 10, 2005

The Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch Commercial


This is probably the weirdest commercial I have ever seen.




Darius Rucker of Hootie and the Blowfish singing about chicken on what looks like the set of a Sid and Marty Krofft puppet show. It is flat out bizarre.

To begin with the song is a parody of "Big Rock Candy Mountain". THAT song came to the public eye (or ear) when it was featured in the film 'Oh Brother Where Art Thou'. It was written about 80 years ago.

Here are the lyrics:
Big Rock Candy Mountain

One evening as the sun went down and the jungle fire was burning
Down the track came a hobo hiking and he said boys I'm not turning
I'm headin for a land that's far away beside the crystal fountains
So come with me we'll go and see the Big Rock Candy Mountains

In the Big Rock Candy Mountains there's a land that's fair and bright
Where the handouts grow on bushes and you sleep out every night
Where the boxcars are all empty and the sun shines every day
On the birds and the bees and the cigarette trees
Where the lemonade springs where the bluebird sings
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains

In the Big Rock Candy Mountains all the cops have wooden legs
And the bulldogs all have rubber teeth and the hens lay soft boiled eggs
The farmer's trees are full of fruit and the barns are full of hay
Oh, I'm bound to go where there ain't no snow
Where the rain don't fall and the wind don't blow
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains

In the Big Rock Candy Mountains you never change your socks
And the little streams of alcohol come a-trickling down the rocks
The brakemen have to tip their hats and the railroad bulls are blind
There's a lake of stew and of whiskey too
You can paddle all around 'em in a big canoe
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains

In the Big Rock Candy Mountains the jails are made of tin
And you can walk right out again as soon as you are in
There ain't no short handled shovels, no axes saws or picks
I'm a goin to stay where you sleep all day
Where they hung the jerk that invented work
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains

I'll see you all this coming fall in the Big Rock Candy Mountains

I LOVE THAT SONG. I am not sure why they say they will see us "this coming fall" like it's the latest Woody Allen film, but just about every other word of the song is BRILLIANT.
I wonder what the body temperature of a hen would have to be so that she could "lay soft boiled eggs" and what kind of arm strength would you have to have to "paddle a canoe" in a "lake of stew". It is more than great music, it is thought provoking. It also USED to be a great camp sing-along for kids before people decided that songs about hobo paradises and trees that bear cigarettes were a BAD thing.

The Burger King spot has altered the lyrics to read:
When my belly starts a-rumblin', and I'm jonesin' for a treat.
I close my eyes for a big surprise, the Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch.
I love the Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch, the breasts they grow on trees.
And streams of bacon ranch dressing flow right up to your knees.
There’s tumbleweeds of bacon, and cheddar paves the streets.
Folks don't front ya cause ya got the juice, there's a train of ladies comin' with a nice caboose.
Never get in trouble, never need an excuse, the Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch.
I love the Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch no one tells ya to behave.
Your wildest fantasies come true, Dallas cheerleaders give you shaves.
Red onions make you laugh instead, and french fries grow like weeds.
Ya get to veg all day, all the lotto tickets pay.
There's a King who wants you to have it your way, that's the Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch.

Interesting. In print they sound even weirder. "The breasts they grow on trees" really should warrant some sort of FCC fine.

To top off the cleaver lyrics are even more clever visuals. The commercial is full of interesting characters and a couple of celebrities. For starters there is Hootie.

Now, I know his name isn't Hootie. As a matter of fact, there is no Hootie. Darius Rucker is the lead singer of a band called Hootie and the Blowfish, but no one in the band is Hootie (or a blowfish for that matter.)
Still, he shouldn't complain when we call him Hootie. After all, it is the easy assumption one would make when looking at the band's name. Plus, it is a much better nickname than Darius. Darius sounds like that rash that you get if you don't bathe enough.

Hootie is all decked out in a purple cowboy suit at the beginning of the 60 second version of the spot. But we don't recognize it as purple since the opening is black and white.

When my belly starts a-rumblin', and I'm jonesin' for a treat.

Than he closes his eyes and opens them and the commercial goes to full color. The tempo of the song also picks up a bit.
I close my eyes for a big surprise, the Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch.
I love the Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch, the breasts they grow on trees.

Now, this super hot model is shown picking sandwiches off the tree. The set is very stylized and evocative of Technicolor children’s films like 'The Wizard of Oz'.
And streams of bacon ranch dressing, flow right up to your knees.

A set of milkmaid twins dance with buckets of ranch dressing.
There’s tumbleweeds of bacon, and cheddar paves the streets.

We see the 5th or 6th beautiful woman in about 10 seconds. She appears to be of Asian descent and is putting bricks of cheese into the street. We also see giant strips of bacon.
Folks don't front ya cause ya got the juice, there's a train of ladies comin' with a nice caboose.

A cowboy tips his hat at us and then we see TWO more pretty girls riding on one of those little hand operated train cars. One of them has the word "Vida" written across her butt.

"Vida" is the Spanish word for "Life". I assume that Burger King is telling us that the meaning of life is the sexy woman's sweet behind. I can't disagree.
Never get in trouble, never need an excuse, the Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch.
I love the Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch no one tells ya to behave.

This is one of my favorite parts of the commercial happens here, but you have to look REAL close to spot it. The Subservient Chicken shows up.

If you aren't familiar with him, let me just say that he's a man in a chicken suit. More on him later.
Anyway, the Subservient Chicken is dancing in the corner of the screen and if you look REAL close you can see the cowboy is lassoing him.
Your wildest fantasies come true,

At this point we get a close up shot of the Subservient Chicken. He does a little dance. If the meaning of life is THAT girl's butt, why is the Chicken my wildest fantasy?
The Subservient Chicken debuted a while back in a few Burger King commercials. He also has his own website. On his site you can ask him to do anything. ANYTHING!!!! He will do what ever you tell him. That's why they call him the Subservient Chicken. You get to "have it your way" and it's funny! Go ahead, CLICK HERE and try to stump him.

The promotion actually evolved into a pay per view fight between him and his evil twin Spicy. Unfortunately I never saw it.
Dallas cheerleaders give you shaves.

They show the famous Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders shaving a cowboy. Funny, when I think of me in paradise I imagine myself as an unshaven mess.

To each his own, I guess.
Red onions make you laugh instead, and french fries grow like weeds.

ANOTHER pretty girl shows up and hula hoops with a giant onion ring. See what I mean about how weird this is? I wonder what is in the water at Burger King headquarters. The next shot shows a couple of cowboys eating the sandwich as french fries sprout up out of the ground behind them.
Ya get to veg all day, all the lotto tickets pay.

The lotto winner is celebrating with the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders, the Subservient Chicken and a giant framed painting. That is EXACTLY what I would do if I won a million dollars.
There's a King who wants you to have it your way, that's the Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch.

The commercial ends with a BANG. We see the Burger King! The one with the big plastic head.
He was in a commercial that (before this) was the strangest commercial ever aired on television.





In that commercial a man woke up in bed with the Burger King. The King then offers him a breakfast sandwich and they spend a few awkward moments under the blankets together.

The King must have been troubled by the gay innuendo in THAT spot so he shows up in this one with SUPER HOTTIE E!'s Brooke Burke. The King does a little dance and then pushes her in a swing.

In the alternate 30 second spot she bellows "come and get it."

Yes, this is the most insane commercial I have ever seen.


My guess is that the creators just jammed everything they could into this hoping SOMETHING will appeal to EVERYONE. There's good music, pretty girls, cowboys, paintings, money and chickens. Everyone is BOUND to be a fan of at least one of those things.


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