Monday, January 24, 2005

The Worst of bunchojunk.com


I know what you are thinking: "Sweetie is doing a 'best of' list but as a joke, he is calling it a 'worst of' list."

Well, that is wrong.

This is indeed THE WORST OF BUNCHOJUNK.COM

MAD magazine (who I admittedly ripped my entire style off of) does "The Worst of Mad" and it is really just a random bunch of reprinted articles. They just use the word 'worst' to be cutting edge and clever.

I am just using it because these articles are the worst ones on this site. And THAT is saying something. It’s not like this site is full of National Book Critics Circle Award winning writing or anything. This site is fully of poorly written mumbo jumbo lacking appropriate punctuation, grammar and often INTERESTING SUBJECT MATTER.

This isn’t to say that the articles below weren’t worth WRITING, they just weren’t worth sharing with the world.

Looking back at them I can see why they weren’t any good. At the time, however, I was pretty pleased with them. I can remember printing them out and showing them to loved ones only to have them read the first paragraph, then scan through to the bottom and hand the paper back and say “interesting.”



People named Stewart
It’s hard to put a positive a spin on this one. This was an idea I had that just didn’t work. It is a list of celebrities with the last name Stewart. I was hoping to find a bunch of information I could parlay into a funny feature length article. Unfortunately, despite the fact that many celebrities are named Stewart, they are just about the most BORING celebrities in Hollywood!
I did a similar list later of People Named Gene.
That one was pretty funny, the one on Stewart was AWFUL. Unfortunately, since I had done about 2 minutes of research on that I decided to cobble together something.
The result was list of “Obscure Trivia about celebrities named Stewart.” This was like the boring facts that Pepsi puts on the screen before the movie.
Highlight: Jimmy Stewart played the accordion (shocking revelation!)
Lowlight: Patrick Stewart has a cat (the man was Captain of the Enterprise and THAT was the best I could do?????!!!???)



Movie Box Office
This was back from the days of “Behind the Junk” it is one of the only articles from those days that survived. I am not even sure why.
This was originally written just to show to a friend of mine, but I was so desperate for content that I posted it.
I listed the top ten films and then wrote wacky headlines for both negative and positive reviews. I was doing it to make fun of how lame movie reviewers are. There are some funny jabs, but mostly it is about as stupid as a rerun of ‘Frasier’ (season 4 and above.)
One more thing, longtime readers may remember that “Behind the Junk” featured a quote at the end of each article. Since this was posted there, it has a quote too.
However, since that site is as distant a memory as the Jets Superbowl prospects, it now seems even MORE out of place.
Highlight: In the comments section a poster named “HatMatt71” did his own reviews for each film. His write up on ‘Stepford Wives’ was simply “What?”
That is the most perfect review I have ever read.
Lowlight: The negative review headline for ‘Garfield: The Movie’ was "More like CIGAR-Field, because it stinks like an old cigar."



My Fair Muppet
This was my review of one of my all time favorite films ‘The Muppet Movie.’ I guess the problem was that I rushed through it.
It starts off well, but is abruptly wrapped up at the end. I may have to do this one over one day. Kermit deserves better.
Highlight: I point out that the Arby’s mitt is a cheap rip-off of the Hamburger Helper.
Lowlight: Name dropping Mike Dika. I never thought I would sink so low.



A shocking Presidential scandal
I always thought this story about Amy Carter reading at the table was interesting. Too bad I was the only one who though so.
Highlight: When listing the TV networks I called them “CBS, NBC and KFC.”
Lowlight: When listing the TV networks I called them “CBS, NBC and KFC.”



Pop-up goes the weasel
This article jumps from one subject to another, like a frog trapped in a room full of pieces of paper with the word “subject” on them.
In a rather short piece, I talk about pop-up ads, Superbowl commercials and perverts. Each subject was pretty good, on its own, but put together it reads like the writings of a drunken psychopath.
Highlight: I quote someone saying "I hate you and your website sucks."
Lowlight: “Comments: 0” NO ONE HAD ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT THIS ONE!!! Never! It has been up there for MONTHS!!
Sad, truly sad.



Dynamite
This was a little piece on Dynamite magazine. I tied that in with the movie ‘Napoleon Dynamite’ because his name was Dynamite. Isn’t that clever?!?
Highlight: An mock interview with J.J. from ‘Good Times.’
Lowlight: A bunch of comments about Hilary Duff were actually funnier and longer than the actual article.



Anyway, those were the worst I could find. I enjoyed rereading them. It made me feel better about the NEWER articles. As Butthead once said (on ‘Beavis and Butthead’) "Sometimes you have to see stuff that sucks so you will know what stuff is cool."

Any junk I missed?

20 comments:

  1. Anonymous1/24/2005

    Well, since you asked, I hated the article on "Herb" from McDonalds. 

