Friday, March 17, 2006

Why I Hate Sweetie

By guest columnist: I Hate Sweetie

Why do I hate Sweetie? I have asked myself that question before. I bet some of you assume that it was my birthright to pile hatred upon him. After all, many of you may be under the belief that my parents gave me the name "I Hate Sweetie." You may think that my birth certificate says "I Hate Sweetie" on it. It doesn't.

But maybe it should.

I took the internet nom de plum "I Hate Sweetie" almost 2 years ago. Sweetie (who at the time was not called "Sweetie" by anyone.

We just called him "Guy."

To know Guy Hutchinson you must first know Guy Fawkes.

Guy Fawkes lived in the 1500s. He was a member of a group of Roman Catholic conspirators who attempted the Gunpowder Plot in 1605.

They did this to assassinate King James I of England and the members of both houses of the Parliament of England. Fawkes was the mastermind behind this plot.

Guy Fawkes' name is also the origin of the word "guy" in the English language. The Oxford English Dictionary took the name "guy" and made it a term for "a person of grotesque appearance." Over time, the word evolved to become a general reference for a man.

A PERSON OF GROTESQUE APPEARANCE.

Sure, I know, Sweetie is not grotesque... on the outside.

Those of you who know him only on the internet do not know what a vile and evil "guy" he is. Sure, you see pictures of him posing with Mickey Mouse or a group of cheerleaders and think "oh, hes seems so nice."

He's not. He hates children and dogs. Really. I asked him.

He also is not all smiles. When he gets mad he is downright frightening. He's a rather large imposing person, the type of guy you can picture flipping over someone's car.

I once saw him smack around a group of teenagers for standing too close to his table at a Taco Bell.

You may also be fooled by Sweetie with his blonde hair, spinning yarns about Hollywood and posing for pictures with celebrities for his happy little website.

What you don't see is the dark side of his obsession with fame.

When Lillian Gish died I mentioned it to him. He seemed really sad. I asked if he was a big fan of her films. He said no, but he had a "lifelong dream to go to bed with one of the Gish sisters."

I reminded him that the Gish sisters has starred in films in the early 1900s. I told him that Lillian was 100 years old.

"Even better." He said.

Grotesque? I think I have made my point.

Congratulations on two years of polluting the internet with your demented mind, buddy.

Cheers!

WRITTEN BY I HATE SWEETIE

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