If It Ain't One Thing It's Anuddah (Bruddah)

I always liked the Fat Boys.

By Fat Boys I mean the rap group, not that I have a thing for overweight guys.

There was so much to like about the Fat Boys. They were funny, they were fat and they rapped. That’s like a horse who won the Triple Crown in my book. Of course if you could find a fat, rapping horse that could win the Kentucky Derby that would be even better.

Well, as I searched through their music catalogue one song stood out. It isn't one of their biggest hits, nor is it a very memorable song for any reason other than that the title is so stupid.

If It Ain't One Thing It's Anuddah (Bruddah)

I always find it strange when they put part of the title in parenthesis. Why? Who decided to do that? For example Carol King's "(You Make Me Feel Like A) Natural Woman" or The Beastie Boys "(You Gotta) Fight For Your Right (To Party)."

Did the band give it the shorter name and then the record company changed it to make it clear what song it was? If so, why did the Fat Boys put "Bruddah" in parenthesis. It's not like there is another song out there called "If It Ain't One Thing It's Anuddah"!

MAN WHO LIKES MUSIC: Have you heard "If It Ain't One Thing It's Anuddah"?
MAN WHO LIKES OTHER MEN: The one by Bon Jovi or by Barbra Streisand?
MAN WHO LIKES MUSIC: No, by the Fat Boys.
MAN WHO LIKES OTHER MEN: Oh, you mean "If It Ain't One Thing It's Anuddah (Bruddah)"!
MAN WHO LIKES MUSIC: Yeah, that’s the one.
MAN WHO LIKES OTHER MEN: I haven't heard it yet. Let's put it on and then make out with each other.
MAN WHO LIKES MUSIC: Uh, let's just listen to it.
MAN WHO LIKES OTHER MEN: Can we make out later.
MAN WHO LIKES MUSIC: I guess so.

Well, here it is. The Fat Boys "If It Ain't One Thing its Anuddah (Bruddah)"?

Intro: Prince Markie Dee
Man, all these problems in our world today
I just don't know what to do, man

Oh wow! This is going to be deep. I wonder which of the world's problems we will discuss. Maybe terrorism, or hunger, or perhaps pollution. It should be great.

Verse One: Prince Markie Dee
If it ain't one thing, it's another
Sell a million copies? They put me on a magazine cover
I sell one or two, they claim that I'm played out
My girl nags me at home, so, I shoulda stayed out
I buy a new car, it runs out of gas

Or maybe they will just be babbling about stupid problems that they have that have nothing to do with the world.
That's cool. I hate when you buy a car and they neglect to tell you that it will run out of gas! It's like, I want a car that works, not one that has some kind of problem that causes it to need gas all the time!

In school, I was always gettin' kicked out of class
Mom would say, 'Be like your older brother!'
If it ain't one thing it's another

Ahh, now we are getting somewhere. The jealousy between Prince Markie Dee and his brother (his majesty Prince Douglas Dee.) It is a shame that Markie will have to stand in Prince Douglas' shadow when he assumes the throne. A royal shame indeed.

Talk: Prince Markie Dee
You know what I'm sayin' man?
I mean, all these problems

Yeah, life is hard for Prince Markie Dee. His girl yells at him, his new car ran out of gas and he is on a magazine cover. It couldn't be harder.
Well I guess some people have no girl, were paralyzed in a car accident and have nasty paper cuts from reading magazines too fast. Still, Markie has problems and it's good that he is talking them through.

Let me tell ya `bout the time when I - Well, let me break it
down for a
Verse Two: Prince Markie Dee
Picked up my date at eight in a happy mood

HOLD ON A SECOND! He picks up his date? I thought his girl yells at him "at home"! Is Markie CHEATING? Perhaps he is to blame for his own problems.

Drove to City Island for some seafood
$3.99 for all you can eat
Shrimp galore, bon appetit
We ate hearty `till we couldn't eat
Went to the Marriott, paid for a suite
She was anxious even more that me
And, man, I got busy as a bumblebee
When we were done, I drove her home

"We ate hearty `till we couldn't eat" WHAT POETRY! No wonder he does so well with the ladies!

Proceeded to my house, all alone
It started rainin', I was playin' Bobby Brown
I missed my exit, so, I circled around

Aw jeez, RAIN! That is awful! Plus he missed his exit. Also he had to listen to Bobby Brown. That sucks.

And that's when it happened, I didn't get far
A pole jumped in front of my car
I broke my leg, man, do I stutter?
If it ain't one thing, it's anuddah, bruddah

OK, I was making light of his problems until now, but this is serious. He crashed into a Polish person and his leg broke. Also, he may have developed a stutter. He is not sure, I think, because he may have a minor concussion. That's pretty sad.

Verse Three: Kool Rock Ski
On tour for so long that it wears me down
I've been to every city and every small town
And, after a while, things start to ache
I want my body to move, that damn thing won't shake

I LOVE KOOL ROCK SKI. He's the second fattest of the group! I am not sure what "damn thing" he has that won't shake, but I hope I never find out.

Then, one night, the last date on tour
From that morning my throat was sore
I started gettin' worried, it wouldn’t be long
`Cause the way my throat was hurtin', it would soon be gone
Then, wouldn't you know? You know it, yes
I tried to say somthin' but I was voiceless
Showtime came, I had to lip-synch

That's OK, you won't draw the ire of the public unless you are a 'young female'. We in the music buying public hate young females and we wait for them to fall. Fat guys can lip synch all they want. Look at Luciano Pavarotti. I hear he hasn't sung a note live in over 20 years. It's all off a CD he recorded in one of the "Superstar Sound" recording booths in a theme park in Rome.

It got so wild that I couldn't think
The show was done, a doctor checked my health
I spent the night all by myself
Man, what a bummer, what did I stutter?
If it ain't one thing, it's anuddah, bruddah

Oh wow. He lost his voice and might have developed a stutter, too! How will the Fat Boys ever survive???
The world never knew because "If It Ain't One Thing It's Anuddah (Bruddah) (Part Two)" was never released.

Until now! I have found the master sheet of unrecorded lyrics. I hope you like them.

Fat Boys - If It Ain't One Thing It's Anuddah (Bruddah) (Part Two)

Intro: Prince Markie Dee
Man, there is still problems in our world today
I just don't know what to do, man
Verse One: Prince Markie Dee
If it ain't one thing, it's another
Get your car washed it gets dirty again
Go to sleep and you have to wake up.
Clean your clothes and then you have to dry them
Wear some shoes and your socks get jealous.
Buy your socks a diamond ring and then they leave you for some other feet
If it ain't one thing it's another
Talk: Prince Markie Dee
You know what I'm sayin' man?
I mean, my socks is some ungrateful hussies!
Let me tell ya `bout the time when I - Well, let me break it
down for ya
Verse Two: Prince Markie Dee
Picked up my date at eight in a happy mood
Went to McDonalds for some seafood
Filet of Fish tasted really great
Eat it in the car because I could wait
We ate hearty `till we couldn't eat
Then I drove her home
I drove her home, man, do I stutter?
If it ain't one thing, it's anuddah, bruddah
Verse Three: Kool Rock Ski
We don't tour anymore so I mostly just sit around the house
Man, what a bummer, what did I stutter?
If it ain't one thing, it's anuddah, bruddah