Once upon a time Santa came to Hollis Queens. Luckily Run DMC was there to give us a play by play of his appearance.
Run DMC: Christmas in Hollis
It was December 24th on Hollis Ave after dark
When I see a man chilling with his dog in the park
I approached very slowly with my heart full of fear
Jeez. Run's a wimp. Some guy is walking his dog and it sounds like Run is about to wet his pants. Get a grip brother!
Looked at his dog, oh my God, an illin' reindeer
But then I was illin' because the man had a beard
WHAT??? He was illin' because the man had a beard? What is that all about? Is Run a beard-aphobe? Good lord, let's hope they never run into someone with mutton chops!
I hope some day Run makes a horror flick.
Run's HOUSE OF 1000 BEARDS
WOMAN: I feel so protected walking with you.
MAN: Yes, but I am starting to get a five o'clock shadow!
WOMAN: (SCREAMING) Oh my god! You aren't clean shaven!
MAN: Kill me; I don't want to live with this EVIL growing from my face!
And a bag full of goodies, 12 o'clock had neared
So I turned my head a second and the man had gone
But he must have dropped his wallet smack down on the lawn
I picket the wallet up then I took a pause
Took out the license and it cold said "Santa Claus"
Oh, I didn't see that coming! So the bearded man with the reindeer was Santa?
Now, Run looks like more of a wimp. Santa is a big fat guy, hardly an imposing presence.
Then again, maybe some scary thief had stolen Santa's wallet, reindeer and beard. That would be spooky!
A million dollars in it, cold hundreds of G's
What does Santa need money for? Why did have a license? Why was he hanging around the park on the only work night of the year?
Enough to buy a boat and matching car with ease
But I'd never steal from Santa, cause that ain't right
So I was going home to mail it back to him that night
But when I got home I bugged, cause under the tree
Was a letter from Santa and the dough's for me
Now I hate Santa. Millions of poor kids around the world and he gives all of this money to an ALREADY wealthy rap star? One who wants to use it to buy a boat and a car THAT match?!?!?!?!
The song goes on to make passing references to collard greens and eggnog. It may very well be the greatest Run DMC song ever!
Now pardon me while I go shave so I can avoid terrifying 80's hip hop stars.