Monday, January 24, 2005
The Worst of bunchojunk.com
I know what you are thinking: "Sweetie is doing a 'best of' list but as a joke, he is calling it a 'worst of' list."
Well, that is wrong.
This is indeed THE WORST OF BUNCHOJUNK.COM
MAD magazine (who I admittedly ripped my entire style off of) does "The Worst of Mad" and it is really just a random bunch of reprinted articles. They just use the word 'worst' to be cutting edge and clever.
I am just using it because these articles are the worst ones on this site. And THAT is saying something. It’s not like this site is full of National Book Critics Circle Award winning writing or anything. This site is fully of poorly written mumbo jumbo lacking appropriate punctuation, grammar and often INTERESTING SUBJECT MATTER.
This isn’t to say that the articles below weren’t worth WRITING, they just weren’t worth sharing with the world.
Looking back at them I can see why they weren’t any good. At the time, however, I was pretty pleased with them. I can remember printing them out and showing them to loved ones only to have them read the first paragraph, then scan through to the bottom and hand the paper back and say “interesting.”
People named Stewart
It’s hard to put a positive a spin on this one. This was an idea I had that just didn’t work. It is a list of celebrities with the last name Stewart. I was hoping to find a bunch of information I could parlay into a funny feature length article. Unfortunately, despite the fact that many celebrities are named Stewart, they are just about the most BORING celebrities in Hollywood!
I did a similar list later of People Named Gene.
That one was pretty funny, the one on Stewart was AWFUL. Unfortunately, since I had done about 2 minutes of research on that I decided to cobble together something.
The result was list of “Obscure Trivia about celebrities named Stewart.” This was like the boring facts that Pepsi puts on the screen before the movie.
Highlight: Jimmy Stewart played the accordion (shocking revelation!)
Lowlight: Patrick Stewart has a cat (the man was Captain of the Enterprise and THAT was the best I could do?????!!!???)
Movie Box Office
This was back from the days of “Behind the Junk” it is one of the only articles from those days that survived. I am not even sure why.
This was originally written just to show to a friend of mine, but I was so desperate for content that I posted it.
I listed the top ten films and then wrote wacky headlines for both negative and positive reviews. I was doing it to make fun of how lame movie reviewers are. There are some funny jabs, but mostly it is about as stupid as a rerun of ‘Frasier’ (season 4 and above.)
One more thing, longtime readers may remember that “Behind the Junk” featured a quote at the end of each article. Since this was posted there, it has a quote too.
However, since that site is as distant a memory as the Jets Superbowl prospects, it now seems even MORE out of place.
Highlight: In the comments section a poster named “HatMatt71” did his own reviews for each film. His write up on ‘Stepford Wives’ was simply “What?”
That is the most perfect review I have ever read.
Lowlight: The negative review headline for ‘Garfield: The Movie’ was "More like CIGAR-Field, because it stinks like an old cigar."
My Fair Muppet
This was my review of one of my all time favorite films ‘The Muppet Movie.’ I guess the problem was that I rushed through it.
It starts off well, but is abruptly wrapped up at the end. I may have to do this one over one day. Kermit deserves better.
Highlight: I point out that the Arby’s mitt is a cheap rip-off of the Hamburger Helper.
Lowlight: Name dropping Mike Dika. I never thought I would sink so low.
A shocking Presidential scandal
I always thought this story about Amy Carter reading at the table was interesting. Too bad I was the only one who though so.
Highlight: When listing the TV networks I called them “CBS, NBC and KFC.”
Lowlight: When listing the TV networks I called them “CBS, NBC and KFC.”
Pop-up goes the weasel
This article jumps from one subject to another, like a frog trapped in a room full of pieces of paper with the word “subject” on them.
In a rather short piece, I talk about pop-up ads, Superbowl commercials and perverts. Each subject was pretty good, on its own, but put together it reads like the writings of a drunken psychopath.
Highlight: I quote someone saying "I hate you and your website sucks."
Lowlight: “Comments: 0” NO ONE HAD ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT THIS ONE!!! Never! It has been up there for MONTHS!!
Sad, truly sad.
This was a little piece on Dynamite magazine. I tied that in with the movie ‘Napoleon Dynamite’ because his name was Dynamite. Isn’t that clever?!?
Highlight: An mock interview with J.J. from ‘Good Times.’
Lowlight: A bunch of comments about Hilary Duff were actually funnier and longer than the actual article.
Anyway, those were the worst I could find. I enjoyed rereading them. It made me feel better about the NEWER articles. As Butthead once said (on ‘Beavis and Butthead’) "Sometimes you have to see stuff that sucks so you will know what stuff is cool."
Any junk I missed?