    Posted by Jenni21

    ReplyDelete
  2. Anonymous1/24/2005

    What? I was the lowlight for the article about Dynamite magaizne? How dare you, Sweetie!!

    Well did you ever think that was due to the lack of Duff in those articles? As a matter of fact, what do all those articles have in common? THERE IS NOT ENOUGH DUFF IN ANY OF THEM!! IN SEVERAL OF THEM THERE IS NO DUFF AT ALL!!! PERHAPS IF YOU LOADED THESE ARTICLES WITH SO MUCH DUFF THEY ARE PRACTICALLY POPPING OUT OF THE INTERNET, THESE ARTICLES WOULD ROCK. BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! YOU GET WHAT YOU DESERVE AS FAR AS I AM CONCERNED!! NO DUFF = POOR ARTICLES = NO READERS = REDUCED TO COMPLAINING ABOUT YOUR FUTURE SISTER-IN-LAW FOR ARTICLES!!

    BLAME ME, BLAME THE BLOG, BLAME YOURSELF!! BUT DON'T PUT THIS DUFF!!

    Aw, forget about it, Sweetie, it's Dufftown 

    Posted by Not Enough Duff

    ReplyDelete
  3. Anonymous1/24/2005

    In all honesty, I never got "Katie:The Pink Ranger"
    I always felt like I missed something there. 

    Posted by Mr. Freeze

    ReplyDelete
  4. Anonymous1/24/2005

    Sweetie:

    Don't listen to the nonsensical rantings of Not Enough. I enjoyed each and everyone of these articles due to the lack of Duff in each one. The only articles I hated were the one about Hilary Duff and the governor of New Jersey and the Dynamite articles. They just had too much damn Duff!! It was a case of severe Duff overload on those days. Thank goodness I had an insulin shot ready and available to shock me out of what could have been a Duff overdose resulting in a Duff-induced coma.

    But I LOVE the lack of Duff in most of your articles. 

    Posted by Too Much Duff

    ReplyDelete
  5. Anonymous1/24/2005

    Sweetie:

    I think Not enough and too much are crazy. I enjoy your site because you discuss Hilary Duff in a way that can only be described as "Fair & Balanced". You don't brow beat us with Hilary Duff information, but you do keep us informed with what she is up to. This has enabled me to enjoy many of your articles equally. For example, I enjoyed the "Roosevelt Franklin" article and the article about Hilary Duff and the govenor of New Jersey equally. Why? Because the provided me with a proper and necessary balance of Duff. It wasn't too much, but more than enough.

    You are doing a great service here on BOJ, Sweetie. You've provided us all with plenty of Duff, but not so much we can't handle it. That's a rare feat Sweetie and I, for one, thank you for it.

     

    Posted by Right Amount of Duff

    ReplyDelete
  6. Anonymous1/24/2005

    Martha Stewart was a model? 

    Posted by Nettie

    ReplyDelete
  7. Anonymous1/25/2005

    Gene Hackman is so cool articles hate him!! 

    Posted by Gene O'Hack

    ReplyDelete
  8. Anonymous1/25/2005

    This is my least favorite article. 

    Posted by Hall of Fame

    ReplyDelete
  9. Anonymous1/25/2005

    "Arrrrgggghhhh." 

    Posted by Riddick (not cravipat)

    ReplyDelete
  10. Anonymous1/25/2005

    Oh please, you have had much WORSE articles than these! 

    Posted by Sweetie Fan

    ReplyDelete
  11. Anonymous1/25/2005

    Hey Freeze,
    I will be happy to explain Pink Ranger. It's the story of a girl who you assume is a superhero. The swerve at the end is that she is NOT. She just wears pink and works as a park ranger.
    It's like that movie The Sixth Sense. 

    Posted by Sweetie Guy Hutchinson

    ReplyDelete
  12. Anonymous1/25/2005

    Oh, ok. It makes a lot of sense now. Thanks for clearing it up. What threw me off is that I consider ALL United States Park Rangers TO BE Superheroes. I believed you did, too. That was my mistake.

    Underestimating our brave men and women in the National Park Service in your mistake. 

    Posted by Mr. Freeze

    ReplyDelete
  13. Anonymous1/25/2005

    Oh, ok. It makes a lot of sense now. Thanks for clearing it up. What threw me off is that I consider ALL United States Park Rangers TO BE Superheroes. I believed you did, too. That was my mistake.

    Underestimating our brave men and women in the National Park Service is your mistake. 

    Posted by Mr. Freeze

    ReplyDelete
  14. Anonymous1/25/2005

    Oh, ok. It makes a lot of sense now. Thanks for clearing it up. What threw me off is that I consider ALL United States Park Rangers TO BE Superheroes. I believed you did, too. That was my mistake.

    Underestimating our brave men and women in the National Park Service is your mistake. 

    Posted by Mr. Freeze

    ReplyDelete